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[allthatchaz]

INTERVIEW

I just had a phone interview! For a job that wouldn't make me feel like I was wasting my life! It's at the university! It would be about 2/3 the hours I worked at my old job, but my paychecks would be 150% of what I made before! I would get to interact with humans, and facilitate learning!

I think it went well, but they only asked me a very few questions. But the questions they did ask were ones that I could answer easily, and they opened the door for me to a) brag about my experience teaching undergrads at UC-Berkeley, and b) talk about how badly I miss working in education.

Here's the thing, though. They still haven't asked for a cover letter, or a resume, or references. I got the phone interview based solely on my score on a state-administered standardized test, so now the only information they have is that random number, and my verbal answers to approximately three questions. All that's left to do now is to try not to hold my breath while I wait for a call about an in-person interview. And write a thank-you email for the interview? Is that a thing people do after a phone interview?

[allthatchaz]

fuck Fuck FUCK

Subconscious self-sabatoge is apparently my new modus operandi. I spend all day looking and applying for jobs, and two weeks ago I was invited to come in for a written test as part of my application for a very promising library job.

The test was this morning. And I just remembered now.

I have never in my life forgotten something important like this. I don't miss meetings or even deadlines. Ever. This was the first positive response I'd gotten in 13 months of applying for jobs. One opportunity per year, and I completely blew it.

So, new rule. First thing when I get up every morning, I am going to put on my glasses, look my reflection in the eyes, and say "Today is [insert day of the week]. I respect you too much to let you fuck this day up. Today you are going to accomplish ____________." 

[allthatchaz]

Unemployment: Week 1

Super-cleaned my entire apartment

Designed and crocheted some wristwarmers to match my hood

Sold, crocheted, and shipped a Loki hat

Learned a new technique and knitted ~1/3 of an ambitious project

Learned to sew and made a linen cloak

Brought baked goods to my former coworkers and employer; the latter told me (unsolicited) that she would give me "a good recommendation...an awesome recommendation" if I ever need one

Applied for 9 jobs

Promptly received 8 rejections

Told employment agency #1 that I have lowered my standards

Signed up with a employment agency #2

Was immediately informed by employment agency #2 that "it is unlikely that we will see placement opportunities for you in the foreseeable future"

how. the. hell. is anyone supposed to find a job, when the people whose job it is to find you a job straight up tell you not to even try?

[allthatchaz]

The job market

The first time I was unemployed (about a year and a half ago), it was scary not to have a job. With each passing month, it got more scary and more frustrating.

Now, it has been a year and a half. I have steadily applied for jobs during that time, and have gotten interviews at only two places. One turned me down after multiple interviews and exams, while the other hired me for a job that kept me slightly-less-than-solvent for a year. Applying for jobs now is terrifying AND frustrating AND soul-crushing. How do you talk yourself up, how do you muster the time and energy to writing a stellar cover letter, when you know there's an enormous chance that nobody will ever read it?

I wish I could just ask my references to call my potential employers and say "Listen up. Here are several reasons you need this person in your workplace." I wish that I had the guts to just burst in the door and say "Hey, I don't know if you got my application, but let me show you what a fucking excellent employee - and person - I am.

With that, I'll get back to writing another stellar cover letter that will probably never get read.

[allthatchaz]

The dog days are over. It is cold and windy outside, and instead of standing out there getting mauled and barked at, I am in my pajamas listening to music. In a few weeks, I will not be covered in bruises, for the first time in a year. I can wake up with the sun, instead of before it. I can wear clothes that I don't want destroyed. I can dedicate my time to revamping my etsy store and searching for the kind of job I need and deserve.

So why do I feel like a terrible, irresponsible person?

[allthatchaz]

One of my favorite personality traits that I inherited/learned from my family is this: When we reach the breaking point beyond all stressed-out-ness, we don't rage or cry or shut down (though any of those things may happen prior to the breaking point). Nope. When we actually snap, we go into hysterics. The laughing kind.

I just gave myself the most ridiculous anti-pep-talk in the bathroom mirror. It ended with me shouting "STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP!" at myself, then laughing so hard, and for so long, that my abs are still burning.

[cardamomz]

There were 30 thousand people who came to see Barack Obama and 6 thousand were turned away.

[allthatchaz]

Some of those six thousand were so desperate to glean some positive energy from this event that they rearranged three people's work schedules so they could make it, then biked up some giant hills in the rain, then walked two miles in the rain, then waited in line for two hours (in the rain) before being turned away. At which point they pedaled their ass home in some more rain and, feeling sorry for themselves, downed half a bottle of wine because fuck you universe.

Those people are going to bed now, so they can stop being such whiny assholes and wake up tomorrow ready to try, try again to find a glimmer of hope that maybe eventually something good will happen, something, anything, someday, maybe.

</bitch>

[allthatchaz]

Seriously Universe,

Don't you have more important things to do than cockblock every attempt I make at happiness or fulfillment?

[allthatchaz]

INFJ

Don't remember what spurred me to suddenly look at personality descriptors, but this one just explained to me something about myself that I have been struggling to explain/justify to someone lately:

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Spot-on, for me.

[allthatchaz]

Genmaicha and plain rye toast are an unexpectedly perfect breakfast combo.

