I’m not a man who shares his heart. I don’t care for emotion but when the sun shines and the waves break and friends laugh and true beauty shows me natural art and joy.
Yet suddenly I felt like writing a love letter. Not of true yearning, instead as a creative exercise, though not without truth and, hopefully, poetry (in form, at least).
I thought to myself, of the women I’ve loved, who should it be about? Each kind, graceful and radiant in their own way, which muse would guide me better?
Then I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funnier if I wrote it about Minecraft instead?”
I fucking love Minecraft more than any other video game, but I lost my account information over a year ago. I have to buy it again and thus my heart was broken.
And so, I wrote this love letter to Minecraft. Then it turned into a poem as written by a guy who doesn’t write poetry. Heh.
--
It never should’ve ended that way.
We were meant to be together.
I lost you when I wandered and lost myself
because I thought I knew better.
I had to move because I wanted more,
I fell in love anew.
Those loves fell apart too soon
because I could never forget before.
We still talked, built and played together, yes,
though it never lasted like it should.
Then we lost touch, those remnants slipped away
and we were lost to each other for good.
But I need you back.
Those walks along the beach, those times we baked cake together,
our dog, our cat: I miss them. Without you, I can’t get better.
I never forget our humble start. First, we cared only to shelter each other.
Then we wanted for more so went and found it, took it and made it better.
We used it again for our own ends, our kilns smelt, our cauldron flowed,
the ore and the smithing never ceased. We engineered kingdoms together.
We founded empires together. We built a home together.
Oh!
How our riches showed!
We should be “us” again.
My hearts can never fill for you.
I eat more now, and I’ve lost some armor,
but the leaves never stop growing
because our trunk is forever amour.
I want you; I need you.
Perhaps you made me work for them,
but you always gave me diamonds.
Are there any more of around then?
Everything evaporated in the fire,
but now we can renew atop obsidian.
We will find the clay together and make new bricks,
if only we respawn again.
Love,
J
Hoo boy, is Harold a mess of a movie. Someone cashed in a ton of valuable Hollywood favors to assemble this valiant but ultimately awful attempt at humor, and should now be ashamed to have been involved in any way.
The extremely dated running joke here is that Harold is a 13 year old boy who acts like an old man. The only stated, visible abnormality about Harold is that he is bald, but he also exhibits other stereotypes of the elderly for no apparent other reason than to match his persona to his hairline. He frequently self-deprecates to his fellow students about having bunions and gets exactly the kind of response one would expect kids to offer that kind of humor: literally nothing at all. No laughter, no smiling, hardly ever any acknowledgement that Harold made a joke each and every time he makes it. It's a strange directorial decision, but the adherence to reality there is spot on.
Expect to be genuinely impressed by how bad the acting is in this movie. Spenser Breslin executes Harold with the kind of skill one would expect from a High School drama drop-out. He half-pipes the uncanny valley between young and old, never convincing that he is either, and the writing is only partly to blame for that. Breslin completely lacks charisma, making Harold endearing only for his defining perseverance. But what really boggles the mind is how many friggin' amazing, credible actors in this movie ALSO seem to be unable to act here.
First, we have a dry cameo by Fred Willard. Then there's Rachel Drach, as "meh" as ever. She displays the best acting performance in the entire movie BY FAR, though this may owe to her lack of screen time. Another SNL alumn, Chris Parnell, plays the jerk coach meant to exemplify how mean everyone is to Harold. This is the perfect role for Parnell and he should've been an easy highlight, but his lines are so terrible that you can almost see on his face his shame in delivering them. His gesturing and delivery are notably flat; this does not make any sense at all as Parnell is a proven, hilarious actor. There are cameos by two comedy legends, Dave Attell and Colin Quinn, each delivering 1 each of the but 2 funny jokes in the entire movie, one being cheap. I genuinely laughed out loud when Harold laments to Quinn about his school life and Quinn responds, "Can't be that bad; you're 13, you're in a titty bar."
But the only other important character in the entire movie besides Harold is Cuba Gooding Jr.'s helpful mentor character, who offers wisdom in the typical coincidentally timely fashion. If Harold is at school and meets a challenge, rest assured Cuba will pop in with a witty metaphor to lighten crushing reality. Here though, we finally get lines written beyond Fox News-narrative levels, many of which are fairly clever, yet once again delivered as though Gooding had never acted before. Now, say what you will of his ability, but he can certainly do better than this. Nonetheless, it's hard not to like janitor Jr.
I've said little of the plot because there is little to say of it; you correctly assembled it in your head when you learned the premise. There are no surprises here: Harold is a young boy with a visual defect, thus he is ridiculed; this is a movie, so Harold perseveres through contrived devices and witty retorts (of which there are almost none, nor are there any clever ploys or hilarious pranks to lead one to believe that Harold will ever do anything in life but lie down and eat kicks).
What really leaves me sore about both Harold the movie and Harold the character is how poorly they understand youth culture. The screenwriters seem entirely out of touch with what kids experience or enjoy. The obvious glaring example would be Harold himself, embodying a dated, cringe-worthy joke that few should appreciate regardless of age. Harold the character holds a mess of qualities that just do not make sense and do not coalesce into a better whole. My favorite example of the movie failing to understand modern culture (or that of 2008), though, is the go-karts. Go-karting is so popular at Harold's school that many kids ride them around campus; the faculty seemingly could care less about what must be skyrocketing landscaping expenses. Harold pressures his mother to get him a go-kart for his birthday believing it will improve his status. But, JOKE'S ON HIM, she gets him a Rascal scooter! AH HA HA HA BECAUSE HE'S OLD GET IT?
In conclusion, of all things, I found myself quite liking the bully character in Harold. He never physically assaulted anyone nor attacked with much more than childish insults. The bully perfectly represents the degree of my animosity for this movie. I don't want to hurt it, but my nature demands I ridicule it for all to see because it's just such a goddamned loser.
Harold earns 9 out 10 stars.
Nuclear Throne’s delightful pixel graphics are colorful and well-animated, and they never obscure gameplay so it’s always easy to see the constant onslaught of danger. Unfortunately, the stages currently feel rather sparse with only 3 or 4 decorative object types in each (cacti, tires, barrels, etc) and the tilesets lack any real detail. Gun fire and explosions sound loud and destructive, especially as they get stronger, and the soundtrack compliments the wasteland wanderer setting. Stylistically, the game oozes desert gunslinger from every pore, which perhaps makes it easier to swallow the dearth of visual flair.
The playable mutants, however, offer notable charm and would fit snugly in Nickelodeon’s Aaahh!!! Real Monsters universe. Take for instance the guitar-strumming bipedal fish, or the walking mound of eyeballs, or how about a wall of muscle or a hungry robot, each equipped with a unique ability such as dodge-rolling, corpse detonation, dual-wielding and even instant invincibility. They all have their own edge and play differently than the rest. Even the strategically unappealing avatars are still fun to play, despite their exceptionally short lifespans.
Complimenting unique avatar abilities is an imaginative suite of mutations gained through experience drops. Mutations award additional attributes, the variety of which goes a long way in extending replayability as well as survivability. For example, you can choose to replenish ammo through kills or even your own missed fire, or both if you survive long enough to be given each option. Other mutations smash enemies around the map with annihilating force, or award additional health, or increase the reflective range of shotgun bullets. It’s important and gratifying to carefully match them to your play style each time.
The in-game arsenal is rather verbose already and includes standard fare such as shotguns and SMG’s at the low end and laser swords, noxious arrows and hyper rifles at the high. Acquiring the best weapons, however, is rarely an easy task. But once you get them, it’s worth it: the sticky grenades demolish huge portions of the map while hyper rifles and Gatling guns tear through waves of enemies like paper. Melee weapons allow you to deflect bullets, giving them some appeal alongside crazier choices like the bazooka. Dual-wield two powerful weapons and you can easily ruin a few giant scorpions' day.
WASD and mouse-aiming allow the necessary degree of speed and accuracy for a game like this, so the controls are dead-on. Later firefights often devolve into seemingly unavoidable bullet-hell, yet many abilities and mutations easily mitigate the chaos. Thankfully, character movement is also fast and responsive meaning you won’t often be overrun by otherwise easily avoided projectiles. When you die, it rarely feels like anyone’s fault but your own.
There is additional pressure in that experience, ammo and health drops must be collected before they disappear, which isn’t easy as walls of bullets meander your way. Ammo and health don’t vacuum towards the player either, making them even more difficult but no less necessary to collect. On top of this, opening a weapon chest after the stage has been cleared awards better prizes, but you also have to reach it without being inhaled by the exit portal, which, depending where the last enemy fell, isn’t always possible. Even after the stage has been cleared, Nuclear Throne always feels like it’s forcing you ahead, never forfeiting that drastic pace.
The engine’s random level generator manages to offer a fair amount of variety in stage layout, but hardly enough to truly satisfy. Stages sometimes force wide-open melees and others progress through tight hallways and rooms packed with foes, yet it feels like more could be going on, such as additional traps or destructible objects. As far as spawning is concerned, it’s rare to be truly screwed from the get-go, but cheap deaths do happen and especially in the 3rd stage. Also, there are bugs: I have crashed repeatedly after defeating the second boss, and elsewhere as well. However, it hardly feels much different from the incessant dying, so the impact, albeit annoying, is relatively reduced.
Vlambeer released Nuclear Throne through Steam’s Greenlight program, and it can also be purchased from the NuclearThrone.com website using Amazon or Paypal. Although the game isn’t a complete product, it plays like one at its price. Really, it’s easy to forgive the minimalist character selection screen and lack of endgame as part of its focused charm. There are more than enough weapons and characters, with the developers promising more on the way. New enemies, abilities and areas have already been implemented in short time via a weekly auto-update, and as a whole there’s certainly already enough fun here to justify $15.
