ALISYA RASHID @alisyarshd - Tumblr Blog

senior year

or should i say, the worst phase of life. let’s talk about high school, secondary school, sekolah menengah or whatever you call it. i call it, one hell of a bittersweet memory. i’ll say it on behalf of everyone, high school sucked. it happened to all of us and that’s the truth, deny it all you want. (or maybe i just had a bad one lol). but that’s life, and for the most part of it, we only remember the pathetic, sad, depressing moments. that’s what humans do best; we take things for granted. so, let’s talk.

2017 was my senior year. i am most confident that everyone born on the year 2000 was looking forward to make this year perfect. it wasn’t.

so, our imperfect year began with the expectations for it to be perfect. to be honest, i don’t even know why we expect it to be perfect when we know SPM is waiting at the end of it and that’s not exactly a cherry on top. but we also know that this is the last year. the last year to score exams, last year with friends, last year with teachers, last year in school and well, our last shot to make it perfect. to make it up for all those other 4 years that was a blur. so you know me, i think i was the only one yang so semangat to make it perfect, so i rushed Amir, our ketua kelas, to take pictures of the first day of school. i wanted to document it for, well, memories.

-the first day of senior year, 2017.

here’s the thing about ‘senior years’, we call it that because we’re the ‘eldest’ student in school which in our heads meant, we’re the badasses. pardon the language but, really, that’s what we think. we have this crazy fun idea where this is the last year we will be in school to break its rules. aaaaand, here’s the thing about me; i’m the takut-gila-ngan-cikgu-kalau-cikgu-tanya-nak-cakap-apa-what-if-we-get-caught kind of girl. one, i’m THAT scaredy cat. two, i LOVE education and whenever someone says “weh jom ponteng.”, you get a ceramah on how important learning is, how we should respect the teacher, how i don’t want to miss this class, how SPM is near. i’m the party pooper who cancels every ponteng plan. unless it’s physics. that subject gives me allergies. coughs. we would do all sorts of thing when it comes to physics. it will either be helping Cikgu Jannah at Bilik Kaunseling, it will be tulis nama murid lewat kat pagar sekolah, it will be jalan lambat-lambat pergi lab. all sorts of things. but, because the WHOLE class wants to ponteng physics, instead of doing those little things, each and everyone of us would skip school. to the point where i think my class, 5 Omega, spent half of 2017, skipping school. it’s either “ma, harini tak belajar sebab cikgu tak datang/ ada event kat sekolah.” or “ma, kawan semua tak datang, nanti if pergi sekolah, kosong takde siapa.” because it’s true. desperate times, desperate measures. TETAPI, siapa je manusia yang berani ponteng kelas Mama Suzi ye??? (we call her Mama Suzi because the first time we met her, she was pregnant) (she also doesn’t know about this nickname) (don’t tell her) (we sayang you cikgu!) our chemistry teacher, Cikgu Suzila memang satu kelas takut gilos sampai nak mintak pergi toilet pun boleh terkencing on the spot. (she also was surprised when we confronted that we takut dengan dia). don’t get me wrong though, dia tak garang but sooo tegas. one of the best teachers i’ve ever had. whenever she teaches, chemistry becomes so crystal clear, sampai you tukar cita-cita nak jadi chemist. over kan, bye. to my juniors, jangan sampai lambat to her class (she’s always early!) and jangan panggil dia Mama Suzi, that’s our thang.

bringing my phone to school is also a HUGE challenge for me. because like i said, i’m the takut-gila-ngan-cikgu-kalau- yeah, you get it. the first thing i do when i arrive school is take out my phone, take the cover off, and shove it in Dayang’s purse before anyone could even blink. ye, i know, what a loser. Cikgu Saiful would be proud of me for being this scared towards teachers. however, i needed to bring my phone to school everyday because one thing you should know about my classmates; we’re narcissists.

-first lab experiment!

-us.

-last PJ class.

-birthday celebration in class.

the first few months of school are just filled with background noises of teachers telling us how crucial SPM is. obviously, to make us paranoid. but let me tell you a secret, the first few months are going to be great. scary, because everyone talks about SPM, but great. so, cherish these moments. especially when you have amazing classmates who treat each other like family. and as a family, we would always have breakfast together. what’s on the menu, you ask? Dayang’s mom’s mi goreng, sandwiches, roti gardenia yang ada inti coklat/vanilla/jagung tu, cookies yang Syahmizzat baked with love, nasi goreng and most importantly, gula-gula/chocolates that we stole from Fikri’s school bag.

