Hey so I definitely haven't forgotten about WIP Wednesday and it's definitely not 2:30 am Thursday morning for me ^^||
So my plans for this chapter took a major U-turn but I'm happy with what I'm writing! Because I am indecisive on what to share, take this super long scene!
Chris's younger self was watching his brother swimming. Chris thought it odd that he wasn't swimming too, or at least in the trees, until he saw the bandage around his younger self's foot. Ahā a climbing injury. Something that was very common for him around this age. It didn't narrow a date down much. Maybe it was never meant to.
Chris wasn't sure why, but he somehow knew what to do. He settled himself under the tree, sitting next to his younger self. He didn't say anythingā there was nothing he could think of to say. He simply watched his 16-year-old brother swim in the lake without a care in the world.
Neither Chris nor his younger self said a single word. For several long moments, there was only the sound of Martin splashing and swimming, accompanied by the sounds of nature. Until finally, teenage Chris spoke.
"You know it's your fault, right?"
That caught Chris off guard. "W-What?"
Teenage Chris didn't look away from his brother. "This whole situation. All of the suffering he's endured. It all could have been avoided."
Chris didn't know what to say. He'd be lying if he tried to say that exact thought hadn't run through his head. "I- that doesn't make it my faultā"
"Doesn't it?" teenage Chris asked. He didn't sound like he was sulking, or being a typical angsty teen. He sounded like it was something he'd genuinely thought through.
"You were the one who agreed to split up. You failed to find Zach in time. You're the one who let him get into this situation. Things would be different if you hadn't."
Chris tried to say somethingā anythingā to defend himself. Butā¦ it was right, wasn't it? Those same thoughts had been running around his head for months, taunting and harassing him at all hours of the day. He'd run through every scenario where things could have been changed. And yetā¦ it wasn't how things had played out. Things had happened much differently, and now everyone was paying the price of Chris's incompetence.
Then the teenage version of himself said the one thing that made his previous uncontrolled anger return.
"You're the one who failed to find him for months."
Chris shot to his feet, though the way his head spun made him regret that. His hands clenched into fists, and they shook with rage. "You think I haven't been trying?" he hissed. "I did everything I could to find him. I went over every piece of information, I asked so many people, I put in the effort."
"And yet, you were too busy arguing with yourself and everyone else around you to see the truth."
Chris stopped at that. He hated to admit itā¦ but that was right. He'd been going back and forth with himself, snapping at everyone around him who'd been trying to help. He'd thought that Aviva, Koki, and Jimmy had moved on just months after Martin had disappeared. He saw now that it wasn't true. But he'd spent so much of his energy being angry at them, at himself, at the world. And it was energy that he could have spent elsewhere.
Chris was losing this argument, and he knew it.
"Iā it wasn't my fault that Valeriane was hard to trackā"
"Maybe not. But if you'd worked together sooner, then maybe he could have been home already."
Chris wanted to argue that. Butā¦ it was true. He knew it was true. He had no defenses left. Everything the younger version of himself had said was completely correct. He was at fault for all of this. He was to blame. If he'd just tried harder, done better, done more to protect his big brother, then maybe Martin wouldn't still be missing. Maybe he'd be okay, be home and safeā¦ but he wasn't. And it was Chris's fault for not doing enough. Not being enough. Martinā¦ Martin doesn'tā
"Martin doesn't deserve someone who does so little for him," teenage Chris said. It was honestly creepy how much he was in Chris's head. He tilted his head before speaking again. "He deserves someone like Damien, someone who will fight for him, more than he deserves you."
Chris was about to open his mouth to say somethingā to agree, to beg for forgivenessā but he never got to speak.
"That's what you're thinking, right?"
Chris froze. His teenage self was looking right at him now. His brown eyes seemed to go beyond his years.
"All of this stuff, it's exactly what you've been thinking this whole time." He said it as if it were the most obvious truth in the world. Maybe it was. "You've been carrying a lot of guilt, a lot of shame. You blame yourself for the suffering our brother is going through. You agreed with me because it's a 'truth' that you forced yourself to accept months ago. And it's been holding you back. It's been making you into someone that no one recognizes anymore."
Chris was absolutely stunned. He had thought that even his teenage self stood against him. Just like everyone else. But nowā¦ now he realized that his younger self had been parroting the thoughts in his own head.
Chris sank back down, so he was now sitting in the grass. He stared at the blades as they swayed in the wind. He said nothing for several moments. His brain needed to process everything that had just happened.
"ā¦How did you know?" he finally asked, his voice no more than a whisper.
"I am you," teenage Chris said bluntly. "So of course I know what's been floating around in your head."
"ā¦Ohā yeahā¦ that makes senseā¦" Chris said. He kept his head low, still just trying to think about everything. Hearing all of his thoughts out loud, they felt silly. How had he believed all of these things for all of this time?
"ā¦None of it is true, you know," teenage Chris finally said. He was back to looking at Martin. "No one thinks this is your fault. No one is against you. If you told them that, they wouldn't agree."
"But it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what you think. It matters what you believe. Soā¦ what do you think?"
Chris thought about that. Not in the half-hearted way that some people likely would. He delved deep into his mind and heart, trying to listen. The only problem was that they were saying different things. It created a cacophony of noise that was impossible to derive anything from.
"ā¦I don't know," he finally admitted. "But I know that I have to save Martin. No matter if it's my fault or not, no matter if I do it with my team or if have to go it alone. Martin is who's important. Saving him is the most important thing right now. I can figure out everything else later."
"You know that's not the best approach," teenage Chris said after a moment. "It could end up causing you a lot of problems."
"ā¦I do," Chris stated, "but I think it's all I can do right now. Everything's too messy. I need time to straighten things out first."
Chris found himself gazing out at the lake, where 16-year-old Martin was swimming. It hurt to see him so carefree. Not because he didn't deserve to be, but because he didn't know what was coming. And becauseā¦ well, because Chris couldn't help but think that Martin might not be himself when they got him back. It was a scary thought. It was change, something Chris was bad with. But it was also something that he was sure they could work through.
"Time is something Martin may not have."
Ahhhhhh I love writing scenes where a character has this big introspective moment but doesn't choose a perfect solution- simply because they don't know what else to do. Just takes the "I'm gonna keep shoving this own even if it hurts me because everything is too overwhelming" approach. It makes them feel so much more real having an imperfect protagonist.
Ahhhhhh I love writing scenes where a character has this big introspective moment but doesn't choose a perfect solution- simply because they don't know what else to do
OH MAN ME TOO ITS SO. its the best. this scene you shared is so wow, im in awe thank you for sharingš«¶
