Today, my father and I had to put down my horse, Lilly. Every time I am around death, it shakes me up. It's amazing how one second something can be alive, breathing, completely normal and then the very next second, dead, out cold, no longer here, no breathing, no moving, just gone. It's so instant, not a "process" and it's just hard for be to believe. I believe in God and Heaven, I just can't believe how quick you can get there. I know I'm making no sense, but this is my corner of the internet to say whatever I want to say, so I'm saying it. Life so so precious and we barely get to experience it. I just wanted to hold her forever. It's not fair. Why does everything have to end? One bullet and she's gone. One second, she has no clue what is about to happen, she's just eating grain, being distracted, just fulfilling a need, eating, and then the next, she will never never take another bite of anything, existence is over. Just laying there, blood coming out of her head like a fountain, staining the snow. She's lost all bodily function and is urinating and defecating and blood is just pouring out of her head nonstop. It's over. How do you deal with the end? Her life may have stopped, but my feelings haven't. I feel so changed, like I was dipped in experience and I cannot ever wash it off. I have seen death before, it's just more real at some other times. This hurts so bad. I can't do anything. I just want to feel okay. Today, I feel like I will never feel that way again.