and it’s also going to be great when you have a great circle of friends. Amira, the clumsiest most kecoh amongst us all yet always caring for everyone in the group. Lyana, the most annoying yang suka kacau orang yet always telling us to never give up. Natasha, the smallest in our group, yet always reminding us when we forget. Syaza, the most sensitive in the group, yet always helping us when in need. Ainin Sab, the most pasrah, menyerah dan redha dengan segala dugaan, yet the most successful amongst us and always teaching us alot of things. Aqilah, the most gedik and mengada, yet the one who’s always there for us when we’re feeling lonely and never fails to cheer up a dull situation. Pia, the most suka complain when it comes to school yet the strongest of us all and the most fun to talk to. Adlin, the most perasan yang nak dia sorang je best, yet the one who will always make us smile and laugh when we’re down. Ainin Sof, the most dramatic in the group, yet always so motherly and checking up on us if we need anything. last but not least, Dayang, the best i ever had.

-us bila takde cikgu.

school trips are the best. during form 5, you will go to a lot of seminars outside of school. the best part of it, other than meeting other schools, usha hot guys/girls, show how cool you are to other schools and take pics with them? the bus ride. jamming to songs with your classmates, making dumb videos and mostly sleeping. sleeping on a school day? fun. sleeping while attending school? a dream come true.

-class trip to Cyberjaya.

but, you know what else is the best part of the year? SPM. truth is, there’s so much struggling for SPM. there’s tons of tuitions, a load of homeworks, extra-curricular stuffs you gotta be involved in. it’s the biggest part of the journey. you either study hard, study smart, or go home. trust me when i say, ALL of us share something in common; we love to procrastinate. i always tell myself, my biggest regret isn’t not studying, it’s procrastinating. there’s a difference. when i don’t study, i do it all out. i take the rest i think i deserve, i use all the time i have, to actually not focus on anything and laze around. but when i procrastinate, i do not rest nor study. i just exhaust myself by asking the same question and feel guilty. “should i study now or should i do it later?” on and on, and that’s tiring. do NOT procrastinate. if you think you can’t take it anymore, take the rest you deserve. if you feel like you do not want to study, do not study. because when you do, your own body will decline any information you try to squeeze in and that’s time wasting. you know what better thing to do than force yourself to study WHEN YOU KNOW FOR SURE YOU MALAS GILA BUT YOU’RE JUST DOING IT FOR THE SAKE OF SPM and make nothing out of it? rest. know and understand how precious time is, so make sure you know when to rest, to study, to eat, to sleep. know your body. here’s another tip; prioritize your sleep.

-me thinking about SPM.

but what makes a student without teachers? i have amazing teachers. Puan Bahiyah, my mathematics teacher. one of the most penyabar person i have ever met, always calm and content. Ustazah Nik Salida, one of the best teacher you’ll ever meet. super sempoi, always making jokes and teaches you very meaningful life lessons. Cikgu Hayati, my chemistry tuition teacher, such an amazing teacher, beautiful inside and out (and always hambar). Miss Reen, my english teacher, she’s one in a million. she identifies with each and everyone of her student, always trying fun things, and very inspiring. you can literally talk about anything with her, you can gossip, talk about your mom, your crush, your friendship problems, anything. Cikgu Suzila, always wanting the best for us, walaupun dia dah penat layan kitorang punya mengada, she still teaches us very passionately. Cikgu Syakimi, always believing in me, always seeing the best version of me which i cherish very much. Cikgu Azrah, someone i will always hold close to my heart. she’s hilarious, motherly, always there for me, always believes in me and trusts me, she’s one of the best friend i’ve ever had. safe to say, all the times i spent with my teachers are honestly, truly, amazingly, good times.

however, you can never get good times without a mother load of bad times. here’s when things don’t go the way you want. here’s the part where we claim it to be the worst phase of our life. why? because this is the point of life where everyone has to focus on themselves and grow up. this is the point of life where you feel like your friends are leaving you out and you feel like an outcast. this is the point of life where everyone calls each other backstabbers like it’s their first name. this is the point where people forget how great the year started and it is now, just memories. that’s what senior year does to you. it makes you think you’re the badass who got your shit together when the truth is, life is more than that. you lose things. your friends, your feelings, yourself. that’s when you learn to understand that everyone has flaws. people are gonna do you wrong, people are gonna hurt you and betray your trust. they’re gonna take a very close look into your life and make sure you’re never better than them. that’s when you learn to understand that we’re humans, and making mistakes is one of our best trait. even though, you will feel miserable, destroyed, lonely and aggrieved for a long period of time, it’s a lesson. like it or not.

