It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder

This is my blog. These are my emotions spilling out. This is how I really feel.

[all-bottled-up]

I know we haven't talked in a while, but dammit, you need to pull through this. I'm not ready to lose my little brother.

[all-bottled-up]

**You guys showed up at my job one day. I wasn't aware you were coming, and you didn't tell me you were, and you definitely didn't tell her I worked there. You came to find me in the bakery, I saw you guys coming, but she went to her department before she saw me. You said you guys moved up here, and you were able to transfer and you got into my department so you would be able to see me without her stopping you. I was told to show you around, but then the department manager sent us to a smaller store to go get something. We went to go to my car, but we ended up in a shopping center next to our job. Part of it was where our store used to be, and it was vacant. We still had access to it tho, so we cut through it since it was quicker. When were were out of sight, you took my hand, and said you set this up. I was confused, but you said you set it up that we could leave so we could have a day together without her around. As we were walking outside, you were holding my hand, then you stopped us. I was stairing at you, puzzled on why you stopped, but then you took my chin and kissed me. As we were making out, you slid something on my finger. I looked down and it was a beautiful ring. You said you were leaving her that night, and asked if we could spend the rest of our lives together.** Fuck you dreams.

[all-bottled-up]

For the record, you'll never truly get take him away from me. How do I know? Because he still finds ways to talk to me behind your back. I know our past scares you, and it should.

[all-bottled-up]

I have you wrapped so tight around my finger. The slightest move has you coming back for more. I like it.

[all-bottled-up]

I know one day you'll probably see all of this. You may think it's weird or crazy. You may not. I'll never know till you see for yourself. And honestly, I don't care.

[all-bottled-up]

**It was Valentine’s Day. We all lived in the same general area. He had just got done giving me my gifts and we were headed back to my house when I got a call from her. I was confused, but answered. She said she wanted to give you the best gift she ever could, and ask if we all wanted to go on a double date dinner. I said that it would be fun and agreed. Later that night, he ended up getting really sick before we had to go out, but he told me to enjoy myself. I heard the doorbell ring and it was just you. “You’re alone?” I asked. “Yeah why wouldn’t I be?” “She said you had something for me.” you said. “She said she wanted all of us to go out for dinner.” “Well is he coming?” “He’s sick” I said. “Well fuck it, let’s not waist the rest of our night alone. And by the way, that necklace still looks fantastic on you.”

Fuck the fact the my brain knows how to rip my heart out in my sleep.

[all-bottled-up]

It took 8 years for the tension between us to end. Sadly, I want more.

[all-bottled-up]

**It was my birthday. Things had been going pretty smooth in my new career. Money was good, seeing the country and world was amazing. You were on a tour with me and he had pulled into a rest stop to sleep for the night. I had left the bus for some reason and when I got back on, you were sitting at the computer desk in your boxer and I could tell you had a raging hard on. I was in one of my signature outfits still from earlier, a vintage style leopard print set with thigh highs as black heels. You were staring at me and I looked at you puzzled. "Come here" you said, more seductively than you probably should have. I walked over to you, then you grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into you. "You know, I should've never doubted you with this" you said, and then to started kissing me. "Bring that sexy body over here, I love it, I love you, I always have" you whispered in my ear as you pulled you me on top of you.** Fucked up dreams are fucked up.

[all-bottled-up]

This is the second night in a row that I've seen you in my sleep. I don't mind. I miss you.

[all-bottled-up]

**I went to visit you at work. When I got there, you said you had something for me, then pulled out a small plastic car rim on a chain and said it reminded you of when we had to look for my hubcap every time it popped off my car. It was at that moment that after all these years, I knew you still cared.** Sometimes I wonder.

[all-bottled-up]

I would kill to see Hinder live

[all-bottled-up]

I shouldn't still love you. But I do. And it kills me. Why does it happen like this?

[all-bottled-up]

**There I was. At your front door. Bags in my hand and a set goal. I wasn't leaving without you. I didn't care how hard it would be or how much convincing it would take. I was going to be yours again. I knocked and she answered. Of course she was shocked, but nonetheless let me in since I had traveled all that way. She said you were at work but would be home soon. So I waited. You got home and soon after she left for work. "Why are you here?" you asked. "I need to tell you something. If I don't. It's gonna haunt me the rest of my life." I explained "And what's that?" "You see. I can't do this with him. I'm not happy. We fight over nothing. And honestly, I'm still head over heals in love with you. I want to do this life with you. You've told me before you still love me. So please, don't make me go home alone." You were very shocked and confused. You sat there quietly for a but, just thinking. You asked what time it was. After I told you, you grabbed a few bags, packed up and grabbed your keys. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Not letting you go home alone." you said to me as you grabbed my face and kissed me hard. "I will be yours till the day I die. Now let's go."** Brain, stop playing with my fucking heart.

[all-bottled-up]

I hate seeing you in my sleep. It happens why more than it should. I’ll never understand why you still give me butterflies. Or why you still make me nervous. Why when I see you I just want to take you and kiss you and never let you go. You make me feel like I’m 16 again. I love how you look over me and just stare with a smile on your face when she’s not looking and how you think I don’t notice. I notice. Because I’m staring right back at you while he’s not looking.

[all-bottled-up]

I don't think I'll ever understand why I don't feel bad about what I did. Usually things like this eat away at me. This time. Not so much. I need to think a lot of stuff over.

[all-bottled-up]

I don't know how I let this happen. It was so unexpected. I don't even realize it happened or how fast it happened. This is bad.

[all-bottled-up]

**You had come out to visit for a while. You were older, able to drive on your own and such. You wanted to hang out one night. You picked me up and we went driving on back roads. We finally pulled off into a field and just sat and talked. "Sangria" had just come in the radio and you grabbed my hand and started pulling me close while blushing. You started to kiss me and I could feel you getting hard. After making out for a bit I finally climbed on top of you** Cliffhanger dreams suck.