Ali Webster

[alitwebster]

In an ocean of despair, you were the standing lighthouse. It didn't feel like this two years ago. It did not feel like there would be light to see in the middle of the great night that his brain felt trapped in. When he got trapped in that cellar, and saw the water filling the small room up with each second that passed, Ali saw himself die. He screamed before he accepted that this day would be his last. However, when the branch that was blocking the door was removed, and Ali and his friend were evacuated, he had to reconcile his brain with the fact that he had cheated death. When the water came tingling his eyeballs, Ali mixed his tears with the spoiled water and felt his heart tear in his chest. It was too late. The feeling of being both dead and alive shattered him in the hours, days and weeks that followed. Taking a shower became just as hard as climbing Mount Everest, and a rainy day transformed into his worst nightmare. Even though his skin didn't bear the marks of his past, Ali still felt the power of the hose against his naked skin. He had forgotten it for so long, feeling it again, and with such vivacity, was too much for anyone's brain. So his didn't survive. This storm in East Haven wasn't like that. Ali didn't almost die, he didn't drown. It was still a storm, and although he'd never been scared of them before, they now created a sense of danger that lasted for days and days and days. Today, Ali woke up with a sense of urgency. Like something bad was about to happen again. What he brushed off as simple anxiety stayed with him through the day though, and he didn't realise he was giving you the cold shoulder. He didn't mean to, at least. No, he was simply in his head, searching for some kind of relief, something that would alleviate the pain his mind felt. "Hm ?" He turned towards you, tired eyes and pensive look. "Oh. Okay. Nebula." Even though he recognised the sign, he didn't automatically react. It took him a few seconds to take a deep breath and actually gather his thoughts. "I think the storm scared me more than I would have liked. I erhm... I don't feel so good. Like it's still happening, you know. Some of it's still happening up there." Ali replied, lightly tapping on his temple. "But I'm okay. I will be, I mean. I just ... need to process. Can't believe I've come to hate storms at 36 years old..."

[aindreisblythe]

The storm hadn't been as bad. It didn't involve water. Those were things that Aindreis had spent the entire duration of the storm trying to remind himself so it made it a little better that he wasn't by your side and he couldn't even text or contact you any way shape or form apart from hoping you were getting his mental messages (you never know the day it works). But he could tell before he even saw you that it would impact you more than it would impact him. Had you not been in the picture, he'd probably spent the whole time in his bed napping. He'd heard horror stories of storms from fishermen and sailors before he was old enough to understand some of them were just stories, but while he was aware of its dangers, he wouldn't have cared all that much unless they'd been told it was changing to a hurricane. He knew this was good. It was a good thing. Imagine if the two of you had been in the same state after the storm? It would've been horrible. Since he was doing just fine, he could spend his free time doing his best to support you. It may take time, and he'd tried to make it clear that you should take it if needed, but he would be there.

You didn't exactly make it easy. He was doing his best to understand you and to understand how you were feeling and all, but sadly, mental messages still weren't working and he couldn't read your mind, no matter how hard he tried. He could've let it go, let you talk once you were ready but he'd seen where that led you before. No way he would let that happen again, not on his watch. So he could've let you give your answer and then thrown out the "nebula" code word, but he knew you enough to know you'd try to minimise this, if only to convince yourself you were handling it just fine.

"I'm here, you know? I can't do much but you can talk to me. I can tell not everything's alright you know. I'm sure you'll be, I don't doubt that. You've always been able to fall back on your feet. But in the meantime, I'm here," he replied before stretching to kiss your cheek. "I'm scared of the dark at 34. Is that any better?" He asks with a smile.

[alitwebster]

The term "scared of water" didn't sit right with Ali, neither did "scared of storms". It wasn't fear, that he felt deep in his core. With each wave that came crushing against the rocks of North Berwick two years ago, Ali relived a memory his brain had taken years to bury. With each mouthful of water he'd have, Ali wondered if that would be the one which would make his lungs implode. Now, Ali barely tolerated taking a shower, and would often make it as quick as possible, not being able to enjoy it as much as he used to. He hated that pit in his stomach that settled and never went away. He hated refusing pool days, or saying no to a boat tour, when he knew they were a big part of your identity. You were practically born on a boat for christ's sake, and he wasn't even able to bathe. So no, maybe things weren't all that great. Ali wasn't doing all that great. He wasn't lying when he said he was okay, he was, considering things. He managed to get out of bed, go about his days, and sleep a few hours. He was fine, and would be okay, with time. But everything felt hard, and he had to put in so much effort to live a normal life. "I know you're here. I just ... don't know what to say ? It's weird, thinking that it was "just" a storm, that it was nothing big, but at the same time, being so afraid something like North Berwick can happen here as well ? I'm always waiting for something. I don't know how you can help... We can buy a small night light, if you want." Ali ended, smiling. "But I'm not sure how we can solve things in my case." Soon, Ali laid down on your knees and sighed, playing with your hand. " I do try to talk. There's just this, well this storm, going on in my head, and I just get busy trying to fight it. I forget you're here too. I'm sorry." @aindreisblythe

[alitwebster]

Shame, Ali thought he'd gotten here early enough not to have the end of afternoon rush all coffee places went through. Sure, when he got there, the queue didn't seem bad at all, but after a trip to the restroom (instead of waiting in line as soon as he'd arrive), Ali sighed silently. He'd gotten behind the last person, watched the line get longer behind him, and saw all the customers taking the last empty tables. "Hm ?" He asked you at first, before his brain and ears could understand what you were saying. "Oh ! Yeah, sure ! I mean, that is if we manage to have a table. Otherwise it's going to be the stairs I'm afraid." Ali joked, smiling.

[calxwallace]

It was definitely going to be a challenge to get themselves a table, but she was certain that if they both kept their eyes peeled they would get it done. She was always used to reserving a table whenever she went somewhere to eat, something that she had learned growing up. Always have people expecting you, even a business. But it had been on a whim that she decided to walk in this place to grab a bite to eat. "If we stare at someone hard enough who is already done eating, perhaps they'll get uncomfortable and leave." She was joking... Or was she? Her smile made it impossible to read. "What did you want? It'll be my treat for keeping me company. You're Ali, right? Aindreis' fella?" @alitwebster

[alitwebster]

Ali laughed at your suggestion. He could do that. When one saw Ali stare, you couldn't quite decide if he was thinking or about to fall asleep, so the people sitting at the tables would surely be uncomfortable. However, you talked just before he had time to put this plan into action. "Hm ? Oh no, don't worry. But erhm... You know Andy ? I'm not sure he's mentioned you before. I mean I have no idea who you are, I'm sorry. But yeah, Ali. I'm surprised you know what I look like though." Ali arched an eyebrow, amused at the thought that Aindreis must have shown you a picture or something. "It really is a small town, eh ?" @elodiexmorgan

[alitwebster]

Ali didn't have a spectacular kind of love. He wasn't big on movie-like PDA and romantic gestures. He loved quietly, by saying" I love you" when he left for work, by smuggling in bed, by making you your favorite dish. It also meant he loved discreetly, with no effort, and without asking too much. He liked his space, and he liked that you needed yours. He loved how silences had never really been a problem in your relationship.

