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Battling A Lot of Fears;

Dear Diary,

So it's been a while, and there's a lot to say, I guess. Keith and I broke up for a little bit (24 hours so really not that long) but in that time I went through a lot of heartbreak and horrible pain. It was just awful -- I couldn't eat, I could hardly sleep...

Anyway, we broke up for that short period of time because there were a lot of little things in our relationship that we just weren't addressing. We let it all build up until we felt stuck. I say we, but it was mostly him. There were things wrong with him and the way he was acting, but I was fine with it, because the good is worth the bad, you know?

He said he just felt stuck, and that I had become someone really different from when we first started dating. I had become really codependent and insecure, and I was treating him like a counselor, expecting validation from him when that's not his job. It was putting strain on him and the relationship, and it just wasn't good.

So basically, we talked it out, we agreed that I needed to change, and ended up breaking up, and he promised that if he ever wanted to get back together, he'd come and talk to me. Well, 24 hours later, he came back and we talked. He said he was crazy about me and made a huge mistake, and we got back together. I promised him that I would try to work things out with my anxiety and stuff, but he promised that he would always be there for me and support me. I'm really happy and I think this is a great time for me to make my life over, but I can't help but worry still.

I told him two days ago what I've been feeling: that I'm still scared that he might just turn around and break up with me again. Basically some trust has been broken and some security is gone, and it's hard for me to move forward. I've just got walls up and they're hard to bring down.

He's being so sweet, and telling me he loves me, and that we're soulmates, and he wants to spend forever with me, and it's just so hard for me to believe right now. I really really want to, and I know that he'd never lie to me. He has no reason to say those things other than actually meaning them.

It's just so hard to believe.

I've been so hurt, and I just... I can't bounce back as easily as he can. I desperately want to be wit him forever, and these past few days have been amazing. He's loving, and affectionate, and attentive, and it finally seems like he really cares. It's been a long time since he's been like this. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and cute in every single thing I do, and I'm so glad, and I just wish that I could enjoy it.

I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to make myself believe him. I want this trust to just hurry up and be back and fixed, but it's just not that fast. It'll take time, I know... I just don't want that, in that time, when I'm being all weird and guarded and afraid, I don't want him to leave me again.

I hate being ruled by this fear. I hate it so much, and I don't know how to escape it.

But I know I will know. I'll go to counseling, I'll take up kickboxing, I'll hang out with friends, and I'll learn how to be myself again. I'll be social and confident and strong again, and I'l love myself again. But right now, I can't love myself. I can't love someone who is ruled by fear like this. I want so much to be the person that I know I can be, and it's infuriating that I can't just become that right now. It'll take time -- all of this will take time. And I'm so terrified of losing Keith in that time.

If it was so easy for him to leave me, why wouldn't he just lose it again?

But it wasn't easy for him. He cried when we broke up, he spent the entire 24 hours wondering when he would come talk to me to try to get me back. He's been trying to hard to get me to trust him again.

He wouldn't do all this if he didn't love me.

So why can't I just get that through my head? Why does my brain just refute it and push my fears to the front? It's all irrational -- every one of my fears are refuted by logic and reason, and yet I still can't believe it.

I really need to stop saying can't.

I can. I will. I'll believe it, because it's true. He loves me, and that's a fact. It's that simple. It's just like Wes said -- the shortest solution is the right one. Keith acts like he loves me because he loves me -- short and simple and true.

One day, I won't have to convince myself -- I'll just believe it. I can't wait for that day.

#;neg #;pos

Little Hints;

Dear Diary,

I'm doing that thing again, where I stay up really late because I don't want tomorrow to happen. I really don't know why. My relationship with Keith is flawless -- he's the most incredible man in the world and is treating me so well and everything is so great that I can't possibly be depressed about it. Sure, my insecurities get to me sometimes, but I don't think that's it.

I'm probably just really stressed. After all, there's plenty to be stressed about. My college still hasn't figured out my financial aid, so I still can't register for my classes, and they're mostly entirely filled up. I could have gotten into most of the ones I wanted if the school wasn't dragging its balls with this stuff. I don't know what's going on, so tomorrow I'll try to figure it out.

It's also just assignments, too. I'm really preoccupied -- I don't want to go to class, I don't want to do all these assignments; I have a close reading due, a 5 page group project paper thing, yadda yadda... Just a whole lot to do, and I'm not always certain on the specifics of everything... It's just stressful. And then I'm not sure what's going on with my job -- I don't think I'm fired? I'm still on their emailing list, but the time swiper won't read my ID card anymore and I don't know why -- it's as if I've been taken out of the system, which would be awful... I don't know. It's weird and confusing. I'll just keep going to work for the rest of the semester, see what goes on, and if I'm fired, then I'll just have to get another job somewhere else.

