writing my grief

Refuge in Grief 30 Day Writing Workshop to Help Me Navigate Losing My Father to COVID-19

[killedbycorona]

oh I’m fucking sick bro. I’m trying to stop lying when about when I’m in pain and trying to stop my pattern of being vulnerable and then shutting down before I can let anyone take care of me or respond. I think I’m pretending things are better? they are at some points like I’m working really hard on my sleep and and and. my dad isn’t here to help me through it? my dad isn’t here to see anything or do anything or help me breathe because I can’t breathe and I can breathe and it’s good I’m alive but it’s crazy because he stopped being able to breathe without a ventilator and I can’t breathe without my mom or Matt calming me down and I’m trying to be honest about my pain and not pretend it’s not here but I wish my dad was here instead of my pain and I can’t believe I am taking off work to see his stone with his best friend who I really need to call more so I can have a sense that my dad is still alive through stories but he’s not alive. And I’m so fucking tired of my teacher saying everything is victomhood because now I can’t ask for help without thinking I’m playing the victim. shut the fuck up. how could you make a joke that my dad ghosted me? where’s your sovereignty in that? God fuck. This fucking email. I feel insane. I’m trying to see the good in everything still but having this rage underneath makes me feel like a liar when I know rationally I can have conflicting emotions. Fuck dude. This email bro.

global health emergency is all done! went bye bye! and my dad didn’t survive? three years later and everything is getting all “normal” post covid but my dad’s in the fucking ground and the sky? if I am okay during the day, it all crashes down on me at night. I’m sick bro I’m fucking sick I fucking hate this I will never stop being enraged fuck this. He should be here what the fuck

I wish I was in Colorado with everyone who took care of me then and not in New York because these feelings… I feel like I did three years ago. I’m in a moldy basement apartment with a mealtrain and buttered noodles and peas and donations and so many dying orchids. everything in a box. my hair to my belly, long and brown. ptsd bro. everyone visiting in masks and panic attacks. fuck

[aliyawyg20]

Part of me has always wanted to die since I was very little

And it was always to get out of here

Because there wasn’t anything good happening down here for me and I didn’t know it could get better and I didn’t want to or feel like waiting to see that and find that out

Now, while I have excitement to live, a huge part of me still wants to die but not because I’m hopeless or pointless or aimless but because I want to be with you again. I want to die with a purpose, with the goal of seeing you again. I keep having to catch myself when I say “I hope to see you soon” so I don’t scare others. But I do hope to see you soon as in, come back to me. Please. Please come back home to me. I miss you so much. I can’t believe hou died. Now I just want to die so I can be with you again somehow. I just want to be with you again please. I miss you so much. I couldn’t tell why I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was because of Danny. I give him too much power and credit, huh? There are trillions of souls in all the universes and the one I want the most is you, Daddy Podge. There’s no other soul like you, no other body was yours except you, uniquely you. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I want to die to be with him again. I want to die to be with you with you with you with you with you with you with you with you with you with you with you with you again. I want to die to be with you again. I love you so much. I’m sorry I want to die again but I can very fairly blame you for that this time. You would’ve liked the cinnamon pancakes u big dead idiot :(

[aliyawyg20]

Happy Dimple Day to my best friend. It’s days like today where I go to Trader Joe’s and get as much pumpkin spice whatever as I can that I know I’m living for both of us. I bought enough food for the both of us😅 (well… almost… I did have the habit of having you(him) buy food I wouldn’t eat and if we both we eating something, we know the portion ratio was 70:30%)

Grief has been a bitch and a half recently. I’ve missed my dad every day and have been mourning and crying at least once a day; I can’t help it. Sometimes I’m scared no one will care for me the ways he did, so I’M trying to care for myself the way he did and it’s certainly helping. I was so lucky to have his love.

On Dimple Day, which was a celebration of our dimples since we are the only ones in the family to have them, we would get Dai Kichi and Rita’s or Holstein’s or Applegate’s. This is our favorite restaurant and a good meal always has dessert, I think. I appreciate his room and his embracement of my younger self’s idea for celebrating something that made us different, that made of special. My dad, when not dealing with the things that made/make me special, was championing these things and rallying for my success. “Be a florist, be an artist, be a singer, I believe in you, I’m proud of you.” Though this pride in me always came at different moments throughout my life, who else said these things to me with such conviction and excitement? While I struggle with the daunting tasks of living up to these expectations, I also know I don’t have to and he is still so proud of me…

I know my life is going to be so full of “Daddy I did it!” moments especially as I get more clear on my dreams (music, baby!). I’m so excited to make us proud. But for right now, what will make me proud is eating some Trader Joe’s pumpkin shit and getting through the day as best as I can.

