Free Spirit

Alison Gordon. 23. A Free Spirit that has been swept away.

[sebastianivy-blog]

“A” is for Apology || Seb&Ali

[alison-gordon]

“If you said you liked me, Sebastian…”

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hanging onto her every word as if they might be her last. The pause was killing him. Sebastian needed to know that she felt the same…even though every subtle hint she was throwing at him–her tone, the pause she was taking, the way she’d tried to pull her hand back–was telling him otherwise, he still had to hope that they had a chance.

“I’d say you’re a damn fool, who’s in way over his head.”  

He stared at her, blinking almost excessively for a moment as he repeated the words in his head just to make sure he’d heard them correctly. That was…harsh. And really, who would ever be foolish for liking her? Alison didn’t give herself enough credit. Girls like her were dangerous–attractive, funny, smart as hell. She was bound to catch you in her trap every time, whether you wanted it or not.  

“I don’t believe that,” he said and she averted her gaze. For once she looked just as stressed as he did. He almost felt reassured knowing she was just as mixed up about this as he was, until she stood up and began to back away. She wasn’t about to run was she? God, he couldn’t imagine how embarrassing that would be. That would be worse than her just flat out rejecting him. He’d be mortified if he had to read about that in the gossip blog.

Slowly Sebastian stood up, trying to come off as gentle and non-threatening as possible. She was like a landmine to him at this point, even the slightest wrong move and he would literally blow everything.

“I’m not being stupid,” he assured her as he took a step closer, arms stretched out as a sign of piece. “If I tell you I like you, I don’t…I don’t think you get to tell me that I don’t?”  

She turned away from him and he stopped in his tracks. He was close, less than an arms length away. The perfect distance to her hear her voice quiver as she begged him not to do this. He looked around the trees, genuinely unsure of what to do at first. This had never happened to him before. If anything he’d expected her to just say no, and that would be it…but this, this wasn’t rejection. This was resisting.  

“It’s too late Alison. I can’t really take it back now…” he took a step closer, hoping that it wasn’t too much as he reached out and placed his hand against her arm. “And I don’t think I want to.”

He couldn’t see her face, her reaction. He just kept hoping that she wouldn’t leave…but at the same time, that wasn’t fair, was it? Even if he felt that she did like him, he couldn’t force her to admit it, or to stay even if she did. That would only taint it. He wanted her to be there because she wanted to, because she wanted him the same way…but maybe she didn’t? So he sighed, walking around so that he could at least see her face when he spoke to her.

“I don’t know what else I can do Alison. I think we both know what I want…but you haven’t really said what you want. I promise…I promise I won’t be upset,” which was a lie. He’d be pretty hurt. He just knew he wouldn’t die or anything, “if this is more than you can handle right now, that’s fine. But I’m asking you to give this a shot. I’d like it if you came back to the blanket and at least talked to me…but if this is making you uncomfortable, I can walk you back to your dorm and I promise I won’t bring it up again.”  

There it was. Everything he had, his ‘Hail Mary’. He stuck his hand out, hoping that she’d take it but he honestly didn’t know if she would. Either she’d go back to the blanket and at least tell him what she was so afraid of, or she’d ask him to take her home…and if she did that, well Sebastian wasn’t sure he’d ever really be the same.

The way he stared at her, it was like a knife wound straight to her stomach, sending pain in all directions. Alison hadn’t realized it would be so difficult to lie to someone until the look on Sebastian’s face. Maybe she’d been too harsh, but the fear was speaking for her now. Anything to push him away. But she hadn’t bargained on the fact that it’d hurt her just as much.

And there he was, continuing to fight. Calm, collected, patient, he was proceeding with such gentleness, it threw Alison off more than him losing his temper would have. He stood, and she froze, feeling her body tense up more than it already was. He was reasoning with her, and it frustrated her. It made her angry to even think he was just saying all of this to smooth over things.

