All Star Liza

[allstarliza]

I have a fairly good update for today, mixed in with a little bad.

My surgery perquisites are finally coming together, I have one more meeting with both the dietician and the physical therapist and hopefully i'll be signed off for surgery in a couple weeks.

I'm doing well on keto right now and finally some of my medicine weight gain is starting to come off.

Here comes some of the bad. Firstly, my A1C was higher than I need it to be and im technically in the pre-diabetic stage. Secondly, my blood pressure has been quite high in several of my appointments. So, i've started metformin again to hopefully help with the a1c. Then i've started some bp medicine, lisinopril and hydrochlorothiazide.

Otherwise, I've been feeling really good mentally. I'm following a good routine, and things are just feeling more stable. I'm taking good steps and I know if I just keep holding on everything is going to come together.

[allstarliza]

I’m here again

Well, I’m finally in a better mindset. It’s taken a long time to get here and that has made me very sad in the past. Today, I’m okay though. I had taken a hiatus on trying to lose weight and had started focusing on my mental health issues. Unfortunately, one of the new medicines we tried caused me to gain 30lbs in a month. 

With the medicine, I was compulsively eating and had no way of stopping. So, that’s a month down, but I’ve been off of that medicine and have been working on getting to a mindset where I could start Keto again. This is my third day.

HW:342.8 CW:338

I’ve made a decision in the last several months to pursue bariatric surgery, I tried for 3 years to do keto and I always get stopped at that one plateau and I can’t do it anymore. I need help, and I know that this will give me the help I need. That said, Keto is still how I intend to eat for the rest of my life. This way of life has helped me be healthier no matter the weight I’ve lost.

[allstarliza]

Update

Well, I’m struggling again. Mentally. I just can’t seem to get over this hurdle, I’m working on it, but its slow and painful. What do you do when you get depressed? How do you handle it? or the pitfalls that come with. How do you trust your family when they don’t trust you? Not my husband, but other family members have been treating me like glass.

I’ve had some very serious issues with depression over the last couple months, its been bad and I won’t get further into it, but it caused a huge rift between me and some family members and I still haven’t gotten myself to trust them again. Which, is hard because these were people I felt very close with.

My weight loss goals are on hold right now, I just haven’t been able to take care of myself. I’m trying.

So until I’m feeling better I’ll be posting more about my mental health, which includes anxiety and depression. I hope that some of you might at least feel like you aren’t alone. Maybe you’ll even get something out of it. Right now, I’m just working on me in a different way.

Keep Trying.

[allstarliza]

Week 1 Carnivore Recap

Tuesday ended my first week of carnivore eating. I currently weigh 294 which is down from 310 the week before.

I’m doing pretty well on eating, I think. The first couple of days I had hamburger patties, the second couple I did a 48 hr fast. The next day I ate bacon and pepperoni. The trouble started when I got into the buffalo style chicken wings we had in the freezer. I wasn’t thinking about the sauce and of course it was so good I had 2 portions that day. Also the day after. I didn’t realize that they had maltitol in the sauce, and its something I avoid as much as possible because I react badly to it. Sure enough, I woke up the next day with inflammation and pain in my hand joints. It’s okay, I know better now. I managed to drink a minimum of 2 powerade zeros a day which I love because it helps with sweet cravings while also having some electrolytes. In addition to my diet I made a healthy change in what I was drinking. I’m officially on day 3 of no caffeine. I’ve had no withdrawal. I typically drink diet coke, but have successfully leaned into caffeine free. It’s a great start.

My mental health is getting better generally. My only real issue is turning my brain off, it feels like its running all the time and nothing I do can satisfy it. It’s not boredom, its a different form of anxiousness I haven’t had before. Sometimes the day goes by so slowly, when 10pm comes around and its time to take my bedtime meds i’m so happy. 

I’m working on it. 

[allstarliza]

Update

I just wanted to make a little update. I’m doing better. I have a long way to go, but I’m doing better. The biggest problem I have right now is not being able to sit still, not for long, and not without doing something to keep my mind busy. I just can’t seem to relax. My husband is home this weekend, I missed him it had been about a month since I had last seen him. He’s been so sweet and understanding even last night when he was tired. He still took the time to help me move my computer into our bedroom. We’re turning the spare bedroom into a treatment room instead, something that my mental health needs. Somewhere quiet where I can use my Reiki.

I think he’s still a little worried about me, but I hope in time we can move past this.

I started Carnivore again, it will be a week on Tuesday. It’s a better start than last time. This week I’ve noticed my skin looks radiant (which makes me feel beautiful), I’ve been able to do a 48 hr fast, and in general physical everything feels better. I’m doing strict Carnivore, only eating meat with no seasonings except salt and pepper. Later in the month, I might be adding eggs and butter, which are generally allowed on carnivore. For now, though, I needed to get all the garbage out of my system. I’ve had no “Keto Flu” symptoms so I feel lucky.

