the fickle-hearted's words

22 | PH | 🌈 | IG&FB: @karlgpoetry

[alestairelek]

April 25, 2026

April na naman yung buwan na sobrang hirap ako. Parang kada araw ng buwan na 'to naglalakad ako sa eggshells. Maraming pagkakataon na gusto ko nang maglaho pero marami pa ring mga tao na naniniwalang malalampasan ko 'to.

2024, 2025 na April, sobrang hirap. Itong 2026 sobrang hirap din!!! Paulit-ulit na lang. Kasalanan ko rin kasi hindi ko napaghandaan. Ang tanong sa aking isipan, worth it pa bang magturo kasi ang hirap na. Wala talagang pera sa pagtuturo. Sobrang namumulubi na ko.

Lord, please help me.

[alestairelek]

January 7, 2026 (Wed) - 2AM

I really, really feel stressed out by a sudden disruption in my life, like it's not a major disruption but I got really flustered and overwhelmed.

I vented out to my partner but he didn't really receive what I wanted to say, I got pissed and we had a misunderstanding. He suggested to just call since I was on edge and we could not understand each other.

I highly value this part when he said it like wow, that's possibly the dynamics of us. I tend to appear and sound very stern when it comes to chats even when when I delivered it verbally, I wasn't stern at all.

[alestairelek]

January 2, 2026 (Fri) - Part 2

This is another moment I am thinking about baka nasa maling propesyon ako. College instructors are so criminally underpaid.

[alestairelek]

January 2, 2026 (Fri)

It's been 19 years, Mama.

It's been exactly 19 years mula noong huli ka naming nakita ni Kevin. 10 years old pa lang ako non tapos siya 7. Year 2001 or 2002 pa ang huli naming kita sa'yo bago itong January 2, 2007 na 'to.

Nangako ka na kukunin mo kami from time to time kay Papa na parang bakasyon ganon, o parang normal na mga magulang na kahit hiwalay e may suporta pa rin. Sa murang isip ko, marami akong mga na-imagine noon, na sa 11th birthday ko baka mag-swimming tayo. Makikinig tayo ng Alanis Morrissette songs kasi paborito mo 'yon, pati na The Carpenters--bata pa lang ako kumakanta na ako sa mga karaoke dahil sa'yo. Na-imagine ko noon, baka mahal mo pa kami ni Kevin at may dahilan bakit noong 2003 hanggang 2006 e wala kang naging paramdam sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung tinago lang ni Papa, pero bakit naman?

Hindi rin naman pala totoo. Lumipas ang 11th birthday ko, kahit yung 8th birthday ni Kevin noong February, pero naglaho ka rin na parang bula. Walang paramdam. Lumipas ang mga taon, ang isang dekada, nagkaroon na ng sariling pamilya si Kevin at ako, ito, namumuhay araw-araw na naaalala ko pa rin ang araw na 'to. Hindi naman na masama ang loob ko kasi kukunot lang lalo noo ko kapag inisip ko pa.

Ngunit isa lang ang talagang masasabi kong naging epekto ng pag-alis mo: nawalan ako ng tiwala sa mga tao. Natuto akong mag-expect na lahat e iiwan ako. Natatakot akong makaabala, natatakot akong sabihin kung ano ang gusto ko talaga, natatakot akong mangarap nang mataas dahil gaya mo, baka umalis lang din sila.

Mabuti na lang marami akong mga nakilala na unti-unting bumali o bumabali sa paniniwala ko na 'to. 19 years na, Mama, pero hindi ko pa rin nalilimutan ang mga pangako mo. Pinagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang ang lahat. Noong nauso ang Facebook noong 2009, nalaman na lang namin naka-block pala kami sa'yo. Anak mo, iba-block mo? Bakit? Hindi ka naman namin huhuthutan ng pera.

Sabi sa mga pelikula, "Walang nanay ang nakakalimot sa anak." Sus, totoo ba 'yon? Paano naman kaming mga anak na iniwanan?