“It’s too late Alison. I can’t really take it back now…” And then she felt his hand on her arm, and her skin tingled. Whether in anticipation or fear, she wasn’t sure. “And I don’t think I want to.”  His face slid into her vision and she impulsively locked eyes with him, a breath shuddering out of her lungs against her will. What was he doing? What cunning plan did he have in the works? Because it was impossible that he could be this honest, this perfect. Every one has an ulterior motive. That’s what her mother had told her in one of her more bitter moments, when she wasn’t quite her normal self, sweet but hiding brokenness. Allison didn’t want to feel that way. Hurt. Broken. And Sebastian was well on his way to making her feel just that. In fact, the ache she felt in this moment was a taste of what was coming for her. She was trying to build a wall against it, but he kept knocking it down with such ease!

He reasoned with her, with such gentleness, she almost let him lead her back to the blanket. The peace that they’d felt just minutes beforehand. And his fingertips on her arm felt so natural and gentle and warm... And she almost placed her heart right in his hands, for the taking. “Sebastian...” The word was whispered, in a sigh, so gentle. It slipped from her lips with ease, such cherish for the word... But then fear crept in. His eyes were sweet now, gentle and honest. How long would that last? How long would his heart be under the impression that it was hers? Before the got bored. Indifferent. Happier to cause her heart pain. She couldn’t give it away just to have it crushed. And it would. It always was.

She didn’t quite realize she was backing away until she felt his fingers slip off her skin. She then felt the acute absence of his touch, making her shiver. His face blurred in the dim lamplight, and she felt hot tears on her cheeks. She’d never cried in front of anyone, but she didn’t care. She needed him to know that this was hurting her. “I-- I can’t. I can’t.” she whispered. I’m scared, I’m so scared. But the words didn’t make it past her tight throat. For the first time, she was at a loss for words. She wanted to tell him everything, tell him the truth. But the words just wouldn’t come. So she took one sweeping look around the scene, so peaceful and lovely and perfect... And then looked at Sebastian, holding the same qualities in his very presence... Too perfect.

“I’m sorry.” It was hardly above a whisper, but held the most honesty she’d ever poured into two words. She felt the night air pushing against her face and she realized she was running, or at least walking at such a brisk pace, her skin stung. But maybe that was the God-awful ache in her chest, spreading to all her limbs. Her body felt heavy, even her limbs knew this wasn’t the right choice. But she couldn’t bring herself to turn back around. She couldn’t stand seeing his face. Vaguely, she wondered if he’d pursue her, but she could even hear anything above her heart, thudding so fast she knew it was going to explode.

This wasn’t right! But, of course, it was too late for all that now... She was safe now. Safe to hurt by herself.

[sebastianivy-blog]

“A” is for Apology || Seb&Ali

[alison-gordon]

Sebastian tossed his head back and laughed lightly. “Gee Alison, you can’t expect a guy to just give up all his secrets,” he replied. He swore, sometimes she’d speak and she was almost too entertaining for words. Even her small, yet somehow over the top motions, just added to the overall experience that was her. There was never a dull moment when he was talking to her.

Alison didn’t say anything as he questioned her at first. The lack of response made him nervous, anxious even. Had his first question been too far, too personal? He was starting to get the impression that Alison didn’t really do ‘personal‘–at least, not with just anybody. He was trying to understand, but he felt like it was working as well as using a spoon to dig a tunnel through a brick wall. He wondered if maybe he should try a different approach, but just found himself rambling out his confused thoughts more than anything.  

It was almost as if she could sense his emotions. Alison seemed to be a master at staying relaxed and he was trying to come off the same, but obviously she could tell he was getting antsy. She didn’t hesitate to comfort him, a simple touch being all it took to calm him down for a moment. He stared down at her hand as she told him to take a breath and followed her directions without question, before peaking back up at her, his lips curled in with slight embarrassment. If only for a moment, her smile gave him added comfort…but just like that he felt his eyebrows knitting in and his lips curling downward as she tried to just move on, dismissing their first night together. Why they hell wouldn’t she talk to him?

He gripped her hand back with equal force and in the least defeated voice he could muster, asked,“What if I don’t want it to be over?”  