Life has been allowing me to experience lots of grief recently and it’s certainly been painful and putting me through the ringer. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m finally /not/ scared of my sadness and other emotions and have been asking for help to cope. But I feel like the rut I’ve been in since June has finally started to lift a little bit more and the fog is clearing lightly each day. Anyways, I do smile and laugh and experience joy. Telling stories about my dad is a painful joy, but I’m not gonna stop. I still talk to him and see him and it’s great being psychic because other psychics see us together, too, and I know it’s real. Anyways, I can talk about him forever and while that truly is what I want to do, I don’t think this platform is the way to do it. Songs and stories with friends will suffice.

If ever you’d like to hear about my dad and feel you can hold a safe container for it, I’m here to tell you all about him, dimples and traditions and all.

Happy Dimple Day to those who wanna celebrate and I’m a really far removed Jew so uhhh happy Kol Nidre? Maybe? Lchaim! 💖💖💖

[aliyawyg20]

every time I hear a heavy Brooklyn accent I immediately miss my dad. CharlieDaWolf on insta is not the best person to trigger this, but it makes me relieved to not have to watch my dad get old? I know I’ll never know what that’s like and my mom doesn’t look like she is aging

but I think there’s a gradual fear and grief that happens through that process whereas mine happened in the course of 2 weeks and then onward. I’d much rather him be here so I can have the moments that matter while he ages, but I have the cards I was dealt. nothing left to do but

play

[aliyawyg20]

Jordan Tassy died today. I told mom two days ago that he would. I told Harris, too. Harris said his oxygen was doing better and I said “so was dad’s”. This killed him in 10 days. Covid Pneumonia just like you. In Mountainside just like you. Intubation just like you. $45k raised in a few days. Sweet guy I think. Will be loved forever. Shitty of Montclair bc they stopped taking recycling and the people who decided to volunteer to do the recycling were predominately Black. incredibly fucked up. I’m sorry Jordan. It feels weird. As a treatment kid, your friends die. Some of your classmates don’t get futures like they talked about and some get futures they’ve always tried having sooner. Ryan the first example, Tinsley the second.

Mom told me today how y’all sued the district and how I was choked in hillside by two kids but I don’t remember who or why. Really fucked up.

Did a healing for Boulder with BPI today. Really sad.

Saw a guy fish and catch a catfish. Watched him take a picture and release the fish back. Really pointless.

Today has been a really fucking weird day. Being home is easier now. Not surprisingly. I napped there in my mask. Idk. I’m chilling but as always, shocked this is my fucking life.

Oh, and *** won’t leave me the actual fuck alone. Fucking walk in being ass. Idk.

It’s not like I don’t remember you, it’s like you’re not gone.

I love you so much but you’re sitting right next to me in your light grey penn state fleece and cap relaxing. It’s ok to have ease. You don’t have to work so hard anymore. I love you. Peace peace world fucking peace. Peace out.

[aliyawyg20]

there was a shooting at king soopers in south Boulder today -the one I steal donuts from.

glad I’m not there bc I can’t handle more trauma but terrified that I will know any of them and feeing very disconnected from a community I am very much apart. Like if there’s a vigil or anything I’d want to be there but I would’ve panicked if I got an emergency text. feels like insane timing and I found out five minutes before seeing my mom which just made that feel crazy.

I hate America and how it’s not “I pray this doesn’t happen to me” it’s “I prepare because one day it very well could”

[aliyawyg20]

on board. Gtg I love you dad

Have a safe flight I love you

[aliyawyg20]

“A difficult life is not less

worth living than a gentle one.

Joy is simply easier to carry

than sorrow. And your heart

could lift a city from how long

you’ve spent holding what’s been

nearly impossible to hold.

This world needs those

who know how to do that.

Those who could find a tunnel

that has no light at the end of it,

and hold it up like a telescope

to know the darkness

also contains truths that could

bring the light to its knees.

Grief astronomer, adjust the lens,

look close, tell us what you see.”

