The only easy day was yesterday

old fears | caulgraves

alex-caulder:

Alex nodded quietly as Bear began to explain his reason for requesting nothing stronger than high dose Advil. “Dharma thought I was using again… so, it wouldn’t have held it against you for thinking that, too.” He admitted, giving a soft shrug. He knew that the fear was likely and that it could just as well be permanent but, he’d meant it when he told Dharma that he was finished with it. And he’d known better than to disagree when Bear had told him that the last time had to be the last time. “Just saying it’s not necessary to make decisions because you’re trying to make things easier on me. That’s all. Do what you need to do to make it easier on yourself. That’s what’s easier for me. Not seeing you in pain that you don’t have to be in.” He sighed softly, watching as Bear pushed his plate away.

Abandoning his own untouched plate as well in favor of the wine glass, Alex took a bigger gulp this time as he processed Bear’s explanation for why he needed to sell his house. Alex stayed quiet, waiting until Bear asked if he’d ever considered having another before speaking up. “No.” He said, firmly. “I haven’t. And I wouldn’t.” He insisted, shaking his head. “I made too many mistakes the first damn time, I’m not looking to repeat any of them and put another child through that shit. And after seeing how shaken Dharma was last week… having to explain to her that this is the shit that her father does for a living? I’d never ask another child to carry the weight of that around. Absolutely not.” He assured him, draining what was left in his glass. “I’m not that guy. And even if I had been that guy, I knew the way you felt about the idea of more kids. I know how you felt about Lena pressuring you into it. I don’t need to repeat anyone else’s mistakes, either.”

He shook his head as Bear began to explain his reason for looking for a place on the water. “Beggars can’t be choosers, Bear. Sacrifices have to be made, if the water is one of those sacrifices then so be it. I’ve got a couple of legs, I can make use of them and walk.” He added, tucking his arms together over his chest as he watched Bear pet Gunner as he moved in. “No such thing as perfect, right? You don’t buy something because it’s perfect, you buy it because it works and you see yourself growing into it and making it right for you. Nothing with a nursery or a pier. Can’t be that hard to find.” He returned the kiss, breathing softly.

“You act different when you’re using. I think I’d know.” He shrugged a second, then added. “--I hope.” He found himself smiling faintly as Alex assured him that he was better off doing what was best for himself and not for his husband- because they had very different needs in the respect of pain relief. Nonetheless, Bear shook his head, retorting. “I’m just lazy and don’t wanna have to run to the base pharmacy for painkillers when we have shit that works at home. I’m only filling it because Atkins advised it, I don’t even think I need them. The brace takes most of the pain away.” He wasn’t going to add his thoughts about needing to protect Alex despite his protest- he was sure that if anyone could read that in his eyes, it would be his husband. He went back to drinking, finishing his wine and watching Alex as he went on to shut down the idea of having kids.

Bear was surprised how sad it made him, hearing Alex shut down the idea of having kids. He wasn’t wrong- Bear had balked at his ex-wife’s insistence to have more kids after their daughter’s passing... he hadn’t felt ready to move on in such a finite way from his still unprocessed grief. He still wasn’t sure it was for sure something he could handle yet, but he’d thought that maybe... eventually... it’d be worth trying to try for with Alex. He watched the blond finish his own wine, then nodded slowly, reaching for his food again and taking a moment to finish what was on his plate before he tried to formulate a response. He took a second, then finally spoke, watching Alex uncertainly. “I didn’t want them because she was pressuring me. She wanted to replace our daughter, and I couldn’t... face doing that, not when I hadn’t faced losing her yet. Lena looked at a new baby like a way to pretend Sarah never existed and I can’t do that. I loved my daughter...” His voice cracked as he looked down, not wanting Alex to see his tears. “I love her. She is something I will cherish forever. Having another kid... would be hard, and terrifying. And I might not even be able to father another child... but...” He didn’t know what else to say. It seemed they had very different desires on the child front, so he let his voice trail off, turning instead to the conversation about the house.

“No such thing as perfect...” He echoed it back, then got up, taking his plate to the sink, pouring himself more wine, then returning to the table with the bottle to refill Alex’s glass and a pen and paper, so he could start a new list. He settled down, sipping his refilled win and wrote ‘WANTS’ on one side, then ‘NEEDS’ on the other, adding very quickly to the ‘NEEDS’ side ‘nice kitchen’- for Alex. He cleared his throat, then questioned, as he put a few more items on the needed side. “What do you think the house needs, versus what you think would be cool?” His finger danced along the edge of the paper, Gunner’s head resting in his lap and his free hand finding his ear, petting it as he spaced out for a second, snapping back and questioning again. “--sorry, what?”

old fears | caulgraves

alex-caulder:

