To be so deeply understanding of oneself, is paid in knowing just how much no one will ever understand you. A person may know how and why you react to certain things in a certain way, but the weight of reality will forever keep distance between individuals, if not due to one’s own personal reasons, then because of the personal limitations we are all subject to.
“Born in the wrong generation” some say. A phrase that could potentially build bridges, and yet is commonly a signal to burn one before it is even built. If it were worded as “I feel like I don’t belong” there would be a more mixed reaction, naturally. You would see reactions, that if you were to analyze for benefit, even if you put the expected filth generated by filthy minds to side, and look at the most earnest responses, at best you will find something that makes you moderately better. At worst you will only find something you have known for a long time.
There are so many pit falls a lone person could fall into, and we usually fall into a comfortable lie. For example, many geniuses in history have been ostracized from their peers and superiors, maybe I am just here too early, maybe years and decades from now, maybe just after death, I will be recognized for my aptitude, that’ll make right now tolerable. Being a genius and being born ahead of your time, are not necessarily the same thing, but I am trying to make a point.
Perhaps it is environment that would make you feel like you belong. One that has that oh so fabled tribe. There is infinite access to tribes on the internet, and yet in all of them there are comfortable lies. Our estimations of reality that we do not want to push past. Most of which goes unchallenged because of how much we guard it, but when it comes to humanity you can bet that people will find your buttons, and some if not most will push them unapologetically for something as meaningless as social political points.
Maybe its own comfortable lie, my setup so far is admittingly pessimistic. I am a pragmatist after all. I do not mind romanticism and drama, so long as it’s real and has purpose. I have run out of profound shit to say you see. I am happy 70-80% of the day- it is only at night or alone where I realize that I am in fact all alone. I feed on the emotional responses I give others, unable to truly feel a connection with many, and those that I do feel a connection with are highly social people who have mastered the art of being sociable and put me aside when I challenge their comfortable lies.
Am I the asshole? I tolerate so much shit, do not say a word 80% of the time, only talk when it is important, or I think something will be funny. When I do talk people realize they cannot challenge my comfortable lies and they switch to see what will. Had one friend tell me “there’s no point in bothering with people like you” which confused me because they seemed engaged in the conversation, but now I plainly see as a failed jab at me. I have not heard from them since.
Is niceness the answer? Is it love? Are these not comfortable lies? Is that part of my comfortable lie? Does it stem from a problem of self-love? Am I lovable? Is any human being lovable, beyond loss and pleasure? I guess that is unfair. People for example will claim that they wish a person the best, like an ex-partner. Maybe one might say this genuinely, or to take the moral highroad (personally both) but put drinks in them and they may spill bad blood, perhaps in the least, hopes for equalization, justice that they feel what you felt.
Transcendence, self-improvement, accession. These in the very least are lies worth telling. Society has come a long way, and it keeps a lot of us from dying every day, so you would be dumb not to say it is a worthy lie. But how we go about accession, reveals other lies we tell ourselves. I can posit logic and tell you that it is the only failproof way to rid yourself of lies, but it just points to someone who is fed up with ostensibly irrational things, and points you to lies of what I believe logic is and is not.
So here we are. I have found something moderately better, I still don’t feel like I belong, and I’m going to tell myself it’s because I’m a genius. So many other themes I skated over, just to reinforced the lies I came in with, with not more than a couple sentences dedicated to what I’ve pushed aside. I am no different.
I suppose maybe, I have gained a little more self-love. For being there for myself, and not giving up. It’s a shame I’m gonna negate it with: nah-nevermind, I wouldn’t dare. There wouldn’t be a satisfying conclusion anyways, I’ll take the win, definitively.