Ali didn't fall in love with you, per say. In all his discretion and subtlety, Ali first became familiar with your voice again. Then came your smell, which, even tainted with tobacco, he grew to miss. After that, your presence was the last thing he got attached to. That's what he craved the most, surely because it gave him everything else he loved about you.

But then, just when he arrived in East Haven, your presence disappeared, leaving him in a flat, and a city he didn't know. That was fine. He had plenty to do, actually. Finishing up the decorating, emptying up the last boxes. You had left him a huge amount of stuff to do. It should have been their first clue, really, that he had to create a home when you clearly had another one, waiting for you each morning. However Ali built, rearranged, decorated, put away, without blinking an eye. You were busy. Just like you were saying, he knew that before coming here, right ?

After your presence, your smell came away. At least Ali felt like so. He couldn't smell your hair or neck when he fell asleep. He never smelled your failed cooking when he came back from the diner. He didn't smell your favorite soap on you anymore. Instead, Ali smelled his own perfume in the morning, he smelled the diner’s food, and he smelled the cold pillow when falling asleep. Taking back your smell made him feel the most alone. God, he started feeling so lonely, as if you were simply abandoning him.

Day after day, your voice grew scarce. It became voice notes, "sorry I'm late"s on a phone or in a cold ass bed around midnight. 

It then grew silent. Ali couldn't hear your voice anymore. There were no more voice notes, no more hellos, no more apologies. Everything was just so.... silent. If your partner had chosen this silence, like he had so many times during his meditation retreats, then maybe it could have been easier. Now, it was too hard. Silence had a devastating effect on Ali. It didn't matter if you were here or not, the silence had already settled in like a bad infection. When he woke up, you were usually asleep still. Silence. When he got to spend the day home, your interactions got colder and more shy. You were both constantly walking on eggshells, not wanting to make a bomb explode, fearing things would never be the same again. Except that was already the case. Ali kept telling you, things were in such a bad state that you two acted like two angry roommates. He hated that, not being able to talk to you. However, somewhat unconsciously, anger did come in the mix- When Ali noticed you were home during the day, he couldn't think of a sick leave anymore. You were gone for so long, he had grown so used to your absence, surely you weren't here for good. No, anger told him that you had found a way to bring some work home, that you were looking for a way to ease the fights, and that made him resentful. To Ali, you were invading the apartment with worse than a secret love affair. You were disrespectful. And he did not know you to be disrespectful, any more than he knew himself to be

angry and not talk about it.

You could have never predicted it would come out like this, blunted out in the middle of the night, as Ali was sobering up and you were trying to get some rest-Tonight was supposed to be a step towards the night direction. lasted, it was a fiasco.

By the time he was finished talking, Ali was quietly crying, letting silent tears roll down his cheeks. He knew this would only be the beginning of a fight you should have had a long time ago, but he never thought you were this for gone, while ironically being in your own kitchen. 

Ali didn't get to talk for a good five minutes. You were doing exactly what he had done just before and yet he wanted to yell at you to shut up. He hated feeling like this towards you, yet he wanted to yell every time you excused your behavior saying he was warned. God, he hated that excuse even more than he hated being alone.

When you were finally done, the mood had changed. Ali was more sad than he was angry, although the latter emotion lingered somewhere in his mind.

" I know, Andy, that I haven't behaved that romantically these past months, but all your sorry's can't make up for the fact that you have left me alone, all this time. I wanted to come here, with you, I wanted to have a life, here, with you. But we don't. We’ve explored next to nothing together, while we saw many things on our own. I, didn't come here for your work. You did. And somehow along the way, you seem to have forgotten that beside your workload, you took another person here with you. I don’t care that things are hard, I do care however, that you gradually shut me out of that new life of yours, and became all the more angrier when I started doing the same. That is what I hate. That is what I loathe, in fact. You can't excuse all that by saying you 're going to therapy. What the hell ? Good for you, you 're working on yourself, and now what remains of us ? You work at Gemini, on your own. You work on yourself, on your own. Where has that left me, all these months ? Frankly love, I think I could be more cruel. You act as if I am the one making this go wrong, when you've been sabotageing our relationship from the moment I arrived. Don't make me the villain because you have trouble coming to terms with everything that's caused. I don't even know this American city guy you've been pretending to be. Leave if that is what you wish but don't pretend I am making this harder. You're been more than capable of doing this yourself these past months."

As his usual self, Ali was not raising his voice any longer. He was shattered, to tell you these words, to think them. He knew he didn't reply to every word you said, but it was becoming hard to talk without starting to cry again. Ali didn't let you start talking though, and finished his tirade with a few last words. "I don't want to leave, and I do not want you to leave either. I made you the center of my world for a long time, Aindreis, when I should have just put myself. And you should be at the center of yours. May be I am not doing this self care thing correctly, I do not want you to suffer from it, but we can it go on like this." His last words were a whisper. Shameful, Ali started looking at his hands, before deciding on a chair to sit on.

[aindreisblythe]

At the beginning of your relationship, Aindreis had wondered if things would work out. Not in a grand scheme, long haul kind of way, but like what kind of compromises you'd have to do kind of way. In the end, not much. You both weren't big PDA fans, You both loved mostly quietly but surely. Sure, there was no doubt that Andy was more exuberant than you were. He was louder and more impulsive. It would've made sense that some things would clash, but it didn't, not really. His brother once told him that if his name sign in BSL was hurricane, it wasn't just because he couldn't seem to keep still, but also because he loved like one. With everything he had, never looking back. He fell fast and hard. Of course, that had been said as a consolation after the Jane disaster, but it still worked here. After the motel, he never once looked back. He wouldn't dream it. But he wasn't like this in showing it. Especially because of the way you were. Your presence was so calming and relaxing, there was no need to scream he loved you from the rooftops. Whispers were enough.

Or so he thought. Maybe it wasn't, and he just didn't realise. Yes, he'd fucked up. He knew that and he was beating himself up about it every day but he never thought you'd be the kind of person to make him pay for it in the way you were. He remembered thinking it was at once a terrifying and relieving thought to realize you wouldn't stay for him if he was hurting you too much. You'd said that back at the cabin. Terrifying because that meant the possibility of being abandoned at the worst time was real, and he feared this was what was happening. It happened before you mentioned. It did. And his mind will never let him forget that. Relieving because it meant you wouldn't let your love be unconditional enough that you'd end up getting hurt in the process. He hated the thought that loving him could wreck someone and you wouldn't let that happen, you said. It would be selfish to wish otherwise. And maybe it had been selfish to hope you'd stay after everything, but he did. He was still hoping but his grip was growing tired and he might let go of that hope soon enough.