“You should put a ring on it…” he teased him, “oh, wait…” he added, wiggling his fingers as he flaunted off the band that matched his husbands. Alex used his fork to toss his food around on his plate a bit as he listened to Bear’s reply to the question he’d asked, nodding softly. “I’m not going to take your pills, Bear. You can have whatever you need to have.” He insisted, sighing softly as he set the fork back down and reached for his glass of wine, taking a drink. “Oh, please. You’re not getting fat… pretty sure I won’t live to see that day.” He admitted, “I’m glad you like it, though.” He added, leaning back slightly in his chair as Bear brought up the house they’d talked about earlier. “What’s the point of having a nursery? We’re not going to use it, it’s just wasted space. It’s not logical.” Alex moved his hands away from the table, dropping them into his lap as he absently performed his stretches with his right hand. “If we needed a house with a nursery in it, we’d stay in this one. The whole idea is to get away from the things we’re holding onto, being where we are. I don’t need a house on the water. I need away from that fucking pier and out of that house because there’s too many….” he sighed again, “And you don’t need a house with a nursery in it. Something that’s going to be a daily reminder of what you’re missing that would have occupied that space. It’s not right for us. So, maybe we need to revisit the list of requirements, because that one doesn’t fit.”

“Someone needs to lock that shit down. You’re too amazing to let anyone take you from me. Spent too long trying to figure out what i needed and finding you to let someone snatch you away. Plus, you look really sexy wearing nothing but that ring.” He was delighted, watching Caulder proudly show off the silver band that matched his own perfectly, then went quiet a second, noting the reaction to his comment about the pills, reaching to take his husband’s hand and staring at him, hoping the gaze would work with how his tone changed to assure Caulder it wasn’t what it sounded like. “I know you won’t. I trust you. I saw you in the hospital, asking for Advil just because you didn’t want to risk anything stronger. I just know addictions are hard, and I won’t use the whole scrip. This way, whatever is left is something you can safely use if you need it down the line. If you can survive what you’ve gotten through on Advil, I don’t need anything stronger for my stupid knee. That’s all. It’s nothing to do with me thinking you’d get into trouble.” He kissed the back of the blond’s hand, smiling faintly and then laughing at the comment about his weight. “You will if you keep cooking like this.”

Alex explaining to him why they didn’t need to be moving into the house with the nursery made him nod as he stared quietly at his food. Alex had a point- there was no need for a room set aside to house an infant. They had no plans to bring one into their lives, and the whole point of moving was to have a fresh start, away from the things that had been haunting them. He found himself dragging his fork through his food as he tried to focus on what to say in response, taking another sip of his wine and huffing slightly before speaking again. “We wouldn’t be staying here. Even if we did need a nursery. I can’t... we couldn’t have another kid in her room. It’s why I can’t turn it into a guest room like I planned, I just... that’s Sarah’s room. The only way anyone else could be in there is if I sell it... so I’m selling it.” He went silent a second, then pushed his plate away a bit, keeping his eyes on the table as he whispered. “-- we haven’t discussed if that is something we want. Eventually. You’re young, you know? I know you have Dharma, but... have you ever... considered having another?” He’d himself spoken to his father a few days earlier about his concerns about his new husband potentially wanting kids, but now seemed as good a time as ever to ask.

“As for what we want, I’m open to re-negotiating what we need for this new house. I just... when we first discussed it, you wanted to be on the water, and I didn’t wanna take that from you. I know what the water means to you, how you feel about being in it and near it.” Bear was nervous, reaching to pet Gunner as he came to his side. “It’s important for us to find something we both feel fits perfectly. Because... at least until we discuss getting out, this is going to be our home for a long time.” He finally looked up, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek and then one to his lips, adding, in hopes of lightening the mood. “You smell better than this dinner does...”

old fears | caulgraves

alex-caulder:

The day before had been one that Alex had struggled through, forcing him to acknowledge that despite the ways in which he liked to insist he had a grip on his deep seeded issues, that wasn’t always true. And though he’d hoped for a better morning, the incident with the physical therapist replacement had shot that down rather quickly. Instead of trying to find less than healthy ways to occupy his time at home, Alex had gone over to Bear’s house, deciding to tidy things up a bit and get dinner started while keeping the dog company. It wasn’t long after Bear had estimated his arrival that Alex heard the door opening and Gunner quickly rushed to see who it was. “Take a guess…” he called back to him, shaking his head softly as he moved to grab a couple of clean plates from the cupboard. “And you… aren’t you a sight for sore eyes…” he chimed back, leaning over the counter to steal a kiss. “Sit, I’ll grab your plate.” He insisted.

Alex folded a couple of soft taco shells on the side of the plate, leaving them empty so that Bear could stuff them himself. He then added the spicy mix of steak, with the sauteed peppers and onions, with a dip of seasoned diced nacho potatoes. “And, I’ll have you know… I resisted the urge to go after something much heavier and instead actually picked up a decent bottle of wine for tonight. Cheap booze Alex upgraded.” He added with a smile, grabbing one of the two freshly poured glasses and rounded the counter to place the plate and glass down on the table in front of Bear, grabbing another kiss. “And for you, young doggy…” he shook Gunner’s bowl that he’d generously filled with a nice surprise for the dog, setting it on the floor before grabbing his own plate and glass of wine to join Bear at the table. “Get everything done at work?”

