The Appleist

The definitive list of the top and bottom apples of all time. Curated by comedian Brian Frange. IG: @BrianFrange | TikTok: @BrianFrange

[theappleist]

The Appleist is now AppleRankings.com

A couple of years ago I decided to take my apple rankings to the rest of the world and created AppleRankings.com. If you want to see tons more apple reviews and the official rankings go check it out. 

Also - I post about apple news and reviews (plus funny cartoons - I am a comedian and animator) on my Instagram. https://instagram.com/brianfrange

Follow me there!

[theappleist]

The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale aka The F100

For decades the apple had been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of Hell desperately lurching toward its biblical namesake as “Satan’s Fruit.” With the rapid degradation of the once mighty Red Delicious and the intentional impotence of apple farmers across the world, we were faced with the unthinkable: the rise of the pear.

Thankfully in the early 2000s, due to the emergence of a class of idle yuppies willing to shell out disproportionate amounts of disposable income at organic grocery stores, it became economically viable to invest in the development of what I term “designer apples.” As a result, a dizzying array of new apples hit the shelves and continued to do so year after year.

With so many new breeds, the antiquated system of delegating an apple as “good” or “bad” is an unworkable injustice of oversimplification. Society demands an updated rubric for apple evaluation that meets the moment. I have created that rubric.

I have no children. This rating scale is my only hope to keep my namesake alive. It is something I hope to be utilized for generations to come and is my only chance at achieving immortality. Therefore I am naming this system: The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale aka the F100.

THE 100 POINT SCALE

Each apple is evaluated on a one hundred point scale broken down into nine categories. Each category is worth a maximum of ten points, aside from “TASTE” -  which is weighted double, for a maximum of twenty points. As always, the points reflect each candidate as a “munching apple”.

100pts: The Fabled “Immaculate Apple” (existence doubtful) 95 - 99pts: Just Short of Sheer Perfection 90 - 94pts: Superior to Most 80 - 89pts: Worthy of Being Eaten <—TOP APPLE THRESHOLD —> 70 - 79pts: Serviceable if Desperate 55 - 69pts: Barely Worth the Calories <—MEDIOCRE APPLE THRESHOLD —> 30 - 55pts: Horse Food 15 - 29pts: Despicable 6 - 15pts: Vomitous Filth <— PURE SHIT APPLE THRESHOLD —> 0 - 5pts: Criminal Malfeasance

THE CATEGORIES

After the initial one hundred point evaluation is calculated several additional factors are considered which may add or subtract points. These include: Lineage, History, Sustainability, Uniqueness, Longevity, and Alternative Uses (cider, applesauce, baking).

TASTE: Regardless of flavor profile (sweetness, tartness, intensity) - delicious apples receive top points with special consideration for every day use as well as versatility in varying circumstances. Points deducted for tasting like shit and/or trash.

CRISPNESS: Top points awarded for producing a satisfying snap and/or crunch with each bite throughout the life of the apple. Soft, gummy apples deserve no accolade.

SKIN: Points awarded for unobtrusive skins that break apart easily. Thick skins that linger in your throat or create a choking hazard are condemnable.

FLESH: The flesh of an apple ought to be smooth, relatively firm, and maintain integrity throughout a meal. Points deducted for early oxidation rates which turns the flesh brown. And above all, a mealy apple is a disgrace.

JUICINESS: The higher the liquid content and succulent nature of the apple the better. Bone dry, ashy nonsense can be thrown in the compost heap.

DENSITY: Top points for having a sturdy construction without being too hard or heavy. Apples which cause gum or tooth pain as well as apples which can be used as a weapon face massive deductions.

BEAUTY: Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The most subjective of all the categories, an aesthetically pleasing apple that begs to be eaten receives top points.

BRANDING: Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed while creating a unique, evocative aura about the fruit. Points deducted for names that scream quiet desperation or elicit feelings of confusion. Above all, apple names which lack imagination or seem derivative will not be tolerated.

COST/AVAILABILITY: The perfect apple is available year-round and is affordable on a modest budget. Points deducted for exorbitant and inaccessible apples.

FLAVOR PROFILE

In addition to the rating scale, not affecting score, a flavor profile will be included for classification purposes only. Each apple will be evaluated under three five-point scales:

SWEETNESS: Candy-like sugary taste TARTNESS: Sourness, acidity INTENSITY: Strength of flavor / tanginess

[theappleist]

Wild Twist

This salacious newcomer straight from the balls of apple scientists in sex-crazed Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a serviceable addition to what is becoming a crowded field of genetic freak cross-bred apples. The “twist” is between the God-like Honeycrisp and bottom of the top list Pink Lady - an audacious combination that is the apple equivalent of a celebrity power couple. 

But like most celebrity power couples their less-hot offspring (while putting out a decent solo album) just can’t live up to its famous parents.  Inheriting the hardness of the Pink Lady, and its unfortunate skin that lingers in your mouth like a wet paper bag, the Honeycrisp does the real heavy lifting, elevating this apple onto the bottom of the top list, right above its secretly jealous mother.

[theappleist]

Cosmic Crisp

(FULL DISCLOSURE: I am partial to the fine apple growers of Washington State and thus it pains me to write this unbiased review.)

The Cosmic Crisp apple is the most over-hyped, disappointing piece of fruit since the atrocious Cotton Candy Grape was crammed down our throats by what I assume were deranged clown farmers. A rock-hard, tasteless, skee ball - this cross between a Honeycrisp and Enterprise tastes like the memory of a distant cider squeezed out of an uncooked potato. An apple that was 20 years in the making, backed by a marketing budget that clocked in at $10 million, this was supposed to be Appleandia’s next big thing. Instead it is just another thick-skinned choke fruit that belongs in a horse bucket.

