Keep Me Hanging On
According to my Instagram, 52 weeks ago I was eating an ice cream sundae, painstakingly assembled by my then boyfriend in an effort to cheer out of me what had been a brutal day. Two weeks prior I had woken him up from a couch slumber to utter the most terrifying words for any 20-something man in Brooklyn. "I'm pregnant." I'll never forget the look on his face as he struggled with consciousness and the sobriety of those words and managed to muster the phrase, "Well, what do you want to do?" The ice cream sundae was a small token of gratitude for making the trip to Planned Parenthood.
Its been a hard fucking year. I can't remember the last day I didn't tear up or feel like absolutely everything is beyond my control. I'm living with a constant lump in my throat and in the midst of it all, being held up by an army of friends that are demonstrating love to me in the most overwhelming ways. I can't see through my sadness or the mess that is my life right now, but they can and because I know that years like this, when it all falls to shit, somehow brings out the best in us all, I feel as though I need to document the depth of this hurt so that I never forget it, but don't live in it either.
The boyfriend and I broke up officially two months later, but continued to live in a fucked up world where we dated each other casually, stopping and starting like there was never this world that we were partners in. Like that evening with an ice cream sundae, it was the best and the worst. But ultimately, love can't live in purgatory and I couldn't keep hanging on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKQbcJyVKR0