old fears | caulgraves
jbeargraves :
“Someone needs to lock that shit down. You’re too amazing to let anyone take you from me. Spent too long trying to figure out what i needed and finding you to let someone snatch you away. Plus, you look really sexy wearing nothing but that ring.” He was delighted, watching Caulder proudly show off the silver band that matched his own perfectly, then went quiet a second, noting the reaction to his comment about the pills, reaching to take his husband’s hand and staring at him, hoping the gaze would work with how his tone changed to assure Caulder it wasn’t what it sounded like. “I know you won’t. I trust you. I saw you in the hospital, asking for Advil just because you didn’t want to risk anything stronger. I just know addictions are hard, and I won’t use the whole scrip. This way, whatever is left is something you can safely use if you need it down the line. If you can survive what you’ve gotten through on Advil, I don’t need anything stronger for my stupid knee. That’s all. It’s nothing to do with me thinking you’d get into trouble.” He kissed the back of the blond’s hand, smiling faintly and then laughing at the comment about his weight. “You will if you keep cooking like this.”
Alex explaining to him why they didn’t need to be moving into the house with the nursery made him nod as he stared quietly at his food. Alex had a point- there was no need for a room set aside to house an infant. They had no plans to bring one into their lives, and the whole point of moving was to have a fresh start, away from the things that had been haunting them. He found himself dragging his fork through his food as he tried to focus on what to say in response, taking another sip of his wine and huffing slightly before speaking again. “We wouldn’t be staying here. Even if we did need a nursery. I can’t… we couldn’t have another kid in her room. It’s why I can’t turn it into a guest room like I planned, I just… that’s Sarah’s room. The only way anyone else could be in there is if I sell it… so I’m selling it.” He went silent a second, then pushed his plate away a bit, keeping his eyes on the table as he whispered. “– we haven’t discussed if that is something we want. Eventually. You’re young, you know? I know you have Dharma, but… have you ever… considered having another?” He’d himself spoken to his father a few days earlier about his concerns about his new husband potentially wanting kids, but now seemed as good a time as ever to ask.
“As for what we want, I’m open to re-negotiating what we need for this new house. I just… when we first discussed it, you wanted to be on the water, and I didn’t wanna take that from you. I know what the water means to you, how you feel about being in it and near it.” Bear was nervous, reaching to pet Gunner as he came to his side. “It’s important for us to find something we both feel fits perfectly. Because… at least until we discuss getting out, this is going to be our home for a long time.” He finally looked up, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek and then one to his lips, adding, in hopes of lightening the mood. “You smell better than this dinner does…”
Alex nodded quietly as Bear began to explain his reason for requesting nothing stronger than high dose Advil. “Dharma thought I was using again... so, it wouldn’t have held it against you for thinking that, too.” He admitted, giving a soft shrug. He knew that the fear was likely and that it could just as well be permanent but, he’d meant it when he told Dharma that he was finished with it. And he’d known better than to disagree when Bear had told him that the last time had to be the last time. “Just saying it’s not necessary to make decisions because you’re trying to make things easier on me. That’s all. Do what you need to do to make it easier on yourself. That’s what’s easier for me. Not seeing you in pain that you don’t have to be in.” He sighed softly, watching as Bear pushed his plate away.
Abandoning his own untouched plate as well in favor of the wine glass, Alex took a bigger gulp this time as he processed Bear’s explanation for why he needed to sell his house. Alex stayed quiet, waiting until Bear asked if he’d ever considered having another before speaking up. “No.” He said, firmly. “I haven’t. And I wouldn’t.” He insisted, shaking his head. “I made too many mistakes the first damn time, I’m not looking to repeat any of them and put another child through that shit. And after seeing how shaken Dharma was last week... having to explain to her that this is the shit that her father does for a living? I’d never ask another child to carry the weight of that around. Absolutely not.” He assured him, draining what was left in his glass. “I’m not that guy. And even if I had been that guy, I knew the way you felt about the idea of more kids. I know how you felt about Lena pressuring you into it. I don’t need to repeat anyone else’s mistakes, either.”
He shook his head as Bear began to explain his reason for looking for a place on the water. “Beggars can’t be choosers, Bear. Sacrifices have to be made, if the water is one of those sacrifices then so be it. I’ve got a couple of legs, I can make use of them and walk.” He added, tucking his arms together over his chest as he watched Bear pet Gunner as he moved in. “No such thing as perfect, right? You don’t buy something because it’s perfect, you buy it because it works and you see yourself growing into it and making it right for you. Nothing with a nursery or a pier. Can’t be that hard to find.” He returned the kiss, breathing softly.