So school and money, basically. I just want to do whatever I want without ever having to worry about money. I know that's childish, but it's what I want, and it's stressful that I do have to worry about these things. I'll figure it all out, I'm sure, but it doesn't make things any less frustrating.

Ugh, these little hints of depression suck the worst. I have to stave it off, you know? Recognize it and then fight it, like some disease or something. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this, you know? It just makes everything worse. Oh well -- I'm strong, and I can handle it.

Love,

Hannah

#;neg #;pos

Apologies & Thanks

Dear Diary,

I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. I hate weakness in all its forms, and all I can see in myself right now if weakness. I'm 98% sure I just lost my job, and it's all my own fault so I'm not really that broken up about it since I did this to myself, but it's still upsetting and ruins a lot of plans I was making. I'm sure everything will work out just fine, but that doesn't take away how disheartened I am right now.

So, being disheartened, I asked Keith to come over and spend some time with me. He makes me happy, and I really need him right now. But thinking about that, I'm just... It's like I'm using him as a crutch. I can't make myself happy on my own -- my happiness is directly tied to how much time I spend with him. If I don't see him, I get unhappy more and more until I see him again. Lately I've been better, but now it's getting worse again, and I'm sure it'll continue in this manner for a while. At least until I get used to the college transition -- and I just hope that's soon.

But as I'm thinking about it... Is it possible to really be entirely your own person in a relationship? I know that it's probably unbalanced how much I'm tied to Keith, and I should get more happy with myself in general rather than relying on him to make me happy, but I feel like when you pledge your heart to someone, you do give a bit of yourself up. You are tied to them, no matter what. It's a vulnerability that you give -- that's what scares a lot of people out of love, I think.

So perhaps I'm just ultra vulnerable right now, and I know that needs to change. But what's wonderful is the knowledge that Keith will always be there for me, even when I do need to use him as a happiness boost. He'll be there when I'm happy, sad, or angry, and he'll be glad to be there.

I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. So often, I can't believe that he's here -- that my life, as horrible as it's been for so long, could actually take this turn. That I could be so happy. That somehow I deserve him. That someone so perfect can love me so much. It's really just astounding.

I'm thankful for him every single day.

...I feel a little better now. Thinking about how wonderful he is always cheers me up a bit. Now to spend some time with him.

Love,

Hannah

#;pos #;neg

Take Up Your Sword

Dear Diary,

Alright, I've been talking to a friend, and it's time to fight back. It might not work completely, but it's a start, and I'll go while my morale is strong.

Keith loves me. I know that. I know that because he tells me he loves me all the time. Because he promises to tell me if anything is wrong all the time, and tells me that because he isn't saying anything is wrong, that means nothing is wrong. He tells me I'm beautiful, cute, sexy. He touches my hair or my back in class, whispers little things to me in class, squeezes me when he works out because he loves touching me. He sings around me and not anyone else, kisses and snuggles me, watches Breaking Bad with me, does homework with me, spends almost all his free time with me because he wants to. He buys me necklaces and pays for my food and asks me to dances in the most romantic, fairytale ways because he loves me. And I have no reason to ever doubt that.

As for my friends, friendship takes time. It doesn't happen instantly. I still have a whole semester to learn about these friends, and hang out with them. Sure, I need to work a little hard to plan things to make sure they don't slip away -- but even if they do, there will be others. I'll meet people in other classes and we'll have things in common and we'll be friends. I am a nice, personable, funny, creative, passionate person, and if I want to make friends, then I definitely can. People don't look at me and think "weird" -- they look at me and think "pretty, stylish, nice, smart".

When my thoughts start dogging me again, I'll either remember this, or read it over again, and believe it because it is true.

#;pos

Anxiety is Crippling

Dear Diary,

My anxiety is at its peak. I haven't felt this way since Miami, when I sat in bed and looked up meditation videos on youtube so I wouldn't give in to a panic attack. I don't think that will work this time, though. Last time, all I had to do was tell myself that I was talented and beautiful, and that everything was okay. That I'm a good, great, wonderful person, and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. I wish, this time, it were that easy.

For the past week or so -- possibly a tad less -- I've been horrified, day in and day out. I was nauseous earlier today, though luckily I'm able to keep food down. Headaches are dogging me, my heart rate will spike at any negative thought, and I'm having trouble breathing steadily. I have to actively stop myself from hyperventilating. It's easy to fake it when I'm around my friends, but Keith isn't fooled as easily.

It's Keith that's the main source. Keith, my boyfriend of almost 2 years, and I am absolutely terrified that he doesn't love me -- or at least as much as he used to. It's all with little comments -- just this morning, he got nearly offended that we were called a "unit". I know he was joking, but it still hurt when he said we weren't. And then when Lindsey said we were cute together because we look out for each other -- "we're not that cute" was the response.

Just stab me while you're at it.

