My Time _ My Life

Just a girl that has too much on her mind , and is trying to express it.

[alltimel0w]

January 19th, 2019 // 

It’s easy to let yourself depend on others, especially when you’re constantly surrounded by them. It’s easy to have certain expectations of others. It’s easy to get lost and use others to guide you out. They say this is the age of independence, but if you ask me, I’ve never felt more dependent. Dependent on others' strength, on others' opinions, on others' help. Some days it feels as though I’ve forgotten my own strengths, my own opinions, and how to help myself. I’ve forgotten that I can make the right decisions and that I can succeed on my own.

I’ve forgotten that I can pull myself out.

I don’t mean that I can do everything alone, because that’s not true. I live with the mentality that no one has ever done anything completely alone; everyone needs a helping hand to succeed. 

It’s a fine line I find myself crossing constantly. I’m always doubting the things I can achieve on my own. I wonder if what I can do on my own is enough, I wonder if I’m enough. So I seek out people that I see as superior for advice that isn’t really advice. It’s me trying to get an answer to a question I haven’t even tried to figure out on my own. It’s me trying to get someone to do the work for me so that I don’t have any reason to blame myself if it goes wrong. It’s me distancing myself from the decision until I have barely any part to play.

Because I’ve convinced myself that my answer sounds better when it’s coming out of someone else’s mouth.

I’m not going to pretend that I’m the only one who feels this way, like I’m the only one who’s convinced themselves that we need validation from others in order to thrive. Ironically, I’m not alone in the idea of not being able to do anything alone. This is an everyday struggle; it’s an uphill climb that never seems to end. Its constant reminders that help is good and help is fine, but help doesn’t mean giving up. It’s forcing yourself to take pride in your work until you believe it, even when it feels mediocre. It’s drawing limits and placing physical boundaries between what friends and family can do, and what you wish they would do.

The reality of this life is that no one is going to live it for you. No matter how hard you try, at the end of the day, you can’t live in fear of what you can and can’t do. You have to do things on your own, unafraid of whether you’re good enough. You should do things the way you want and really believe that it’s the best way to do them – really believing that you’re the best person to do them. You have to have faith in your choices and faith in yourself, because if you don’t who will? Who’s going to believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself first?

We have the strength and we have the power to pull ourselves out of the darkest places. We have the means and the tools to beat our demons. But we won’t see the potential we have when we’re too busy looking at the potential we

could

have if someone did it for us. We won’t pull ourselves out if we’re too busy waiting for someone to reach down first.

[alltimel0w]

December 21st, 2017 // 

I’m exhausted

I’m exhausted from being strong, from acting like I have it all together, and from being everything to everyone.

I never particularly set out to be this kind of woman, yet it seems through the bitter choices and the sweet idealizations of not wanting to let anyone down, I found myself worn-out and lost, wondering if someday someone would be there for me in all the ways I have been there for them.

Perhaps it happened by mistake, because the biggest irony is that when others look at me they see me as strong. They see me as competent and able, but inside I would never label myself with those qualities because—while they see me surefooted and steady—inside I am shaking.

I tried, I really did. Every morning, despite my exhaustion, I still do.

Even when my shoulders slump, and my eyes become clouded from tears of feeling things too deeply, I breathe in and tell myself that it will all be okay—whether I feel like that or not.

I suppose I’ve been trying to be strong since before I realized what women like me were called, or that we had our own genre: The strong, independent, self-sufficient woman. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? And I guess when we are told that’s what we should become, then it’s no surprise that we manifest those qualities.

But, the problem with being this over-simplified definition of a woman? The world actually believes us.

I haven’t met one of these goddesses who, although many would describe her as such, doesn’t also long for help, for guidance, for leadership, for someone to just fall against at the end of the day. Someone she can rely on, knowing that she doesn’t have to be anything other than her beautiful self.

The truth is we can sit here with our glasses of pinot grigio saying we don’t need a man, or a warrior, but the reality is we wouldn’t be saying that if we weren’t trying to convince ourselves of that fact.

The lesson we all can learn is that there is no shame in needing someone. There is no fault in saying: “I can’t do this life thing all on my own.” There is nothing wrong with thinking that two strong hearts are better than one.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of living up to this ideal. More than that—I’m simply tired of being strong.

I long to be taken care of, not financially, for that sort of thing has never turned my head for very long, but I want a strong arm around my shoulders, someone who can hold me down, no matter the storm I endured that day.

I’m done with pretending anything. I’m done with pretending that I am so formidable.

I’m simply done with being strong when the reality is, more often than not, I feel like I’m not being myself—playing a charade of feminism.

That’s not to downplay who we are and what we deserve as women, but there’s also something to be said for embracing who we are and what feels the most natural for us. There’s something to be said for being soft.

These words are those that I ran from for so long because it seemed they had a negative connotation. After all, I was supposed to aspire to lead the ranks and smash the glass ceiling, right? It wasn’t supposed to be enough for me in this life to simply love and be loved.

And so I spun my own misery by successfully pretending that I was strong. Everyone eventually believed me. When that began to happen a sore opened inside my heart with the devastating knowledge that I could only fake it for so long.

I give up.

Not because I have failed, but because I have learned. Can I do anything, or be anyone that I need to in that moment? Yes—but does that mean I am meant to? No. I can’t do it all. At this point I am done trying.

I am done being this infallible woman who seems to be able to do anything, and whether it’s in the workplace, with family or friends, even my role as a mother—I just can’t do it any longer.

I can’t pretend that I have this ability to do it all, and not just that, but with a smile on my face. I can’t pretend I don’t need anyone to help me—that’s all I want.

Life isn’t about faking it until we make it, it’s about letting ourselves be real with what we need and want and then being willing to bleed for it.

It’s about feeling rather than thinking, and it’s about simply giving in to the passions within our hearts, and the softness of arms that feel like home. Without those things, what is the point of any of this, if it’s not to need another?

Perhaps as more time passes I’m becoming immune to being someone that others only want to see, or maybe the reality is that I’ve never been good at that. But, it seems that I’ve just grown exhausted from pretending that I am this strong.

It’s not that I am weak, but sometimes, it’s those of us that are the strongest, that end up needing someone the most.

I’m seeing that’s where I am now.

Don’t we all need someone who’s just a little bit stronger than we are? Someone who can kiss it where it hurts and hug us like nothing else matters.

Someone who can remind us that we don’t really need to be that strong—all the time.

[alltimel0w]

August 31st, 2017 // 

We’ve all caught ourselves stumbling through our days not knowing where in the hell we will go next. Many of us battle this feeling of “lost” on a day-to-day basis. For me, this sensation has been capturing my thoughts and taking over my life all too often. As of recent, I have been walking around aimlessly with no direction. Questioning every action that comes to life, even writing this piece. I question what sentence will follow this one. I am at a vulnerable point in my life. College is essential for my future, my future is something that comes up way too often for me. Hearing the questions of what’s my plan and where am I going in life? Where am I going in life? What the hell, I couldn’t even tell you what I plan to eat for dinner, let alone where I see myself in five years. The honest is truth is I don’t know.

Unsettling is the word that comes to mind when I start to indulge into deep thought about my existence. I don’t have a direction that is one thing I am certain of. In my mind there is a gray area, a section of life that I don’t exactly understand, for anyone who knows me, I try to understand everything.

As a junior in college I came into my third year dead set on becoming a teacher, but now I have become unsure. To be honest with you, it's frightening. This is the year we dive head first into our major. Meanwhile, I am swimming back to the surface searching for the life support. I am certain I am not unique with all these feelings. What 20-year-old can honestly answer the question: "What do you want to do for the rest of your life?" It's an absurd question, the only ones who can answer it are the ones who are lying to themselves.

No one knows what's going to happen next, not in today's world. Our lives are constantly being refreshed and updated. Every time we open our phones or turn on the TV, there is a life changing event occuring. One that will guide us down a new path, some of us will recognize it and others won’t. The most intelligent people in our society are the ones that know they cannot understand everything around them. They are the ones that realize there is a gray area floating around their existence. Yet, they are comfortable with it. People like that want to walk into that unknown and discover what they are missing.

I am constantly learning new things about myself, discovering more and more of who I am. The most sobering moment I have had in a while was when I realized I am lost in this big world. It really shook me up; it drove me into the ground for weeks and lately, I still feel like I'm there. 

I’ve felt as though I am spiraling out of control with no one to stop me. I discerned I was alone, having no one to understand what I am going through. For a while, I started to think no one would ever understand me. A kid who has no direction with a mind that never stops running coincided with an overwhelming personality. I began to think I was a burden to the people around me. That is a lot to swallow, especially, for a junior in college. And yes, it sucks. 

