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[almosthappy2395]

my lost baby

About two months ago i had a miscarrage. Shocking to me. It made me feel like a total failure, because my body rejected my baby. I had only told my fiance and his mother. My daughter had no idea, andd she is only three. However around three weeks after this had happened, My daughter had begun to tell me that her little brother was up in the sky. To which i asked her in Heaven. She always tells me yes, in heaven. it is strange to think that she can know about such things. However she apparently does. It always makes me a little upset at the fact that she gets to know about her little brother and i do not. I always feel bad for mothers that have lost a baby, and now i unfortunatly know just how tragic it really is. Even though i was only about 12 weeks along it still affects me. I love all my babies, incluing the one in heaven <3

[almosthappy2395]

The past

Everyone gets depressed, everyone goes through things that they think that they won't come out of. Not alot of people like to talk about things , but dont realize just how much talking can help.

The first time that I self harmed was in the 8th grade. It was more of an expirement to what all the fuss was about. I was so angry, and confused that I tried it. It made the pain go away. It made me calm down. It was bliss. It was addicting. I hid it well even from my mother, who im sure could be an excellent detective. However there was a period of time that I really seriously was depressed, andd I had alreasy been cutting over stupid things that I got a little carried away. My arms were covered. Nobody really knew a thing, nor did they care. Or so I thought. One day my mother saw a glimps, and lost her shit. She yelled at me and told me that if she saw it again then she would personally check me in at the crazy hospital. I stoped for a little while. Did I really want to go to a crazy hospital, with people who wanted to kill themselve, didnt want to live? Did I want to kill myself? Was I suicidal? The more I pondered the questions the more I realized that I wasnt as bad off as some of those boys and girls who decided that they didnt need to live anymore.

However that was just the begining of my journey with this.