it’s always crazy how the one year that you really crafted to be perfect, was the one with the most flaw. but no doubt, it was the realest, though. it was the one that made you realize, who’s worth your time, and who’s just passing by. there are those who check up on you constantly and those who only greets you for gossip. those who wants the best for you and those who wants the best for you too, just not better than them. those who see you as a person and those who doesn’t see you at all. the ones who are there with you when you started the year aren’t always the ones who you end the year with. stupid fights, minor little things, and a sloppy high school rumor becomes a friendship dealbreaker. for some, i’m more than happy to leave because of how much negativity they come with but there’s also some whom i wish i had said something nicer. most importantly, whatever ended between each one of us, i could never deny that they are the best people i’ve ever met.

obviously, there are many things we hate about each other. yet, our bond was always what kept us together and i will not take that for granted because i still remember the little things. like Natasha constantly shouting “siapa last masuk kelas, dia busuk!!!” and everyone running like crazy sebab takut kena ejek busuk. tahpape. i still remember we were always discussing siapa kahwin dulu and constantly end up with a debate wether it’s Ainin or Aqilah. i’m #TeamAqilahKahwinDulu. and that discussion never fail to follow up with “ok so Shauqi akan kahwin berapa? confirm empat weh” or “Dayang akan bukak nursery jaga semua anak kita while kita dating.” such stupid conversations, yet i know some of you kept it in a special place in your heart. but i simpan sebab bila Aqilah kahwin first nanti i nak cakap i told you so. i still remember our stupid games, truth or dare, mafia, that stupid-tekap-tangan-atas-kertas-untuk-tahu-you-dapat-kereta-Mercedes-ke-kereta-sorong-bila-dah-besar, ice&water, and alphabet game. the similar 7:30a.m. conversations we have which is “harini cikgu apa tak datang?”. the similar 10:30a.m. conversations we have which is “harini nak makan bakso ke?”. the similar 9p.m. conversations we have in our class whatsapp group which is “siapa ponteng esok?” that comes with a 1. 2. 3. sebab nak suruh key-in nama masing-masing. above all, they are amazing people. maybe some aren’t so amazing to me, maybe some did me wrong, maybe some have hurt me, but it never cancels out the fact that you guys have been great. it’s been great.

that’s what senior year prepare you for; life. that’s growing up. the choice you have to make is to either take it as a lesson or hold a grudge.

yes, it wasn’t the perfect year we wanted it to be, hell, it was nothing near how i pictured it. but, whatever, perfections are fantasy and imperfection are always much more beautiful because it has flaws; and flaws are breathtaking. i mean, look at what it has given me? lessons. meaningful lessons i never thought i’d get from school; not just a place i go for education, but a place i actually learned something.

overall, i’d say my senior year was a rollercoaster of emotions. i felt wonderful, devastated, lost, powerless, hurt, joyful, confused and stressed but it was one hell of a ride. however, deep down in my heart, i would not want to do it all over again. it’s time to move on. to another phase of life. i’ll let you know what i call it, yeah?

#terima kasih geng #salam maju jaya

i realized

having someone who hurts you

but honestly wants you

is way better than

having someone who treats you nicely

just to make you feel wanted

but

i also realized

i am the one being hurt

because

i am the only one wanting everyone

and everyone else are just

being nice

To My Ex-Best Friend,

I hope you’re the happiest you could ever be. I know, it have always been my fault in all of our fights but, it was always you who would apologize. I’m far away from your sight, never in your thoughts, my name never came out of your mouth anymore, and that’s almost okay. Moving on from someone who I would light up whenever I talk about them, is hard. Funny, but the person was you. I’d show you that I hated you as much as I could and I’m still unsure of the reason. You’ve been nothing but an amazing, beautiful, kind-hearted soul. It’s always like that. People would cherish something more when it’s gone. I know because, you cared about me. You loved me. You’d wake me up for sahur. Show up in front of my doorstep, bringing some cakoi(s) in a red plastic bag. You’d try to make me happy by memorizing my dance coreography. You’d wait the whole evening to teman me chase over an orange cat. You’d let me disturb your sleep and you’d say ‘its okay’ while heating up a bowl of nasi goreng that I’ve begged you for at 4 a.m. You’d listen to my favourite line in the movie ‘Gone Girl’ even when your laptop’s speaker was down. You’d text me whenever your mom cooked my favourite buttered prawns. And simply, you’d be with me;

And it stopped.

It was so sudden, the reason wasn’t clear. It was my fault, although I did not know what I did wrong. The questions that kept on haunting me was ‘Am I a good friend?’ ‘Have I ever made you happy?’ ‘Why wasn’t I enough?’. However, whatever it was, it mattered. And I regret it, oh boy, I did. The word ‘sorry’ wouldn’t be enough and I know that. It will never be. Nothing will ever be. Just that, I miss you more than you could ever imagine. More than anyone could ever imagine.

