[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Today my mom purged some old clothes. She was so proud. Then she stopped and said "I still didn't touch Randy's though". I said "don't you want to do just one bag and take it to the thrift shop?". "Nope."

I dont know how to help her move forward. She's stuck being the eternal widow. It hurts me. I want my momma back. But she's stuck in the hurricane aftermath. Still. Three years later. I'm not rushing. I just want her to get to a healthy place. I miss my mom. The real one. Not this sad lady.

Not to mention. I can't even think about planning a wedding. Like dude. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle. Now I'm like I guess I'll walk alone. I don't want my father to do it. I wanted you to. 😩

I don't know how to fix anything. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed. I just wish I could talk to you. 💔

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Three years today you've been gone. A lot happened this year. A lot of things I need you for. I went back to work in the field. You'd be so proud. I got fired. But it wasn't my fault. You'd be so mad.

I got engaged. 💍

How am I supposed to get married without you ?

Everything still has a giant Randy sized hole in it.

I cant even post this tik tok because I don't want it to kill my mom. But I have to have my space to grieve too, right ?

So here I am.....

All the things I want to say but can't.

I love you. I miss you. Sometimes I still get mad at you. Because you didn't have to leave. I dont think you knew how much it would break us. I don't think you really realized how much we all needed you.

My heart aches. I want us to heal. I just don't know how. So. I keep my head down. I focus. I push on. Like always. I do my best. I make you proud like I always have.

And I miss you.

Every day.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

My mom just came in hysterical. Fell on the floor crying. Woke me up because after waking up and crying about father's day I had to just go back to sleep. And what does she say?

"Eddie died this morning."

I just woke up. I'm numb. I'm tired. I've already woke up and cried once. What did you say ?

I just looked at her.

Then she said ... "Randy got his daddy." Whew.

Man.

💔

Rest In Paradise Eddie. I know Randy gave you the biggest hug ever. The same hug I was just wishing I could feel.

Happy Father's Day.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Father's Day .... 2022

I woke up and cried because you never met my boyfriend. Like sure when he was my friend and on the game I introduced you on a video chat once. But I didn't know he was gonna be.... this. I didn't expect him. I didn't expect to fall in love and you not be there to witness it.

My dad. The man who pushed a man through a screen door for looking at me wrong.

The man who I've been taught to measure against.

You don't know how much I love this man. You're not here to see. You're not here to have a word of guidance. Which I'm sure we could've used, time and again. You don't see the smile he puts on my face every single day. You don't see him see your daughter as a whole person instead of just a pretty girl.

It's sad.

I got stuck in the anger stage of grief. I packed it away in a box. Put it in the closet. And locked the door. When people go by the closet I get antsy. But I'm okay. My moms the only one who I allow to even open the door. But guess what. That box is full of a gang of angry Chelles. So when she opens the door and gets close.... it's like *snap* instant anger.

I miss you. But even more on a day like today. When I think about how you won't be there to give me away. Cuz let's be honest I'm not asking Dre. 🤣

You're the thing missing from all my big moments. And it's a giant hole that can't be filled.

Oh by the way. I got a job. Another producer gig. I can literally hear you whooping and hollering over it. I know you're proud. You were always the most proud of me.

I just wish you were here to celebrate with me. To worry about me being gone for four months. To be here to send me off and then come to the location and make sure everything is good.

That's a dad. You are my dad by choice and fate.

I just dont know how come I only got to have you for so long.

😭❤️💋

Happy Father's Day. Hug Grampy for me.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Last night I saw you. In a dream. It took me a second to realize that's what I saw. But yah. We were like... in my old apartment. And I was on the one side of the bar talking to mom and there you were. Just walked up like it was nothing and stood next to her. And proceeded to help with whatever she was doing. Idk what it was. But your hands were busy. Helpful like always.

But we didn't talk.

I've only ever seen you in a dream twice. In two years. And neither time did we talk. I don't get it. I don't understand.

I want to have a dream where I hug you and talk to you. I don't want to just see you.

It feels so heartbreaking.

So surreal.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

I miss you so much.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

It's December 3rd. 2021. Almost two years exactly to the day that you left. The anxiety is creeping in. I can see it. I can feel it. I don't know what we're supposed to do.

What do we go see a Randy movie? And eat your favorite foods?

We have a smoke-out ?

We ..... sit around and cry all day?

Like how to you go about memorializing someone you're really definitely not over losing?