Still, it would be nice to see features extending game time between deaths, like more starting health or larger maps with more enemies. Greater progression and customizability would do the exceptional replayability immense favors. The combination of arsenal, mutations and abilities offers lots of variety already, but the level and monster types recycle after only 4 short tile-sets. The maps then become overloaded with so many foes that only super powered weapons offer any survivability (and even then only a bit). Regardless of whether or not you’re doing well, few mortals can manage a session longer than 10 or 15 minutes. This feels like a damn shame because I’ve recycled enough times to know I want so much more.
Nuclear Throne is an easy “Buy” priced at $15, and the promise of more to come is just tasty gravy on top. Many will love it for many reasons: casual gamers, action lovers and twitch players alike will appreciate the fast-paced, no bullshit gameplay. Fans of Vlambeer’s previous games will also appreciate the cameos from past titles. Keep an eye on Nuclear Throne’s Greenlight transformation and be sure to check out the NuclearThrone.com website for more about the game. For more about the developers, visit Vlambeer.com.
I wrote this parable to vent my frustration with the way Syria is being handled. If I have to explain it, I have failed.
You and three traveling kings stand upon a ridge overlooking Damascus. Twilight shields itself behind the horizon. Nothing is heard in the distance but cries, whips cracking and the occasional bellow when fire and embers spit into the sky. You've only just arrived yet already know the city is being torn asunder. Every passerby has warned you of such.
They say a barbarian has been terrorizing them. They say their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, friends and family fall under his will; by the sword, to starvation, sometimes tortured, often times executed without charge. They even say he has cursed them to die afflicted by the devil's spirits.
The strongest king with whom you stand, hawkish and hardened by conflict, corrupted by its plunders and driven by an overwhelming sense of superiority, clenches and declares that something must be done. The most cautious king disagrees and is not eager to spend his men or gold for the cause. The other king remains silent, nostrils pinched against the wafting rot of flesh, but otherwise only scrutinizing.
The strongest king continues to demand intervention. The cautious king insists on leaving the people to slay the barbarian themselves. The other king begins to ridicule the strongest for his arrogance while implicitly siding with the cautious.
You recall moments of conflict in the past: of the corpses you've seen, many of them by the strongest king's hand; of the times the cautious king diverted you from fortuitous allies, though you had thought not to; and of times when the other king just stood silent, watching.
Your fates have entwined since the journey began. By your combined might, economy, wit and collaboration the ivy of fate has entangled others as well. It appears you've come to another sprig, connected to the past albeit carried by its own branch. You suggest taking a vote.
Meanwhile, another bellow casts cinders across the city, spreading the flame so that it begins to devour everything in sight. Along its feeding breeze, you catch a searing essence that makes your eyes weep.
The other king preemptively decides against direct involvement, exercising his consistent apathy. The cautious king wants to discuss until morning before casting his final lot, and while the strongest king has agreed to postpone the vote, it is clear he intends to act. The cautious king questions the strongest’s motivations, the strongest simply ignores him and the other king offers nothing but pithy interjections. The furious debate distracts so that all lose sight of the city despite the cries, fiery glow and emanating heat.
Most of Damascus is ash when dawn breaks. The strongest king finally agrees that his armies will come only to help extinguish the fire. The cautious king continues to demand that they let it be, but knows he cannot and will not stop the strongest. The other king alternatingly shakes scorpions from his boots, but does not notice that each time he puts one down, another flees into it.
The armies arrive quickly, but are too late. They dig trenches to halt the remaining blaze, but nearly everything inside the city is already lost. Only a few structures stand; even those suffer as they are ransacked for personal gain. By the following day, you and the traveling kings are off to their next destination. Only smoldering ash remains where was once Damascus.
When you reach the next city, you find that a similar fate has befallen it. Yet another argument arises between the kings, each incessantly referencing the lessons of the past. But to you, it seems clear that they are doomed to repeat it.
- Photo by Hashem Rifai http://travel.nationalgeographic.com/travel/traveler-magazine/photo-contest/entries/63781/view/
Bartow High School in Florida Punishes Girl for Practicing Science; Rest of Country Completely Unsurprised
16-year-old Kiera Wilmot conducted a science experiment with toilet cleaner and aluminum foil that caused a minor explosion which did not harm anyone or cause any damage. She did it on her own free time and in the pursuit of knowledge. Normal, well-adjusted, intelligent people would of course commend her for pursuing her own education, but she lives in Florida so that is not what happened. Since she did it on school grounds, the school’s resources officer had her arrested. She will be tried as an adult and has been permanently expelled from school. She must now complete her education through an expulsion program.
Wilmot failed to inform anyone of her experiment and I concede that there was a real potential for harm here that cannot be overlooked, but the absolute reality here is that exactly NOTHING bad happened to anyone, except for Wilmot. Principal Ron Pritchard is quoted as saying, ” “She made a bad choice. Honestly, I don’t think she meant to ever hurt anyone. She wanted to see what would happen [when the chemicals mixed] and was shocked by what it did. Her mother is shocked, too.”
“Anytime a student makes a bad choice it is disappointing to us. Unfortunately, the incident that occurred at Bartow High School yesterday was a serious breach of conduct. In order to maintain a safe and orderly learning environment, we simply must uphold our code of conduct rules. We urge our parents to join us in conveying the message that there are consequences to actions. We will not compromise the safety and security of our students and staff."
This is a severe and unacceptable abuse of our criminal system, and I have zero respect for anyone who supports Bartow High’s criminally unjust decision. This girl did not harm anyone and did not intend to harm anyone, and had she done it on private property she would not have committed any crime. But because our country is afraid of its own shadow these days, and because Florida may very well be the most embarrassing state in the entire country, a poor young girl will suffer and Florida’s judicial system will be weighed down in prosecuting her. Taxpayer money well spent.
We cannot let this young woman be tortured like this. She has absolutely and empirically done nothing worth criminal prosecution for. Below is the a link to the Bartow High School contact form. Please take a moment to send your opinion to the school, but please avoid letting your outrage overtake your reason as cussing at these fools will only make them feel righteous in spite of people who have an actual conscience.
http://www.bartowhighschool.com/Contact%20Us.html
And here’s the contact form for the Polk County School District in Florida:
I will append any additional resources I find to help us rescue this girl from the idiots wasting everyone’s time to harm a child. Shame on you, Bartow High and Polk County School District. You have failed in such a severe manner that I hope someone loses their job over this. I am disgusted.
Finally Some Goddamn Privacy: Internet Bill Aims to Address Privacy Protection
Just about every evolution adheres to the catchphrase “two steps forward, one step back”. While the internet has been perhaps the largest two steps mankind has ever taken, it came with an immense regression in respect to personal privacy. These days, multitrillion dollar corporations will not bat an eye at using your personal data for profit, even if that means selling it to people with unknown or outright amoral interests.
This additional level of accountability, which is really just about the first one, goes a long way in allowing individuals to determine how their data is being used and in turn whether or not that use is acceptable. It’s likely that we’re going to learn a lot of stuff that we don’t want to hear if it passes, and even if it doesn’t, I can practically guarantee that something like it will have to pass eventually, and soon. The people care, regardless of the lies tech giants are constantly feeding us about our apathy regarding privacy. They are making the case that we do not care because, until now, we have not been fighting them, when in reality this is simply an enormous battle to wage against filthy rich companies and less than 1% of the human population can afford to wage it (if any one person can).
Unfortunately, this bill is specific to California which means it will only effect corporations within its boundaries; fortunately, that happens to be quite a few tech companies. Giants like Google, Facebook, and Microsoft have joined a lobby of over 1,000 firms named TechAmerica to oppose this legislation. This same lobby supports CISPA, an evolution of the almost universally loathed SOPA and PIPA acts that will allow the government to wiretap American citizens nigh boundlessly. Essentially, it’s a lobby less concerned about individual rights than getting the government off their nuts so they can make some fucking money. We can all appreciate that, right?
Not surprisingly, the TechAmerica site does not dare to address Right to Know Act in any obvious way. A search of ab-1291 (the bill number) turns up nothing, and the term “Right to Know” splashes only a headline link that says:
Silicon Valley firms claim new California data disclosure bill is “overbroad” (TechAmerica)
Strangely, or perhaps not so at all, clicking this link does not take you to anything related to this bill, but instead to ArsTechnica’s tech policy section, despite that the link says it will take you to Infoition.com instead. There appears to be exactly zero information about this bill or TechAmerica’s opinion of it on this site, except for this one quote found under “overbroad” headline:
"New corporate lobbying from Silicon Valley companies, including Facebook and Google, has successfully postponed a committee hearing for a new California state bill: the “Right to Know Act of 2013.” Read More " — http://www.techamerica.org/?s=%22right+to+know%22
They sure seem proud of themselves, and strangely keen on referring to themselves in the third person. Of course, it is also strange that you cannot actually read more and are instead redirected to a site of little relevance to the link.
I will be doing my best to collect additional information about this bill to make it easier for interested activists to contact their representatives and push this bill forward (or back, if you so please; it’s a free country). This kind of legislation promises to usher in a future where corporations are not allowed to do what they want because it makes them some money, an all to common problem in today’s society, especially in America.