He'd tried his best to ignore the distance that was growing between the two of you. Maybe it was hope, maybe it was stupidity, maybe it was simply that he didn't want to acknowledge it in fear it would make it real. Yeah, he'd thought he'd bring everything back. He was home all the time, so his presence should've come back, but you didn't even notice. You didn't care. And you were gone most of the time, so while his presence came back, yours faded away. His smell came back, sure, but yours was covered by alcohol one time too many and Andy just couldn't risk being close to that. He'd also hoped that coming back would've helped with the drying conversations between you two, but between the growing resentment and the simple fact that you weren't here, it didn't and so many things felt unsaid grew to fester when a few words could've healed the wound when it was just a paper cut.

Now the wound was so infected it hurt, and you were both twisting the knife. If there had been a time when he thought maybe a good fight would make things better, with things at least said, he was now wondering if this was the end. For the first time, he thought maybe it was for the best. Were things supposed to this hard?

At your reply to his words, Andy felt dismissed. He'd opened up about his struggles with hos sobriety that was becoming harder, but you didn't care. He'd apologised and offered his point of view, but you didn't care and almost told him he was wrong for feeling this way. He didn't know if there was something else to do or say. He wasn't even sure you were listening to him or if you were too far gone. And then saying you're not making things harder when he spelled out exactly how you were making things harder? "But you are. You are making things harder. If I can't use my reasons as excuses, neither can you." is what he wanted to say, but you didn't let him.

At this point, he was just defeated. Yes, he heard you say you didn't want to leave. But just because you didn't want something to happen, didn't mean it wouldn't. Didn't mean you didn't think it was the best choice in the end, like you said you would. Tearing up, he felt the leftovers of strength he had leave his body so he sat down on the floor, against the wall. He didn't know what to answer to that. Was he even supposed to say something? He was almost expecting you to walk out right now and he'd never see you again.

Aindreis was more than aware of the cold tiles under his bare feets. He used the coldness to ground him. It brought him back to that time at the cabin when he used your cold hands on his wrist to bring him back from that panic attack. Now, he was alone on the cold floor and you were watching him from your chair, with what seemed like a world in between the two of you. This thought forfeited any effort he was making in your kitchen and burying his face in his knees, he took a few breaths to calm himself down. "Are you breaking up with me?" he finally asked, looking up to you.

[alitwebster]

Dear angel face, I'm writing these words as I'm not sure how to gather the strength to say all of this with my voice. You taught me how to sign and we tried to talk multiple times already, yet not enough words could express everything I have to tell you. It will be long, I apologise for that. Bear with me. It will be painful, for I am in pain writing all of this as well, so I can only imagine the pain it will cause your wonderful heart. I love you. No buts. Know that despite everything you're about to read, in addition to the words you're about to read, I love you. I will try to repeat it as much as I can, to serve as a reminder while I lay on paper the things I've wanted to tell you for a while. I'm drowning, love. Once again, I find myself trapped without escape, and I am awfully afraid of not being able to find myself again. Everything hurts. Waking up in the morning, getting up and being alone... Eveyrthing hurts. It hurts even when you're here now. I am angry at you, for not being here, for not seeing that it doesn't require water for me to drown. I am angry at you, for drowning in the cave next to mine. I am angry that we don't talk, I am angry that you don't understand, and I know you're angry that I don't understand. I don't know what went wrong. I don't know if it's us moving here, you going to work, or me just being tired of not having somewhere to come home for longer than a few years. Maybe it's not even about all of that, maybe it's something else entirely and in that case I'm even more lost than I thought. I came under the impression that we would be here together, but we're clearly not. I am here, and you are here. That’s it. We coexist in a world we were not prepared for. I miss you. I love you and I miss you. What hurts the most I think is having the impression that you don't miss me in return, that your new life, although demanding, is so exciting that life by my side has become an afterthought, something you talk about over dinner on the couch and that's about it. I ask about your day and you sigh, because you're tired, or because it's not worth sharing. I would like to know which option to choose. Or is it because I don't have the privileged access to your life anymore ? Am I just a loyal spectator ? Have I come here to watch you crumble under the pressure of work, but being glad to do so ? I don't have access to your life, and I don't know how to make one for myself. I am in charge of moving in, but it awfully feels like I'm putting my stuff in an apartment I do not belong in. It feels like I am stageing your life and I, a mere prop, am waiting for you to come home. It's a lot. It's a lot and just like when you tell me to shut up when I speak too long, I'm telling you that you need to slow down. But how could I ever ask you this, when you took that opportunity ? When you chose to live at full speed because this job, this one, made you happier than the other ones you had ? How could I ever ask you to jeaopardize the life you're working so hard to build for yourself ? That would be selfish. And I am, in a way. Writing you these words.... I know that if you read them, you'll feel guilty, you'll try and do better. I know I should try and do better. Get out there, try some stuff, meet people. I have tried to do that. The night outs, the drinks, they're the branch I'm holding on to not to sink. I know they take a toll on you, but as I said, I'm selfish. I can't see another way. They make me more... tolerable. More fun. They make me get up without feeling so much of that pain I was talking about earlier. I want to go back to Scotland, sometimes. I admit it. I love you. I do. And I won't leave, because I can see you fit here. I will be better. I don't know how yet, but I know we will be better. Bear with me.

That letter Ali had written to you a few weeks back was hidden in one of the books in the shelf. It went on like this, for about four, five pages. Ali apologized, questioned your relationship without being scared for it. He questioned the way you could be better, the way he could support you better, while trying to be himself here. He had never realized he had agreed to come for you, and not for you both. He had not agreed to come, he had agreed to follow. And that was on him. The anger he felt was unfortunately directed at you, and he would later blame himself for that. But through that letter, he kept telling you, again, and again, that he loved you. Time and time again, he assured you that he was angry, but he wasn't not in love. He was angry, but he still thought of the greenhouse, the borrowed scarf, the jacket, the motel and the first time he saw you at the airport. Tonight, he disrespected you, he disrespected himself, and he disrespected your relationship. He hated the life you were building, because such life he didn't want. Your final question brought more tears to his eyes. No. He had thought about it, turned and turned the matter in his mind more than he could bear. He was sure of it. "No, but I think we need help. Otherwise we won't go far like this." Ali admitted, serious voice and serious face. " I don't want to lose you. But I feel like we're not... us." Ali had stopped yelling. His eyes were locked on a detail in the ground’s pattern. All the shouting and the fears and the tears exhausted him, numbed his mind, made his thoughts go foggy. You had to face reality, breaking up was inevitable if you did nothing to avoid it. But you couldn’t break up, right ? You were Ali and Andy. 

[alitwebster]

"Totally, let's do this !" Ali replied enthusiastically, when you showed up. "To be honest, I thought you would have forgotten about me by now. It's been so long ! But I'm ready now. Don't be too harsh on me !" Ali said and smiled, not fully aware of what was to come. You met on the streets, when you were handing out flyers. He had no idea what type of person you were.

