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@allenvelopedinsilence
Me after every meal ever
I struggle with consciously eating and crave to be skinny!!
I want to be skinny as hell. I'm tired if being called fat. I want to stop eating like nothing at all!
When one of your illnesses has been quiet for a while then it suddenly pops back up again
“I think something people need to understand is that others disliking you is not a bad thing. When you are embodying your true, authentic self, it creates fear in people who still operate from the ego. If you want to grow, heal, and evolve you have to let go of wanting to be liked.”
— Audrey Kitching
"I don’t know what living a
balanced life feels like
when I am sad I don’t cry I pour
when I am happy I don’t smile i glow
when I am angry I don’t yell I burn
the good thing about feeling in extremes is
when I love I give them wings
but perhaps that isn’t such a good thing
cause they always tend to leave
and you should see me when my heart is broken
I don’t grieve I shatter"
Milk and Honey
Dissociation
the alarm sends shockwaves through your body. you shake
you groan and lie there
staring at the ceiling, focusing in at the knick on the wall
slowly, you fade into a fuzzy abyss of nothingness
no thoughts
head empty
15 minutes have passed
are those butterflies? or are those flies?
you float past the mirror and you stop
you’re lost but the water is still running and you watch the water gush out onto the hands in front of you
are those your hands? are they yours?
do you even have hands?
are you YOU?
what even is YOU?
you look back in the mirror, unsure of what to do with the being staring back at you
what is that? Who even is that?
you float back to wherever it is
to start your day
throughout the day, people react to the figure you see in front of the mirror and you have no choice but to act as if you and the figure are one.
at the end of the day
you float to your room
shut the door gently
and start all over again
So fucking what.
Daydreaming: Maladaptive VS Immersive
Note: I am not a health/psychology professional by any means; this is simply a list I've put together from my own understanding and experiences on the topic, based upon various readings/research I found online. I hope it may be helpful/informative to read regardless, feel free to add on or correct this!
Maladaptive Daydreaming:
Excessive daydreaming; becoming absorbed in and fixated on daydream events, scenes, characters, or worlds.
Used as a form of escapism, often to avoid dealing with real-life situations (traumatic, unpleasant, or otherwise).
More interested and/or focused on the daydream/inner world than the real world, or on daydream relationships rather than real-life ones.
Difficulty or inability to stop daydreaming, even when real-life tasks need to be done.
An excessive/large amount of time is spent daydreaming, instead of being fully present in real-life events.
A desire to be like the idealized, daydream version of themself or their characters (/feeling inadequate with self in reality).
May feel a loss of control over daydreams, or when/where daydreaming occurs.
Some describe maladaptive daydreaming as an "addiction to daydreaming".
Many feel embarrassed or ashamed of (the extent of) their daydreaming.
Some individuals experience maladaptive daydreaming as a form of dissociation.
Often occurs in individuals with ADHD, depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and those who have experienced significant stress, abuse, and/or trauma.
Though the daydreams themselves may be enjoyable/pleasant/comforting, the lack of control and difficulty focusing on reality causes distress to the daydreamer.
If this daydreaming causes significant impairment in daily life and regular distress to the individual, they may have Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MaDD).
Immersive Daydreaming:
Simillar to maladaptive daydreaming, but instead, is a more positive way of coping.
The individual is present in real-life relationships, and in their own plans for the future.
Able to stop daydreaming when real-life tasks need to be attended to. Has a solid sense of control over their daydreaming.
Uses daydreaming as a healthy coping mechanism for dealing with stress/trauma/illness/conflict etc, rather than using it to avoid these situations.
BOTH Maladaptive and Immersive Daydreamers (May) Experience:
Very vivid, often extensively detailed daydreams. (Can be visual, auditory, or a mixture of sensory events.)
Feeling the emotions or sensations that are happening in the daydream through the body, as if they were really happening.
Strong attachments or connections to daydream characters (often called "paras").
Presence of an inner world(s)/universe(s), where daydream events take place ("paracosm", "dreamverse").
A sense of "autonomy" regarding character interaction, and/or being "influenced" by their characters.