I know what he's trying to do -- when we're around our new friends, he wants to downplay how 'couple-y' we are. That way we don't scare them off. Because when we're sitting around and he hasn't so much as looked at me in five minutes, I'll grab his arm or scoot closer or give him a little kiss on the cheek, and he'll push me away. I know people aren't as okay with PDA as I am -- I think it's something to be celebrated, because hell, people are in love. That's wonderful! So they should be able to express it, whether they're in public or not. I draw the line at kissing with tongue, because I do find that inappropriate for public and it's definitely awkward for others, but a few little pecks and sitting close shouldn't be harmful, right? Sure, I've been a little overboard, but I don't know... I don't want to not have friends just because we're dating, and that's what it feels like. Like he'd rather be friends with them than pay attention to me.

The more he pushes me away, the harder I cling, and it just becomes this horrible, vicious cycle, and I can just feel everything around me breaking and the two of us getting more and more distant. I can feel it in the way he doesn't hold my hand when our friends are around, in the way that he dismisses me and doesn't laugh at my silly bad jokes and doesn't smile at me or call me cute. He thinks a little hand squeeze or halfhearted, quick lift and lowering of his lips is enough. It's not. I can't handle that, especially now, when in my fractured mind, our relationship is hanging by a thread.

I know none of it is true, but I just can't stop thinking. My thoughts aren't my own anymore -- they're like cars chasing me down a dark street and all I can do is run but their headlights are always on me and their engines are in my ears. They circle me and race past me and I'm surrounded, and all I want to do is curl up and cry and try to breathe. I feel claustrophobic when I'm outside. I'm in my dorm room and I'm heaving breath because my lungs feel constrained.

Over the weekend, on Saturday night, I had a panic attack, and I was laying in his arms, hyperventilating, sobbing hysterically, burying my face between his chest and armpit because I didn't want him to see me. I wanted the comfort that he brings me, and I desperately wanted him to keep holding, but I didn't want him to see me like that. See the crazy girl that he's been with for so long, that he says he wants to be with -- but who would want to be with me? A clingy, anxious, depressed mess. He deserves someone so much better, so much more stable, and I know I can't provide that. I don't want to bring him down with me, but at the same time, I need him. I don't know what I'd do without him. So I'm horrified that he'll leave me, but at the same time I almost want him to. So he can be free of me.

And then my new friends... I hope they like me. I don't think they do. I think Lindsey does. She's really nice, and surprisingly funny, and seems like a really sympathetic and caring person. I think Molly likes me. We're going to watch The Vampire Diaries together, so hopefully we can become more solid friends through that. Sarah is nice, but I don't think she considers me a friend -- yet or ever, really. I insulted the Hunger Games the first time we had a conversation, and she adores it. Keith said I was being mean, and I wasn't trying to be, just expressing my opinion, but I wonder if she thinks I'm mean now. I really hope not. Natalie seems really nice, but I feel like if I do something wrong at all, she'll hate me. I'm afraid that she judges me. I'm terrified that she likes Keith. They flirt all the time -- he texts people from her phone like he does with me, he talks with her the most out of anyone besides me, and she has my same hair color and is prettier than me... I like her, but at the same time, I hate her and I'm afraid of her, and I know it's not even for real reasons. I have to fight my initial fear of her because I know none of it is real, but I just get so scared.

I wish I could turn it all off. I am not suicidal, but I just want my anxiety to go away. I want to turn off these thoughts, all these thoughts that just keep coming and repeating themselves in my head that I can't stop. Keith doesn't love me. Keith wants to be away from me. My friends don't actually like me.

Everyone is annoyed by me and I'm just a burden on everyone.

I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to fight these thoughts. Depression is easy -- I just tell myself I'm great, force myself out of bed, and get moving, and then I can forget about it. This... every time Keith says an off comment, or forgets to say "I love you" when I say it to him, or someone doesn't laugh at one of my bad jokes, or I don't get invited to something, or a plan falls through, or I'm not part of a conversation -- they hate me they hate me they hate me.

Just... how do I stop it?

I'll figure it out. I have to. Or else my relationship with Keith will really be in jeopardy. I don't expect him to want to deal with me forever like this. I have to fix myself, and be someone stable and manageable for him, or else he'll leave. So I'll do what he says: I'll talk to him, and tell him any time I have a negative thought so he can reassure me. I wish I didn't have to, and I could just figure it out on my own, but every time I do I just bottle it all up and end up crying in his arms on the floor. So any negative thought, I'll tell him. I'll watch The Vampire Diaries instead of sitting around my dorm, wishing I was with him. I'll give him more alone time like he wants, and let him decide when we hang out. I'll figure out a way to fight these thoughts, and be better. I don't know how, but I've done it before, and I can do it again. All that matters is that he still loves me.

--Hannah

#;neg

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