[marcelvaughn]

"Hey, I don't forget about customers who explicitly tell me they almost drowned on our property." He reassured the other with a small smile. "I just hope we are able to fix the experience for you." He added. "Right so--" He gestured towards an empty seat, before taking the one opposite. "What do you like to do?"

[alitwebster]

"I survived, it's fine. I got scared more than I got harmed. Let's forget about that !" Ali replied, before being taken to the seats. " In terms of ? Sports ?" Ali asked, thinking. "Well, I do a lot of calisthenics. And I run, occasionally. If you consider yoga as sports, then count that in as well. But I tihnk I've never climbed something other than a rock ? I'm clearly not good around water. It scares me a bit, not going to lie. I've tried other stuff, but I think that's about it ?" Ali thought again, before nodding. "What do you offer here ? Like, what's that place of yours exactly ?"

[calxwallace]

open starter. capping at 3/3. location: patty's cafe.

"Gosh, it really is crowded in here, isn't it?" Elodie let out a chuckle, already having had someone step on her foot because of packed it was. Luckily for her, it was her prosthetic so she didn't feel a thing, sh would just have to brush the print off her shoe as soon as she had more space. She turned to the person next to her. "Do you feel like sharing a table as soon as one gets free? I feel hogging a table on your own might make people give one the evil eye." @easthavenstarters

[alitwebster]

Shame, Ali thought he'd gotten here early enough not to have the end of afternoon rush all coffee places went through. Sure, when he got there, the queue didn't seem bad at all, but after a trip to the restroom (instead of waiting in line as soon as he'd arrive), Ali sighed silently. He'd gotten behind the last person, watched the line get longer behind him, and saw all the customers taking the last empty tables. "Hm ?" He asked you at first, before his brain and ears could understand what you were saying. "Oh ! Yeah, sure ! I mean, that is if we manage to have a table. Otherwise it's going to be the stairs I'm afraid." Ali joked, smiling.

[alitwebster]

open starter @easthavenstarters

"I swear I didn't steal anything !" Ali implored in front of the security staff of the grocery store. "I'm telling you, this jacket is brand new, it's probably that, do you want to have a look at it ?" Ali asked, completely at a loss about what he had to do. All of this was creating a scene in the middle of the grocery store exit, and he felt so observed he started turning red. As the security guard started to unpack his bag, Ali turned towards you, the first person to pass by, looking for a little bit of support. "Are you seeing what's happening now ?"

[counselorapollo]

Apollo had something special planned for Ben tonight but it required a trip to the grocery store, among other places, but he hated shopping. He thought about just instacarting them and having them delivered to his home but given that most of the things he needed required refrigeration, he thought it best to take an hour and go shopping before heading back to work. He was finished checking out when he heard the commotion at the front of the store and despite his better judgment, he stayed to listen. "Excuse me, what exactly are you accusing him of?" He asked the guard, always ready to defend someone, even strangers. "Can you provide actual proof you saw him stealing or do I need to go full Karen and ask for a manager?"

[alitwebster]

Ali was panicking. There was no better word for it. Maybe he didn't see a tag, that was still attached to that jacket he bought the week before. Maybe he forgot to scan something and put it in the bag. Because the guard was so sure he did something, Ali started to second guess himself. You arrived just at the right time. "There's no proof. The alarm started going off, I wasn't the only one trying to get out, but I was the one being stopped. I'm in a hurry. Thank you for noticing. No need to go full Karen. I just want this to stop." Ali told you, while slowly lowering his voice. " Don't you have better things to do during your day, sir ?" Ali asked the guard, who started interrogating you. "Do you know this man, sir ?"

@counselorapollo

[leofernandz]

continued from [here] @alitwebster

Demir regarded the man when quiet curiosity as he reviewed the pamphlet but notably didn't take it. While Demir saw nothing wrong with men coming in for a massage, they weren't his typical demographic. His client base was 92% female after all. Not that he minded, in the least. "Oh, okay." Demir nodded, updated on the man's reason for entering the spa. "We can absolutely do that." He gestured for the man to follow him to a cozy sitting area once he'd grabbed his work-issued tablet. "What can you tell me about the couple you want to gift?"

[alitwebster]

"They aren't the typical romantic pair, let's say. They're more on the adventurer type, if you know what I mean. Like... Hikers, climbers, that sort of things." Ali started again, following you to the armchairs. " Absolutely not the type to have a massage surrounded with rose petals. Uh uh. But they would sure love to try some original services. The hot stones massage is a classic but they've never tried it. Do you offer any other fun services ?" Ali enquired, thinking Anna, his best friend, would have a blast trying different, never seen before, spa experiences. @demirediz

[aindreisblythe]

Closed for @alitwebster

January 11th, Ali and Aindreis' flat downtown.

Almost two years ago, in February 2022, you'd survived a storm, but barely. Aindreis could still remember finding you in your bathroom, drenched to the bone, shaking like a leaf and trying to hold back tears, unsuccessfully. The water you'd always been wary off almost had you. You'd also drowned. He still felt a pinch in his heart whenever he remembered that the sea he loved so much had invaded his hometown and almost taken you with her. Things had been made worse by the fact that, trying to reassure you, he'd uttered the first 'i love you' and taken it back a few days later in fear that it wasn't reciprocated. He hated to think that, looking back at the past year, you'd barely made progress in your communication.

Aindreis hadn't realised how much this all impacted him. Sure, it'd been a horrible time but he wasn't the one going through the horrible stuff. He'd been at home, on the 3rd floor, reading a book with a candle. But this was all awakened yesterday. Yeah, they'd warned of some wind picking up but you hadn't taken it that seriously. You'd said you needed to go the mall, so you did and Andy stayed at home, working on his computer now that he was back at work. But then wind started getting bad and he just had to go pick you up. He'd taken the car, which he seldom did willingly, and tried to go get you. But between the strong winds and his genuine discomfort with driving, he couldn't make it to destination. Instead, he'd spent the whole evening mopping around, pacing in desperate search for any hint of a connection on his phone, in a farm. Logically, he tried to think that there was no reason anything like last time could happen. It wasn't a flood, it was just wind. But he was spiralling and definitely thinking all kinds of worse case scenario. Especially when it seemed like such bad timing. You were finally making progress, both by yourselves and in couple's therapy. Not even that he thought something horrible happened to you, but last time it almost cost you your relationship, between the fights and your impromptu trip. This couldn't happen again.

When things had calmed down, he'd called you and picked you up. Even after checking everything was alright, he could tell something was off. He was too exhausted to talk about it on the spot and the next day, he was walking on eggshells, which was exactly what you'd promised not to do to each other. So, after your days at work, he'd let himself fall on the couch next to you and put his head on your shoulder. "Is everything alright?" He asked, more prudently than he'd have wanted. Both to erase the hesitation in his voice and counter any fake outs, he added a soft, "Nebula?"

