Aloha April

[alohaapril]

Coined

A wind-up toy not fully wound is a glass of refreshment that doesn't refresh you. Empty and gassed out, hardly as easy to pour into a tank, and hardly as costly.

It's a funny thing to see such a toy scooch along. There is no question about the next push forward, it's automatic. Obviously.

Man or Toy. Two sides of the same coin. It sounds true, but can you really say that In Good Conscious?

[alohaapril]

Maybe

The way we dare to feel and live every day is our own unique protest against or for the world.

No need for interpretation or analysis, because as we all know, there is no right way to look at a thing of wonder.

You just ask if wonder is there is or not.

[alohaapril]

The Unexaminable

What kind of joke is this? Something that is alive from nothing? You do something as simple as breath and it's there? I must not be the only one?!

It feels me with awe! Even the surface is deep! The best thing since nostalgia! Can only be ruined unanimously!

It's Poetry!

Impossible! Absurd! Accessible! Neglected..

Us.

[kadenjwdraws]

Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle!

[alohaapril]

She carried a flame with her that was so pure. So naïve. Yet seeing her carry it with such pride, such diligence and prudence was enough to inspire even the monks of the temples. The spark in her eyes were begging to be challenged, to add more fuel to her fire.

But you hope it never does.

[alohaapril]

Saddest Truth

Beyond everything with a clear mind: You look out and see glimpses of a world that loves itself, and you can't decide if that's scary or not.

[alohaapril]

Functional Integrity

To know what it is that ought to be done To know that in a sea of things to be done The best thing to do is to look at nothing while doing something.

For when you look at nothing something fades When something fades it becomes a sea that you float on while basking in the sun a feeling that there is no end and you have not begun.

Those pesky things that want some become heavy in one lump sum so while you drift at sea and rock the boat just remember that you can always float.

[alohaapril]

Escaping Oblivion

Not a mountain to be scaled But a unclimbable wall of marble What will I tell myself this time? The wall behind approaches

Upwards a taunting sky Providing no hooks or hints It looks into you like a careless mentor or mother The wall behind screeches

Defeated you turn back and look at the whaling wall It comes not to end you, but to take you back Back to the place where suffering does not exist Where survival is your only friend Just as abusive as suffering but not as cruel as the sky But at least it tells you what you need to hear

The wall ahead approaches feet away You put your hands up and brace the wall of against your clammy hands Place your knees to meet the texture of gravel it impresses upon you And with all your strength and leveraged bone It reflexes trying to break you

You feel the agony of the past with the future to your back You struggle to crawl along the stone wall Not climbing, hiking or flying, but crawling Blood and infection oozing down the stone Back kept straight by the marble Eyes on the sky

It begins to go gray As it does You look down You’ve made it so far

[alohaapril]

Longed Regretted Hope

TW: Visceral details.

What if Sisyphus misses yesterday and is excited for tomorrow? 

What if he decided that he was not being punished, but was given the greatest gift in existence?

No Clergy from before 0 BC, or in Washington DC, can tell me how it oughta be.

“One must imagine Sisyphus happy” -Albert Camus, is who said in 1942, the formula for a top notch attitude is one who can do something pointless and unchanging with no omega.

A quarter of ones life, more, it may take to see this way. Something sought by many.

But you know me, it’s not enough. You see, it’s all the stages of grief from denial to submission. Why do most tears come from god-loving ass kissing?

Why settle for some Luciferian myth with a fake ass task. Inconsequential as can be. Why not go all the way, a underdog rebel who is being waterboarded all day. A slave being cracked with a whip, seven year olds who don’t get lucky and never will, livestock who have zero will? Can we see them as happy?

Being and beings being bent over to meet a wicked end have a consequence, make no mistake there is no repentance. It makes something rotten that people want to ignore, the more and the more, all that much closer to their core.

No not happy, anything but that. But I must say, if there is anything that I am beginning to understand, something that may go hand in hand. Not the smartest thing you’ll see, but if fuck you and fuck me, then.

When the storm storms, and it is done storming, I will miss the storm and nothing more. For whatever comes my way next from wherever it came, I am eager to meet it. For I know the previous storm, so I can know the next.

[alohaapril]

Dodging and Pulling

Turning a hurdled at the eye brick, into a revolving celestial object where you are the Sun.

To be the Sun, who would dare of such a thing. Anyone, apparently. But they are not the sun, they are just one, which is why they hire someone else to take the brunt of the bricks, and violently so.

Regardless most spend their time dodging the bricks, the bricks made of who knows what, though not all that human. If they were human we’d gladly take it to the face, and maybe it wouldn’t be so heavy, or so gross.

The bricks are omnipresent, and come when we see them, they do not belong to us. But maybe. We can make them, a little bit our own, treat them like children. Make brick houses with brick food and brick shampoo.