[theappleist]

Lucy Rose

Boasting a beautiful deep red skin, The Lucy Rose is the hot sibling with no personality to the less attractive Lucy Glo. A bland, tartless, fuckboi filled with no substance, each bite of this mirthless stankfruit will leave you wishing you hadn’t been so shallow and went for the much cooler Lucy Glo. 

[theappleist]

Lucy Glo

The Lucy Glo is a circus-freak apple with yellow skin and a red interior that shocks skeptics into submission. Most would expect this clown-urine soaked frog testicle to taste like an unhealed surgical wound since each bite resembles a freshly picked scab. However, most (whoever they are) should prepare their expectations to be shattered. This candy-like, perfectly tart, masterclass in a full flavor profile is a joy to eat and lives up to its flashy appearance. A novelty apple, this is not.

[theappleist]

Jonagold

Here’s yet another golden red garbage fruit rolling down 5th Avenue in a parade of apple failures disgracing the great state of New York. Developed at Cornell University (the Ivy League you go to when even Brown says no), this cross between a despicable Golden Delicious and the hairy-legged dorm roommate inspired “Jonathan” tastes like Waffle House honey substitute wrapped in a ball of electrical tape. Fuck you. 

[theappleist]

Ginger Gold

This hunk of vaguely-sour yellowish shit masquerading as an apple is a pretty good reason to invent the word ‘choke-fruit.’ A Golden Delicious spin-off discovered by chance in the farmland of Virginia in the free-love 60s, this apple tastes like the distant memory of a Woodstock acid-trip, bitterly regurgitated into your consciousness before quietly slipping away into the recesses of your now decrepit mind. Oh to be young again. It also has an extra long stem. 

[theappleist]

Rockit

This tasteless hunk of dark matter weighing down lunch boxes worldwide is packaged in a tube mimicking a bottle rocket which is appropriate since the only place these apples belong is launched into orbit amongst our other space trash. 

[theappleist]

SugarBee

Created by bees through natural cross-pollination, this pock-marked, lumpy, chimp-ass tastes like an OK pear, which is a problem since the number one reason people buy apples is because they taste like apples. Chalk up another loss for the bees, it’s been a rough decade. 

[theappleist]

Ruby Frost

You wanna talk about a handsome apple? This New York bred sex-fruit will ride you like the A-Train from here to Poughkeepsie. Only problem is, like most hot New Yorkers, this puppy has a skin so thick getting through to this fuckboi is like trying to cross the GW Bridge at rush hour. But hey, If you’re able to choke down the seat-belt strap material that it calls ‘skin’ you’ll be rewarded with a great snap and mildly sweet taste that’s juicier than a pigeon’s ass over heeee. Too bad that’s impossible. 

[theappleist]

Kiku

This dense meteorite of an apple tastes like the ass of a tapped Coors Light keg at a frat party but somehow has the after-taste of a decent cider? As such, biting into this elephantine bocce ball named after an app your drug-addicted cousin invented will leave you confused,  broken, and begging to get back to the mediocre Fujis from which this was spawned.

[theappleist]

Juici!

This thin-skinned! Long-lasting! Wenatchee-born! Honeycrisp/Braeburn! Hybrid’s name ends with an exclamation point! But don’t be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the Juici! DeliteTM...it’s just not that exciting. With a nice crunch and an OK taste, the Juici! is the Hillary Clinton of apples. It wants to be your favorite SO BAD, but unfortunately for everyone involved, just feels like it’s trying too hard.

**Major points off for Juici! suing small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonagold as the JuicyGold. You don’t own the word Juicy. Don’t get mad at other apple growers because you chose to spell your apple name like an over-the-hill marketing exec trying to appeal to Millennials.

[theappleist]

Rave

It’s time to bury grandma because this explosive newcomer will shatter your expectations of a sour apple and make even the most stalwart Granny Smith fan throw dirt on that contemptible caramel utensil people call an apple. While not as psychotically sour as the demented Kanzi, the Rave manages to pack in the flavor at a reasonable dosage that won’t cause you to dissociate in the produce section of your local Ralph’s. With a good snap and a thin skin that harkens back to its Honeycrisp heritage, this apple gives you a lot to rave about.

[theappleist]

Lemonade

This oblong newcomer from New Zealand’s Yummy Fruit Company does not taste like lemonade. It does, however, taste like a regular apple that was accidentally dropped in lemonade. This may come as a disappointment since, with its yellow exterior and snappy branding, you’d expect the Lemonade Apple to send you into a citrusy vortex of cockeyed hysterics, forcing your brain to cope with a contradiction of fruity discord that leaves you penniless and naked on a street corner begging pedestrians to slap you back into what you once considered reality. However, maybe we don’t need such extremities in these troubled times. Great for gift bags!

[theappleist]

NZ Queen

The NZ Queen, from the eclectic Taylor Apple Company, is yet another hulking behemoth hailing from Kiwi Nation. This sexy looking runway apple is so large it actually qualifies as a ball for tournament-use in standard bowling leagues. Unfortunately, in apples as in life, its what’s on the inside that counts, and this inoffensive piece of eye candy lacks the punch needed to be worth a recommendation. 

[theappleist]

Breeze

This early-season New Zealand behemoth is a super-dense, super-heavy, Hodor-apple that requires four months personal training before its possible to lug them home from the grocery store. It has a sweet taste and a decently crisp bite but you soon Breeze past those positive qualities into a mushy interior with a relentless skin that will linger like a socially inept virgin at his first college party.