To my ex best-friend,

Don’t you miss me?

#i know its impossible but please come back.

JANUARY

[these were written in January 2016, in different dates.]

1. I spent the first days of 2016 with thinking, thinking and thinking. Super indecisive between the subjects I can cope with and the subjects my parents wants me to succeed with. I passed my Engineering Drawing examination and my parents suddenly doesn’t mind not having a zoologist in the house, though I still wish to study Animal Biology after SPM.

2. I wish I could tell her how beautiful she looked with her new spectacles.

3. He is really nice, but that's just my little secret. If I let him know, it wouldn't be a secret anymore and I'm never a fan of that.

4. But, how do I tell him, to not call me that?

5. She was firm this time, her decisions were fixed and tough. Well, tough for me, because I miss her. And yet, I still hear my heart shattering at the fact that she deleted our picture. But who cares, it was an ugly picture, anyways.

6. Break ups aren't really about two people breaking their relationship, I guess it's all about two people breaking each other to pieces. Mostly, only one regrets.

7. I secretly hope that she knows how insecure I am towards her. I also secretly hope she doesn't. I've never cried so hard knowing I wasn't good enough. Only towards her.

8. My niece turned two. Time flies so fast, it felt like it was just yesterday when she first discovered that sheep says ‘Ba!’.

9. I realized how much I hated seeing my siblings cry. Somehow, I can immediately relate and feel them. However I never get to save them. It's pathetic how I can hear their hearts breaking, but I wasn't there when it shattered.

10. I didn't really like it and it was long gone, anyways. She brought it up.

#no one will understand but its for close friends only or just me

islamicrays

“There is nothing to be upset about in this world, except the prayers that you missed”

Shaykh Muhammad al-Yaqoubi (via islamicrays)

infp-quotes

I’m never bored. I can sit down with no music or anything for hours and not get bored as I’m always thinking of things or coming up with scenarios and stories that will most likely never happen. I find my mind to be my greatest companion and when I tell others that, they don’t understand. But I do, and that is all that matters to me.

Submitted by anonymous (via infp-quotes)

islamic-art-and-quotes

Where your mind goes during prayer is where your heart is. Take it back to your Lord.

Abdulbary Yahya

Originally found on: beautifulsabr

(via islamic-art-and-quotes)

good food + happy parents 💓 @ Serai, Empire Shopping Gallery, Subang Jaya.

Now, what?

I haven’t been sleeping well these past few days. Every day, I would wake up at 2 or 4 a.m. and continue sleeping at 1 a.m. the next day. It’s surreal. I recalled me yelling to everyone I know about the lack of sleep I get before PT3. Now, I’m back being super stressed out. About nothing. Which is weird because, I admit, I haven’t been close to ‘okay’ these past few days but whenever my friends asks what’s wrong, I would say “Nothing happened.” and they would get mad at me for not telling them things. When really, nothing did happened. Don’t they understand what was the problem? The problem was nothing happening. It drives me crazy.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to lately.

No goal that I wish to achieve nor a new interesting person that I wanna learn about. No trying to stalk my neighbour’s cats nor a new subject to learn at school. I feel nothing. Not just feel, I have nothing. Nothing to do, mostly. You might wanna say, “Alisya get your ass up and go take a walk in the neighbourhood or something.” but believe me, I tried. My parents won’t let me out of the house. It’s dangerous and I need to have someone with me in order to get out! TRUST ME, my friend came over and I still can’t get out because she’s just a girl. Oh, you wanna ask, how about a guy? You’re funny.

But, I totally understand why parents does that and it’s okay.

Also, funny story, last night, I watched ‘Panic Room’ (awesome movie with amazing concept, that is.) and I went to sleep at 2 a.m. Guess what? I woke up at 3 a.m. with an extremely painful headache. I heard some footsteps outside my bed room and I started to get super paranoid. LIKE WHAT THE HELL ALISYA THAT’S JUST YOUR BRAIN BEING LIKE HEY DO U WANNA FEEL WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN MOVIES?? By the way, it was just my brother.

My post-pt3 life have been watching Lily Collins cry and fall out of love, Jodie Foster screaming and Ben Affleck cheat on his wife. Movies. Every goddamn day. It’s good and bad at the same time. Good is that I get to do what I love. Bad is that I didn’t get to do what I love.

I have no idea, I’m in a mess. Hopefully it’s like an art. A mess that will mean something.

#lifeeeeee