For those who do not know where they are going, it’s okay. For those who believe that this world is too much at times just remember you’re not alone. And for those who believe they are a weight on everyone else's shoulders just remember to tell them that life is a gym membership with a really confusing cancellation policy. On top of everything, never stop being yourself because there is only one of you.

[alltimel0w]

August 29th, 2017// I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine

[alltimel0w]

July 18th, 2017 // 

I find that, more often than not, I am harder on myself than others. I have a little voice in my head that is constantly putting me down; she tells me I'm not pretty enough, that I'm never going to be smart enough, that I’m not creative enough and that I don't have the courage or to put it in her words, the balls, to do what I really want to do. This voice never really goes away, but sometimes she'll disappear just long enough for me to be able to breathe. I take a deep breath in, realize how lucky I am to be where I am, how blessed I am to have the opportunities that I have each morning that I wake up, and have the friends I have. But this deep breath is only temporary, and soon, that little voice in my head will return and make me feel all sorts of things that I shouldn't. 

I'm not one to bottle my emotions inside; I will cry in my room and let it all out. But ever since I left for college and no longer have my own room, I have bottled them up, and I don't always let them out. Sometimes I don't want to deal with what I am feeling, and most of the time, I don't really know how to deal with them. I think that ignoring my problems or feelings until they go away or are nonexistent is the way to go but think about this: if you leave a gallon of milk in your fridge far past the expiration date, the only way that awful smell will go away is if you make the conscious decision to throw it away. 

I've always said that it's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply, but damn is that the truth. To feel the sharp pain in your chest, the sinking of your stomach, the lump in the back of your throat when you're fighting off tears; to feel the butterflies in your tummy to even the warmth of a smile. Whether it's a feeling caused by someone hurting you, or someone loving, whether it's caused by a sad song on the radio or a song that reminds you of a best friend, whether it's a happy moment of celebration, or the honoring of those passed; to be able to feel anything, in any light, is amazing.

When I get sad or feel something other than happiness, I tend to shove those feelings away. I push them aside and decide that I'm not going to feel that way. But this isn't always healthy; it's not normal to not feel sad, or anxious, or angry. A lot of the times when I get worked up over something, it's usually something small. But I get upset about it; I sulk, and I shut people out. Sometimes those close to me tell me that I shouldn't feel the way I'm feeling, that what happened is not that big of a deal. 

It's okay to feel. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to admit that you're not okay. We live in a world today where people hide their true feelings; we portray ourselves as always happy, we are always smiling. We mask our true feelings with bad habits; we go out every night to drink the pain away, we find pleasure in false love and hope. But what we should be doing is feeling our sadness, our pain, our joy, our anger, our happiness. We should feel everything that comes our way and let it make us into the people we are meant to be.

And we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. We shouldn't be afraid to let someone know that we need them, that we need to just be held, or listened to. We shouldn't be afraid of our feelings; we should embrace them. Maybe if everyone felt how they really did, and acted on these feelings rather than hide them, we wouldn't be so damn sad and depressed. We would find the peace and joy in one another. We would be happy. Or at least, that's what I think.

I just have to learn to be okay with not being okay. All I’ve ever been told is that I need to get over it, or that my feelings don’t matter. I have to learn to ask for help when I need it and realize that my (2) friends care about me.

[alltimel0w]

June 20th, 2017 // 

I have this idea that if I don't tell other people my problems, then they won't worry about me and what I think about every day doesn't become real. More often than not lately, I have found myself in a constant pool of stress and emotion that when it comes time for me to talk about it all, I choose not to. I also have this idea that if I don't show the people I care about that I am sad, they won't be sad because of me. But that isn't always the case. 

Sometimes by removing myself and becoming distant, I only make the problem worse. Instead of me trying to save them, I lead them to believe that I don't need them.

My intentions are always good, but the execution is often misconceived.

When I choose to remain quiet, the silence becomes loud to the people that love me most. The absence of speech translates to a cry for help whether I want it to or not. I can't blame my friends and family for worrying about me from time to time, but sometimes it's just the trivial, everyday mishaps that become overbearingly disappointing when piled onto the already building heap of anxiety. A lot of my stress just comes with life and the never ending to-do list that I can never seem to catch up on.