Eventually, I intend to cut out caffeine and diet coke. I’m down to one caffeinated diet coke in the morning and caffeine free the rest of the day. I woke up with a slight headache this morning, but, I’m highly addicted and it's going to take time to get over it. I’m also drinking more water.

All these changes are scary, I feel like I’m going to relapse into past behaviors. It’s just, I go through this cycle where everything seems fine, and I’m fine. Then suddenly I fall, and chaos ensues. How do you get over that? I’m trying, that’s the most important thing, but it just feels a little hopeless sometimes to keep trying the same thing and failing over and over again.

My weight loss has gone up and down with the same 10-15 lbs for several months, maybe almost a year and it just makes me feel like a failure. Like maybe I should just have surgery and be done with it. My husband is the only one in my life that is truly supportive - without his own agenda. He just wants me to be happy. He’s done keto with me all this time, stopping and restarting along the way, but the fact that he still does it means a lot to me.

I have to give this a solid try. I can’t have “cheat meals” I just have to stay focused. If I fail again I’ll reconsider surgery (something I’ve never wanted to do). Please if you pray, just pray for me, that I would succeed this time on carnivore, or any positive thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you!

[allstarliza]

No Weigh-in

Mental Health Post - Read with Caution.

There won’t be any official weigh-in for June. My weight at my last Dr’s visit was 307 and that was about a week ago. The truth is, I had a sort of breakdown. I was exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping hardly at all. I started having bad thoughts, none of which I will share here. I had those thoughts for about a week before I told anyone, and that was when I was truly at the end of what I could stand.

I told my husband the thoughts I was having, suicidal and thoughts of harming myself. I honestly don’t know how I made it through a week with these thoughts contradicting everything. My anxiety was the highest its ever been.

I felt hopeless and helpless and I felt constantly attacked.

My husband came with me to my doctor’s appointments, first to my counselor who helped me feel a little better and while she knew how I hate being on the truck with my husband knew that I needed to be with someone until my doctor could look at my medicines and make a switch.

I was terrified that whole day, because I was worried my doctor would force me to go to the hospital which is something I definitely didn’t want to do. There was an overwhelming fear of being taken against my will and being put in a place that had none of my comforts or coping mechanisms and doctors I didn’t know making judgements about my health without listening to me and what I wanted.

That appointment went just as I feared it would. I felt pressured even by my husband to go to the hospital I had no support from anyone. I understand that 99% of the people that go in thinking the same bad thoughts I did need to be hospitalized to be protected, but I didn’t. I was absolutely exhausted mentally and physically so when I had a dr, nurse, and spouse, pressuring me to go to the ER I said yes.

My husband started driving me there after we called and let my Mom and Sister know what was going on and it was immediate as soon as we left the parking lot I knew it was wrong. I started panicking, I wanted to get out of the car, I wanted to be home where I was safe. He wouldn’t listen, he drove me all the way to the ER with me having a panic attack and begging him with everything I had not to make me go.

I was willing to do anything but go to the hospital.

We ended up having my mom and sister come down the next day to stay with me for several days.

I was fine that night, I was still having thoughts but I was home and safe. I was honest about every thought that ran through my brain.

The nurse called the next morning after my mom and sister pretty much turned onto my street. The call was very aggressive, and not at all understanding and despite me telling her that I would have 24 hr attention until we could figure out my medicine situation she sent EMS and a cop to my house.

I was having another panic attack by the time my family arrived and what had been an okay morning turned into one of the worst days of my life.

My husband talked to the cop, someone local that he knew and the EMS came and I had to make myself calm enough to answer their questions. They declared that I was in my right mind and could not force me to go with them but they still made me go to the hospital this time driven by my mom and sister. My husband left to go to work, he had stayed several days longer and we couldn’t afford for him to stay any longer.

I have never been more afraid. They took me to the ER and I was forced to go into a room, it was white extremely bare with 2 chairs a large window for a tech to look in on me every 15 minutes. It had a single bed which wasn’t plugged in so I could even raise it to get any sort of comfort, it had 1 pillow and no bedding. My family came in the room with me, a nurse came in asked me questions then I was told they needed a urine sample, and to take several viles of blood to see if there was some chemical problem. They took everything from me, I was forced to put on a pair of paper scrubs, that didn’t fit. The tech ended up letting me wear my jeans but I had to wear and extremely tight and restricted paper shirt that made me feel exposed. Then they took my jewelry, which I’ve come to wear like armour. Then I wasn’t even allowed my phone, I could do nothing but sit on the bed and look around the room. There was even a camera recording and probably listening to everything that was said. I had no privacy, which I understand is the point but I felt like an animal without dignity or respect.