He didn’t like the word ‘over’. It implied an ending and to him, it didn’t seem like she meant an ending to just that night. When she added that they should drink and practically forget about everything else because “that’s why they were here”–completely dismissing what he’d actually done all this for…well, it sounded like she meant an ending to everything. She wanted everything to be over. Was that what this was? Was this it for them? After they enjoyed themselves tonight, getting tipsy and distracting themselves with the stars, then what? When they saw each other again in the halls, would they just smile in one another’s faces? Casually engage in conversation while trying to ignore the deeper connection they’d once made? How could they move on, if they never actually addressed anything? Sebastian didn’t like leaving things unaddressed. To him, there was nothing worse than not knowing.  

“What if I said that I like you…” he admitted. He was tired out beating around the bush as if they both didn’t know that was why he was here. He was apologizing because he liked her and he thought maybe if he put all his cards out on the table, she’d do the same? “…But I feel like you’re trying to avoid talking to me? And not like joking or bantering, but really talking to me.”  

He couldn’t just let it go, not without an explanation. He at least had to try and understand. If she deflected again, Sebastian swore he’d force himself to take the hint…but he wouldn’t feel right without one last ditch effort to get her to say something. Even if she told him the exact opposite of what he wanted to hear, it was better than nothing.

Unlike their more intense conversation, the stars seemed to put her at ease. She smiled, explanations of the stars flowing from her mouth in a way that explanations of her feelings just did not. The way she described the intricate workings of the planets seemed so in touch, like listening to professor talk about their specialty. Sebastian couldn’t help but hang on her every word. He listened intently, trying to soak up everything she said and naturally filing it away for later.

Of course, she couldn’t help but throw in a little touch of Alison. He smirked in response to her sass and shrugged, playing along.

“I don’t know, Alison. I had such a hard time finding Mercury, maybe you should go ahead and point this one out for me too?”  

She made it so easy to just fall back into his comfort zone it was almost alarming. He felt more at ease now than he had all night and oddly enough, it was equally as comforting as it was unsettling. . There were only a handful of things he’d come across that he just couldn’t fully comprehend, but Alison–the way she made him feel and the effortless hold she seemed to have on him–was becoming harder and harder to understand. The idea that he’d never fully understand her was terrifying to him, but it didn’t stop him from fighting for it anyway.

The way he seized her hand. With such sudden intensity, Alison's instinct caused her to yank a little before freezing there, her eyes flicking from his face to their hands and back. He was fighting so hard, and her heart started pumping so fast she could hardly hear his question. He didn't wan it to be over. But what was 'it'? What were 'they'? It drove her mad, that he was trying so hard to keep this up. Maybe he did think that he had any semblance of feelings for her. Maybe, for now, his heart was under the impression that it was hers. But she wanted so badly to scream at him-- how long would that last? How long until he felt as if this challenge was boring him, and he would move onto green pastures? No one had ever felt this strongly for her-- and she had liked it that way. It made things simple. This was messy, and she couldn't control it. And it hurt but she didn't want it to stop. No. She did. It was the only way that the hurt wasn't going to end up harming anyone. Especially her.

"Sebastian." But she only got the name out, before he asked his second question. And her throat closed off. Her vision blurred, and she blamed it on how fast her heart was racing now. She tried to breathe to slow it down, but it only made her more light-headed. Why had he said that? Why did he have to seem so honest? Why did she have to feel this way about him? He continued talking, but she only heard every other word. Just enough to get his point. After a lifetime, she locked eyes with his. Her eyes stung, and she blinked, swallowed, anything to clear the storm away. "If you said you liked me, Sebastian..." she had to do this. She had to shut it down. She couldn't let him win. It was too dangerous.... She was too scared. "I'd say you're a damn fool, who's in way over his head." Her voice was so weak, she wasn't sure how convincing that lie was. She couldn't... She just couldn't push him away. No matter how easy it would be to walk-- to run away. No matter how good she'd up feeling not being hurt by Sebastian, like she knew she would be... She just couldn't.

