It's been one year since we lost my brother. One year of not seeing his face, hearing him speak.. Basically of just not being where he should be... With us, his family..
In some respects it seems to have flown by, but there has also been times when getting through the day has been a challenge. For me the night times have been the worst, I'm an overthinker at the best of times, but this past year I have definitely had to reach for my lavender spray many times to help me sleep.
It's been especially hard for me to watch my parents deal with their own grief, both of them do it in their own ways and there have been clashes but that's to be expected because what parent ever thinks they're going to have to bury their child? It should never happen and I wish I could turn back the clock for them and hold on to my brother tight and never let go.
But you can't turn back time.... You just have to live the rest of your life... and let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to do! There are memories all around our home, we constantly talk about him and funny things he did growing up, and they are all good, but then there are times I've seen something funny I know he'd like and for a split second I think to myself I'll have to show him and I remember I can't... and that's when it hits me in my gut again and my heart hurts.
I know it's only been a year and it's going to take a very long time for the pain to ease, but I really do wish at times that I will wake up and it was all a horrible dream.
With the way that he passed there are always going to be what ifs. What if he never went out the house, what if I paid more attention to how he was doing, what if what if what if!
I have felt an enormous amount of guilt for not noticing things, especially when I've been diagnosed with depression myself, and I know that I'm being rediculous for it but that's just me being his big sister, working legs or not, I would have done anything for him to help get him through his dark times.
The whole family and our close friends have been amazing to me and my mum and dad even though they have been dealing with their own grief too, but the support we have been given has been unbelievable. He is very much missed, the amount of people who turned up for his funeral showed that. There's not many times lately that St Monica's Church has been standing room only, but it certainly was that day!
I only wish he knew how much he is loved and missed.....
To anyone reading this, please please please speak up if you ever feel like you need help, remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Christopher Joseph Thomas Cooney
You are forever remembered and missed 💔
