Its been a while but my situation calls for a bit of thinking and writing and mulling over. So forgive me for this
Ive been thinking about a lot of things lately. Very recently is death. Theres so many people I'm trying not to disappoint but I'm finding it extremely hard to keep going. Then I think about each individual person, how their lives would change when they get the news that I've overdosed or jumped off or whatever way comes to mind. It breaks my heart that I'm even having these thoughts but I am and I no longer want to burden anymore people by messaging them and making them listen to my problems that they cant even help fix. So here I am writing about it.
It breaks my heart to think about how my fiancé would react when I literally just sent him a link for a possible home for us.
Or the only two people who go out of their way to help me escape at least for a couple of hours a day. How would they react knowing I was just sharing a meal with them not even 48 hours ago?
My new friend from work who I had just cancelled on for lunch tomorrow.
How about the people that look up to me? The ones who think I'm so lucky--the ones I've inspired with my hard headedness and strength in school. The ones who keep me going? They would probably be so disappointed that the person they looked up to was not as strong as they thought.
Its so hard to be strong all the time but its also so hard to be weak and feel absolutely broken and lost in life.
Its like I cant breathe.
Where will they find me when I've lost everything?