-Andrea Gibson

autocorrected to Andrew. Isn’t that fun (their alter anyways)

[aliyawyg20]

mental panic moment of driving by Rita’s at night and he’s not there FUCK

So much fear for my home trip gotta heal it tomorrow in Tm clinic fuck that’s a lot of fear feeling flash

[aliyawyg20]

Need more info but I want to go home this month. probs vax there using passport. Quar there. Work the fuck out of the energy of nj somehow

[aliyawyg20]

grandma sounded like the witch of the waste and someone in my dream was dressed like the witch

Was wondering why I saw so many “how to notice a stroke” posts

[aliyawyg20]

Every time i take a new class at bpi someone’s life is at risk

Receiving only when I’m down bad

Of course I was happy yesterday and hopeful

Lisa just told me about trusted sitters

[aliyawyg20]

death too tempting the way u threaten my loved ones

[aliyawyg20]

grandma is in the hospital how am I supposed to do this

[aliyawyg20]

I’ve learned ghosting really hurts when you don’t get a goodbye with you best fucking friend and keeping narcissists around doesn’t make me stronger. they got a whole bunch of vaccines now and antibody plasma things that save lives. I’ve had some people in my life get it and treat it like nothing and I don’t know why I don’t flip out at them. people who started by calling the cops (ew) on other people for partying now party and it’s not only lame af but beyond dangerous. I think I’m really fucking resilient and no one would even dare to tell me otherwise -if they do I’d just ask them how it feels to be so wrong about something. I wanna punch god daily. The cat downstairs still visits me and it’s one of the best joys. I channel you a lot. Some people say “he wouldn’t want you to be sad” to which I feel inside “yes, and I would yell at him to let me feel my feelings and we would go from there” lol. it’s often making sure I eat because we both know that’s the first thing I drop when things are bad. like I don’t deserve food or it’s too expensive and I’m not worth the money. but to the same degree, I’m only worth receiving love and support when I’m down really badly. ya see how warped my brain is? thanks for visiting in my dreams every so often. it’s not the same, but it’s not nothing. the other psychic students can still see you and one time one of them held space for us to hug while I was channeling a different Brooklyn Italian Jew (his name’s David, you’d shmooze for hours). I think of you a lot and miss hugs so badly but miss yours the most because I would always hug you longer than the last time. Mom didn’t even get to hug you goodbye. You survived 9/11 but this shit got you, huh. I’m not mad at you though. You did have two false negative tests so everything’s either faulty or someone’s fault. My friends are really good to me (they’re all discovering what it means to be depressed and it hurts a lot to see and I often forget to express that I love them because I think I’m doing the worst and it’s their job to help me -I don’t think this is entirely wrong though and it’s kinda ok. I’ve had a “really tough year”). I watch the happy fits livestreams nearly weekly. I’m in school 3 or 4 times a week. Started a new program, ignored some potential clients who want me to talk to their dead loved ones (lol no, I have so fucking many of my own). My hair makes me really happy. I want to start playing music with people more than anything. There’s so much I have to learn but I fucking want to already. I have 16 songs (maybe 3 if you want the ones that are actually good). I put my headphones on and it’s just me and you driving through the tristate area and nothing can hurt me (bc we aren’t actually on the nj turnpike). I miss you. I love you. I hope grandma and grandpa and hutchy are happier to have you back than sadder to be with you. I can’t believe you’re gone and it still doesn’t feel like you are. So if there’s any chance you’re still here, please come home soon please. There are so many papers to sign and mom is trying to run the business and Harris idk. I hope you’re helping them, too. I wish we didn’t have to do this without you. So when you can, please come back and send me a penn state forum, tell me a bad joke and ask me what I’m not eating in the fridge and what we can throw away. I love you, Daddy (I fucking hate the word daddy used in sexual ways -yall make grieving really fucking weird). I can’t say “see you soon” but I wish I could. I’ll see you again whenever I do (kinda hoping not too soon, kinda unsure how the global warming thing will go so we’ll see). I love you forever. Stop turning off the lights.

[aliyawyg20]

text to Megan:

scared for the same reason. I know everything I know about what happened last year and so it’ll be all the anniversaries which are scary. I can already feel my body getting intense the way it was leading up to everything last year so I’m scared of all that pain again. gotta face it tho. AOC said she functioned fine after her dad died but dealt with it by not dealing with it and that lasted ten years for her so I’ll have to deal with it in some form again I guess. So I’m just scared to go there again bc I had a lot of episodes during that time and I don’t ever want to feel that dark again but I might so idk baby steps. but literally that of “I can’t believe this is my life and this is my fucked up story and this is who I am like how the actual FUCK did all this happen” yanno

[aliyawyg20]

him // home