Check in later for more info and additional news about the Right to Know Act of 2013.To read the article that informed me of this bill, please visit Time.com
Below is a full excerpt from Assembly Bill 1291, The Right to Know Act of 2013:
"Amended IN Assembly April 01, 2013 CALIFORNIA LEGISLATURE— 2013–2014 REGULAR SESSION Assembly Bill No. 1291 Introduced by Assembly Member Lowenthal (Coauthor(s): Assembly Member Chau, Rendon) February 22, 2013 An act to repeal and add Section 1798.83 to the Civil Code, relating to privacy. LEGISLATIVE COUNSEL’S DIGEST AB 1291, as amended, Lowenthal. Privacy: Right to Know Act of 2013: disclosure of a customer’s personal information. (1) Existing law requires a business to ensure the privacy of a customer’s personal information, as defined, contained in records by destroying, or arranging for the destruction of, the records, as specified. Any customer injured by a business’ violation of these provisions is entitled to recover damages, obtain injunctive relief, or seek other remedies. This bill would create the Right to Know Act of 2013, would repeal and reorganize certain provisions of existing law, and would provide legislative findings in support thereof. (2) Existing law also requires a business that collects customer information for marketing purposes and that discloses a customer’s personal information to a 3rd party for direct marketing purposes, to provide the customer with whom it had a business relationship, as defined, within 30 days after the customer’s request, as specified, in writing or by e-mail, the names and addresses of the recipients of that information and specified details regarding the information disclosed, except as specified. Existing law requires a business subject to these provisions to provide an address, electronic address, or toll-free telephone or facsimile number that a customer may use to deliver requests for copies of his or her personal information. This bill would instead require any business that has retains a customer’s personal information, as defined, or discloses that information to a 3rd party, to provide at no charge, within 30 days of the customer’s specified request, a copy of that information to the customer as well as the names and contact information for all 3rd parties with which the business has shared the information during the previous 12 months, regardless of any business relationship with the customer. This bill would require that a business subject to these provisions choose one of several specified options to provide the customer with a designated address for use in making a request for copies of information under these provisions. (3) Existing law also requires a business that is required to comply with these provisions to provide information to customers regarding its privacy policy and to provide a designated means of preventing disclosure of personal information. This bill would require a business that is required to comply with these provisions to provide specified notice to the customer of its privacy policies. (4) Existing law provides that a customer who sustains injury as a result of a violation of these provisions is entitled to specified remedies, including civil penalties. This bill would also provide that a violation of these provisions is deemed to constitute an injury to the customer for purposes of seeking remedies available under law. Digest Key Vote: MAJORITY Appropriation: NO Fiscal Committee: NO Local Program: NO Bill Text The people of the State of California do enact as follows: SECTION 1. This act shall be known and may be cited as the Right to Know Act of 2013. SEC. 2. The Legislature hereby finds and declares all of the following: (a) The right to privacy is a personal and fundamental right protected by Section 1 of Article I of the California Constitution and by the United States Constitution. All individuals have a right of privacy in information pertaining to them. (b) This state has previously recognized the importance of providing Californians with transparency about how their personal information has been shared by businesses by enacting Section 1798.83 of the Civil Code into law in 2003 and finding and declaring the following: “For free market forces to have a role in shaping the privacy practices of California businesses and for ‘opt-in’ and ‘opt-out’ remedies to be effective, Californians must be more than vaguely informed that a business might share personal information with third parties. Consumers must, for these reasons and pursuant to Section 1 of Article 1 of the California Constitution, be better informed about what kinds of personal information are purchased by businesses for direct marketing purposes. With these specifics, consumers can knowledgeably choose to opt-in or opt-out or choose among businesses that disclose information to third parties for direct marketing purposes on the basis of how protective the business is of consumers’ privacy.” (c) Since Section 1798.83 of the Civil Code was first enacted in 2003, technology has advanced exponentially and business practices have changed dramatically. (d) Businesses are now collecting types of personal information not included in the original law and sharing and selling it in ways not contemplated or properly covered by the current law. (e) Some Web sites are installing up to 100 tracking tools when consumers visit Web pages and sending very personal information such as age, gender, race, income, health concerns, and recent purchases to third-party advertising and marketing companies. (f) Third-party data broker companies are buying, selling, and trading personal information obtained from mobile phones, financial institutions, social media sites, and other online and brick and mortar companies. (g) Some mobile applications are sharing personal information, such as location information, unique phone identification numbers, and age, gender, and other personal details with third-party companies. (h) Californians need to know the ways that their personal information is being collected by companies and then shared or sold to third parties in order to properly protect their privacy, personal safety, and financial security. SECTION 1.SEC. 3. Section 1798.83 of the Civil Code is repealed. SEC. 2.SEC. 4. Section 1798.83 is added to the Civil Code, to read: 1798.83. (a) (1) A business that has retains a customer’s personal information shall make available to the customer free of charge access to, or copies of, all of the customer’s personal information held retained by the business. (2) A business that has discloses a customer’s personal information and discloses that personal information to a third party shall make the following information available to the customer free of charge: (A) All categories of the customer’s personal information that was were disclosed, including the categories set forth in paragraph (1) of subdivision (e) (d). (B) The names and contact information of all of the third parties that received the customer’s personal information from the business, including the third party’s designated request address or addresses if available. (b) A business required to comply with subdivision (a) shall make the required information available by one or more of the following means: (1) By providing a designated request address and, upon receipt of a request under this section to the designated request address, providing the customer within 30 days with the required information for all disclosures occurring in the prior 12 months, provided that: (A) If the business has an online privacy policy, that policy includes a description of a customer’s rights pursuant to this section accompanied by one or more designated request addresses. A business with multiple online privacy policies must include a description this information in the policy of each product or service that collects personal information that may be disclosed to a third party. (B) The business ensures that all persons responsible for handling customer inquiries about the business’ privacy practices or the business’ compliance with this section are informed of all designated request addresses. (C) The business provides information pertaining to the specific customer if that information is reasonably available to the business, and provides information in standardized format if information pertaining to the specific customer is not reasonably available. (2) For information required to be provided by paragraph (2) of subdivision (a), by providing the customer with notice including the required information prior to or immediately following a disclosure. (3) By providing the customer the disclosure required by Section 6803 of Title 15 of the United States Code, but only if the disclosure also complies with this section. (c) (1) A business is not obligated to provide more than one notice under paragraph (2) of subdivision (b) to the same customer in a 12-month period about the disclosure of the same personal information to the same third party and is not obligated under paragraph (1) of subdivision (b) to respond to a request by the same customer more than once within a given 12-month period. (2) A business is not obligated to provide information to the customer pursuant to subdivision (a) if the business cannot reasonably verify that the individual making the request is the customer. (d)A violation of this section by a business subject to these provisions is deemed to constitute an injury to a customer. (e) (d) For purposes of this section, the following terms have the following meanings: (1) “Categories of personal information” includes, but is not limited to, the following: (A) Identity information including, but not limited to, real name, alias, nickname, and user name. (B) Address information, including, but not limited to, postal address or e-mail. (C) Telephone number. (D) Account name. (E) Social security number or other government-issued identification number, including, but not limited to, social security number, driver’s license number, identification card number, and passport number. (F) Birthdate or age. (G) Physical characteristic information, including, but not limited to, height and weight. (H) Sexual information, including, but not limited to, sexual orientation, sex, gender status, gender identity, and gender expression. (I) Race or ethnicity. (J) Religious affiliation or activity. (K) Political affiliation or activity. (L) Professional or employment-related information. (M) Educational information. (N) Medical information, including, but not limited to, medical conditions or drugs, therapies, mental health, or medical products or equipment used. (O) Financial information, including, but not limited to, credit, debit, or account numbers, account balances, payment history, or information related to assets, liabilities, or general creditworthiness. (P) Commercial information, including, but not limited to, records of property, products or services provided, obtained, or considered, or other purchasing or consuming histories or tendencies. (Q) Location information. (R) Internet or mobile activity information, including, but not limited to, Internet Protocol addresses or information concerning the access or use of any Internet or mobile-based site or service. (S) Content, including text, photographs, audio or video recordings, or other material generated by or provided by the customer. (T) Any of the above categories of information as they pertain to the children of the customer. (2) (A) “Customer” means an individual who is a resident of California who provides personal information to a business, with or without an exchange of consideration, in the course of purchasing, viewing, accessing, renting, leasing, or otherwise using real or personal property, or any interest therein, or obtaining a product or service from the business including advertising or any other content. (B) An individual is also the customer of a business if that business obtained the personal information of that individual from any other business. (3) “Designated request address” means a mailing address, e-mail address, Web page, toll-free telephone number, or other applicable contact information, whereby customers may request or obtain the information required to be provided under subdivision (a). (4) (A) “Disclose” means to disclose, release, share, transfer, disseminate, make available, or otherwise communicate orally, in writing, or by electronic or any other means to any third party as defined in this section. (B) “Disclose” does not include: (i) Disclosure of personal information by a business to a third party pursuant to a written contract authorizing the third party to utilize the personal information to perform services on behalf of the business, including maintaining or servicing accounts, providing customer service, processing or fulfilling orders and transactions, verifying customer information, processing payments, providing financing, or similar services, but only if (I) the contract prohibits the third party from using the personal information for any reason other than performing the specified service(s) on behalf of the business and from disclosing any such personal information to additional third parties and (II) the business effectively enforces these prohibitions. (ii) Disclosure of personal information by a business to a third party based on a good-faith belief that disclosure is required to comply with applicable law, regulation, legal process, or court order. (iii) Disclosure of personal information by a business to a third party that is reasonably necessary to address fraud, security, or technical issues; to protect the disclosing business’s rights or property; or to protect customers or the public from illegal activities as required or permitted by law. (iv) Disclosure of personal information by a business to a third party that is otherwise lawfully available to the general public, provided that the business did not direct the third party to the personal information. (5) “Personal information” means: (A) Any information that identifies or references a particular individual or electronic device, including, but not limited to, a real name, alias, postal address, telephone number, electronic mail address, Internet Protocol address, account name, social security number, driver’s license number, passport number, or any other identifier intended or able to be uniquely associated with a particular individual or device. (B) Any information that relates to or describes an individual, including, but not limited to, any information specifically listed in subdivision (e) of Section 1798.80 of the Civil Code, and including inferences or conclusions drawn from other information, if such information is disclosed in connection with any identifying or referencing information as defined in subparagraph (A) above. (6) (A) “Retains” means to store or otherwise hold information, whether the information is collected or obtained directly from the subject of the information or from any third party. (B) “Retains” does not include information that is stored or otherwise held solely for one or more of the following purposes, so long as the information is deleted as soon as it is no longer needed for those purposes: (i) To perform a service or complete a transaction initiated by or on behalf of the customer, including maintaining or servicing accounts, providing customer service, processing or fulfilling orders and transactions, verifying customer information, processing payments, providing financing, or similar services. (ii) To address fraud, security, or technical issues; to protect the disclosing business’ rights or property; or to protect customers or the public from illegal activities as required or permitted by law. (iii) To comply with applicable law or regulation or with a court order or other legal process where the business has a good-faith belief that the law, regulation, court order, or legal process requires the information to be stored or held. (6) (7) “Third party” or “third parties” means one or more of the following: (A) A business that is a separate legal entity from the business that has disclosed personal information. (B) A business that does not share common ownership or common corporate control with the business that has disclosed personal information. (C) A business that does not share a brand name or common branding with the business that has disclosed personal information such that the affiliate relationship is clear to the customer. (f) (e) The provisions of this section are severable. If any provision of this section or its application is held invalid, that invalidity shall not affect other provisions or applications that can be given effect without the invalid provision or application. (f) A violation of this section constitutes an injury to a customer. A civil action to recover penalties pursuant to Section 1798.84 may be brought by a customer, the Attorney General, a district attorney, a city attorney, or a city prosecutor, in a court of competent jurisdiction." — http://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/billNavClient.xhtml?bill_id=201320140AB1291
A knockout is a brutal yet beautiful thing. Frankly, the terrible reality of a good (bad?) KO cannot suppress that innate human desire to leap out of one’s seat and declare, “You got knocked the FUCK OUT!” But there’s often a valuable lesson to be learned from these experiences; it’s just a lot harder to learn it with substantial brain damage. So we spent some time soaking in our own cackle-induced urine to extract valuable lessons from 6 of the funniest KO videos we could find.