I don't remember last year. I must have trauma blocked it out.

Lord, just hold my momma up. Please.

There's a feeling of such emptiness. We have a whole new house and you can still feel your presence missing.

I wonder was everything about you so big that it casts a shadow that lasts forever ? Cuz man does it feel like it!

Not like we should be over it. But just .... somewhere I feel like maybe we should be more healed than we are.

I know I need help. I just push away and suppress. Just call me Elsa, conceal, don't feel, put on a show.

I gotta be strong. Everyone says, "you're the strong one" and "you're so strong". I don't want to be. I just have had to be. Life has cast me in the role of the oldest and strongest.

But my insides. They aren't strong. They're actually very fragile. I don't go into the room of my feelings because I don't know who or what's in there.

A hurt little girl who was always looking for the dad of her dreams, found a close version and lost him?

An adult woman who's tired of being strong and just wants someone to take care of her?

An angry me that holds all of my resentment that you're gone?

Cuz she is angry. I keep her locked in a cage. I don't feed her. Or water her. She barely gets any sunlight. But there are times...

When my mom is in her broken state, where she yells and screams. She rattles the cage. She gathers up kindling and starts a fire my waking self thought we extinguished already.

Nope. She's still there. Angry and seething.

I hate alcohol. I hate addiction. I hate the fact that I have to say.... you didn't have to be gone!

I hate grief. It's like.... never ending.

So ... I write my lil secret blog. Breathe. Get up. And keep going.

Sunday will come. I will do my best to hold my momma up, attempt to help in some way, and break down later in the privacy of my own space.

My heart aches. I needed you. A lot. I still need you.

💔

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

So.

My mom moved back home. And I know I've been like. . . This is what needs to happen. But now that it's happened. And you're not here. It's very overwhelming. I haven't been around. I've been home in St. Louis. But now it's like. . . 😭 idk.

We couldn't get my couch downstairs. And it's bc of the size of the stairwell. But my brain keeps going. Randy would have gotten it. Somehow. And that's messing me up. Because why do I think you could change the cement walls in the stairwell?

It's ridiculous. But it's what my insides say.

It's weird to live with my mom and not with you. I haven't even slept there yet. But it's like... "Randy's tools are outside." And I saw a big ole bag of your clothes.

I'm gonna have to drive your truck eventually. Idk how. Last time I got in it still smelled like you.

I'm so tired, Overwhelmed, hurt, injured, jusy everything.

I been so ready for change and so busy helping fund the change. I didn't have time to feel it.

Now it's hitting me like a MAC TRUCK 🚚.

I miss you. I wish I could talk to my mom about it. But her grief is so big sometimes it eclipses her entire being.

As the oldest you know I'm the one who picks her up. I don't want my sadness to make her more sad.

God help us all. Heal our hearts and minds.

Some grief days are just all around worse than the rest.

Today is one of them.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Sunday. 8/15/21

My boyfriend called me this morning and said, "your mom made me cry. She made a tik tok of Randy and I just really wish I could have met him. " 😭

Welllllll welcome to Sunday! 😭

I really wish he could have met you too!

Yall talked over FaceTime a few times. You definitely knew he existed and had my heart. But yall never got to meet.

I want to know so bad what my dad thinks of the man who has my whole heart.

But I can't. And that hurts. I miss you. We're all so broken. Still.

I think I found a house though. Step one to maybe finding some healing for us.

I hope it helps my momma. Bringing her here to a new home. With us. All together. It just sucks because everything is hidden in the shadow of Randy. 🤣💔

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Happy Father's day. I miss you. I hate Father's day.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Bad. 💔

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

I feel so sad and so alone.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Yesterday we kind of got into it. My mom told me she asked my dad if he's met my boyfriend yet. This is after the point in the conversation where we talk about missing you like crazy. I told her, "Don't talk to him about me.". And she got upset. My thing is .... she can sit here and tell me how much she misses you like she's the only one who misses you. Dads are a very touchy subject for me. No I don't want him to know anything about my life because he's literally fifteen minutes away and he doesn't bother to communicate with me. He checked on me when I had covid. Oooh. But besides that... no. My dad is gone.

My dad, the one who checked on me, the one who did the dad things. You aren't here anymore.

It's hard for me to talk about dads. It's hard for me to not get upset. But I realized yesterday It's not about him and his lack. It's about the fact that I always had you to make up for the things that he lacked. Now I don't.

I feel like I dont have a dad.