[allthatchaz]

I just fed half a cinnamon stick to my compost worms, and now I feel like I'm incubating Arrakeen sand worms in my closet.

[allthatchaz]

Today's Agenda:

clean

work on my edible plants journal

second foraging excursion of the season

if I find enough violets, start a batch of violet wine. otherwise, mead. possibly both.

finish making an awesome thing to go with the super-splurge that I just blew all of my etsy money on. will post details/pics once it arrives in the mail.

have internal argument about whether I should work on a job application or go see the hunger games again

probably go to the movies

possibly do the responsible thing afterward

[allthatchaz]

In my dream last night, I had a girlfriend. She was not someone I know in waking life, but she was incredibly real on that side of consciousness. Our relationship lasted five, ten, twenty minutes? Time is not the same in dreams, so I can’t say with any degree of certainty. But those five, ten, twenty minutes were more than I have ever gotten in “real” life. And they were realer than anything I did today. They have stuck with me, and I miss her. I miss the way she let me care for her, and I miss the way I let her genuinely see me. I miss resting my hand in the small of her back, and I miss her resting her playful gaze on my face.

Most days I am unable to believe that this life has anything so real in store for me. But for today, it is enough to have experienced this kind of relationship while asleep. I only have a dream like this once every few years, but I keep them with me and take refuge in them, when it’s easier than daring to hope for something real.

[allthatchaz]

Resources

The woods seem like a completely different place now that I have The Hunger Games so incorrigibly on the brain. I still feel more at home there than anywhere else in the world, but now instead of noticing things because I appreciate them, I am noticing things in terms of how they could be used for survival. While I have spent many shelterless nights in all sorts of weather, and slept in trees out of necessity, I have never had to find my own sustenance.

Last summer when I started gardening, I got really interested in foraging as well. That interest has only grown since then. I plan to go morel hunting this spring, though my grandparents are convinced that they aren't to be found in our woods anymore. I'm going to make salads of dandelion, clover, and watercress as often as I can find plants that haven't been sprayed with weed-killer. I know where to find raspberries and blackberries and ground cherries, and today I learned to identify gooseberry bushes. My grandma also introduced me to wild onions today (OMG just like Peeta picks for Katniss because he thinks they're flowers *fangirling*). I also plan to fish and possibly even take up bow fishing, as soon as I can afford a decent bow (or my awesome uncle has time to make me one). In the fall there are always acorns, hickory nuts, and walnuts. Spring tips of conifers make a delicious tea. Red sumac tastes like lemon candy. Cattail roots and pollen are wonderfully nutty.

Anybody have any foraging experience they're willing to teach me? Or resources you could point me at? I can take you camping or make you some chain mail or something in exchange :)

[allthatchaz]

Just finished rereading The Hunger Games and am about to go see the movie again, this time with my dad. Cannot get enough.

[allthatchaz]

Oh Julie, you just keep on singing until I can sing with you and mean it.

I am tired of this week. I am tired of my mind. I am tired of my brand-new injury, acquired by being slammed into a gate by a stampeding pack of dogs while freezing my appendages off in a 34° thunderstorm this morning, after a fitful night of successive dreams about being fired. I am tired of being a grownup in a non-student capacity. I am tired of toiling instead of teaching, creating, learning, or revolutionizing.

But do you know what? It is FRIDAY, bitches! I'm about to open a bottle of wine, put on some good music, and climb into the tub with a pile of books about vikings. I will go to bed as early or late as I want. Tomorrow I will go see the Hunger Games (Anybody want to join me? As far as I know, none of my local buddies are into it. If I am wrong, you should totally come! If I am right, may I force upon you recommend the books?). On Sunday, The three founding members of the Bitches, Bikes, and Brunch club will take our inaugural ride.

Weekend, I love you. Let's be friends forever.

[allthatchaz]

We had a work meeting tonight, and I am now so creeped out that I can't sleep, and I'm not sure how I can make myself go to work again tomorrow.

One of the owners, who is SUPER hands-off and, when he does show his face, won't talk to anyone even if you try really hard to be polite and engaging, just informed us that he spent a whole week hiding in the woods behind the yards, watching us and keeping a list of every single time we didn't notice something that needed taking care of, also noting exactly how long said things went unnoticed.

Let me lay this out here for you. Sometimes one of us will be out in a very large yard, unassisted, with up to 35 dogs. When there is more than one person out there, we have up to 80 dogs. This is not our fault, and there is nothing we can do except try to keep anyone from killing each other. So if somebody barks at the strange noise in the woods while I am saving a dog who got his jaw caught in someone else's collar and is now simultaneously strangling and being bitten by that someone, well, I do not apologize.

I could go on and on about precisely how messed up this whole thing is, but I think you get the idea, and I will just upset myself more. I want out. I want fucking out of this and into something that requires me to use my brain. I want to do something that isn't simultaneously pretty dangerous and immensely boring.

I have so many skills, and so much experience, and I am a fucking excellent employee. Scads of people even more skilled and experienced are willing to attest to these facts. Almost-opportunities keep popping up, giving me little glimmers of hope, only to disappear as soon as I try to follow through. If I could figure out any more ways to try and make my own luck, I would be churning that shit out. But I am seriously STUCK.