[alice-aspd1]

Professionally diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder.

I post my thoughts, experiences, and information about ASPD.

I'm not diagnosed with NPD but I heavily relate to a lot of the traits, so I post information about that as well.

The purpose of this blog is to educate as well as a place for me to vent.

This is a sideblog so I cannot follow back from here.

Topics include violence and homicidal ideation.

Feel free to send asks and DMs.

[alice-aspd1]

I often think about this case I read about a guy who really liked working in a butcher shop. His pretentious father wanted his son to have a more prestigious job so he forced him to work in an office. Then the guy started killing and mutilating people. Working as a butcher was actually helping him with his homicidal tendencies.

You really do just need an outlet sometimes.

[alice-aspd1]

In hindsight, I really do think one of my exs has aspd and/or npd. I don't think he even knew he had it. But he undoubtedly meets the criteria.

This was over a decade ago. It was the most toxic relationship I've ever been in, but also the most exciting. We used to get into all sorts of crazy shit together. It ended when I stabbed him and the police forced a restraining order between us lol.

I'd date another aspd/npd again. It was so so fun.

[niitroglycerin]

i hate learning new things from the beginning. why am i not immediately good at this ? why should i need to learn? Is this reflective of my overall worth as a person? if i do not pick it up quickly does that make me a useless and worthless idiot? and the answer is Yes

[peerless-outlaw]

And you can bet I'll still be convincing myself that I actually have some kind of secret connection to said thing that makes me better than everyone else at it.

[that-cluster-b-bitch]

all cluster b personality disorders are considered highly egosyntonic (defined as thoughts/impulses/behaviors that are abnormal without seeming abnormal to the individual experiencing them), so it's a common misconception that people with these disorders will never seek out help/treatment.

WRONG. egosyntonic ≠ incapable of self-reflection. we probably aren't going to seek out help for something that we don't see as wrong, except society is fucking amazing at punishing mentally ill people for their differences.

most cluster b people, aware or not, will get their symptoms (usually very rudely) pointed out to them by judgemental strangers. generally that invites some self-reflection, and with that comes research.

[alice-aspd1]

Having ASPD and paraphilic disorder is truly a godawful combination. A lot of the crimes are sexual in nature and I just can't bring myself to care. I don't care about the people I hurt, and even though I know it will lead to my ruin I can't control myself.

Out of all the things I could have been in this life, it had to be this.

[alice-aspd1]

I can't lie, I love making people uncomfortable and afraid of me, I have since I was a kid. If I can make someone go out of their way to avoid me, I feel great. If someone changes seats or crosses the street because of me, I get such a thrill. Its even a little sexual for me. Just yesterday I did that to two people and I felt so satisfied. And its techincally not a crime :)

[unfilteredpsychopathy]

im not diagnosed with Aspd so my knowledge in such topic is down in hell, but in one of your comments you said that pwaspd can be neither a sociopath or a psychopath. Could you expand more on this topic? The how’s and the why’s?

It's because there's something many people miss about ASPD, but before i get to that im going to list the symptom criteria. You have to meet atleast 3 of 7 symptom criteria (any 3, remember that), Including A, B, C, and D as stated below and highlighted in red, for info/clarifications i will highlight in blue.

I have included source refrences, which i will highlight in purple for the more critically minded to reference if critiquing my argument, for everyone else skip over it.

The Diagnostical and Statistical Manual otherwise abbreviated to The DSM, followed by it's version number, often depicted in roman numerals such as DSM-V which means the 5th edition or followed by revision/modifier tag to indicate a more up-to-date version eg DSM-V-TR. The DSM is largely considered the holy bible of mental disorders that psychiatrists use to identify, diagnose and guide treatment. It is an expansive document consisting of over 1100 pages, commonly available online in PDF format, but if you were to buy the hardback version which are found in clinics it is extremely expensive and why many practices don't keep up with revisions.