6. How to Handle the World’s Most Embarrassing Knockout
The Knockout:
At UFC 101, legendary Anderson Silva, one of the best mixed martial artists of all time, met former Light Heavyweight Champion Forrest Griffin in the Octagon. Silva had been catching a lot of flack following a string of fairly boring contests so he was hell-bent on sending a clear message to his critics.
The first two minutes of the fight were uneventful and only a captured kick that sent Griffin sprawling foreshadowed what was about to come. Finally, Silva unleashed his first flurry and knocked Griffin down. Silva then dropped his hands and left them that way for most of the fight, goading Griffin to bring it on any time he stepped outside of arm’s length. Griffin continued throwing, whiffing on every swing as Silva expertly dodged them like a pornographic cameraman on the set of a Bang Bros flick, then countered for another knockdown. Silva assaulted Griffin on the ground, stopped, backed off, and let Griffin up, offering what must have been the most confusing helpful hand ever.
Clearly aware that he was outclassed, Griffin pawed at Silva a few more times before moving in with a desperate combination, the same one he’d been throwing all night. Silva practically meandered away from the predictable flurry and unleashed one light, retreating jab that dropped Griffin in an instant. Defeated, Griffin waved Silva away at the 1:40 mark of the first round.
Tradition demands that both contestants give a post-fight interview before leaving the Octagon, but Griffin was so terribly embarrassed that he bolted out of the ring and into the locker room before anyone could stop him. If you hold a seashell to your ear while standing in that arena, you can still hear the gentle ebb and flow of Griffin’s mournful sobbing as he fled the scene.
The Lesson:
Many, many lessons are offered here, such as “don’t get caught in someone’s attempt to prove themselves to others” and “seriously, don’t mess with Anderson Silva.” Should you decide to ignore the latter, the best advice we can offer is to not throw in the towel. Not because it’ll make you look any worse, but because you’ll need it to wipe away the bloodied tears when Silva makes you cry like a bully who just got his ass handed to him by his victim’s sister.
5. Patiently Plump Karate Guy Strikes With Perfect Precision
The Knockout:
There are few things worse than a bully, and few things better than a bully beatdown. In this video, we see two English gentlemen who appear to be arguing over the disgusting baby feces brown trash receptacle nearby. The man in the sleeveless shirt has probably had enough of that eyesore and decides to tell his neighbor so. Chunky Chap’s stoic patience against the sleeveless guy’s aggression is as admirable as it is foreboding. When someone of such stature acts as if they do not fear you, it’s likely because they have no reason to. Maybe they’re hiding a knife, or a gun, or worse yet, karate.
Nothing seems to sway Chunky Chap into action until his turd can is knocked over, at which point he loses his cool. He immediately moves into what can best be described as “I’d Like Another Mountain Dew” kata, which doesn’t seem to intimidate his angrily flailing aggressor. The sleeveless guy makes the mistake of kicking the trash bin one last time and Chunky Chap snaps. With one perfectly timed prod of his meaty appendage, he confidently drops the sleeveless bully.
Unsure of how he got there, the aggressor scoots backwards across the ground and off the property, then stands and simply walks away because, apparently, that’s it: matter settled. Then, in what we believe must be the only perfect visual representation of “closure” ever caught on film, a spectator watching from behind the fence reaches over it, careful not to make the mistake of setting foot on Chunky Chap’s property, and slowly but surely closes the gate. Matter settled.
The Lesson:
It’s hard to decide what the most important takeaway is here. The easy answer is that one shouldn’t attack people who willfully position themselves in such a ridiculous manner before fighting you, but that doesn’t seem right because 99% of the time that’s exactly when you should feel secure in attacking someone. So we guess the lesson here could be that English food is so bad, it even gives inanimate objects that sickly British pallor.
4. Unstoppable Boxer Goes Down Swinging, and Doesn’t Stop
The Knockout:
In 1995, Vincent Pettway defended his IBF Junior Middleweight title against Simon “Mantequilla” Brown. Brown was viewed as one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in boxing at the time while Pettway was considered a reliable but unspectacular boxer. Most saw this as a sure bet for Brown, but they clearly hadn’t traveled into the future and read this article, perhaps because they found online pornography first and masturbated themselves to death.
In the 6th round of the fight, Pettway caught Brown with a gorgeous left hook that shut off Brown’s lights but left the motor running. Brown flopped back onto the mat and immediately began pawing at the air like a newborn kitten. For at least 15 seconds (the video ends prematurely, much like a Cracked editor’s orgasm), Brown continues to throw punches from the supine position despite being entirely concussed. When the ref finishes the 10 count, Brown is still swinging. We would love to know what was going through his mind at that moment, but it was probably just loose bone fragments.
<video>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QW88_eFLSVs
The Lesson:
Not unlike a cockroach, it seems as though destroying a boxer’s head may not be enough to shut down its primal responses. Muscle memory is certainly doing its job here. Should you ever find yourself needing to eradicate a boxer, we suggest napalm. Lot’s of it.
3. Fighter Learns Why Video Games Are a Terrible Way to Learn How to Fight
The Knockout:
Empire Fight League is one of the many institutions that essentially acts as a sieve for MMA hopefuls who don’t have what it takes to make it to the big leagues. Case in point: Dan Lariviere.
Lariviere faced Dan “Bad Intentions” Capony at EFL 4, probably while filled with starry dreams of a bright future in MMA and other misgivings about his talent. Apparently bored with the steady yet rather ineffective exchanges throughout the fight, Lariviere got it into his head to try something risky.
Before we continue, you should know that the floor of a combat ring is typically made of a wooden foundation topped with some kind of arguably softer padding wrapped in canvas. However, the padding is hardly thicker the awful rug on your dining room floor (seriously, it looks like vomit took a dump in your house). Fight fans are probably familiar with the sound emitted when someone suddenly meets hard mat. That definitive crash obviously isn’t the same noise goose-down makes when you flop onto it.
<video>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OzwCX8z3NU
So when Lariviere flung both his legs at Capony only to smash back-of-head first onto the ground, knocking himself out, rest assured that he was not overreacting. He was too busy hemorrhaging internally. Capony, as surprised as anyone else, simply shrugged and walked back to his corner as though he was unsure of what to do with himself at that point. And as someone in the YouTube comments mentions, it also looks like Lariviere gave himself a left cross as he hit the ground, which is just gravy atop the mashed potato that used to be Lariviere’s brain.
The Lesson:
Don’t even try something this crazy unless you are 99% sure it’s going to work and not kill you in the process. Otherwise, someone may film you pissing every last ounce of your martial credibility all over yourself when you lose bladder control.
2. Boy: 0, Log: 1
The Knockout:
Not everyone gets to experience the joy of getting the crap slapped out of them in a professional environment. Sometimes, people ruin their own shit just dicking around on a farm.
Take ol’ Johnny Logloather here (probably not his real name). Lord knows what beef he has with this branch, but damned if he isn’t gonna settle the score by drowning it. “Watch this, bay-bay!”, he demands, and so we ready ourselves. Logloather roars and hurls it into the creek, but, in a moment of beautiful irony, the log spins and manages to catch him in the back of the head, knocking him out cold with a deafening “thunk!” that makes us pee ourselves a little every time we hear it.
<video>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ToFAV63RKA
Johnny’s buddy seems to have mixed feelings about this. He proclaims, “He’s dead, mother fucker!”, yet seems rather entertained by this real possibility. Were Johnny and Camera Joe on bad terms? Was this a conspiracy between Camera Joe and the log to assault Johnny in the least likely way possible? Whatever the case may be, Camera Joe is clearly enjoying the sight of what may be the first illegal knockout between a boy and a branch.
The Lesson:
The lesson here appears to be “keep a camera rolling at all times”, because you never know when your dumbass friend is going to clean his own clock for the enjoyment of over 100,000 viewers.
1. Sexually Assaulting a Mixed Martial Artist is a Bad Idea
The Knockout:
Heath “The Texas Crazy Horse” Herring is not a man to be taken lightly. He competed in both the UFC and Pride FC, a Japanese organization with rules that are considered completely illegal in all 50 states, such as stomping a grounded opponent. But his foe Yoshihiro Nakao, apparently never one to take things seriously, decided to test his luck against the Crazy Horse.