[alitwebster]

In an ocean of despair, you were the standing lighthouse. It didn't feel like this two years ago. It did not feel like there would be light to see in the middle of the great night that his brain felt trapped in. When he got trapped in that cellar, and saw the water filling the small room up with each second that passed, Ali saw himself die. He screamed before he accepted that this day would be his last. However, when the branch that was blocking the door was removed, and Ali and his friend were evacuated, he had to reconcile his brain with the fact that he had cheated death. When the water came tingling his eyeballs, Ali mixed his tears with the spoiled water and felt his heart tear in his chest. It was too late. The feeling of being both dead and alive shattered him in the hours, days and weeks that followed. Taking a shower became just as hard as climbing Mount Everest, and a rainy day transformed into his worst nightmare. Even though his skin didn't bear the marks of his past, Ali still felt the power of the hose against his naked skin. He had forgotten it for so long, feeling it again, and with such vivacity, was too much for anyone's brain. So his didn't survive. This storm in East Haven wasn't like that. Ali didn't almost die, he didn't drown. It was still a storm, and although he'd never been scared of them before, they now created a sense of danger that lasted for days and days and days. Today, Ali woke up with a sense of urgency. Like something bad was about to happen again. What he brushed off as simple anxiety stayed with him through the day though, and he didn't realise he was giving you the cold shoulder. He didn't mean to, at least. No, he was simply in his head, searching for some kind of relief, something that would alleviate the pain his mind felt. "Hm ?" He turned towards you, tired eyes and pensive look. "Oh. Okay. Nebula." Even though he recognised the sign, he didn't automatically react. It took him a few seconds to take a deep breath and actually gather his thoughts. "I think the storm scared me more than I would have liked. I erhm... I don't feel so good. Like it's still happening, you know. Some of it's still happening up there." Ali replied, lightly tapping on his temple. "But I'm okay. I will be, I mean. I just ... need to process. Can't believe I've come to hate storms at 36 years old..."

[alitwebster]

open starter @easthavenstarters

"I swear I didn't steal anything !" Ali implored in front of the security staff of the grocery store. "I'm telling you, this jacket is brand new, it's probably that, do you want to have a look at it ?" Ali asked, completely at a loss about what he had to do. All of this was creating a scene in the middle of the grocery store exit, and he felt so observed he started turning red. As the security guard started to unpack his bag, Ali turned towards you, the first person to pass by, looking for a little bit of support. "Are you seeing what's happening now ?"

[alitwebster]

Closed starter for @marcelvaughn

When : start of January

Some time ago, Ali had promised to come back to the adventure center to experience something other than drowning with one of your equipments. Time flew by, things got rough, and he only remembered now, when he found one of your flyers in a bag he hadn’t taken up again since September.

It was around 1 pm when he opened the door of the center and announced himself with a big hello. « I’m looking for Marcel. We have an overdue appointment. » Ali smiled, patiently waiting for you.

[marcelvaughn]

One of his employees called him out to the floor, so Marcel got up from behind his desk and made his way out to the reception desk. When he entered the room, a smile took shape on his lips as he remembered the other. "Hey!" He greeted, "I'm glad to see you made it back. Finally decided to take me up on the offer, huh?"

[alitwebster]

"Totally, let's do this !" Ali replied enthusiastically, when you showed up. "To be honest, I thought you would have forgotten about me by now. It's been so long ! But I'm ready now. Don't be too harsh on me !" Ali said and smiled, not fully aware of what was to come. You met on the streets, when you were handing out flyers. He had no idea what type of person you were.

[leofernandz]

Open Starter (cap at 2): Allure Day Spa

"Okay, so currently we have these options available." Demir showed the prospective client a laminated document that showcased a variety of wellness services. Deep-tissue massages being the most popular. "Right now, there's a special discount for a couple's massage up to February 14th." He explained, tilting his head slightly. "Unless you're single.. then I could offer you something else?" Demir didn't want to make assumptions on the other's relationship status, but he figured that fishing for information was fair.. for business.

[alitwebster]

Once upon a time, Ali had the same job. He even had his own wellness center, back in Scotland. To this day, going to a spa still felt a little weird, like he knew too much of the inner workings of such a place. However, he remained very polite, and discreet. His therapist told him to take care of himself a little bit. That’s what he was here for. He looked at your pamphlet and smiled. « I don’t think my partner would see a massage as self care. » Ali laughed, and gave the document back. « But I am here for another couple. Looking for a gift, in fact. Could we, maybe, create a package of services they could have in a few hours, I don’t know ? »

[alitwebster]

Closed starter for @marcelvaughn

When : start of January

Some time ago, Ali had promised to come back to the adventure center to experience something other than drowning with one of your equipments. Time flew by, things got rough, and he only remembered now, when he found one of your flyers in a bag he hadn’t taken up again since September.

It was around 1 pm when he opened the door of the center and announced himself with a big hello. « I’m looking for Marcel. We have an overdue appointment. » Ali smiled, patiently waiting for you.

[alitwebster]

"And you still need not to be a dick." Ali sighed before getting closer. "Come on, you need some meds. If you don't have any, we're going to see a doc, or a pharmacist. We'll get my insurance working." A new sigh crossed his lips before he sent a text to a friend so that Claude could be picked up. "Out of all the people in town this morning, he had to pick the allergic one. We're not far, I'm not letting you go without having this checked out, or without filling some form, I don't know." @jeremyxlieberman

[jeremyxliebermanpatel]

"O, piss off." Jeremy said angrily before sneezing again. "I'm not going anywhere with you. I have medication at my office." He rubbed his eye a little more. "And there will not be papers. I'm not gonna sue you. Unless you keep having issues keeping that thing under control. I'm sure someone will come in to do something." @alitwebster

[alitwebster]

« Oh then please, go. Jesus where have you learned to be this agreeable? » Ali asked before leaving you and started walking the opposite without saying goodbye. What was the point anyway ? « Hope he chokes on dog hair » Ali whispers to Claude on his way home.

END. @jeremyxlieberman

[alitwebster]

You were, indeed, one of his best friends, one of his oldest friends. He liked your presence, and most of all, your honesty. You weren't prone on disguising your thoughts to ease the other's pain. If something was to be said, then you did. He loved that about you, but today, he kind of hated it. Ali had a rough few weeks. Months, really. But one thing he was very good at, was not bothering his friends with all that was going on in his mind. You knew Aindreis. You came for dinner at their place several times, you hung out with them on several occasions. What would you think of Ali, if he told you he got the habit of getting super drunk to avoid feeling lonely ? What would you think of Aindreis ? It wouldn't be fair to talk to you about all that. It wouldn't have been fair to come to your house in the middle of the night. To summarise, he was too ashamed to let an old friend know. Savannah was a newer friend, one who didn't know everything, one he had time to build a whole new friendship. You didn't know this Ali. You had no idea of how fucked up this all was. He couldn't burden you with that. "What do you mean, why Savannah ? I told you, she didn't feel great, so I went to her place. She called me, I had a feeling she could need a presence, so I went." But of course you weren't buying that. So, after a few seconds, when guilt crept up on Ali's cheeks, he finally gave in. "Or maybe I wasn't feeling so great, and given the way I smelled after going to three different bars, I didn't want you to see me like that."