The symptom criteria is summarised in the DSM, but in the literature it is expanded so if you ever see people bring up more than 7 that is why.

ASPD Symptom criteria:

A.) A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15, indicated by three (or more) of the following:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors (repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest)

Deceitfulness (repeated lying, use of aliases, conning others)

Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

Irritability and aggressiveness (repeated physical fights or assaults)

Reckless disregard for safety of self or others

Consistent irresponsibility (repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations)

Lack of remorse (being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another)

B.) The individual is at least 18 years old.

C.) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15.

D.) The antisocial behavior does not occur exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Group Studies

Yes the same group studdies people use to make the opposite argument.

As you have likely observed ASPD is a diagnosis based on behavior. Things like repeated lawbreaking, lying, impulsivity, aggression, or lack of responsibility not on brain scans or specific emotional problems; the DSM only requires meeting a few behavioral criteria plus a history of conduct problems before age 15. Researchers have found that some groups with antisocial behavior show differences in brain regions (like the prefrontal cortex or amygdala), but those are group-level associations, are inconsistent across studies, and can be influenced by drug use, head injury, or imprisonment so brain imaging can’t diagnose ASPD or prove someone is a “psychopath;” psychopathy is a related concept that emphasizes emotional and interpersonal deficits which the DSM’s ASPD criteria do not require.

Group‑level associations mean findings that, on average, a research group shows a brain or behavioral difference compared with another group, but those differences do not reliably apply to every individual in either group.

DSM‑defined — no brain requirement: DSM‑5/DSM‑5‑TR (American Psychiatric Association) — Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnostic criteria (behavioral: ≥3/7, age ≥18, conduct disorder before 15). Sources: American Psychiatric Association, DSM‑5/DSM‑5‑TR (Diagnostic criteria); StatPearls: "Antisocial Personality Disorder" (NCBI Bookshelf).

Group‑level neurobiological findings exist but are not diagnostic: Meta‑analyses/reviews report associations (reduced prefrontal/orbitofrontal volumes and function; amygdala differences; altered white‑matter pathways) in antisocial/psychopathic groups these are research associations, not diagnostic requirements. Sources: Yang & Raine, "Prefrontal structural and functional brain imaging findings in antisocial, violent, and psychopathic individuals: A meta‑analysis" (2009); systematic literature review of neuroimaging in psychopathy (PMC review).

Heterogeneity, confounds, and stronger effects for psychopathy measures: Reviews show inconsistent results across studies and that effects are often larger in samples selected for high psychopathy (PCL‑R) than in ASPD samples; common confounds include substance use, head injury, incarceration, and comorbidities. Sources: Yang & Raine (2009) meta‑analysis; Merck Manual / clinical reviews summarizing heterogeneity and confounds.

Causation vs correlation; limited clinical/forensic utility: Authors emphasize that imaging findings are correlational, may reflect developmental or environmental effects, and current neuroimaging lacks specificity/sensitivity for individual diagnosis or legal attribution. Sources: Systematic neuroimaging reviews (PMC review) and clinical reviews (Merck Manual).

Psychopathy isn’t just repeated bad behavior when it comes to ASPD, it’s a pattern that includes emotional and interpersonal problems like shallow feelings, lack of empathy, and superficial charm as well as antisocial acts. Some tests like the PCL‑R measure those affective traits separately from criminal or impulsive behavior, and people high on the emotional/interpersonal side tend to show different brain patterns, different risks, and different treatment responses than those who are antisocial for other reasons.

For a complete list of papers, including links scroll to the bottom of this post (this is a link to said post.)

Affective/interpersonal core: Psychopathy centers on emotional and interpersonal deficits (shallow affect, lack of empathy, superficial charm) in addition to antisocial acts. Key sources: Hare, R. D., Psychopathy Checklist—Revised (PCL‑R) manual; Cleckley, H., The Mask of Sanity.