Herring and Nakao were scheduled to battle at K-1’s “Dynamite!!” New Year’s Eve show in 2005. Moments before the fight was to begin, they faced each other for a ritual stare down that quickly went awry. Nakao, possibly enthralled by Herring’s rustic beauty, pushed his face up to Herring’s and then gave him a quick peck on the lips. Ostensibly unamused, Herring punched Nakao right in the kisser and put him on the ground.
<video>
http://youtu.be/HZv9qlu3dJ0?t=5s
Nakao looked like a flashbang had exploded in his face and was unable to recover. Herring was disqualified, but the ruling was later changed to a no contest as both Nakao and Herring were deemed to have committed fouls. Apparently, toying with your opponent’s emotions was illegal in K1.
Afterwards, the cornermen from both sides brawled over the sucker-kiss and had to be broken up by authorities. Nakao would later go on to claim the nickname “Kiss”, making him the most heterosexual entity to use that moniker in all of human history.
The Lesson:
Molesting a mixed martial artist is not a wise way to remain conscious. If you must, try to get permission first. Or, at least, health insurance and a Last Will and Testament made up.
I wrote this Torchlight II guide for GameFAQs. It's not uploaded yet (nor do I know that it ever will be), so here it is. I formatted it in Google Docs but Tumblr decided to pick and choose what would work. I'll fix it up... when I feel like it.
Contact me for permission to use it. No one has permission to copy or share it otherwise. It's here in full so you shouldn't need to steal it anyway.
Introduction
A darkness gathered beneath Torchlight, called Ordrak. 3 heroes gathered to defeat him but even in death, his corrupt heart endured and called out, infesting one of the heroes, the Alchemist.
Ordrak breaks free and defeats the other two heroes, incapacitating you and slaying the Mage in battle. Defeated, the Destroyer escapes, carrying you to safety as Ordrak extinguishes Torchlight.
Walkthrough
Act I, Wake of the Alchemist
Echo Pass
Speak with the Destroyer. He is too wounded to continue and sends you ahead to the Estherian Enclave to warn them of the Alchemist's impending onslaught. Afraid that he may already be there, you dash toward your destination.
Warn the Estherians: Reach the Estherian Enclave and speak to Grand Regent Eldrayn.
As you make your way to the Enclave, you will find dead Vanquishers. Eventually you come across one making his last stand. Save him for loot and coin. There will be many more dead, but you must push on until you reach the Enclave.
At the Enclave, speak to the Grand Regent. You find that you are too late: the Alchemist has already passed through, injuring many and leaving disease in his wake. Commander Vale and the Vanquishers arrived shortly after and pursued the Alchemist as he travels southward, toward the Temple Steppes.
Protect the Guardian
Commander Vale believes the Alchemist may be after the Guardian of Water at the Wellspring Temple. You must go to the temple and defend the Guardian of Water. Make your final preparations and head to The Temple Steppes via The Path of the Honored Dead.
After cutting a path through The Path of the Honored Dead, you arrive at The Temple Steppes. Make your way to the Wellspring Approach and enter the Wellspring Temple.
Make your way down to the final floor of the Temple, the Water Guardian Palace. There you will face General Grell. He will call his minions and attempt to smash you with area-of-effect attacks. If you see him fire up into the ceiling, start running or you will be crushed by falling debris. The biggest risk in this fight is letting Grell and his minions surround you, so keep moving and strike when the area is clear.
Defeat General Grell to save the Water Guardian and Commander Vale then speak to Vale.
The Guardian of Water thanks you for your help. She explains that the Alchemist is trying to siphon Guardian energy and implores you to stop him from attacking other Guardians. She instructs you to head back to the Estherian Enclave to begin planning your next move.
Regroup at the Enclave
Return to the Estherian Enclave and speak with Commander Vale, the Vanquisher.
Trail of the Grand Regent
Commander Vale needs you to intercept the Grand Regent on his way to Watchweald Temple in the Frosted Hills, which you can reach via Crows' Pass. Seek the Grand Regent in the Frosted Hills.
You soon come across Elder Valin, who was traveling with the Grand Regent before they became separated. Unable to reach the Grand Regent, he asks you to collect the Passkey Ember from some slavers and the Latchkey Ember from goblins. With them you may access another route to the Grand Regent located in the Estherian Refuge.
The Ember Keys
Enter the Frosted Hills. The Passkey Ember can be found in the Slavers' Stockade in the Slavers' Camp after killing the champion bandit leaders; don't forget to free the imprisoned slaves, one of whom is a traveling enchanter who will now be available at the Enclave.
The Latchkey Ember can be found in the Emberscratch Mines. A veritable army of goblins stands between you and the key so be prepared to bathe in viscera. You may find up to 3 plungers, which can be used on broken detonators to reveal hidden areas. Eventually, you will face King Pogg; slay him for the Latchkey Ember.
Now that you have both Embers, head to the Estherian Refuge and place them into the shrine, then enter the Watchweald Temple through the portal.
Mission of Mercy
The Nether have infested the WatchWeald Temple. Make your way to the Grand Regent and confront him.
The Grand Regent teleports and unleashes torrents of magic upon you. His minions are a nuisance, but can also be used to quickly fill your charge bar. Dodge whenever a demonic form appears above the Grand Regent to avoid his strongest attacks.
Once he has been dealth with, walk to the boss chest and the Guardian of the Wild will appear as a Nether-Beast before reverting to his normal form (do not stand next to him or you may die from the explosive effect). He will thank you and open a portal back to the Enclave.
Return to the Enclave
Report to Commander Vale at the Estherian Enclave. She arranges transportation to your next destination, Zeryphesh. When you're ready, speak to the Railmaster to continue to the Ossean Wastes.
Optional Quests
The Warbeast Armory
After being instructed to go to the Temple Steppes, a Vanquisher Scout asks you do him a favor along the way. The Sturmbeorn have blacksmiths forging armor for their warbeast and seem to be working from schematics. The Scout wants you to steal the Armor Schematics from the Sturmbeorn.
Travel to the Beast Warrens in the Temple Steppes. You will find the two blacksmiths in one of the Sturmbeorn encampments, guarding a Schematics Trunk. Kill anything in your way and take the Armor Schematics from the Schematics Trunk.
Return to the Estherian Enclave and give the Armor Schematics to the Vanquisher Scout for your reward.
-
The Scroll of Anom-Irek
Along the Path of the Honored Dead, you find a young woman named Miamin who needs your help. She asks you to recover the Scroll of Anom-Irek, which can be found in the Corrupted Crypt.
Defeat the Fallen Guardian and he will drop the Scroll of Anom-Irek. Give it to Miamin outside the Corrupted Crypt to complete the mission.
-
Bring Out Your Dead
In the area known as Skull Hollow, you will find a Shady Character with a proposition for you. In a nearby crypt known as the Bone Gallery is a valuable item known as the Rosamortis, and he wants you to get it for him. But first, you must convince the dead Estherian spirits to release the Ghost Chains that bind the Bone Gallery shut.
Defeat two elite Sturmbeorn necromancers while they work at their altar to free the spirits so that they will remove the chains, and enter the Bone Gallery.
Slay the undead hordes and make your way down to bottom floor. There you will find Mordrox. Slay Mordrox and take the Rosamortis.
Return the Shady Character and give him the Rosamortis to complete the quest. He promises to let you know if he has any work in the future.
-
Little Lost Ones
In Crows' Pass, you come across a woman named Bellethe. Her dear little ones wandered into a cave and her husband Finnas went in after them, but none have returned. She asks you to enter The Widow's Veil and find them. Locate Bellethe's husband Finnas in The Widow's Veil.
Wrestle through the webbed caverns until you find the Winter Widow and slay her. You find Finnas wounded nearby, but he is well enough to get out on his own. Take the little ones back to Bellethe in Crow's Pass for your reward.
-
The Zeraphi Envoy
While wandering through the Frosted Hills, you come across a Zeraphi envoy being assaulted. After decimating the attackers, speak with Lord Taldimut and he will ask for your aid in acquiring the Golden Gear. He asks you to find three components in the Frosted Hills; the Crest of Pools, the Crest of Rivers, and the Crest of Tides.
You will find the crests inside trunks in pagoda structures around the Frosted Hills. Return them to Lord Taldimut. From the crests, he learns that the Golden Gear is in a nearby cave. Head to the Whispering Cave and the entrance will be revealed. Retrieve the Golden Gear from the Whispering Cave and return to the envoy for your prize.
-
Taking Notes
Near the entrance to the Icedeep Caverns, you meet a man named Jadok who believes he has found the Alchemist's lair. He found a journal and wants you to find the other 3 volumes of it in Icedeep Caverns.
On the second floor, you will find the three journals scattered around atop prominent pedestals. You will also find a towering beast known as Chillhoof; collect the journals and kill Chillhoof. Return to Jadok for your reward.
-
Enemies
Echo Pass
Blackfist (marksman, brigand)
Ratlins (archer)
Skeleton (archer, warrior, General, slayer, torso)
Speak with the Guardian of Air. The Alchemist has already come to the Wastes and allied with new villains to attack the Zeraphi of Zeryphesh, but first is heading towards the Forsaken Vaults. You need permission from the Sphinx to gain entry to the Vaults and protect the Guardian of Mana. You will find the Sphinx at the Forsaken Gate.
The Eve of War
Appropriately, the Sphinx has a riddle for you. Essentially, it wants you to bring back Manticore Flesh from the Stygian Aerie before it will let you in. Head to the Aerie.
Once you reach the bottom floor of the Stygian Aerie, you will be attacked by a Manticore. Before you can slay it, its mate will join the party. Defeat them both and take their meat, then return to the Sphinx in the Wastes.
The Sphinx opens the door for you, but not before some cryptic foreshadowing. Enter the Forsaken Vaults and drive ahead.
Artifice of Evil
After cleaning the region free of most of the Ezrohir population, you make your way to the Artificer. This frightening wizard teleports frequently, have multiple knockback attacks, and will use his claw attack to pull you back into range. Agility is the key in this fight so stay mobile and be vigilant in assailing the Artificer, unleashing ranged attacks at every opportunity.