[thejospring]

In your situation, Jo would have done something similar. It was difficult to imagine her in a similar situation anyway, but in theory. She was prone to push things aside like they didn't matter and she was good at pretending they didn't. Lying as one could call it. So she would understand the urge to pretend everything was fine and hide anything pointing to the contrary for people close to her.

She shook her head at your words. "If you want to lie and move on, just say so." She replied, tilting her head. Your story was full of plot holes and it wasn't your style so something was wrong. If you told her to fuck off, she would. But she had to insist for your sake.

"Cmon... Like I've never been in that situation. You know me better than that. I wouldn't care and you know it. So what's the issue really?"

[alitwebster]

Ali knew you wouldn’t take any shit. But everything was so chaotic these days that he didn’t know if he even knew how to phrase everything.

« Andy and I aren’t doing well. I had too many drinks and I was ashamed. Happens a lot these days. I’m trying to make friends. Because I don’t have a lot here. I’m trying to make a life, because he’s been working non stop and I don’t exist. So I didn’t feel like going home, and I didn’t want you knowing. That’s it. »

Ali shrugged, and got up. « I don’t want you telling me I’m fucking up. I know, but I don’t know how to make things better right now. Let’s just fix the car and keep a smile for today. Okay ? »

@thejospring

[alitwebster]

Ali was right, though. Claude was never this cheery. He was an old soul, in a tiny body. Maybe the rain excited him a little too much, or maybe he saw you, grey as the sky, and wanted to cheer you up. Ali believed his dog sensed things really well. Whenever he was sad, or anxious, Claude would come and cuddle wherever he could find a comfy spot, as if his presence was enough for a human to relax. But right now, how his dog could sense human emotions didn't matter. He tried to help you, but stepped back when you showed you were clearly annoyed. Oh come on, nothing a good washing machine couldn't fix, right. "I'm sorry ? He made you fall and spill your coffee. I can always repay you that but I don't think I need a lesson on holding a leash. You aren't dead." Ali was annoyed now, too. Then, he saw your eyes getting red. That couldn't be from the anger, right ? You couldn't be THAT dramatic ? "Your eyes. Are you okay ?"

[jeremyxliebermanpatel]

He was getting more irritated at this guy, but it was due to the allergies that were coming in as well as the lack of sleep. He was normally a nice guy, but the circumstances of the morning weren't showing that. "You still need better control." Jeremy said harshly and started running his eye as it got red. "No, I'm not okay. I'm having an allergic reaction to your bloody dog." He sneezed again. @alitwebster

[alitwebster]

"And you still need not to be a dick." Ali sighed before getting closer. "Come on, you need some meds. If you don't have any, we're going to see a doc, or a pharmacist. We'll get my insurance working." A new sigh crossed his lips before he sent a text to a friend so that Claude could be picked up. "Out of all the people in town this morning, he had to pick the allergic one. We're not far, I'm not letting you go without having this checked out, or without filling some form, I don't know." @jeremyxlieberman

[alitwebster]

closed starter for @genhernandez

On a new attempt to be the best version of himself, Ali joined this non-profit a month ago. Truthfully, it maybe have also been a way not to be home much. The reason why didn't matter anyway. He was here to help, just like every other member that volunteered to be a part of the Thanksgiving meal offered to the homeless of East Haven. Ali had been making food for four hours at this point. He'd arrived in the small kitchen of the community center around 1 pm, and started, along other people, by peeling an awful amount of potatoes. Right now, he was filling some bread rolls, rolled up sleeves and everything. It was 5 pm when he got out of the kitchen, tired of the smell of turkeys clogging his nostrils, to go into the large room you would be hosting the dinner. "Want help with the tables ? I'm going to lose my ears from the oven's constant beeping, and my nose is starting to mix pumpkin pie and garlic bread together."

[genhernandez]

Gen had always been conscious of the fact that there were always going to be people in far more dire straits than she could ever be. It was always something she tried to consciously instil in her sons even at their young ages. So when the offer to help out with making dinner for the homeless, Gen leapt at the chance to provide some of the less fortunate with a warm meal and some home comforts even if it lasted a few hours. Once the rush of hunger and festive chaos died down, Gen started clearing out the tables, making sure they were looking good enough to go for a second serving — or three. Leaning back to examine her work, a soft chuckle left her lips as she was joined by a fellow helper in need. " Oh no, that sounds like a deadly combination. Like mashed potato and cranberry sauce " She teased him, holding out a spare dishcloth for him. Everything seemed to be shaping up, it was almost impressive how quickly the room could change, allowing the silence to settle in. " Everyone seemed to enjoy it though, don't you think ? Especially when they deserve it more than most ". @alitwebster

[alitwebster]

"Or chocolate and onion." Ali laughed before getting back to work with you. "They did... I mean, unfortunately, I don't think they'd complain if it was disgusting." Complaining was for the ones who could afford it. However you were both here today because you could afford more, and they couldn't. Ali knew what living modestly was, as he had to do it on his own for several years before he managed to become a Chiro and started making some money. Except not everyone had that chance, so, today, he was happy to be here. Happy to help, but happy to be active in East Haven's community as well. What you were doing today needed to be a collective effort. When the tables were all clean, Ali took two minutes to sit down. "Come, come. Let's enjoy those two minutes of quiet." Ali invited you to sit, lightly tapping on the chair facing him. "Do you smell something weird ?" He asked, sniffing the air just a few seconds after you sat down. He then quickly grew worried. "Is something burning ?"

[alitwebster]

It had been two months. True. However, how long had it been before ? How long had you spent your evenings in the office, getting home when Ali was already two hours into his night's sleep ? How often did you come home late, when it was actually supposed to be date night ? Ali hadn't noticed, because Ali found a new way to not have the impression he was living alone. He didn't think too much of you staying home, no. You could have been working remotely, you could have rearranged your schedule. Ali's mind went on a hunt for excuses, not realising you were home, home. It didn't matter anymore, really. It was too late. When you took your sick leave, Ali was already trying to fill his schedule to the brim, to avoid spending one extra minute in this empty flat. He wasn't part of your daily routine, so why should you be in his ? That was petty, but Ali was tired, and thought the best way to survive this whole thing was mirroring you. Kind of. However, not noticing was his own fault. His mistake. He would realise that, but for now, he was just happy you were here tonight, asking to go with him. It was unexpected, but the thought brought a smile to the man. You know, like these couples in the movies who lost touch and one of them seems determined to reconnect. It felt like that, like something could actually go the right way, for once. Ali wanted to make an effort, but didn't know where to start, so you did. You started. Hopefully, it would last. Being on separate teams felt like dancing with the wrong partners. You were trying to have a moment to yourselves, but each time, someone pulled you in opposite directions. At least for once, it wasn't your doing, but it didn't stop Ali from resenting the fact that you were not going to spend as much time together as he thought. Unfortunately, by extension, he started resenting you. As a consequence, Ali ended up with a drink in his hand before he had the time to find you again. And then a second one. Then a third came and you saw him, before he even saw you. No, he saw you just when you barged in the bathroom, and at this moment, his brain clicked, and filled up with fog. He resented you so much he went on autopilot, although that's no excuse for treating you the way he would in the next few seconds.