Two distinct factor structure: Research separates affective/interpersonal traits from antisocial behavior, showing they are related but distinct dimensions. Key sources: Cooke, D. J. & Michie, C., "Refining the construct of psychopathy" (2001); Harpur, T., Hare, R. D., & Hakstian, A., "Two‑factor model" work.

Stronger neurobiological links for affective traits: Neuroimaging and psychophysiology studies link affective/interpersonal psychopathy traits more consistently to amygdala and ventromedial prefrontal abnormalities than antisocial behavior alone. Key sources: Blair, R. J. R., "The neurobiology of psychopathic traits in youths" (various reviews); Yang & Raine, meta‑analysis of structural/functional findings.

Clinical and prognostic differences: High affective/interpersonal traits predict different patterns of violence, treatment response, and recidivism than behavior‑only antisocial profiles. Key sources: Hare, R. D. (PCL‑R validation studies); Salekin, R. T., studies on treatment/outcome differences.

'Sociopathy' while not a diagnosis anymore, neither of them are it is usually applied to antisocial behavior rooted in environment and development (e.g., chaotic upbringing, abuse, poor socialization), often producing impulsive, hot‑tempered, and unstable relationship patterns. By contrast, 'Psychopathy' emphasizes temperamentally driven affective/interpersonal deficits (callousness, superficial charm, lack of remorse) alongside calculated antisocial acts. Both differ from DSM‑defined ASPD, which is a behavioral diagnosis requiring only a few antisocial conduct criteria plus evidence of conduct disorder before age 15; someone can meet ASPD with behaviors like deceitfulness, reckless disregard for safety, and consistent irresponsibility without showing the affective signs typically associated with psychopathy or sociopathy. That can translate to a relatively ordinary person who struggles with truthfulness, risk management, and responsibility but remains functionally engaged in everyday life. While a “pure” sociopathic or psychopathic profile within ASPD is uncommon, developmental trauma often appears in many histories, so presentations of Sociopathy or Psychopathy are typically mixed and heterogeneous.

[nudelakesideflorist]

Something I noticed recently is that there aren't a lot of posts about how pwASPD deal with children. I am an adult woman, and have given birth several times. And my truth is that I gave my kids up for adoption because I am self-aware enough to understand my limitations. Being born with little empathy, and growing up to have no maternal instinct is something that I was once made to feel guilty for, however I have come to understand that many women really shouldn't have their kids but have elected to keep them in toxic environments. My spawn are thriving with their adoptive parents. Those humans are giving the children something I never could. If this makes you uncomfortable I simply don't give a fuck.

[alice-aspd1]

Thank you for writing about this. I'm a woman with ASPD and I've made it a point to never have children. Even the idea of being pregnant and having to share my body makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Also, you did what most prosocial moms who are not fit to raise children refuse to do. Its crazy that anyone would be uncomfortable by your decisions.

[alice-aspd1]

Have you heard of dark tourism and more specifically human safaris? Recently the rumours have been confirmed they exist and took place during the Bosnian civil war. For a short summary; semi wealthy small to medium sized business owners paid anywhere from $35,000 to $100,000 in order to be one of the snipers on the wall during the Bosnian siege. Where they could shoot and kill civilians, but pregnant women & children came at a higher cost. Then later the tourists would go out partying, celebrating and then sharing with eachother the kill count. Reports say there were competitions amongst themselves of who could kill the prettiest of them.

Link

What's your thoughts on this?

My honest opinion on this? If I had the money I'd participate. It sounds really fun and I'd compete to kill the prettiest.

[aliceofthewolves9]

Daily affirmations:

-I look perfectly normal

-Everyone can tell that I'm normal

-No one can sense the barely contained bloodlust behind my mask of friendliness

-I will not commit an atrocity and ruin my life

[aspd-girl]

In terms of ASPD is there a difference between masking and manipulation? Aren’t those two pretty similar to each other since they’re about controlling how someone perceives you and what you want to get out of the situation?