I find that if I focus too much on one thing, I let another slip through the cracks... you can probably understand. If you're confused, here's a quick illustration: if I focus too much on friends, I don't pay enough attention to the work I need to do. If I work too much, I let my friendships struggle. If I pay too much attention to one relationship, another begins to crumble. Lately, I've been struggling to find the happy medium in anything. I know this all boils down to just being constantly overwhelmed and that it will all blow over soon, so this leads me to not feel the need to talk about everything that's going on in my chaotic mess of a brain.

My silence by no means indicates my disinterest in you, it's for my problems.

Life often seems like too much not only for me but really everyone; there are so many sayings that come with this notion: "When it rains it pours," "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...," and more. Everyone has their own issues and their own ways to deal with what is handed to them. I am not saying that my coping method is the best because, in reality, it is probably one of the worst. Alienating myself isn't solving any problems and in fact, engenders more by upsetting the people who care about me.

If you can learn from any of this, know that keeping your problems to yourself only seems like you are keeping secrets. By thinking that you are saving loved ones from your issues, you are only making them worry about you; they don't understand what is happening to you so they can't interpret how to help you. They are stuck trying to decipher between whether you need your space to help yourself or if they should be there holding your hand as you continue to fight. At the end of the day, they are by your side because they want to help.

I am learning this slowly, but I am trying.

[alltimel0w]

When you're broken, you'll mistake anything for glue

[alltimel0w]

April 19, 2017 // My sophomore year of college has definitely been an experience I'm incredibly thankful for and one that I'll never forget. I’ve been blessed with friendships that I never thought I would. However, it has really robbed me of something I have always prided myself on: my relationship with God. Before, I attended church pretty regularly. I have been going back and forth for a few years now. My family has never been super religious, but my parents instilled in me Christian values and always taught me that God loves me no matter what. Well, to be quite frank, the past few months I have never believed that statement to be farther from the truth. Between the declining health of family members and my own health deteriorating by the second, I can't help but feel a little abandoned. I hate to have that "why me?" attitude, but really, why me? Why now when I have exams and homework and more stress than I've experienced in my entire life knocking on my door? Why add in a few more blows when I already feel like I've hit rock bottom? I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, but man sometimes I feel like he severely overestimates my stress threshold.  This semester has brought up new challenges in my life: problems I never thought I would face again, and have no idea how to solve. If you know me at all, you know the worst thing in the world for me is when I feel helpless. I feel like my duty on this planet is just to fix everything and everyone, so when I can't fix something, I think the world is crashing down. I contribute the majority of these instances to the fact that I've drifted so far away from God. Instead of taking time to myself to really enjoy life, I've been doing what I think I should be doing as a college sophomore. This year has changed me from this carefree, life-loving girl who didn't care about anyone else's opinion to a person that is struggling everyday. I have turned into the kind of girl that I hate, but it's not too late for me to reverse the damage. I know that God has not abandoned me. I have turned my back on him. You know that saying "you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped?" Well that definitely applies to God helping you along in your life. He cannot provide you with the guidance you need unless you are actively seeking him and turning to him for help. I been looking and praying and seeking him, but I still feel so empty. We are not meant to face this life alone. We need a little help along the way every once in a while. Stop turning your back on God and ask for his help, because with his hands working in your life everything will be better.

[alltimel0w]

April 4th, 2017

// “You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. and when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life.”

[alltimel0w]

March 28,2017

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to be happy again. Happy with my life and myself. I wonder when my heart will not to ache I wonder when I will feel like I have worth I wonder when I will not feel like the dumbest in the group I wonder when I will stop putting in so much effort into friendships I wonder when people will start to care for me as much as I care for them I wonder when people will stop taking advantage of me I wonder when my friends will understand that sometimes words hurt I wonder if my friends ever look in my eyes, and I mean truly look in my eyes and realize that I'm hurting sometimes. I wonder when I won't be shy I wonder when I will stop being quiet and closed off I wonder when I will trust again I wonder if I will trust again I wonder if some friendships are going to last I wonder when I will stop fearing that some friendships won't last I probably sound like a depressed freak. I have good days, but I also have bad days (like any normal human would) but the thing that makes me different is I express it. You see, most people are embarrassed to say how they really feel, but I just write it all because I'm human and I feel things.

[alltimel0w]

March 24,2017

2:14AM // I'm so hurt. I feel so broken and lost. This whole week has been beyond stressful. I think I've gotten a total of 12 hours of sleep in the past few days. I have so much fear and anxiety built up, that I don't know what to do with it. All I can do is go day by day acting like everything is fine. Sure I open up every now and then, laugh, and smile- but I don't think they could take it if they really knew. I'm tired of crying. I want to be happy. All I ever want is to be happy. I want everything to be okay again. If I lose you, they lose me too.