« Who do I think I am ? Seriously Andy ? I would love to feel a tiny bit more like your fuckin-‘’

He didn’t have time to continue before you started speaking again. He wanted to shout, to order you to stop talking. He wanted silence. In that moment, he wanted to never see you again if that is how you two would act in the other’s presence.

Weirdly, his silent wish was exhausted, but it didn’t have the effect he was expecting. You left, and the whiplash Ali got from your words still stung his heart so much a tear came rolling down his face. In his mind, two voices screamed at him : anger and sadness. Before any of those two could take over, your partner ran out of the bathroom, shouting your name.

But you were gone.

Like you ve seemed to be for so long now.

However this conversation, if you could call that a conversation, was far from over. Ali didn’t want it to be over. So he quickly said goodbye to Haven and promised he’d be back in the morning to help with all the cleaning. Oh no, you were not escaping. This would be over before sunrise. You would not have this conversation in the morning, however painful it may be.

The ride home helped sobering him up. In the cab he’d called, Ali emptied two bottles of water and ate a packet of peanuts. But nothing truly prepared him for what you had lived a few months back, when your family was in town.

He was met with a dead apartment, like no one was living there. If it wasn’t for the low sound of your body turning in the bed, Ali would have never guessed you were here. Now, the apartment didn’t feel less scary because you were here. On the contrary, anger mixed with fear and prevented him from going any further for a few seconds.

No.

You had to talk. Even if that meant he had to find another place to stay at for the night.

So after looking in your bedroom, Ali went to the guest’s room and opened the door without even trying to be subtle. He knew you weren’t asleep. He knew you enough to know your mind was racing.

« You don’t get to walk out on me like that ! You don’t get to scold me for drinking, when I’ve started to drink with friends because you forget you had a fucking boyfriend ! I came here FOR YOU, I came here BECAUSE OF YOU, I flew across an ocean because you ASKED me to, and now you’re angry because I finally decide that I may finally want a life that’s not just you ? I am not a fucking housemaid ! I am not a sobriety token or a plush toy you get to take wherever you go ! You act like I’m the monster when clearly you were just waiting for something to pin on me ! But guess what ! You finally being home doesn’t mean I’m going back to the months I’ve spent looking at these fucking walls ! Nothing will give me those months back, those months that I spent waiting for you because I felt so alone. You don’t get to shit on me because I have a few drinks once in a while, when the people I drank with helped me during the nights you forgot I even existed !

If you don’t want me being out that much, why don’t’ you start acting like we’re fucking partners eh ?! Pretending like you’re fixing something when clearly you didn’t have the choice to stay home, that’s freaking pathetic. You would have run to that office of yours already if you had the choice between me and Gemini. »

He ran out of breath. Ali was crying, trying to catch a glimpse of you in the dark room. After a few seconds, he went back in the corridor, towards the living room again, and into the kitchen. He needed water.

[aindreisblythe]

Aindreis had been trying to make an effort tonight. It felt like you’d been stucked for so long, frozen in the same position, with your love and relationship slowly being overrun by dust. If nothing changed, something would break, and he couldn’t allow that. He didn’t want to allow that. So he was trying. Halloween seemed like a good enough occasion and he felt rested and sane enough, for once, to actually go out to party and not risk doing something stupid. Because he could’ve asked earlier, of course, but knowing, smelling, seeing how much you were drinking on those outings told him he wasn’t a good enough shape to follow you. This party seemed safe.

He didn’t know, now that he was crying alone in a cold guest bedroom, if he should regret coming. He didn’t regret asking. He saw the smile you’d been trying to hide, and he couldn’t regret that. They were rare enough. But it clearly hadn’t been a success. Would any effort have ended up like this? If you’d been able to stay together, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe. Looking back at the last few months, nothing was less sure. He’d wanted things to go well so bad. He wasn’t asking for much. He never thought this would be the night of all nights that would solve everything, but he at least wanted things to move in the right direction. Now your relationship looked to him like one of those cracked window, ready to burst at any moment in million of pieces.

He knew things weren’t right between the two of you even before this party. He’d have been completely stupid not to see it. But he never thought he’d see this look on your face when you replied in the bathroom. Scorn almost. Contempt. Resentment. And it was the first time he’d thought that things might be over for real. Too far gone and past the point of no return. He couldn’t stay with someone who seemed to hate him like that. Or a mean drunk. He wasn’t sure just yet which was worse.

So yes. He left. He didn’t want to but too many things told him to leave before things went too far. Maybe he should’ve told you, but really? How was he supposed to when he knew it would just end up in a fight and he couldn’t bear to see your face tainted by ugly emotions again. Not tonight. It didn’t feel like escaping. He was fleeing.

He didn’t know what he was hoping for. Yeah, it would’ve sucked if you’d noticed he was gone and not decided to go after him. Or worse, if you didn’t even notice. Like you stopped doing some time ago. But he also didn’t want to face you right now. Not that you were giving him the choice.

He didn’t know what he’d have said if you’d let him speak first but he didn’t have to wonder because you barely let him realise you were here before absolutely stabbing him with your words. Repeatedly. Actually, it might have been less painful if you’d just used your fists. But he couldn’t let you pretend everything was his fault. He threw the covers off of him and followed you to the kitchen, nails digging into his palm. He hated anger. God, did he hate anger.

He looked at you for a second, lips pressed into a fine line and shrugged.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry I was trying not to lose the job we moved oceans for? I’m sorry things aren’t always easy? Do you think I liked not seeing you? I told you. I fucking warned you you’d end up hating me. I told you this wasn’t a good idea and you said it was. You swore. But fuck I was right. I understand I fucked up, okay? But I at least thought you’d try to understand. I’ve been to therapy for this shit. Maybe it wasn’t my choice, yeah. But don’t you dare pretend this was just about me.” He was almost choking on his words. “I know I’m not easy to be with. Fuck, I warned you, didn’t I? Even before this started. I couldn’t fucking bring myself to be a failure at my job, especially because you’d move to be with me. They just realised that this was a two-person job and that’s supposed to be my fault, right? Like everything apparently. Go back if being here is bothering you so fucking much.”

Oh did he mean that? Absolutely not. He was pretty sure it would actually kill him but he was so mad. He wiped the tears from his face, took two breaths.