Catching and throwing bricks like a mad man, is just as crazy as grinding them to dust, making a “purified” brick. He said while sipping his chardonnay in a silver chalice.

If you spend your whole life dodging and pulling, you won’t ever be able to throw a brick of your own. Why would you want to? Said the slow loser.

Maybe just maybe, if you could handle the biggest bricks of them all, you wouldn’t have a reason to complain. Oh to find the biggest brick, as if you’d be able to handle it. Start with small bricks, and build your way up.

But the bricks revolve, you ARE the Sun, your Sun. In your orbit bricks travel, going and coming around.

How can we be as certain as THE Sun? Does the Sun have faith? Does the Sun have to breath? Is the Sun itself a brick?

Not all bricks are the same. We welcome the rotation of some while detest the existence of others. The most we can do is pray that we will make the most of the bricks while we can. Hell, maybe even make a brick of our own.

[alohaapril]

Feathers fall in Spring. That is where they belong. The prickling in shoes, could be a rock or dirt or sand, which is always there, but unless it’s a feather, then it’s not worth pondering why it’s there. It’s there because it is, or was Spring. Though even in Spring, you always ask, how the fuck did this feather get in my shoe?

[alohaapril]

Hiatus From Insanity

To be so deeply understanding of oneself, is paid in knowing just how much no one will ever understand you. A person may know how and why you react to certain things in a certain way, but the weight of reality will forever keep distance between individuals, if not due to one’s own personal reasons, then because of the personal limitations we are all subject to.

“Born in the wrong generation” some say. A phrase that could potentially build bridges, and yet is commonly a signal to burn one before it is even built. If it were worded as “I feel like I don’t belong” there would be a more mixed reaction, naturally. You would see reactions, that if you were to analyze for benefit, even if you put the expected filth generated by filthy minds to side, and look at the most earnest responses, at best you will find something that makes you moderately better. At worst you will only find something you have known for a long time.

There are so many pit falls a lone person could fall into, and we usually fall into a comfortable lie. For example, many geniuses in history have been ostracized from their peers and superiors, maybe I am just here too early, maybe years and decades from now, maybe just after death, I will be recognized for my aptitude, that’ll make right now tolerable. Being a genius and being born ahead of your time, are not necessarily the same thing, but I am trying to make a point.

Perhaps it is environment that would make you feel like you belong. One that has that oh so fabled tribe. There is infinite access to tribes on the internet, and yet in all of them there are comfortable lies. Our estimations of reality that we do not want to push past. Most of which goes unchallenged because of how much we guard it, but when it comes to humanity you can bet that people will find your buttons, and some if not most will push them unapologetically for something as meaningless as social political points. 

Maybe its own comfortable lie, my setup so far is admittingly pessimistic. I am a pragmatist after all. I do not mind romanticism and drama, so long as it’s real and has purpose. I have run out of profound shit to say you see. I am happy 70-80% of the day- it is only at night or alone where I realize that I am in fact all alone. I feed on the emotional responses I give others, unable to truly feel a connection with many, and those that I do feel a connection with are highly social people who have mastered the art of being sociable and put me aside when I challenge their comfortable lies.

Am I the asshole? I tolerate so much shit, do not say a word 80% of the time, only talk when it is important, or I think something will be funny. When I do talk people realize they cannot challenge my comfortable lies and they switch to see what will. Had one friend tell me “there’s no point in bothering with people like you” which confused me because they seemed engaged in the conversation, but now I plainly see as a failed jab at me. I have not heard from them since.

Is niceness the answer? Is it love? Are these not comfortable lies? Is that part of my comfortable lie? Does it stem from a problem of self-love? Am I lovable? Is any human being lovable, beyond loss and pleasure? I guess that is unfair. People for example will claim that they wish a person the best, like an ex-partner. Maybe one might say this genuinely, or to take the moral highroad (personally both) but put drinks in them and they may spill bad blood, perhaps in the least, hopes for equalization, justice that they feel what you felt.

Transcendence, self-improvement, accession. These in the very least are lies worth telling. Society has come a long way, and it keeps a lot of us from dying every day, so you would be dumb not to say it is a worthy lie. But how we go about accession, reveals other lies we tell ourselves. I can posit logic and tell you that it is the only failproof way to rid yourself of lies, but it just points to someone who is fed up with ostensibly irrational things, and points you to lies of what I believe logic is and is not.

So here we are. I have found something moderately better, I still don’t feel like I belong, and I’m going to tell myself it’s because I’m a genius. So many other themes I skated over, just to reinforced the lies I came in with, with not more than a couple sentences dedicated to what I’ve pushed aside. I am no different.

I suppose maybe, I have gained a little more self-love. For being there for myself, and not giving up. It’s a shame I’m gonna negate it with: nah-nevermind, I wouldn’t dare. There wouldn’t be a satisfying conclusion anyways, I’ll take the win, definitively.