Once you fell the Artificer, return to Zeryphesh and report to the Guardian of Air.
Meet the Djinni
The Artificer had already enslaved the Guardian of Mana and now you must find a way to free him from Ezrohir control, or kill him. The Guardian of Air sends you to the Salt Barrens to speak to Fazeer Shah, a powerful djinn. Prepare your gear and head out to the Barrens.
Once you find Fazeer Shah, speak with him about freeing the Guardian of Mana. He tells you that Ezrek Khan, another genie of lesser power, is responsible, but Fazeer will not help. Unless, of course, you entertain him with a few silly tasks.
The Djinni's First Task
Your first mission is to travel to Sadwa Mesa and recover the Lamp of Wonders from the Tu'tara. Make your way to the mesa and kill anything that gets in your way.
At the Mesa, find the Korari Cave and enter. There you will find Aruk the Cruel and his entourage. Beat the Lamp of Wonders out of him and return to Fazeer Shah.
The Djinni's Next Task
The Shah has another task for you. Enter the portal to the Luminous Arena and do your best to survive.
A large spotlight passes through the map and you must stay within it to avoid take damage and continue progressing the mission. Clear out all the monsters to continue to the end, but don't enter the final portal when you see it. Wait inside the safety of the spotlight until a lever spawns just behind the portal, then use it to unlock a secret path. Collect your prize then use the portal.
The next area is built under your feet as you walk, so make sure you move to every edge of the map to collect all the gear. Many champions and a Manticore spawn here so be careful, but it should be easy enough to make it to the end. Return to the Shah.
The Djinni's Final Task
Now you must face Fazeer Shah's nemesis, Ezrek Khan. Fazeer wants you to steal the Khan's Lam of Marvels. Eager to stop the Alchemist by any means necessary, you enter Fazeer's portal to the Haunted Quarter and prepare to confront Ezrek Khan.
Destroy any Netherim who try to impede your way and enter Jehannum. Here you will face Ezrek Khan.
Ezrek forces you to fight his minions before confronting you himself; they should be no trouble. Ezrek teleports frequently while unloading magical armageddon upon you so pick your battles. Don't just eat a torrent of arcane death and expect to live. He has three phases, between each a wave of lesser minions.
In the second phase, he splits into mirror images; focus on the original one to do real damage. The final phase is an endless onslaught of fire and wizardry, during which you will be constantly knocked back and teleported. Keep moving, keep attacking, keep drinking potions, and you will surely prevail.
Once you're victorious, Fazeer Shah will appear. He tells you that the magic imprisoning the Guardian of Mana has weakened, thus you may now rescue her. Return to Zeryphesh and speak to the Guardian of Air.
Breaking the Siege
The Ezrohir have moved the Guardian of Mana to the Riftkeep in the Salt Barrens. You must go there and free the Guardian. When you reach the Riftkeep, enter the Witherways. You'll have to fight your way through but eventually you'll reach the Siege Guardian.
The Siege Guardian is a terrifying monstrosity, and it doesn't help that two invincible cannons lurch around the map hosing you down with hot laser any time you get too close; avoid those at all costs. To defeat the Siege Guardian, just keep attacking him away from the Siege Turrets. He doesn't do much damage, but he can push you around a little with knockback. Just don't let up and you should be fine.
With the Siege Guardian slain, the Guardian of Mana is free. She opens a portal to Zeryphesh for you; take it and speak to the Guardian of Air.
On to Grunnheim!
The Dark Alchemist is now on his way to Grunnheim, likely in pursuit of the Clockwork Core. Make haste to Grunnheim by speaking with the Railmaster. There is no time to waste.
Optional Quests
A High Value Target
Malik Vosh in Zeryphesh tells you of Commander Muzaffar, who has been captured by the Ezrohir. If he is not reclaimed, they will torture him for information to defeat the Zeraphi. He sends you to the Ossean Wastes to find Muzaffar.
Muzaffar will be found in an Ezrohir Camp. Slaughter the captors and free the Zeraphi soldiers and their commander. Muzaffar thanks you for your aide and asks for another favor.
Tower of the Moon
Commander Muzaffar needs you to find the Ezrohir forward camp. He wants you to check the Tower of the Moon in the Ossean Wastes, so you set out to inspect the area.
In the Tower of the Moon, you find a Ezrohir elder named Juthama Kasam. He summons reinforcements from his sand pit, so end the surge of Ezrohir and kill everyone. Kasam drops a Prison Key; take it to the back of the room and free Duros the Blade. He will allow you to gamble when you return to Zeryphesh.
Before you leave, notice the gongs placed on the walls around the map. Run up to all three and attack them; you will hit the gong and ring it. Once you've hit all three, return to Duros' prison cell and go through the gate behind it, which is now interactive. Pick up the Robotic Arm to begin another quest.
Now, you must return to Muzzaffar. He is glad for your service and rewards you accordingly.
-
One Man's Trash
An ember surveyor named Nerasis idles at his camp in the Ossean Wastes when you cross paths. He needs assistance testing a theory and asks you to take a Spent Ember into Tarroch's Rift. Then he wants you to bring it back for further research. You head out into the Wastes to see what happens.
When you reach the bottom of Tarroch's Rift, place the Spent Ember in the altar. It will summon a warrior known as the Manaforged; take him down. Once he is dead, the ember will return as a Rift Ember. Grab it and take it back to Nerasis in the Ossean Wastes.
Nerasis is pleased with the results of the experiment. No longer in need of the ember, he lets you keep it and thanks you for your service.
-
Embercraft Foreman
A crew of Embercraft drivers has broken down in the Ossean Wastes and needs an Iridian Focus. Ratlins have stolen theirs so they ask you to reclaim it from the Mesa north of their location. You set out to reclaim the stolen goods.
You will find two champion Ratlins; kill them to reclaim the Iridian Focus. Return to the Embercraft crew and give them their goods to finish the quest.
-
The Missing Zeraphi
After slaying the Artificer, a Zeraphi named Jasha notices you're heading out to the Salt Barrens. She asks if you can find her husband Hareph in the Swarm Stacks to the North. You agree and begin your journey.
After some time, you find Hareph alive, with two automated cannons barely holding back the onslaught of skara trying to get at him. He asks you to take some explosives to Swarm Point and search for his missing comrades. You warily take the explosives and make your way to Swarm Point.
At Swarm Point, you meet Hoska, who tells you to use the explosives to destroy select Skara nests then make your way through the Brood Hive and destroy the eggs. Once again, you set out to accomplish your mission.
Shadow of the Skara
Now that you've destroyed the Skara nests, work your way through the Brood Hive. At the end of the Brood Hive is an Encrusted Hulk. Destroy him, but before you take the red portal back to the surface, follow the nearby walls to a secret area full of eggs. There you will find a Giant Egg; destroy it for another Robot Part, Robotic Pipes. Now return to the surface and find Hareph back in Zeryphesh.
As a reward for your service, you may now purchase magic items from Jasha, which should be a great boon as you continue hunting the Alchemist.
-
The Brave Ones
Outside of the Undercurrents in The Empty Quarter is a brave Zeraphi commando named Dilawar. He has discovered Ezrohir infiltrators and needs you to destroy the machinery they've been constructing in the Undercurrents. Your blade sings as it clears the sheathe and you step into the Undercurrents.
Explore the Undercurrents and destroy every Manatoxin Pump that you find. They are hardy machines so clear the area before assaulting them. Once they are all destroyed, return to Dilawar for thanks and gifts.
A Shattered Visage Lies
You meet a dark stranger in the Salt Barrens who calls himself the Faceless King. His grand vision requires access to the Vault of Souls in the Eternal Palace, but to gain access he needs the Royal Masks of ancient lineage. You agree to find them for him; he watches from behind a mask of shadow as you begin your search.
There are a number of pillars around the Salt Barrens with horns nearby. Use the horns to summon the spirits of ancient royalty and take their masks; The Guardian of Wazir, The Guardian of Queens, and The Guardian of Kings must all be slain for their masks. Once you have them, return to the Faceless King.
Secret of the Ezrohir
The Faceless King has fled to the Eternal Palace. Follow him.
You'll have to cut a swathe of death to the end of the Palace, but eventually you will confront the King of Masks. Tear him down, take his possessions, then return to the surface and continue your search for the Alchemist.
-
Robot Parts
After picking up a Robotic Part, you will be given a quest to find the rest of the pieces. There are at least 3; one in the Brood Hive, one behind the cell where the Gambler is imprisoned, but the third...
Once you arrive at the Imperial Camp, speak with Professor Stoker. Once again, you are too late; the Alchemist has already passed through, sealing a Great Door behind him to obstruct pursuers.
Some Assembly Required
There is a way to open the Great Door, but you'll need a Power Source from the Scrapworks. Now would be a good time to clean out your inventory, enchant your equipment, and reset any skills that aren't working out. When you're ready, head for the Scrapworks via The Rotted Path.
When you get there, you find a Vanquisher Captain stuck behind a cave-in. He needs you to acquire Dynamite to clear the way, so head to the Abandoned Sawmill and look for some.
The Cave-in
As you make your way in search of Dynamite, you learn piecemeal why the Sawmill was abandoned. Defeat the culprits and take the Dynamite from a chest near the exit portal, then return to the Vanquisher Captain.
Some Assembly Required
With the cave-in solved, you return to your search for the Power Core. Head into Middenmine and make your way through to the Scrapworks.
Here, you will find Bloatfang, a pestulent atrocity that begs to be mercy-killed. He packs a punch, but for the most part simply charges and attacks. Hold your ground and you'll make short work of this creep. After he's gone, head to the exit portal where you'll find a Automoton Power Source; take it, then head to the Imperial Camp for Professor Stoker.
Unfortunately, it's not quite ready for use. You must first make your way to the Emberworks beyond Rivenskull Pass. Another minor setback, but you carry on.
The Sundered Battlefield
You find an enormous door blocking your way in the Sundered Battlefield. A curious character informs you that you cannot pass unless you reclaim their stolen Crown from Thiss in the Forgotten Halls. Make your way to the Forgotten Halls.