Alison broke eye contact, pulling her hand out of his grasp and raking her fingers through her hair. "Damn it, Sebastian-- why did you have to complicate this?!" She stood up, backing away a little; abandoning their star gazing, their picnic, their light-hearted banter. Their perfect world where everything was safe on the surface and no one got hurt. She scoffed. "You don't like me! Don't be stupid." She turned away from him, and contemplated making a run for it. But she wasn't sure if she had enough strength left for that. But she didn't know if she could look at him again either. "Please... please don't do this, Sebastian." It was quiet, quivering from her tight throat. And she was consumed with fear of what was next.

[torimckeks]

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

@augustusketchum

If you see it as good, I guess I will too. 

Well Adelaide probably, she’s my twin.

Please do.

You’re a twin? Aw, that must be awesome!

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

I-is that a good thing, or a bad thing? 

I’d say we’re pretty close. I’m closer to some than others though. What about you and your family? Yeah, it can take some getting used to.

Hmm, depends on how you look at it. But I see it as a pretty good thing.

Oh? Who are you closer to then? Ohh no we’re not at all. Well, my mom and I are. Grandma Gordan, not so much.

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

I get that a lot.

…Can we please?

I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

Let’s grab a drink and get to work!

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

I guess that sounds like a plan. 

That’s not surprising. That works too. *laughs* I’ll go with Alison then. Yeah, I like it. Having my family here with me helps. What about you? How do you like it?

Oh, what a sneaky little smirk, Augustus Ketchum.

Sounds like a plan. So you’re close with your family, then? Oh it’s certainly an interesting place. But it’s growing on me...

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

Yeah, it’s obnoxious. Not that I care much about negative attention, but I don’t like hearing people talk shit about my family. Or friends, for that matter.

That’s a fantastic question. Should we find out? Maybe spook a few people while we’re at it. Sparks–my Shinx–can make the creepiest face in the dark. His eyes glow ‘n everything.

I feel you there. Sounds like your a good friend to have around, Adelaide.

Ah-haa, now you’re catching on! We could have lots of fun with little Sparks a dash of drunk kids scared of the dark...

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

Ugh, yes. Get her attention away from my brother and my sister.

It didn’t, as far as I know. What are you thinking?

Yeah, you Ketchums seem to have a habit of attracting a little too much of the wrong kind of attention.

Well, I heard rumors warning us not to step out of the party boundaries. What do you think’s lurking in the shadows, hm?

[sebastianivy-blog]

“A” is for Apology || Seb&Ali

[alison-gordon]

sebastianivy

Her hair flip was just as enticing as it was hilarious. Sebastian knew she would take the compliment and run with it. She never missed a beat and it kept him on his own toes. It was beginning to be one of his favorite qualities.“Oh, I noticed it a while ago Alison. Maybe I just didn’t say anything until now?”  

As if Alison could be anything other than charming? Between her wit and that smile she could probably talk Sebastian out of anything. With the right amount of liquor, she could probably take him for everything he had and he’d be damned if he didn’t let her. How could he not? Hell, he was here now, trying to bribe her to stay in his life with gifts and cakes. If that didn’t prove he had it bad, he wasn’t sure what would.  

Sebastian was surprised by her laughter. It seemed so out of place to him, like maybe he was completely missing something obvious…which wasn’t a good feeling, not when he was used to understanding everything. Honestly, he’d probably read  several hundred books in his lifetime with ease, but when it came to reading people he might as well have been illiterate.

“Are you laughing because you’re incapable of being hurt? Is that the wrong idea I’m getting?” He asked, just trying to understand. Bantering was one thing, they seemed to be on the same page there. Deciphering her now was much harder. “Because you have every right to be upset, but…I guess if you’re not…I don’t…I mean I’m not really sure what I’m apologizing for? I feel bad…but you don’t? Should I be sorry for trying to say sorry?” He wasn’t quite sure what she wanted and it was driving him crazy in a way no one ever had before.

Alison nudged him and Sebastian tried to laugh, but he didn’t find it all that funny. He was pretty sure she was deflecting–that was the word wasn’t it? He figured he was supposed to feel accomplished or flattered by her comments, but instead he just felt like a dick. God, he hoped she didn’t think he was one of those guys, that he’d try to play the field and got caught. Even through all that, Sebastian couldn’t help but catch onto one particular phrase though…”A sore loser? So what, you think I chose her over you? Like a competition? I hope that’s not what you think this is.”  