I do not think that masking is a distinctive feature of ASPD. This may need some elaboration since deception is characteristical, but I would argue that "masking" is closer related to terminology form the autism community. Cleckley's "Mask of Sanity" contributed to the adoptation of the term and I know quite a few pwASPD who also began to use it when referring to what is perceived as ASPD symptoms.

Before using it, it needs to be understood what these terms mean in their respective context. In autism, it refers to the act or performance of hiding autistic symptoms during conversations. It is about mimicking normal conversations by learning how to act and respond in certain situations which requires a conscious act of performance often experienced as exhaustive.

In the context of ASPD it refers to the hiding the true emotional feeling when engaging in a social context. But I would contest that it is anything ASPD specific. In online discourse we often see something like "I was the only one unbothered by the devastating loss of my very old grandma. I had to feign tears to not drop my unemotional caring attitude". Yeh, uhm, in reality, apart from some religious hardliners and spiritual empaths, I have never seen anyone actually caring about what we "feel" or how we express your feelings. People care about your actions.

ASPD is first and foremost a behaviour disorder. The issue with pwASPD is not whether we "feel" unempathetic but that we "act" unempathetic. And this is where we get to Cleckley's "Mask of Sanity". The "mask" refers to the appearance of a rational and sane person. There is no psychosis, not obviously wrong beliefs about the world, or any apparent severe emotional distress. Nonetheless, the "psychopath" - which is btw not the same as a pwASPD but a subcategory - acts in ways which betray his sane nature. The psychopath is often self-defeating, morally inconsistent, and lacks foresight.

This inconsistency between appearently healthy individual and their irrational behavior is where the mask is created. The mask is the first impression you get from a psychopathic person. Appearently rational, reasonable, and well-adjusted, just to turn out to be irresponsible and destructive. In other words, the mask is put on on us. We do not create a mask. I do not consciously think about deceiving someone, people feel deceived by their expectations about me.

Iny my webseries, I think Season 2 Episode 7, Season 1 Episode 8 (part 8) are great examples of how manipulation and deception looks like. The "mask" here is the "superficial charm" displayed in order to get what I want. Personally, i do not even consider this deceptive, I think it is just tuning into the moment. But I am aware that it is sometimes considered to be dishonest.

I remember a therpist evaluating my ability to love. Of course - I affirmed - I do love! I love my friends, my siblings, my fiance, my parents. All of them, I love! At some later point, the therapist - and yes I think she was actually one of the good ones - she told me in a surprised tone "but your sister and your fiance you actually DO love", whereby invalidating my confession of love for anyone else.

This may sound a terrible on her part, but it is a fair thing to say. Many people would contest that you love a person, you hit on the cheek during sleep just because they are snoring. I did to my brother once - sorry but I want to sleep too - well known that it could cause both physical and lasting psychological damage, but I was willing to take the risk, 'cause I couldn't bear his snorring anymore. Hell, I want to sleep!

This often rules out any true love. An extreme case could be Paris Bennet who admits in an interview to Piers Morgan that he loved his sister. The very sister he killed to take revenge on his mother. I do believe him that he actually loved his sister. Not because I give him the benefit of the doubt, but simply because I can see that someone is stupid enough to hurt a beloved one in the spurt of the moment when the attention is drawn somewhere else. Albeit I never considered killing any of my siblings ever! But I see why this would not rule out love. For most people it does.

And this is where the "mask" comes in. It is the inconsistency between how we treat someone in one moment, and then in the other. However, to me it seems more like the inability to stay consistent in your thoughts and feelings, rather than hiding some underlying "true motivation". This "true motivation" is just ascribed to us by others, i.e. "you never truly loved your brother", "you never truly cared about your friends", "you never loved your sister".