My anxiety was completely high the hold time I was there. A counselor came in to evaluate me and basically told me what I wanted didn’t matter and he was going to listen to my doctor. I thought my family would support me, knowing that I wanted to go home but they didn’t and I felt even more hopeless then when I first went in. I never told anyone but the thoughts got worse after that, I didn’t trust my family. I didn’t trust anyone but myself and God. Who I prayed to without every thought and breath after the counselor left, I sat down in a corner and prayed. I knew that it was wrong and I prayed that they would see that somehow and let me go home.

I was released a couple hours later, the counselor talked to my doctor and got me an appointment for the next day which I HAD to go too. He was really upset, I could tell. He absolutely wanted me to stay, but they had no real reason to hold me. I was very concise about not wanting to be there, and concise that despite the bad thoughts I was having that I didn’t want to hurt or kill myself.

So, I went home. We packed and for the next several days I stayed at my parents house under 24hr observation. This week I ended up able to go home for about 2 days and now I’m on vacation with them.

My anxiety is high again but I’m not having bad thoughts. I’m just trying to stay away from all of my relatives that give me anxiety and stress. I was doing good with a schedule of sleeping. Taking my medicine at 10 and going to sleep by 11. Something that while I was at my mom’s house she was super supportive, but now its like she’s completely forgotten. So now I’m here in a situation that is taking all my strength and energy to get through and I haven’t seen my husband since that day at the hospital and he got to see our friends and their baby over the weekend and I haven’t been able to talk to him much and I miss him desperately. He’s the only person I want to see and hug and kiss and just sit and be with. I need his comfort desperately. I need any kind of comfort desperately.

My relatives have a pool and we were swimming in it last night and there were two bats that kept swooping down at us to drink the water. I started panicking again, it was too soon after having the bats in my house. NO ONE believed me that they were bats... My sister didn’t see them apparently and neither did anyone else, they just made me feel crazy. I am not crazy. The only comfort I got was from my 3 year old nephew who swam up and held onto me and kept saying, “It’s okay, please don’t be scared.”

I’m trying with all my might to feel better, right now I’m locked away in the bedroom I’m staying in and typing this post. Earlier I put on headphones and listened to music, I feel so bad that I can’t be better. They don’t know what’s going on with me, and I won’t tell them. Apparently I have a cousin who they believe is bi-polar and they’ve completely cut her out of their lives and talk about her like garbage. I don’t know how to feel about that, but I just don’t like these people.

I haven’t even thought about eating good food, my body is filled with garbage and I need help recommitting to something that I’ve been feeling like it hasn’t been helping. I’ve been putting more thought into carnivore at the very least. Once I’m home I’m hoping that I can get back to a healthy routine and schedule because I’ve been very.. anxious about all the changes we’ve had traveling. I almost felt like I was doing the routine compulsively but I don’t think that’s a good thing.

I’m sorry if what I’ve written upsets anyone, but I have no other outlet. This is something that’s not my fault, but I still blame myself. I am working on so much in my life and I can only thank you for your patience and support.

[allstarliza]

With you there’s never anything I can do or say to make you understand me. You prefer not talking over honest talk. I actively seek you out because I know you’re upset at me but your excuse is that you were giving me space. I don’t need space, I need an explanation, I need you to talk to me, I need you to understand me.

For years, its gradually gotten worse. Aren’t you the one person who is supposed to understand me the most? WHY.. Why do we have to try so hard with one another?

I know that you love me, but I also know that its not an unconditional complete love.

Stop hiding and do the work toward a solid relationship with me, it hurts me every time I try and eventually I won’t have the heart to try again.

[allstarliza]

I’m all over the place right now. I’ve seen 2 bats on the main floor of our house within the last week. Had an exterminator come in and told me all the places they were coming in from. I’m just not okay right now.

I’m moving room to room closing doors behind me. I’m sleeping with the lights on, if I’m sleeping at all. (Which isn’t much.) I keep my cats in my bedroom at night too. In the evening I turn on all the lights in the house and keep them on until daylight. I’m having flashbacks of when one of the bats almost flew into my face. I barricaded my fireplace, barricade the entry to my basement but was told that they are coming through the attic and once there can get to anywhere in my house. Included my bedroom which has been the only room i’ve felt even remotely safe in. The guy gave me his cell number and he’s on call 24hrs so if I see any bats I can call him whenever. I’m just so horrified.

I went to see my counselor on tuesday and she helped me a little I guess. Ultimately though my anxiety has been at an 8 this whole time. My husband won’t be home until the weekend and i’m just literally trying to not go crazy at night from fear.

I know that bats don’t really want anything to do with humans and cats, i’ve been assured of that. They don’t even want to come into the main parts of the house. Apparently the most dangerous thing about them is their guano.. or poop. They can carry diseases that are extremely dangerous.

So now, I’m worried about that with my asthma.