He wasn’t out here trying to pit women against each other. He hadn’t intended for any of this, which was why he was here tonight, trying to mend his relationship with Alison in the first place. Sebastian just couldn’t understand why she didn’t get that? What did she think he was doing? It was like she heard everything he said, but didn’t believe any of it and he couldn’t understand why for the life of him. Damn it, he was trying, but he wasn’t sure what else to say. He was afraid he was pushing her away instead of making her want to stay. First his dad. He hadn’t talked to Marissa all Summer. Alison seemed less than willing to trust him and after tonight, who knew? He seemed to have knack for pushing people away apparently.

She still seemed willing to help him with his stargazing, despite their back and forth. She even went so far as to position his hand down and he couldn’t help but blush a little at her touch. He couldn’t count how many times he’d felt her now, but it still made his heart skip a beat every time. “I think I see it now,” he said, staring forward with a slight squint.  

“It’s weird. It just looks like a really big star,” He observed. This was all so new to him…the planets and well his entire situation with Alison in general. At least the planets seemed clear cut though. He had how he was doing with Alison. “Can you see all the planets at night like this? What’s your ruling planet?”

He was determined to keep her talking, to try and keep her happy. Even if it was just to by himself some time.

Alison feigned theatrical surprise with a gasp, hand placed on her heart, when Sebastian played along. “What other things have you been withholding, Sebastian Ivy?” She smirked after, dropping her hand onto the book and playing with it, if only to make sure it was still there. It was some small comfort in this situation, which was strange but she loved it. She missed this—Sebastian and her being able to joke with such ease. And it was so easy to fall head first into whatever she was feeling towards him right now. But the fear, the know-better told her not to. And she trusted that above all else. Sebastian may be sweet, but for how much longer?

And then he asked that question, and unlike any other situation in the history of Alison’s existence—she didn’t have an answer. Even a rehearsed one. Every word left her brain for a minute and she sat there with a dimmed smirk on her face as she searched wildly for something to fill the silence that couldn’t have been longer than two seconds but to her felt like a lifetime. And then he spoke again and she breathed again, making it sound more like a weary sigh than a relieved breath. He was asking too many questions, though, and she could feel something short of panic rising in her chest. Why was it so hard to put on an act this time? She’d done it so much in the past, with ease, even excitement. What was different now? Something was boiling underneath the surface, between both of them, about ready to explode and she wasn’t sure if she’d survive the aftermath.

She just wanted him to drop it, to drop everything and move on. It was impossible that he was completely as into her as he was letting on, so why was he so good at keeping up the act? Or was it just the momentary obsession—that he didn’t want to lose the girl’s attention that he’d gained during that party unless it was on his terms. Was he that powerful and manipulative? What guy wasn’t, Alison thought with an inward mirthless chuckle. But it seemed like a disconnect with Sebastian… which is why she needed to disengage before she became anymore duped by his effortless and unlikely charm.

Finally, his energy began to shift to pure confusion, question, as if the desire to solve everything was becoming too much for him. “Sebastian.” She said, a little forcefully, finding her hand resting on top of his. “Take a breath.” She smirked, searched for more words and took a breath. “Whatever it was that happened that night, it happened and it’s over. Okay?” She couldn’t stop her fingers from wrapping around his hand, to hold it. Because it fit so well. “So let’s just—eat cake, get a little tipsy and watch the stars.” She laughed, tipping her head. “That’s what we’re here for right?” Just drop it, you’re killing me. She screamed in her head. She had to resist the urge again to run away, to figure out why her heart was pumping so fast if she looked at him too long.

She smiled a little too wide as she watched him try to find the planet in the beautiful mess of stars above them. Was he trying to be so adorable or was that part at least coming naturally? “Well, in a way, it is just a big star.” She said with a small chuckle. She liked the questions he was asking about the stars—she could at least answer those honestly. “Mmm, not really. Some hide away for a while-- to collect their thoughts.” Her eyes flashed with a mysterious smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I’m a Cancer, so the moon is mine.” She tipped her head, wrinkling her nose. “Can you find that one without my help?” She winked, biting the tip of her tongue in the easiest smile she had felt this whole time. For a moment, all the panic she felt was dispelled, or at least crowded into a corner for later haunting. As long as he didn’t ask her any more questions, or look at her too long, or do anything remotely Sebastian-like... Oh, she was doomed.