“Handsome guy, home cooked meal and wine? Holy fuck, I am one spoiled, lucky man.” He was eager to return the kiss, following the instructions to sit and leaning his crutches against the wall as he watched Alex move, setting his food down, then some for the dog and finally his own, nodding at the question posed as the blond settled at the table. Bear sipped his wine and confirmed. “Fixed everything up for inspection in the morning. I got cleared by medical, too, so Atkins can’t order me off base. I need to pick up the prescription for my painkillers after inspection. It’s basically just super strength Advil... I didn’t want to have anything in the house you can’t have.” He took a bite of his dinner, groaning happily as he swallowed and took another mouthful of wine, humming. “I swear, this shit is why I am getting fat, Alex. You’re a fucking amazing cook, fuck.”

After a second, he settled back in his seat, eyes falling on the exposed wrist of his husband, noting that it was a good sign- Alex seemed to favor covering his scars on harder days, so the absence of the bandana was comforting as he searched for words to bring up what he wanted to discuss, clearing his throat and finally just questioning softly. “So... about that house I told you about earlier... I was wondering... why it’s so big a deal breaker, it having a nursery?” After the question left his mouth, Joe shook his head, adding softly. “I know we don’t have a kid, and we haven’t discussed plans to change that... but I think the house is worth looking at. Everything I asked her to find... was for you. It’s right on the water, it’s got a great kitchen, and a couple different rooms so we have our own space and Dhar can have hers... I don’t... understand the nursery being something so bad.”

old fears | caulgraves

It had been a wild few days. Between hard talks, injuries and a rough couple days for Caulder, Bear was feeling a mixture of relief and concern as he headed home from base. He’d had to fix his cage, replacing broken items and cleaning up whole favoring his busted knee, so heading home to see his husband was something he was excited about- and a home cooked meal was a bonus. He was still thinking about the way Alex had reacted to news that they might have a house to look at, all because Bear had mentioned that it had a room set aside intended to be a nursery. He wasn’t sure he’d ever have another child, but the house had sounded perfect aside from that and he felt like it was worth discussing. He’d made the drive, relieved when he arrived at home and begrudgingly grabbed his crutches, making his way into the house and calling out. “Alex? Where are you, babe?” He grinned as Gunner came running, moving to greet him and dragging himself into the kitchen, beaming as he spotted his new spouse, cooing. “You look even better than dinner, baby.”

@alex-caulder

text: Rip

Rip: I love you, son... so much. And I will never take your loyalty for granted... ever. It's the greatest gift I've been given. Having that place in your life...

Bear: It's not a gift. You earned it... years ago. And it's yours to keep.

text: Rip

Rip: Bear... I wasn't trying to upset you.

Bear: I love you. And my loyalty to you? Has never been a question, because despite what that... what she made you think? You've never stopped deserving it. You're my leader. My friend, my... my father. And you will always have my loyalty. No matter who that offends.

text: Rip

Rip: Don't reckon it matters much anymore. You should get some sleep... you've been driving a long time.

Bear: It matters to me that you believe you deserved that bullshit.

text: Rip

Rip: I was a different man when she married me. Even doing the job that I did. My mistake was thinking that I could bury everything. I did, for awhile... but that's what changed me, that's what turned me into a man that my men an my wife couldn't recognize anymore. She didn't ask for that... she didn't sign up for that... none of you did.

Bear: You did what are we taught to do from the time we enter the world. And she didn't bother trying to fucking understand. She's no better than Lena.

text: Rip

Rip: After the shit that I put her through... I don't blame her for doing what she did. She earned it.

Rip: And I got what I deserved. But you boys... didn't deserve what you got, you didn't. You were nothing but loyal... even when I didn't deserve your loyalty.

Bear: No. No, fuck that, Rip. What you put her through? You didn't put her through anything. You did the job she knew she was marrying. You came back in fragments, needing her to understand that you needed space, and silence at times and to understand why you can't always talk to her about what the fuck you've seen and done and she fucking LEFT. She walked out on you. She didn't deserve shit. She fucking betrayed you. And I will NEVER forgive her for that.

Bear: You didn't deserve what happened to you. None of it.

text: Rip

Rip: It's not an excuse, Bear. I need you to let me take responsibility for my actions. Don't defend them...

Rip: You didn't let your divorce do to you what I let mine do to me... and you had a hell of a lot more shit to sift through together than what Gloria and I did...

Bear: I've spent every second since you left defending you. It's not something I can turn off.

Bear: It was different, Rip. Everything was different. Lena didn't clean out my bank account, I didn't... I didn't get challenged by the men I was supposed to trust. It wasn't that simple. None of this is. You did what you had to do, and so did we.

text: Rip

Rip: You really need to ask, Bear?

Rip: Because you aren't just a leader to those boys, you're a friend, you're family, you've got their back in and out of the field... that's something that I stopped doing. Whether I like to admit it or not, I left you boys when you needed me... I was selfish, I put myself first and in doing so, I put you boys at risk for my poor choices... you would never have done what I did...

Bear: Yes, Rip. I do.

Bear: You had your own shit to deal with. We all knew that. We saw what the divorce did to you...

text: Rip

Rip: You can argue all you want Bear but, you are.

Bear: How? Rip, no.