transition journal

allie // they/them // 33 T: 12/28/2016, top surgery: 07/18/2019 (Mosser)

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04/17/2026

💉 481, right leg

Friday AM

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adventure hat: acquired

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The end of last month marked four years on t.

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Today I busted out one of the now-neglected button-ups that I bought to wear after top surgery. My 4-yr t anniversary is in a week!

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11/03/2020

💉 200, left leg

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I’ve been exercising and tracking my macros for at least two months (maybe 2.5 months) now. It’s been a lot of work, and I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.

I typically do strength training four times a week (chest/triceps, back/biceps, legs, shoulders) and cardio once or twice a week (30-minute HIIT or a 2-mile run). Abs multiple times a week, but not daily. It’s all body weight and dumbbells (with the occasional kettlebell) because I’m absolutely not comfortable going to a gym right now. I walk almost every evening and try to get between 5k-7k steps daily, which takes intention given that I’m at home all day, every day.

Given my current weight and activity level, I try for ~100g of protein a day, which has been doable with Garden of Life protein powder (Sport line), tofu, Quorn meat substitutes, and a whole lot of non-fat Greek yogurt. I’ve seen muscle growth pretty much everywhere, but it’s especially noticeable in my chest, back, and shoulders.

(3 years and 9 months on t, 1 year and 2 months post-top surgery)

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07/22/2020

I noticed maybe a tiny bit of sensation in my left nip tonight?? Was kind of an unpleasant feeling, but I think it was something.

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09/13/2020

Been happening on the right side as well. Doesn’t feel “normal,” but it’s registering more than just pressure.

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07/22/2020

I noticed maybe a tiny bit of sensation in my left nip tonight?? Was kind of an unpleasant feeling, but I think it was something.

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Also started to notice some tenderness where my left drain was around the same time. I’ve been better about massaging my grafts and scars lately, so I’m wondering if that’s contributing to this tiny bit of new sensation. I’ve also been exercising more than I had been, but I don’t remember ever seeing anything linking exercise with nerve reconnection.

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07/24/2020

I went in for my yearly HRT check-up recently, and one of the values on my liver panel came back high (everything else was fine). Doc wanted me to get that one re-checked, so I went in yesterday. Came back normal. I’m holding steady at 0.2mL/wk.

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07/22/2020

I noticed maybe a tiny bit of sensation in my left nip tonight?? Was kind of an unpleasant feeling, but I think it was something.

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Coming up on one year post-op. There really are no words for how top surgery boosted my self-confidence and improved my mental health.

Time passes so quickly. Recovery was frustrating while I was in the midst of it - couldn’t bike, couldn’t take care of my dog by myself, couldn’t do my job without constantly evaluating how much I was carrying and how far I was reaching. It seems like it was so long ago now.

My relationship with my body is a complicated one, but I don’t wish I had been born differently. I wouldn’t be as in tune with myself otherwise. Being trans is often a struggle, but it’s also a gift. I’m grateful to be here in this body.

*I also understand my privilege, and I recognize that it influences my perspective. I’m white, I’m thin, I have safe access to HRT, and I have a supportive family. I pass as a white cis man when I’m out in public. This offers me a kind of protection that many of my trans siblings do not experience. I don’t take that for granted.

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The angles? They lie. (The hips, however, do not.)

I’d much rather just post the first one, but that would be intentionally misleading. I don’t want any fellow transmasc people to see that first one and think, “Where did their hips go? Why can’t my body look that way?” My hips are there; you just can’t see them when I twist.

I say this because I look at fit transmasc people and compare my body to theirs, wishing I could look like that, too (although I shouldn’t compare, I know). And some transmasc people do have small hips! It comes down to genes. Even if I lose a few pounds, my hips will still be there. My bone structure won’t change.

Anyway, remember that perception can be manipulated in photographs. Your body is a good body.

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Not me obsessing about nutrition and exercise at 4:30 in the morning!

I don’t know if it’s the dysphoria or just good old-fashioned media-fueled body image issues (probably a combination), but this is cyclical. I get really into fitness and worry about food to an extent that’s detrimental to my mental health, then I ease up on the exercise and stop stressing quite so much about my diet, then I get back into fitness and worry about food to an extent that’s detrimental to my mental health, repeat ad infinitum. Started pre-t and continues now. I don’t starve myself, and I’ve never made myself throw up or anything like that, but I don’t have a healthy relationship with food.

Even after top surgery and three and a half years on testosterone, I still struggle to celebrate my body. I am incredibly grateful for the change that I’ve experienced, and I recognize my privilege in being able to medically transition, but I still scrutinize my stomach and my hips and my thighs every time I look at myself. It would break my heart if someone I love told me that they look at themselves they way I look at myself, but I still can’t shake it. I want a loving relationship with my body. I’m not sure how to get there. Right now, it feels like re-evaluating my diet and implementing a disciplined workout regimen. In a few months, it might feel like allowing myself to eat a fucking bowl of cereal without stressing over its nutritional value.

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Nearing one year post-op. Here’s how things are looking now. I’ve been using ScarAway (strips and then gel) on my incisions since the scabs fell off.

(DI + grafts by Dr. Scott Mosser in San Francisco, CA)

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29 June 2020

I stopped posting updates about my post-top surgery insurance/billing issues a while ago, but as of right now, that mess is still unresolved. Between the misinformation given to me by my insurance company, the misinformation given to my surgeon’s office by my insurance company, the way my insurance company has processed the claims related to my surgery, and issues with the hospital bill, I’m still trying to sort it out. I’m one year post-op next month. The document that I created to chronicle this nightmare is almost 19 pages long and counting.

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If you’re considering top surgery or you’re in the process of making it happen, do yourself a favor and keep extremely detailed notes every time you have a phone call with your insurance company or your surgeon’s office or any of the billing companies involved in your procedure. Keep your notes in a folder with anything (estimates, bills, EOBs, etc.) you get in the mail or are given by your surgeon/the hospital/your insurance company/billing companies. Keep a folder on your computer where you save any digital documents and statements related to your surgery. Give all email conversations with your surgeon’s office/the hospital/etc. their own label so you can find them easily. Hopefully you won’t have the problems that I’m having, but if you do, it’ll be very handy to have everything where you can easily find it later.

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29 June 2020

I stopped posting updates about my post-top surgery insurance/billing issues a while ago, but as of right now, that mess is still unresolved. Between the misinformation given to me by my insurance company, the misinformation given to my surgeon’s office by my insurance company, the way my insurance company has processed the claims related to my surgery, and issues with the hospital bill, I’m still trying to sort it out. I’m one year post-op next month. The document that I created to chronicle this nightmare is almost 19 pages long and counting.

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It just occurred to me this morning that my face could rock a mustache if/when I can grow one. 😮

But right now I still just have the one dark chin hair, so… it’ll be a while.

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...well, it’s been a while.