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

I think that’s smart. 

Yeah actually, it is. Do you know her? Yeah, Gus is fine. Most people ending calling me Gus anyway. Is Alison okay for you, or is there something you prefer to be called?

We’ll see how far ‘smart’ gets us, and go from there.

I’ve-- heard enough about her. Oh I’m not most people. So I’ll stick with Augustus for now. Hmm, Goddess Divine? *laughs* Alison’ll work just fine. So you like it here, Augustus?

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

Agreed. Anything that can’t hurt anyone–or get us caught. And by hurt, I mean physically. A little embarrassment won’t hurt anyone too bad, especially if they deserve a bit of it.

My thoughts exactly. Plus it would be just lovely to give that Gossip Blog somethin’ to talk about tomorrow.

Hmm. What did the invite say about keeping inside the party boundaries?

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

augustusketchum

I don’t know. I guess either works fine. Whatever you want to do. 

Yeah, it wasn’t too bad for my first party. My sister and I sort of didn’t see eye to eye about it, but I’m glad I went.

Well-- let’s start slow and see how we feel, huh? *orders*

Ah, is this the infamous Meredith we’re talking about? No surprise there. Well, I’m glad you came to this one. I can already tell I like you, Gus. Can I call you Gus?

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

I wouldn’t go that far. But I wouldn’t say I’m laid-back, either. Yeah? What did you have in mind, exactly?

Still, it’s good to know you’re at least a little open to having a good time at these things! Well, depends. What level of mischief are you willing to set in place?

[adelaide-ketchum]

Okay, what the hell.

[alison-gordon]

It really warms my heart.

It’s getting a little better. I’ve a drink. But the last one was more my speed.

Ah, I see you’re a bit more of the crazy party girl than the laid-back type. I can respect that... I mean-- we could always jazz things up, should this party drag a little too much.

[augustusketchum-blog]

So is second time the charm for parties?

[alison-gordon]

augustusketchum

Yeah, I guess it is. What are we drinking?  

I think there’s a pretty long ling of people who want to get there hands on that person. I’d hate to be them right now. Yeah…that’s me. It’s very nice to meet you too. It was definitely an experience. I’m hoping this one is a less dramatic experience. Did you enjoy yourself at the last one?

Hmm, well, do you like to get straight to the point with a shot or take your time a little on your drinks?

Oh there  most certainly is. And yes, here’s hoping! Oh sure, I did! I’m always one to find a good time regardless. How about you?

[sebastianivy-blog]

“A” is for Apology || Seb&Ali

[alison-gordon]

“I can live with that,” Sebastian shrugged fairly casually, “I’m pretty good at sharing.” As if someone could complain about having to spend extended time with Alison Gordon. That was a win, no matter the circumstance. He laughed lightly and raised a brow when she claimed she had yet to win over her own grandmother. “You’re kidding right? I find it hard to believer there’s someone out here not susceptible to your charm.”  

He bit his lip as she spoke. So maybe he should’ve chosen his words more carefully before? He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he knew Alison wasn’t happy with him…or with the way their last night together had turned out in general. He didn’t think she was jealous. The way she came at him, brash and almost accusatory, sort of gave him that idea. Was she was upset? Was that the right emotion…or maybe not upset? Maybe she was hurt? At least the sudden change in demeanor, as if she felt bad for her previous tone, made him lean more towards hurt. Even his attempt to move on didn’t seem to work. Her use of the word “chamer”  came off un-enthused and almost bitter. So Sebastian sighed and hoped this time when he spoke, he didn’t make it worse.