I don’t know how I get to place of ever feeling safe in the house. I just don’t. It feels like right now there will always be that fear in the back of my mind. Especially when I’m alone at night.

[allstarliza]

May Weigh Day

May started out pretty well, I did strict keto for a month before my period came and I went a little off the rails. I’m not beating myself up, I’m not making excuses it's just another month. 

I am making good choices for my health every day. I’ve been starting new medications which have been making me really drowsy and lethargic but it's all to fix my depression and anxiety. I can’t fix everything in my life in a day, or a month. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying too many things at once, and maybe I am. Still, the main message here is that I’m trying.

Here are my current stats:  SW: 338 CW: 291 GW: 150

I went up a few lbs. It's hard to see myself go up and down every month, but at the time I’m doing everything I can. I guess that’s all there really is, just taking things as they come and doing the best you can.

[allstarliza]

April Weigh Day

I’ve gotten back on track the rest of this month and I’m really proud of myself. This last weekend I had some family over, my mom and sister. I tend to get a lot of anxiety when they’re around and sabotage myself. This time I didn’t. I made good choices and ate Keto the whole time I was with them, all while they ate junk food and candy. It was a strong victory over emotional eating.

I also helped plan a baby shower and was in charge of making cupcakes with chocolates on top. NSV - I didn’t lick my hands once. (That sounds weirder then it is.)

Now to my stats: SW: 338 CW: 288.4 GW: 150

Which is down 9.5 lbs from 297.8 that’s an amazing come back. I’m hoping to continue this streak and eventually get back into the 270′s again so I can start making real progress. Obviously, I’m making progress but there’s a difference over lbs I’ve lost time and time again versus fresh new ones. I’ve got this.

There’s one thing that I want people to remember if they read my blog. I’m not giving up, month to month, even day to day, I might be a mess, but I keep coming back and I keep trying.

[allstarliza]

Alternative Healing

So I do Reiki, it’s an energy work and I use it everyday. It helps with pain, anxiety, and depression among other things.

I recently found a local shop that I absolutely love. It has crystals, incense, sage.. books, candles, clothing. I found some really nice pieces of crystal jewelry and I’ve been reading more about how crystals can heal you. I realize that energy healing and crystals might seem a little far fetched but I’m doing a lot better mentally then I was a couple weeks ago. Try to be open to things outside your comfort zone. I’ve even been meditating daily. Sometimes multiple times if my anxiety starts to come back but I’m making hard choices and doing my best.

[allstarliza]

Mini Weigh-in

I weighed in today because I just wanted to check in after my monthly weigh-in and see if I’d made any progress. I have my period so I wasn’t expecting much but since my March weigh-in I’m down to 284 which is almost 15lbs down in a few days.

With that being said, I’m glad I checked, but it’s not a real indication of progress. If anything it’s proof that our weights constantly change and we should look at other factors for a more realistic look at our bodies. Like, I only eat one meal a day with intermittent fasting. I don’t feel hungry, I rarely feel full. For me that feels like real progress. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ll be excited to see my weight at the end of the month, but it’s not the only thing I’m looking at.

[harmony-is-happiness]

[harmony-is-happiness]

[allstarliza]

I made ribs in my instant pot. Delicious.

[allstarliza]

Weight loss is such an unbearably fickle thing. It’s completely unpredictable. I’ve confirmed something that I suspected. I’m fat adapted, despite the horrible month I had I feel completely back to where I need to be.

Now all I need to do is just take things one day at a time. I need to take food one decision at a time, and I need to breathe one breath at a time.

Maybe I’m fickle too. One day I’m happy and complete and the next I’m anxious and empty. As I write this, thoughts of sabotage come to my head. I’m not giving in this time but I know it’ll be back, it always comes back to me. I can’t even keep writing about this because it’s like it gives the temptation more power the more thought I put into it.

I’m working on it. I’m distracting myself.

[allstarliza]

March Weigh Day

I always seem to be late on my Weigh-in’s anymore. It’s just getting hard to do it. My anxiety keeps creeping back in and stopping me from making progress. I’m struggling to make good choices, I’ve been eating things that aren’t good for me and this month I failed. Hard.

My weight was 297.8lbs.

I won’t recap this month, it was just one bad choice after another, one sabotage after another. Why do I do this to myself?

I know in my heart what I want the most in life, but my mind is literally over-powering me. I always feel like my anxiety and depression is a separate entity and this month it was in control. Does that sound crazy? The way I describe it always makes me feel like people would think I’m crazy.

The last few months I’ve made this decision that I won’t to start trying for a baby by the end of the year. Probably unattainable and probably unrealistic, but I’m ready for that change in my life.

I haven’t wanted to update tumblr, a part of me wanted to just pretend everything was okay and that I was still making progress but, this is supposed to be my blog and my safe space so I’d only be lying to myself.

I’m still here.