Hindi bale, binuhay naman kami ni Papa kahit na sobrang hirap ng buhay. Ang ganda sana ng istorya niyo kasi masasabing "organic encounter" dahil sa ospital kayo nagkakilala bilang mga kaanak ng pasyente, pero saan kayo dinala ng pagmamadali? Anong napala niyo sa pag-aasawa nang maaga? Sa murang edad na 20 at 22, bumuo kaagad kayo ng pamilya. Natupad niyo ba kanya-kanyang pangarap niyo? Si Papa, hindi, kasi pinandigan niya ang pagiging ama, pero ikaw? Kumusta mga ambisyon mo?

Ngayong 2026, magte-trenta na ako. Ahhh tangina. Hindi ko nakikita sarili kong bumuo ng pamilya kung sarili ko nga, hindi ko kayang tipirin. Sana naisip mo 'yan noon bago niyo ako naisip buuin.

[alestairelek]

My heart went on a holiday

Christmas lights everywhere

blinking, twinkling, shining--

I realized I was just looking in your eyes.

My mind went on a holiday

My own demons became my friends

popping champagnes, taking their days-off--

I realized I was just holding your hand.

My soul went on a holiday

Every silhouette disappeared,

Fogs thin, covered the green horizons--

I realized I was just sleeeping beside you

#

[alestairelek]

December 27, 2025 (Sat)

I find it funny reading my previous blogs here HAHaaha particularly the October 22 entry because guess what, I took the chance of getting to know somebody just four days after that day, and he is now my boyfriend.

I spent the Christmas w him and his family!!!! Like first time ko ulit ever na mag-celebrate ng Pasko kasi laging nasa bahay lang ako and madalas noon e mag-isa lang ako.

I really appreciate the way he appreciates and loves me for what I am and I love how I love and take care of myself more because he just inspires me to become the BEST version of myself.

[alestairelek]

November 2 (Sun)

I'm currently at the treadmill, wanting to lose 10 kilograms in just a single session. I haven't been consistent in my gym journey but I'm glad I've already shedded 20 kgs!!!

[alestairelek]

October 22, 2025 (Wed)

I can't believe this big shift of emotions in me hahaahahahahahahaha for the past three weeks, I was super sad kasi I courted someone but it didn't work out and this person told na rin to stop na completely. Kapag naman ganyan e hindi na ko nangungulit. Either thank you, next or self-love era ulit. Mahirap na kung maghanap na naman ako ng bago or mag-entertain ng abangers kasi alam kong makakasakit lang ako kaya need ko na mapirmi sa tabi. Ang lalaki darating din naman yan.

Right now, like now at 4:49AM, nasa Las Pinas ako. This has never been in my 2025 bingo card na "uuwi ako" rito. Kaso ang problema, I'm a wreck. Nasaktan ako talaga dun sa niligawan ko pero wala naman akong sama ng loob, ako yung nagmahal kaya controlled ko dapat lahat ng ibibigay ko. Pumasok ako sa buhay niya e 2 weeks fresh pa lang breakup niya, e given sobrang intense talaga ako magmahal. Dapat noon pa lang tumigil na ko e kaso wala eh, na-feel ko noon gusto niya rin and aminado naman siya na partially kasalanan niya for letting me in. Anyway, ok na yon. Nasaktan na ako e hahahaha.

Ngayon dito sa LP, umuwi ako pero alam kong hindi ako buo dahil nga roon sa nangyari. Nakaka-guilty pero yeah tinanggap pa rin ako w open arms and understanding. Salamat!!! Ang dami kong kailangan pang ayusin sa sarili ko. Nakakalungkot lang na parang ang tagal kong magiging "ready" ulit na magmahal at tumanggap ng pagmamahal.

[alestairelek]

October 7 (Tue)

Been super LSS sa Wi$h Li$t ni Taylor likeee omgggg gusto ko na ring mag-settleeee utang na loob Lord, bigyan niyo na po ako ng jowa.

[alestairelek]

I still wait for notifications from you.