“I don’t want you to leave but you can’t pretend it’s all my fault. Don’t do that. I gave you a choice. We’d have stayed in Scotland if you’d just say so. Shit… I don’t think you owe me anything. At all. Not taking care of the flat, not being around, nothing. And fuck, especially not sobriety. ‘A fucking sobriety token’? I’d never pinned you as cruel and yet. I have one.” He took it out of his pocket and looked at it. “You know, I don’t care if you drink. I’ve told you that several time. It doesn’t matter, you do you. Hell, you can even pretend it’s not a problem that you were alone for like what an hour and downed what three? Four? Glasses because you were upset. Yep, that’s a totally normal thing to do. But fine, it’s your problem. But I don’t have to be there to witness it.” He looked back up at you, new tears in his eyes. “You used to be what made this easier, you know? Now you’re the thing making wonder if I should give up. You’re making this so much harder. Do you know how many times I’ve thought ‘well he’s doing it, so why can’t I?’.” His lips was trembling because he knew that this could honestly be it. “I know we’ve got issues, I want to work through them. But I can’t if I smell alcohol on you every night. I can’t do it. Do you know how many times I’ve almost… I’ve thought about going to buy a drink in the middle of the night? Or fuck even kissing you in the hopes I could taste it on your lips? I can’t sacrifice myself to be with you. If you’ve had enough, I get it. But I can’t for the life of me keeping thinking I need to leave or I’ll lose myself. I can’t. I love you, but I fucking can’t do that. So if you want to keep your drinks, fine, but I don’t know how much longer I can take it until I do something I’ll regret.”

The anger had run its course and his throat was tight. He went around you to splash some water on his face and grabbed onto the counter. He tried looking at you, but he had to look away, eyes tearing up again. Was this the final blow?

[alitwebster]

Ali didn't have a spectacular kind of love. He wasn't big on movie-like PDA and romantic gestures. He loved quietly, by saying" I love you" when he left for work, by smuggling in bed, by making you your favorite dish. It also meant he loved discreetly, with no effort, and without asking too much. He liked his space, and he liked that you needed yours. He loved how silences had never really been a problem in your relationship.

Ali didn't fall in love with you, per say. In all his discretion and subtlety, Ali first became familiar with your voice again. Then came your smell, which, even tainted with tobacco, he grew to miss. After that, your presence was the last thing he got attached to. That's what he craved the most, surely because it gave him everything else he loved about you.

But then, just when he arrived in East Haven, your presence disappeared, leaving him in a flat, and a city he didn't know. That was fine. He had plenty to do, actually. Finishing up the decorating, emptying up the last boxes. You had left him a huge amount of stuff to do. It should have been their first clue, really, that he had to create a home when you clearly had another one, waiting for you each morning. However Ali built, rearranged, decorated, put away, without blinking an eye. You were busy. Just like you were saying, he knew that before coming here, right ?

After your presence, your smell came away. At least Ali felt like so. He couldn't smell your hair or neck when he fell asleep. He never smelled your failed cooking when he came back from the diner. He didn't smell your favorite soap on you anymore. Instead, Ali smelled his own perfume in the morning, he smelled the diner’s food, and he smelled the cold pillow when falling asleep. Taking back your smell made him feel the most alone. God, he started feeling so lonely, as if you were simply abandoning him.

Day after day, your voice grew scarce. It became voice notes, "sorry I'm late"s on a phone or in a cold ass bed around midnight. 

It then grew silent. Ali couldn't hear your voice anymore. There were no more voice notes, no more hellos, no more apologies. Everything was just so.... silent. If your partner had chosen this silence, like he had so many times during his meditation retreats, then maybe it could have been easier. Now, it was too hard. Silence had a devastating effect on Ali. It didn't matter if you were here or not, the silence had already settled in like a bad infection. When he woke up, you were usually asleep still. Silence. When he got to spend the day home, your interactions got colder and more shy. You were both constantly walking on eggshells, not wanting to make a bomb explode, fearing things would never be the same again. Except that was already the case. Ali kept telling you, things were in such a bad state that you two acted like two angry roommates. He hated that, not being able to talk to you. However, somewhat unconsciously, anger did come in the mix- When Ali noticed you were home during the day, he couldn't think of a sick leave anymore. You were gone for so long, he had grown so used to your absence, surely you weren't here for good. No, anger told him that you had found a way to bring some work home, that you were looking for a way to ease the fights, and that made him resentful. To Ali, you were invading the apartment with worse than a secret love affair. You were disrespectful. And he did not know you to be disrespectful, any more than he knew himself to be

angry and not talk about it.

You could have never predicted it would come out like this, blunted out in the middle of the night, as Ali was sobering up and you were trying to get some rest-Tonight was supposed to be a step towards the night direction. lasted, it was a fiasco.

By the time he was finished talking, Ali was quietly crying, letting silent tears roll down his cheeks. He knew this would only be the beginning of a fight you should have had a long time ago, but he never thought you were this for gone, while ironically being in your own kitchen. 

Ali didn't get to talk for a good five minutes. You were doing exactly what he had done just before and yet he wanted to yell at you to shut up. He hated feeling like this towards you, yet he wanted to yell every time you excused your behavior saying he was warned. God, he hated that excuse even more than he hated being alone.

When you were finally done, the mood had changed. Ali was more sad than he was angry, although the latter emotion lingered somewhere in his mind.

" I know, Andy, that I haven't behaved that romantically these past months, but all your sorry's can't make up for the fact that you have left me alone, all this time. I wanted to come here, with you, I wanted to have a life, here, with you. But we don't. We’ve explored next to nothing together, while we saw many things on our own. I, didn't come here for your work. You did. And somehow along the way, you seem to have forgotten that beside your workload, you took another person here with you. I don’t care that things are hard, I do care however, that you gradually shut me out of that new life of yours, and became all the more angrier when I started doing the same. That is what I hate. That is what I loathe, in fact. You can't excuse all that by saying you 're going to therapy. What the hell ? Good for you, you 're working on yourself, and now what remains of us ? You work at Gemini, on your own. You work on yourself, on your own. Where has that left me, all these months ? Frankly love, I think I could be more cruel. You act as if I am the one making this go wrong, when you've been sabotageing our relationship from the moment I arrived. Don't make me the villain because you have trouble coming to terms with everything that's caused. I don't even know this American city guy you've been pretending to be. Leave if that is what you wish but don't pretend I am making this harder. You're been more than capable of doing this yourself these past months."

As his usual self, Ali was not raising his voice any longer. He was shattered, to tell you these words, to think them. He knew he didn't reply to every word you said, but it was becoming hard to talk without starting to cry again. Ali didn't let you start talking though, and finished his tirade with a few last words. "I don't want to leave, and I do not want you to leave either. I made you the center of my world for a long time, Aindreis, when I should have just put myself. And you should be at the center of yours. May be I am not doing this self care thing correctly, I do not want you to suffer from it, but we can it go on like this." His last words were a whisper. Shameful, Ali started looking at his hands, before deciding on a chair to sit on.