If I need a man I can depend on I will call my paw paw because....

🤷🏾‍♀️

Welp. Dad's suck.

😭💔

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Today is the day I've been dreadng. Today is day 365. You've been gone a whole year. Amanda already called to check on me and Julie already sent her love through a message. I've been up for all of five minutes. I saw your picture on facebook and couldn't breathe. It's like I'm paralyzed in emotion. I can't feel. I'm afraid to. If I start and I just gonna lose it ? Will I cry all day ? I don't know what stage of grief I'm even on. I was so angry. So angry at you I couldn't see straight. So I pushed it back and to the side. I've been doing that for months. And today I'm scared that I'll be trying fo hold closed a door that's bulging open.

I thought maybe I'd have some profound clarification or like... epiphany or something. But I don't.

I feel the panic rising in my chest.

I feel the anxiety grip closing around my throat.

I might go back to bed.

I miss my dad.

12/5/2020 One year you've been gone.

The longest year of my life.

God help us! Hold us up today! Heal our hearts and our minds! In Jesus name! Amen!

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

The one year anniversary of you being gone is looming. On the outside, I'm trying to be chill. On the inside, I'm reeling. My ptsd is enough. Add in sis, bro, and mom on top of that. It's enough to knock over an elephant.

I feel like we're supposed to do something. But what, I don't know.

Covid has the world closed.

Honestly I'm overwhelmed just trying to figure out how I'm gonna get to Florida.

Another 15 hour drive. I've repeatedly said I wont do again, but here I am. About to.

Can the Florida chapter just be over already ?

It was a big part of our lives. But we went there for Randy's job. Well... no more job. No more Randy. I just figure. No more Florida. Sure we can visit. We've made a piece of life there. Maybe we can be snowbirds and only go in the winter when St. Louis is frozen over. But the distance has always been too much. I just want us all in the same place again.

I worry about my mom. All the time. I wish she lived close so I could see her. Physically put my eyes on her. Not through a video chat. I need to hug her. I need to cry with her. I need to hold her up when she can't.

More than anything else. I just miss you.

I saw a video the other day and you were laughing and being Randy. I smiled. Then I cried.

I miss my dad. I stare at your picture on my screensaver of my phone. Lost in your eyes and your smile. Wondering what you'd be telling me now.

Wondering what you'd think about Covid. Getting yelled at by me for not wanting to wear a mask. Hehe. I wonder what you'd think of my boyfriend. The first guy I've ever brought home. All the things I'll never know.

I miss your hugs.

I'm honestly scared of how these next few weeks will feel.

Jesus be a fence!

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Today I woke up and my facebook memories are all about Lord release a blessing. Please pray. I put a picture of us as my profile pic. This day last year i didn't know how bad it was. I didn't know you'd been drinking. That 1000 miles between us acted as a huge blind spot. Nobody told me what was going on.

My mom was like... I know this happened today and something happened every day for the next two weeks. It's true. I'm definitely not ready for my memories to drag me through this. Again. The anxiety is becoming really real.

I miss you.

I hate the hole that's left in our family. I hate the fact that we really just aren't ok. My prayer right now is just "God hold us up. Stregthen us. Let us lean on each other and love each other harder through this time."

I have to keep going. Keep moving. Keep working. Keep praying. Keep praising.

I'm scared if I stop all the feelings, the anxiety, the tears, the memories good and bad will catch me.

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

*Deep breath in. Deep breath out*

I don't want to be broken by this forever.

[allthethingsiwanttosaybutcant]

Everybody keeps asking me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. Honestly. Trying not to have a panic attack. Last year I cooked my first Thanksgiving, me and my sister, alone. Because you were in the ICU.

We cooked a great dinner. Sat down and Riy Riy said... "Paw Paw had to go to the doctor cuz he was sick." We were all instantly rendered into tears. We knew what was happening. He did too. He just didn't know what we did. He didn't know you'd never come back.

I think I'm questioning is it Thanksgiving or the PTSD from the following days.

December 5th everything changed forever.

All my trauma from that week.

My mom's face. My feelings. My sis and bro and their baby. Our whole family shattered.

Im scared that I'll start reliving that. I'm scared we'll never get past it.

Everything is so broken. Everyone is holding it together with gum and bobby pins.

But God!

He will carry us through even when we don't feel like it will happen.

I just wish it wasn't like this.

I wish I could work through my grief. My anger.

I feel like I'm frozen. Stuck. In a trauma nightmare.