Terrify your way through the Halls until you reach the Bleack Chamber; here you will face Thiss. His acid breath is painful and the constant flow of minions does not help. Make sure your defenses or up or that you keep your distance, maybe have a finger hovering over the potion button because he hits hard. Will your way to victory, then use the portal to get to a chest holding the Goblin Crown. With it in hand, make your way back to the gate.
Enter the Emberworks
At the Emberworks gate, you are allowed passage in exchange for the Crown. A series of dark gates impede your progress through the Emberworks, so find the nearby levers and valves to open them. You will have to fight your way through quite a bit of dwarven machinery.
Eventually you will find the War Titan; be prepared. He packs an enormous punch and casts lightning balls that spew electricity in every direction. His charges can ruin you, but they also put good distance between you in the right situation. Chug health potions and you should do fine. With the War Titan slain, acquire the Power Source you came for and head back to the Imperial Base.
The Power Source
Professor Stoker takes the Power Source and uses it to open the gate. You may now enter the Broken Mines.
Pass Through The Gate
In the Minehead, speak to the Guardian of Mana. The time has come to face the Alchemist before he reaches the Clockwork Core. Make your way to the Broken Mines.
One final thrust to get at the heart of your enemy. You're more than enough to slaughter anything that dares stand in your way so making it to the Dark Alchemist should be little trouble.
The Dark Alchemist casts devastating spells and hits like a telephone pole. Use everything in your arsenal to slay him, especially your buffs and pet spells (don't forget to feed your companion a fish). He attacks in three phases in three different areas. The first phase is pretty standard; beat him down and move on.
The second phase includes flaming geysers that quickly chew away at your health if you don't keep moving. During this phase the Alchemist will use a beam attack that is murderous; as soon as you see it, move back out of range. He also casts area spells that make small circles painful to cross, but these are extremely easy to avoid.
The third phase is brutal. Every element is on display here as chromatic deathfire incinerates everything around you. Move, move, move. The Alchemist will cover the floor with lightning and drench you in poison, all while unloading everything he had before. He teleports like mad, too, but you should be able to take him down with persistence and a good weapon.
Once he has fallen, collect the Heart of Ordrak and make your way to the Clockwork Core. It is there that the final battle with the Netherlord will transpire.
The Netherlord tears through the Core like a force of nature so keep on your toes. His netherbreath coats the floor in dark flames which you need to avoid standing in, or else. His slash attacks have immense range, as do the breath attacks, so moderate range effectively becomes close range; adjust your positioning accordingly. Soon, the first form is defeated.
The Netherlord's shadow form is even more terrible. He has all the attacks from before but stronger, and now he can pull boulders down that not only cause immense damage, but block your movement as well. Be especially wary of getting trapped against the edge of the level. With minions, magic, and falling rocks to avoid, your might will be tested. But keep your wits about you and use everything at your disposal and you will be fine.
With the Netherlord defeated, you may now return to camp confident that the land is safe, for now. Before you go, take the Clockwork Core.
When you return to camp, speak with the Guardian of Mana for a special reward. Your deeds will never be forgotten.
-
Optional Quests
The Blue Boletus
A beastman at the named Sprocket at the Imperial Camp beckons for your aid. He has traveled from afar for a cure to the disease afflicting his two cousins. They need a Blue Boletus from the Fungal Caves nearby. Since you are more physically adept at resolving problems like this, you set out to see what you can do.
Plowing through the fungal creeps of the Fungal Caves leads you to Boletus Rex. Crush him to claim the Blue Boletus. Return to the Imperial Camp to bring Sprocket the news and claim your prize.
-
Heartfire
Sprocket's other cousin Cam wants to repay you for your help. He tells you of Vyrax, a dragon entrapped within Vyrax's Tower which is sealed from entrance. If you can find the key in the Forgotten Halls, you can enter the tower and attempt to claim the legendary Heartfire Stone. You enter the Forgotten Halls keen on finding this key.
Once you have the key, return to Rivenskull Gorge and enter Vyrax's Tower. It's a long way up to Vyrax with myriad beasties swarming you at every step. Beat your way through the horde and when you've tasted enough blood, face Vyrax at the top of the tower.
Initially, you will face his hordes as he rains fiery death around the map, but eventually he'll land. Then he'll continue landing, right on top of you; when he launches into the air, move. Most of his attacks arc across large distances, so you might as well fight toe-to-toe if you can. Otherwise, stay extremely mobile and unleash everything you've got. This is a tough battle, but you will survive to claim Vyrax's Heartfire.
-
Cacklespit's Brew
You may stumble across a Bell in the Blightbogs. If you can find the Bell Stand to pair it with, put them together and ring it to summon Cacklespit. He offers to make you something if you can bring him the Mask of the Murderer, Thorns as Hard as Iron, and the Black Heart of a Coward, all of which can be found in the bogs. You set out in search for the components.
Grom's Arena
You come across a strange altar in the Blightbogs, which opens a portal to the Arena of Slaughter. Inside, speak with Grom and he will let you compete on his bloodstained battleground.
Round 1: Voltaic Archers and Crumbling Footsoldiers.
Final Round: Above + Grom the Murderer. Grom has enormous knockback, so it may help to put your back to a wall if you can survive the beatdown. You will earn the Mask of the Murderer for your success.
Toth the Coward
Toth the Coward rises from his grave when you get near. Kill him and take the Black Heart of a Coward.
Bleakwood
Bleakwood can be found idling about the Blightbogs. Kill him for the Thorns as Hard as Iron.
Now that you have all three items, return to Cacklespit. He gives you your pitiful reward and disappears, leaving you to continue your journey.
Fade's Passage
As thanks for your help, Sprocket's cousin Widget offers to assist in finding Cacklespit. If you can find the spirit Fade in the Sundered Battlefield, he can take you to Cacklespit. Search the Battlefield for Fade's resting place.
Somewhere in the Sundered Battlefield are two altars. Ignite them both to summon Fade. He demands the Skulls of Four Heroes as payment for his assistance. Head out into the field and find fur hero skulls.
Cacklespit's Realm
Look for Graves of a Fallen Warrior to collect these skulls: Mutilated Skull of Baldree, Skull of Russell, Skull of Max, and the Skull of Erich. Return to Fade and exchange them for a ride to Cacklespit's Realm.
Explore the area and destroy every trunk you see, which will grant you access to the Robotic Head.
Make your way to a blue portal which will take you to Cacklespit. Before you go, Fade warns you that she is difficult to harm if her champions are animate. Keep this in mind. She is not hard to defeat, but kill her beasts or she takes reduced damage. Loot her and be on your merry way.
-
The Wraithwring
In the Blightbogs, a young girl named Jessa waits outside the Rotting Crypt. She needs you to discover the fate of her father, bringing her his Locket if he didn't survive. You hope for the best as you enter the Crypt.
You find Jessa's father and he directs you deeper into the dungeon for the Wrathwring, which is in the possession of the Wraith Lord. But to get to him, you must find the Sanguine Gems.
The Locket
You are now searching for Jessa's father's Locket in the Rotting Crypt. Once you get the Sanguine Gems, place them into the altars near the entrance and continue to the Wraith Lord. Slay him when you find him and take the Locket from Jessa's father's corpse, then return to her for your prize.
-
Elemental Oasis
A dwarven statue lies at the end of a long pathway in the Sundered Battlefield. Collect four crystals located randomly around the map to access the Elemental Oasis lying below. You will need the Crystal of Fire, Ice, Electricity, and Poison; once you have them, insert them into the pedestals in front of the dwarf statue.
Throughout the Oasis lurk many powerful elemental spirits. 4 Boss champions await on the lower levels, ripe with prizes to loot should you slay them. Before you exit, you will find Garbahd the Enchanter, who enchants items with unique abilities. I hope you brought extra money because you cannot come back to him again.
-
Enemies
The Rotted Path
Mycon (pygmy, brute)
Fungal Vent
Fungal Spore
Splinter Wraith
Swampwing
The Fungal Caves
Luna Mycon
Deathcap
Myconite
The Blightbogs
Mucous Mound
Blightslug Lasher
Corpsefire (skeleton, wolf, huntsman, warrior)
Werewolf
Swamp Troll
Brackenwitch
Headless (shrieker, axeman)
Armored Bog Shambler
Gaseous Shambler
Fetish
Arena of Slaughter
Crumbling Footsoldier
Voltaic Archer
Armorer Bloatwalker
Flayed One
Sanguine Zombie
Decrepit Chanter
Abandoned Sawmill
Dire Wolf
Corpsefire (werewolf)
Rotting Crypt
Acid Gel
Shield Stalker
Crumbling Archer
Blade Stalker
Middenmine
Troglodyte (grot, hurler, cerebrite)
Rivenskull Gorge
Swampwing
Forest Gargoyle
Armored Bloatwalker
Armored Bog Shambler
Grave Digger
Varkolyn (hunter, whelpling)
Sundered Battlefield
Varkolyn (brute, warlock, hurler)
War Troll
Corpsefire (huntsman)
Rotted Dwarf (shieldbearer)
Dwarven Battle Turret
Forest Blackfang
Rusted Mechanoid
Cacklespit's Realm
Splinter Wraith
Gaseous Shambler
Elemental Oasis
Rock Troll
Forgotten Halls
Spectral (brute, dragonkin)
Noxious Gel
Emberworks
Dwarven Battle Bomb
Cindermage
Vyrax's Tower
Bone Sentry
The Broken Mines
Dwarf (flamekegger, ironguard)
Dwarven Mechanoid
The Alchemist
Netherim (slasher, swarmer, spellbreaker)
Nether-Brute
The Clockwork Core
The Nether Lord
-
The End Game
Now that you've saved the world, you have a few options. Starting a new game with a new character and maybe on a different difficulty is an option. But you have two others that may be more appealing.