Repetitive physical activity while daydreaming (pacing, tapping, rocking, etc.)
Speaking daydream dialogue aloud, and/or physically emoting facial expressions while daydreaming.
Real life events triggering daydreams (music, and other media are common daydream triggers.)
"You're so creative!", "You've got an overactive imagination."
* Someone can experience both Maladaptive and Immersive Daydreaming within their lifetime/during different times in their lives!
Immersive daydreaming may become maladaptive if it starts getting out of hand (perhaps after a stressful/traumatic event, or the onset of another disorder). Maladaptive daydreaming can be turned into immersive daydreaming (to cope, or to de-stress), with the help of therapy.
(Thank you for reading! đź’Ś)
Characteristics & Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder
Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.
“Always” and “Never” Statements - “Always” and “Never” Statements are declarations containing the words “always” or “never”. They are commonly used but rarely true.
Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.
Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.
Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.
Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a “worst case scenario” and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.
Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.
Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.
“Control-Me” Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or “acting-out” nature.
Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.
Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.
Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can’t seem to break out of it - that’s depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.
Dissociation - Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.
Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.
Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.
Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.
Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.
Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.
Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.
High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.
Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.
Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.
Identity Disturbance - A psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view
Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.
Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.
Learned Helplessness - Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.
Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and one’s own thoughts, words and actions.
Moments of Clarity - Spontaneous periods when a person with a Personality Disorder becomes more objective and tries to make amends.
Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.
Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.
No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options
Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.
Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way.
Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
Projection - The act of attributing one’s own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.
Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
Scapegoating - Singling out an individual or group for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.
Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one’s own self, actions or one’s ethnic or demographic background.
Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or “playing the victim” is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.
Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
Situational Ethics - A philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so.
Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely “good” or completely “bad”.
Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual’s thoughts or feelings.
Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.
Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
Triggering - Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.
Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
Explanation summed up
Looks into mirror, pointing at myself: “what personality are you gonna be today?”
Me to myself: I was thinking let’s change through about 6 depending on who we run into.
Hey Sylvie! Got any advice for mental health or tips on taking care of yourself?
Sylvie: My office is always open and the first session is free, if you ever need to vent or need to get something off your chest don’t be afraid to say something!
Admin - B.P.
(Seriously guys, please message me if you want to vent or talk about shit it’s totally fine :3)
bpd things
money? yeah, you’re gonna spend it all on useless things like excessive amounts of food and clothes in hope of making yourself feel better. then you’ll regret it five minutes later
 you hate yet love everyone and everything. hate. love. hate. love. it’s a never ending, exhausting cycle of intense emotions. there’s no in between
someone doesn’t respond to your message in ten minutes? it’s time to make dramatic assumptions. do they suddenly hate you? are they dead?Â
you’re slightly inconvenienced? it’s time to commit suicide
all your relationships fail and you just can’t seem to figure out why
 you feel like everyone is the same. you see the same pattern over and over again in your relationships and your friends
you feel happy for once? well guess what, in about seven minutes you’ll feel like throwing yourself into traffic because Johnny didn’t want to share his pencil with you
nothing is worse than the overbearing feeling of emptiness that follows you daily and haunts you like a ghost
you’re constantly angry. just the idea of someone breathing in your vicinity is infuriatingÂ
baths? did you mean: self-harm hours?Â
everyone is against you including yourself
who is that in the mirror? is that me? Why do I look like that? I can’t recognize myself
 i’m sorry, what did you say? repeat yourself again. and again. sorry, i didn’t hear you. again. repeat yourself for the fifth time, i wasn’t paying attention i guess
you’re useless unless you’re perfect
therapy? no
 oh, is that a character I relate to? let me obsess over them for the next nine months
 you’re the most evil and horrible person you know, yet simultaneously the most pure and naïve person you know
you feel like the devil when you say no to someone
how about I split on my best friend for the eighth time today for absolutely no reason!
am I abusive? am I like my abusers?
 they said something that seemed weird to me… are they going to leave me? Is this the end? Is this all there is? Should I leave them? Maybe I’ll just disappear
you hardly remember anything from before the age of 10
nothing is real. we’re all going to die. nothing matters.
maybe if I get high I won’t overthink everything!