[alltimel0w]

March 22nd, 2017

I’m the girl

I’m the girl that that constantly takes care of everyone but herself.

The girl that stays up all night to console a heart broken friend.

The girl that swallows her own feelings to support her friend’s new relationship.

The girl who knows by a Tweet exactly how her friends are doing.

The girl that cares so much for others and forgets to care for herself.

The girl who has all of this love to give.

The girl that when she needs her own time to chill and recharge her friends get mad.

The girl that gets taken advantage of.

The girl that goes with the flow because she doesn’t want to be too much.

[alltimel0w]

March 20th, 2017

I’m the one

I’m the one that always gives more than receiving. 

The one that forgives one more time than anyone else. 

The one that tends to fall more than stand. The one that often gets pushed and knocked down without others taking notice. 

The one that walks around with a smile on my face, but simultaneously has a heart that is aching. 

The one that never wants to admit defeat, because my strength inspires others to keep going. 

The one that would give up on me before anyone else. 

The one that often forgets my own importance, but sees the light that shines through others. 

[alltimel0w]

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It’s not even worth it anymore to be honest

[alltimel0w]

February 17,2017

I haven’t cut in over two months. Good for me, right?

That doesn’t mean that I still don’t think about it. Surprised I haven’t with everything going on.

[alltimel0w]

February 17th,2017 //

  Throughout my teenage and adult years, I’ve become acquainted with a little demon called apathy. Apathy is not the same as depression; it is not a mental illness, it’s just one of those annoying things that happen from time to time. I’ve found that when my sense of purpose is lost, apathy settles in, and I’m unsure where to move or what is best to do in the given situation. Apathy is immobilizing and draining; it takes everything to care enough to respond to a friendly message or even an unfriendly one, simply because putting effort into anything seems pointless. Apathy is a heavy weight that nestles into my ribcage and squishes everything else to the sides. It suffocates and barricades the walls of my mind with repetitions of how nothing I do will make a difference. Apathy doesn’t stop because I want it to, apathy stops when I do something and commit to it.   You see, apathy latches on when there is no greater purpose to absorb my attention; it sees a hole and fills it. Apathy holds you down and tells you not to bother getting up, there’s nothing to see or do anyway. So you lay there, wondering why we do anything. What are emotions for, anyway. In my various bouts with apathy, I’ve come to realize it’s usefulness. Apathy takes away my feeling, it desensitizes me to pretty much everything, good or bad, and I just kind of move. That’s if I don’t analyze why I lack feeling, which I do. I have always wondered why I lack so much emotion most of the time and then feel it all at once. It’s so much easier not to feel, rather than to feel. Without apathy, I don’t think I would appreciate love, pain, happiness, or sorrow the way I can.   Apathy may be a demon that holds me down, but maybe letting it hold me down is what I need to understand why it’s there in the first place. So maybe apathy is evil, but maybe it’s also a necessary evil that points us to good. This post might be confusing and seem a bit odd, and I don’t expect many to understand or relate.

[alltimel0w]

February 15, 2017 //

I have a place I like to go to in the woods, or you can call it what you want. I haven’t gone as much this year as I used to last year, but it’s a place I still visit from time to time. I got to return a few days ago, and I just sat there and thought about life. I was thinking about all the curveballs that have been thrown at me and how life sure does like to throw curveballs at us when we least expect it. The curveballs come when we feel the most comfortable and secure. They cause us to have to face the fear of the unknown for the different road we are going down than what originally was planned for. The unknown is scary to think about because it is a consistent aspect of life that can never be controlled. It affects everyone no matter what their age or where they are currently are in their lives. That unknown can create this overwhelming mix of feelings between being scared and stressed for what it is changing. This is a new challenge in front of us, and we like to stay where it may feel safe. No one wants to step outside of their comfort zone. These unknowns may be a challenge to overcome, but in the end, we will come out stronger and learn a new side of ourselves that we may not have known about before. We may want to be mad at God for allowing this unknown to occur, but God does not give us more than he knows we can handle. He is always there to catch us when we fall and help rebuild us up again. Trusting God during these times of uncertainty can be scary, but when we let go of that fear, we can accomplish anything with Him. We are not meant to battle anything by ourselves because we have a Father who will be there for every mountain we have to climb.