First, you can speak to Felicia in the Minehead and start a New Game Plus. Harder monsters, more experience, better loot; 'nuff said.
Second, you can speak to Retto the Mapper instead (also in the Minehead). He sends you to a whole new area called the Mapworks with its own NPCs, as well as a new kind of merchant. Compass the Map Seller sells maps to new areas with awesome loot and more enemies to grind into sweet, sweet experience. Most of the maps feature various quirks such as increased or decreased damage, disabled abilities, and hyper-strong enemies, which gives a nice new flavor to gameplay.
Keep in mind that you cannot use Retto the Mapper until you've beaten the game, so if you start a New Game Plus, you lose access to him until you earn it again. Make sure you're ready before you accept Felicia's offer.
You've completed Torchlight II. Now, it's time to give multiplayer a try. The more, the merrier, eh?
Classes & Pets
Classes
Berserker
Embermage
Engineer
Outlander
Pets
Panther
Bulldog
Cat
Chakawary
Papillon
Ferret
Hawk
Badger
Owl
Wolf
Abilities & Scrolls
Berserker
Hunter
Eviscerate
Howl
Raze
Wolfstrike
Battle Rage
Rupture
Ravage
Blood Hunger
Executioner
Rampage
Tundra
Frost Breath
Stormclaw
Storm Hatchet
Northern Rage
Iceshield
Permafrost
Glacialshatter
Cold Steel Mastery
Shatter Storm
Rage Retaliation
Shadow
Shadow Burst
Wolf Shade
Shadowbind
Savage Rush
Chain Snare
Battle Standard
Wolfpack
Frenzy Mastery
Shred Armor
Red Wolf
Embermage
Inferno
Magma Spear
Magma Mace
Firebombs
Blasting Pillar
Infernal Collapse
Immolation Aura
Firestorm
Charge Mastery
Elemental Attunement
Fire Brand
Frost
Icy Blast
Hailstorm
Frost Phase
Elemental Boon
Frost Wave
Ice Prison
Astral Ally
Staff Mastery
Frozen Pale
Ice Brand
Storm
Prismatic Bolt
Shocking Burst
Thunder Locus
Arc Beam
Death's Bounty
Shockbolts
Shocking Orb
Prismatic Rift
Wand Chaos
Lightning Brand
Engineer
Blitz
Flame Hammer
Seismic Slam
Ember Hammer
Onslaught
Ember Reach
Storm Burst
Emberquake
Heavy Lifting
Supercharge
Coup de Grace
Construction
Healing Bot
Blast Cannon
Spider Mines
Gun Bot
Shock Grenade
Fusillade
Siegebot
Bulwark
Fire and Spark
Charge Domination
Aegis
Shield Bash
Forcefield
Overload
Dynamo Field
Tremor
Fire Bash
Immobilization Copter
Sword and Board
Aegis of Fate
Charge Reconstitution
Outlander
Warfare
Rapid Fire
Rune Vault
Chaos Burst
Cursed Daggers
Vortex Hex
Shattering Glaive
Venomous Hail
Long Range Mastery
Shotgonne Mastery
Akimbo
Lore
Glaive Throw
Tangling Shot
Glaive Sweep
Sandstorm
Bramble Wall
Burning Leap
Flaming Glaives
Dodge Mastery
Poison Burst
Share the Wealth
Sigil
Blade Pact
Shadowshot
Bane Breath
Repulsion Hex
Stone Pact
Shadowmantle
Shadowling Brute
Master of the Elements
Shadowling Ammo
Death Ritual
Scrolls, Equipment, & Items
Scrolls
Fireball I
Mana Cost: 13
Cooldown: 7 seconds
+56-93 fire damage
Advantages: Cheap, causes burning.
Disadvantages: Relatively weak compared to later spells; not worth replacing an ability for.
Treasure Hunter
Always Enabled
3% increase to gold and magic-finding luck
Advantages: Easier to find magic items and gold.
Disadvantages: Has no effect on combat potential.
Equipment
Fists
Damage:
Speed:
Range/Arc:
Advantages
Disadvantages
1H Swords
Damage:
Speed:
Range/Arc:
Advantages
Disadvantages
2H swords
1H Axes
2H Axes
1H Maces
2H Maces
Polearms
Brassbill: "This is the only one of the Brassblades known to have survived the Mana Wars."
Bows
Crossbows
Pistols
Shotgunnes
Cannons
Wands
Staves
Items
Gems
Rift Ember
Armor: Charge rate increased by 5%.
Weapon: 10 mana stolen on hit.
Yellow Basilisk Eye
Armor: +41 electric armor.
Weapon: 5% chance to cast Thunder from target.
Black Basilisk Eye
Armor: +18 mana.
Weapon: 5% chance to cast Chaotic Rift on strike.
Skull of Haskool
Armor: +26 to physical armor.
Weapon: Conveys 5% chance to poison for 5 seconds.
Skull of Erimony
Armor: +10 to vitality.
Weapon: Conveys 80 physical damage over 5 seconds.
The Eye of Gallo
Armor: +10% potion effectiveness.
Weapon: 93 health stolen on hit.
The Eye of Cacklespit
Armor: 1% increase to experience.
Weapon: 9% reduction in fumble chance.
Lucky Coin
Armor: 3% increase in gold.
The Eye of the Dragon
Armor: +1 seconds to burn/freeze/shock/poison.
Weapon: 5% chance to cast Meteor Strike from target.
Potions
Health: Restores health.
Mana: Restores mana.
Rejuvenation: Restores both health and mana.
Sweet-Aide: 243602 health loss over 13.33 minutes.
Fish
Crab Eggs: Transform into crab.
Big Web Fish: Transform into spider.
Large Mouth Bass: Transform into mimic.
Jackal Bass: Transform into jackalbeast.
Bonefish: Transform into torso.
Warsnout: Transform into warbeast.
Tunnel Shark: Transform into molebeast.
Flying Fish: Transform into swampflyer.
Vampiric Spider Egg: Transform into vampire spider.
NPCs
Blacksmith
Sells weapons and armor.
Magic Merchant
Sells spells and gems.
General Goods Vendor
Sells potions and scrolls.
Gambler
Sells unmarked items that may or may not be garbage. Sometimes, they're super-not garbage. It is worth it to drop a few grand on him every once in a while. It will pay off a few times.
Gem Saver
Will separate socketed gems from equipment, but destroys the equipment in the process.
Gem Smasher
Will separate socketed gems from equipment, but destroys the gems in the process.
Transmuter
Allows you to combine items to create other items. For example, 4 uniques can be converted into 1 new unique. This is great for converting weak potions to stronger ones and unappealing gems into different ones, but for the most part, transmuting does not yield a lot of great prizes. But, there's no reason not to convert useless uniques and set items, so get used to wasting them.
Enchanter
Enchants your equipment a limited number of times. Unlike the original Torchlight, it seems that you cannot accidentally remove magic effects. Thank goodness. There are a number of enchanters to be found around the various levels, each offering a unique type of enchanting.
Special Enchanters
Mooritz of the Desert: Enchants with fire (+fire armor or damage).
Fondo the Master: Master enchanter (high stat boosts; worth holding off on enchants for good weapons until you find this guy).
Boris the Stout: Enchants with attribute boosts (+dexterity, +strength).
Vaneez the Poisoner, Farquez the Assassin: Enchants with poison (+poison armor or damage).
{forgot his name}: Enchants with unique abilities. Probably the best enchanter in the game since he can give your items some pretty awesome abilities, including chances to cast spells and movement speed upgrades.
Skill Respec
Allows you to reset the last 3 skill points you spent. That means you cannot reset skills beyond your last three so if you don't like your new ability, reset it immediately.
Map Seller
Sells maps which you use to access special areas once the game is complete. The maps vary in difficulty, price, and effect.
Phase Beast Challenges
Occasionally, you will come across a translucent purple wolf called a Phase Beast. They're easy to kill and when they die they spawn a Phase Portal to a bonus area with special loot. These are the different types of areas that can be generated for a phase portal:
Navigate the Maze: The only time consuming phase beast challenge. You must make it to the end of the area by walking across a body of water along a path that is generated as you walk. You get some loot just for making it to the end, but if you find all 3 mysterious gems and put them into the shrines at the end, you will get even better prizes. Not difficult, but trial and error is required to find the path to every gem.
Enemies: Possessed Ones, Skeletons
Protect the Crystals from the Goblin Hordes: Goblins are assaulting groupings of crystals around the map. The path to each is linear so you never have to protect more than a few at a time, but you can also hurt the crystals yourself, which means area-of-effect attacks (read: just about every offensive move in the game) could possibly work against you. Every crystal you save spawns its own reward chest once the hordes have been cleared.
Slime Battle: Three slime champions, King Slime, Mister Slime, and Doctor Slime, spawn and you must defeat them. They generate a slimy army that can easily overwhelm you, and they distract you from killing the champions. Focus on the named slimes and avoid being surrounded and you will be fine.
Enemies: King Slime, Mister Slime, Doctor Slime, Tar Slimes
Dig for Buried Treasure: Prizes are hidden beneath the dirt but you need shovels to dig them up. You cannot see the digging spots until you kill the pirates around the big chest. There are only a few shovels on the map, but countless spots to dig, many of which give you nothing. Kill enemies, search chests, and inspect every inch of the map until you find all the shovels and choose your digs carefully. Once you run out of shovels, leave.
Defeat the Troll: Defeat the troll.
Tips & Tricks
With the audio on, you can hear your avatar yell warnings about trapped chests.
Almost all bosses have Boss Chests near the exit portal of their area. Make sure you check all immediate corners around exit portals for concealed chests.
Guide & Author Info
Written by Jacob, aka Unfather.
Contact: unfather at gmail.
You're free to share this guide with accreditation, but you may not charge or profit from it (this includes hosting it behind paywalls or offering it as a perk for any kind of paid service). Contact me for additional permissions.
vaporwave
kaledo-art
pixelskylines
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
snowghoul
janainaart
germansingergirl