Given that superficial emotional responses and lack of emotional depth seem to be deeply engrained in our neurology, I do not think we are given a "choice" as such, wether or not we appear deceptive. Because of the lack of choice, it is not "masking", as "masking" implies a conscious act of performance, as in the case of autism. Sure, there are instances where we feign care or show emotional investment, when we may not actually feel that deeply at all. But this is just being polite. Like, saying "thank you" to the waiter, when in fact, you know it is his bloody job to serve you. The "mask" we talk about in the context of ASPD or psychopathy, is not about being polite while actually being annoyed, but the expectations people put on us, based on emotions which are lasting to others, but only temporary to us.

When we get over losing a beloeved one within days, people may say we never loved them to begin with. We do not necessarily feign care for multiple days. The mask wears off not because we drop it, but because the illusion of deep emotional care others put on us is shattered.

I know this was a long text, for a rather short question and in the end, I did not even answer the question. But I hope I succeded in shedding some light what "masking" in the context of ASPD actually means and by that, also offered some insights why the question itself may be hard to answer. It is because the question - at least from my understanding - had a wrong assumption about what masking is.

With some final words: to distinguish between autistic or everyday masking and ASPD masks, ask yourself, if masking is exhausting. If it is, it is everyday politness or autism, if it is not it is ASPD. I never ever felt exhausted or drained by me tuning into the vibe of someone! Quite the opposite: I love it!

[angel-wings-collarbone-tattoo]

People hate it so much when they realize you're actually fucked up in head and not just larping like an edgy teenager.

[alice-aspd1]

What if killing someone doesn't make this terrible feeling of boredom and pressure go away? What if there's no relief for this? Its terrible to think about.

[actually-aspd-culture]

What do you do to help with under stimulation and boredom?

I have been contemplating how to answer this. That is why I hadn't responded to it yet. I believe this answer is going to be extremely individualized to each person's experiences with how their brain works. I can't promise anything that I tell you is going to help you. I struggle with this issue every day. I don't have any consistent long-term solutions. I don't want to promise you a magic cure because there are none. With that being said, I will list off some things I do that help me. 1. Make sure to frequently rotate which hobbies or interests you participate in. People like us tend to get bored easily if we're doing one thing for too long. You have to keep things fresh and exciting on a regular basis. Since it is generally harder to experience a satisfying amount of stimulation, remain adventurous. 2. Mentally check in with yourself on a regular basis emotionally. I know this can be a challenging thing to do if you struggle with identifying your own emotions. This is doubly true for those with ASPD as we tend to have very blunted emotions. The reason I find this important is because sometimes, my boredom or anger are actually stemming from deeper emotions I'm not fully aware of. Sometimes, my boredom is being re-enforced by depression. Sometimes my anger is stemming from emotional pain I'm too detached to notice properly in the given moment. 3. If you're physically able to, exercise. Exercising is a great way to release tension. It may sound like cliche advice, but exercising can be an excellent form of emotional grounding. It's highly stimulating to your entire body. I wish I had more advice to give than this, but this is something I'm still currently figuring out too.

[aliceofthewolves9]

really unfortunate that commiting crimes works wonders for my mental health

[alice-aspd1]

okay so this is gonna be a weird question (sorry for asking im just curious af because you're like older woman and you might know better) feel free to not answering if you find it uncomfortable or irrelevant. Have you ever used like half-permanent or completely permanent birth control before or know women who did that? I rlly want to get my tubes tied since I will never want kids but I also feel like if I get diagnosed they wouldn't allow me because first of all misogyny and second of all they're even worse with females who have some sort of mental illness or pd.

I don't know of anyone who has used permanent birth control.

I'm not against getting my tubes tied but it seems like a much more complicated procedure. Plus like you said, there's a lot of misogyny in the medical field. Mental health diagnosis aside, a lot of doctors won't do permanent procedures on otherwise healthy women. I heard of a case where a doctor wouldn't do it for a woman in case her future husband wanted children.

I currently use a copper iud implant that is good for up to 12 years. It was a fairly easy insertion. I've had it for 5 years and no pregnancies :)

Feel free to DM me if you have more questions about this.