“You know I didn’t plan any of this right? I mean obviously I didn’t plan to meet you that night, and once I did, I didn’t plan to like you or for you to even keep talking to me as long as you did,” he said, taking a moment to glance up at her. “I mean, I come to a party to see one person, only to make an unexpected connection with another. Those types of things don’t happen to me. Suddenly I was wrapped up in this amazing girl.  I wasn’t quite sure–I just–”

He took a moment to take a deep breath and try and put his thoughts together in a way that made sense, but it was hard to explain, “I didn’t want to hurt you but I wasn’t sure what to do. Do I just abandon Marissa even though she knows I’m coming? I’m sure you don’t care about our history, but I couldn’t just ignore her…I could’ve been more honest about where I was going, but I was nervous. I didn’t want to push you away completely after we’d had such a good time and…”

Sebastian paused. His eyes were glued to the blanket beneath them, pinching it between his fingertips, as he tried to figure out if he was making things better or worse. He sighed, just hoping she would understand. “I thought I was smart enough to buy myself some time to figure things out, but I wasn’t. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to let either of you down.” If he was lucky, maybe that would be enough. Or maybe she’d be more upset. He wished he knew what she was thinking, or that she’d at least just genuinely talk to him about it.

All he could do when she mentioned his ever growing debt to her was smile. Despite all this, Alison could still manage to be selfless and sweet. It made him feel like an ass.

She explained his sign to him, looking back between him and the pages of her book. Sebastian immediately noticed that she looked happy, very much in her comfort zone. He found himself staring at her up until the moment she pointed towards the night sky. He  followed her finger, looking south of the moon, but he just wasn’t sure which bright light he was supposed to be focusing on. “I don’t think I’m seeing it. Maybe I don’t have the eye that you do? There right?” he asked, pointing up to try and clarify. He felt oddly calm in this moment, in Alison’s element, physically close enough to her that he could reach out and touch her with ease–though he didn’t dare right now. It was different than he’d ever felt with anyone before. It just solidified everything he was feeling and how bad he wanted everything to work itself out.

Alison rolled her eyes, unable to stop the smirk on her face. “Charm.” She repeated, shaking her head. “I’m glad you finally notice it, Sebastian Ivy.” She made a show of flipping her hair over her shoulder, heaving a dramatic sigh before chuckling a little. She hated how Sebastian put her at ease when she knew she should be either boiling over or enjoying every bit of the moment without holding back. It wasn’t right. Or was it? She didn’t know anymore.

The more he spoke, the faster her heart pounded in her ears and more sand poured down her throat, until she could hardly breathe. She sat in silence, eyes flitting from him to the ground, to her hands, his hands, and back. She couldn’t look at him for long or she’d just end up believing any word coming out of his mouth-- truth or lie. She couldn’t read it anymore, and that drove her to the point of insanity. She bit her tongue to keep her panic inside, but she wasn’t sure how well that helped. All she knew was that she couldn’t fall for it. She couldn’t fall for him. It’d only end up hurting her. And she didn’t want to be hurt, she didn’t want to be her mother. Secretly broken and depending too much on some false hope that there were such things as happy endings and fairytale loves.

Then he mentioned Marissa and her nerves twisted yet again to the point of snapping. She just managed to stifle a growl. He mentioned hurting her and something inside her told her get out fast, your cover’s blown. But it wasn’t like she could just run away-- no matter how tempting it was. That was it-- she had to shut it down, find another escape. Finally, she locked eyes with Sebastian. “Hurt me?” she forced an easy laugh. “You’re getting the wrong idea. I said I get it, Sebastian.” She shrugged, leaning back on one hand to paint the picture of nonchalance. “We were all having fun that night, and Marissa’s smokin’, so maybe I was a bit of a sore loser.” she reached out and nudged him. “You got skills. Charming two hot chicks in one night!” She laughed. And it hurt, but she didn’t let that show. This was for the best. She’d be happier in the long run... She would.

He asked her to help him find the planet, and she had to bring herself back from taking in the scent of his cologne. “Um,” she took his pointing hand, putting her head beside his to get a better idea of his point of view and lowered his hand a bit. “There...” she looked at him and realized how little space was between their gazes. “See it?” it was barely a whisper, she couldn’t put any voice behind the question. She knew, no matter how much she kept fighting-- and she would-- Sebastian had already torn almost all her heart from her chest, and had it crushed right in his grasp.