[alestairelek]

The Sadness of Endings (9/26/2025)

My last relationship ended in February 2025 but it ended peacefully and in person. Crossed boundaries, exhausting assumptions, and uncommunicated needs were the reasons why my ex called it quits--to which I acknowledged and felt grateful for because that breakup made my perspective and way of loving a lot better, or so I thought.

Throughout the span of March, April, May, June, July, August--I met a few men to get to know--three to be exact. Had a good time w them, eating, talking, calling--but none of those three bloomed to be another relationship. It wasn't exhausting because I just chilled and spent my leisure time w them. One of them remained a close friend to me.

I wasn't rushing in the first place because the wounds were still fresh and I didn't want to use them as rebounds. Fortunately, these guys didn't have a bad blood w me when things didn't work out for us.

Until the end of August this year, I made a bold move to connect to a person--who happened to be an ex-boyfriend of someone I met on a dating app last year. They just broke up last August after being together for 7 mos. He told me all the stories and I felt his pain and yearning, the sacrifices and all.

It's only been 28 days since we first talked and right now, I guess it's time to say goodbye (for now). This year, this was the first mini-heartbreak that I felt. It's my fault for not learning enough from my past relationship because the reason was the same: I got stubborn and cared too much when I should have just chilled.

Right now, I feel sad. I guess I have a lot to fix in me, in my way of showing love, in my way of respecting my partner's boundaries.

I pray to God that when love finds me again, may I be truly, truly ready and the person, too, is ready.

[alestairelek]

September 25 (Th)

It's our third meeting earlier but the timing wasn't right because something happened sa kanya, an inconvenient happening. Kaya buong time na magkasama kami, he was flustered and irritable. Tao lang naman din.

But the whole time na kasama ko siya, isa lang nasa isip ko--to be there for him in times like this and to stick and never leave him!! But I fear he got overwhelmed by my love language--acts of service. Siya words of affirmation saka quality time.

Mahirap na talaga maalis sa'kin yung pagiging stubborn. Pinagpepray ko rin na ayoko nang may mawala na namang tao sa buhay ko dahil dito. Isa na roon si ex, sobrang intense ng last na away namin nung February 2025 pero good friends naman na kami now.

Going back, to my current bae, I'm praying to God na sana mag-work out pa ‘to.

[alestairelek]

May 26 (Wed)

I'm not that kind of gurl who gives up just like that. Oh no!!

[alestairelek]

May 19, 2025 (Tue)

Gusto ko nang bumalik sa pag-aaral kaso saan ako kukuha ng 27k? :(

[alestairelek]

May 12, 2025 (Mon)

GOD BLESS, THE PHILIPPINES.

[alestairelek]

Random

I know he's crazy but he's the one I want. -- Taylor Swift, But Daddy, I love him

[alestairelek]

May 11, 2025 (Sun)

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I spent its first few hours at the gym, doing the usual 2-hour shit--1 hour strength, then capped it off w 1-hour cardio on the treadmill w increased time on a 15-degree incline. Before, I would do 12-15 minutes, then the rest w no incline; now I can do 30 minutes of an hour in 15-degree incline!!!

After that I just went home sa QC, then natulog nang mahaba. I went home sa amin since my parents prepared foods. Hindi na ako sanay na naghahanda magmula nung 27th ko nung 2023 since wala lang, hindi ko na rin feel birthday ko like normal na araw na lang. Ngunit sobrang thankful ako sa kanila, sa papa at mommy ko. Mom cooked spaghetti na may carrots and mechadong baka na sobrang lambot ng baka at maraming bell peppers which I LIKED. Napakahirap ng pinagdaraanan ko lately pero dahil sa parents ko, they softened the fall.

I feel happy habang tumatanda na ako, hindi na ako nag-eexpect sa mga tao. Pero bakit ganon, kahit wala na akong feelings, hinintay ko pa rin greetings ni D? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA partida hindi ko siya naging jowa, ni situationship hindi rin--pero alam kong iba yung effect kapag nagkausap ulit kami.