A Long Time Coming

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[alongtimecoming]

I am 2 for 2 at nearly losing my children when finally extending independence!

A month or so ago with B, I let him ride his bike ahead of me and I was walking/jogging. My loop is down a P shaped dead end. He went right, I waved him as I hit the split, implying, “we’ll meet up!” and then we didn’t meet and I was like… FUUUUUUUCK and continued to run the circle, but he ended up turning around (so I never met up with him) when I didn’t follow behind him instead. And he waited back at the split and he cried and I nearly did but apologized that I made a miscommunication and he did the right thing.

Then today, I let J run back and take a picture of a cooler we were texting w C about buying for our trip. L shaped path, with racks in the middle. “We’ll meet at the cat litter” but she found us at the Hotweels because that was on the far side way of the main way nearly to the cat litter aisle. Also “took pics of a few things I’d like for my birthday list!” Cool. Oh, dad said yes get the cooler. “Can I get it?!” “Can you lift it? It’s light but maybe awkward” “yes” “okay”

A minute or two later, I was like… maybe we’ll meet her it might be too weird to carry that far, so we went back where we’d have met her, but distracted by a different cooler display in the middle racks and went around one of those to measure (so we were on the other side of the big aisle, one or two from the turn to the other main aisle) she doesn’t come past us. Okay, let’s go meet her in cooler aisle.

Do not meet her along the way. The cooler is gone (there was the one left). Okay, she’s got it, maybe she took a zigzag to cut the corner and got distracted by something else to look at. We walk back to the cat litter. No sign. Back to the original cooler location. Still no. Begin to panic w B in toe and his new sandals are bothering is feet. I ask a girl working near by - teal shirt black shorts, have you seen her? Noo… okay. Maybe she went back to the checkout since it’s heavy. She was insisting she wanted to go by herself to get the potato chips we’re leaving for my mom. Not at the check out. I really start being like she was nabbed. This is it. This is it of course we’re going on a trip fuck. I start shouting her name while deciding to go to the Customer Service for a holler over the intercom. Luckily, some other tween pokes her head out after hearing PANIC MOM VOICE and waves at me and I shout her name again and the tween’s like pointing at me and looking where J was to show her and then we reunite and JESUS CHRIST. I immediately hugged her and said I was sorry that wasn’t her fault and she did the right thing. (She did go to the cat litter and didn’t see us and then also turned around and we kept missing each other.) She didn’t cry (yet) but was definitely also panicking.

So far didn’t mention it to Gram or C since we’ve been home, so I hope it is like water on a duck’s back and not going to come back only at bedtime when we drivers neeeeed sleep for tomorrow.

[alongtimecoming]

4 June 2026

I can tell my pre-trip anxiety brain is fully controlling my subconscious. My dream last night was of my cat giving me a very obvious sign she was ready to be put to sleep (she had been doing better and gaining and then the last week or two she’s lost again IRL) and then I was in the vet waiting room with a knitter auntie and I couldn’t get her phone tablet to find/dial the number (CLASSIC, dream me) of the vet to make the appointment and then I walked around the corner in the vet’s office and was crying at the guy (my vet has no male vets!) and then I woke up.

[alongtimecoming]

3 June 2026

My student loans are paid in full!!!!

13 years later (including the pandemic pause)

But also that $140/month is already gone. Nearly back to lowest monthly payment amount since we got the second vehicle loan. Now it’s just vehicle loans left.

[alongtimecoming]

And WHY is my cat still doing this.

Again, we are leaving for 13 days and leaving my mom with my bullshit high maintenance cat and I’m so annoyed and I feel awful about it all for everyone. She also doesn’t go into the lowest sided box downstairs all the way and is 50/50 in/out of that box too. But like 75% is all in a box. Idgi

[alongtimecoming]

2 June 2026

SIGH.

First Monday of summer. Illness. Middle of the night anxiety/bad dream barf for the oldest. She seemed okay all morning but when we got back from errands she had an upset stomach and didn’t want to eat, felt hungry/hot/cold/tired and looks wan. No temp though. Yet? Ate an applesauce. She got up to pee after a couple hours on the couch and said she felt dizzy and going to fall over. Now I’ve given her a gogurt and hope that gets some calories into her. Just. We’re going on a several thousand mile car trip this weekend 😅😅

[alongtimecoming]

Jk there’s the 100.3 temp. We shouldn’t have gone to the library with the rest of the district yesterday.

[alongtimecoming]

At least my introvert self can “we have a fever/sick kid in the house, best not play with neighbors til we’re better!”

[alongtimecoming]

2 June 2026

SIGH.

First Monday of summer. Illness. Middle of the night anxiety/bad dream barf for the oldest. She seemed okay all morning but when we got back from errands she had an upset stomach and didn’t want to eat, felt hungry/hot/cold/tired and looks wan. No temp though. Yet? Ate an applesauce. She got up to pee after a couple hours on the couch and said she felt dizzy and going to fall over. Now I’ve given her a gogurt and hope that gets some calories into her. Just. We’re going on a several thousand mile car trip this weekend 😅😅

[alongtimecoming]

Jk there’s the 100.3 temp. We shouldn’t have gone to the library with the rest of the district yesterday.

[alongtimecoming]

2 June 2026

SIGH.

First full week of summer. Illness. Middle of the night anxiety/bad dream barf for the oldest. She seemed okay all morning but when we got back from errands she had an upset stomach and didn’t want to eat, felt hungry/hot/cold/tired and looks wan. No temp though. Yet? Ate an applesauce. She got up to pee after a couple hours on the couch and said she felt dizzy and going to fall over. Now I’ve given her a gogurt and hope that gets some calories into her. Just. We’re going on a several thousand mile car trip this weekend 😅😅

[alongtimecoming]

Oh, and the catch 22 for windows open weather is that I’m waking at 5:30 everyday thanks birds

[alongtimecoming]

$130 at the grocery store with the kids with a whisper of a dinner suggestion (sausage patties for brinner) for only one meal this week. I’ll have you know we have five of them before we go on our road trip.

[alongtimecoming]

“Have a 90s childhood” they say.

The thing about a digital childhood is that you can’t irreparably ruin your mother’s childhood belongings over and over and over

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Mmm! And the kicker to end the day - barely 60 seconds out of his room after saying good night, “I had an accident and my pull up leaked”

No, sir, that is “I waited until I finally laid down and peed like I do all the time, except I didn’t take the care, because nothing matters, to make sure it was on straight” on purpose. You are seven and a half. I am more than happy to have you wear pull ups because of night time peeing. I KNOW that’s a thing that is not entirely in control until physically ready. That’s FINE. That’s not what this is.

This pissing in the pull up because it’s easy is fucking infuriating because ITS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. BECAUSE HE DOESN’T NOT WANT TO.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

I’m going to go to bed in two hours and wake up and try again. Pool day. “Never doing what they want”

[alongtimecoming]

Sometimes, I want to just have my phone recording sound all day. Then to have some third party listen and TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Or not do. I am so willing to have some constructive criticism of my own actions. I know some of it is “don’t sit on your ass crafting and be in front of him to redirect and observe better” but that’s literally how I’m coping right now, so until I get anything else to change, I can’t stop just removing myself from the situation.

Like, I need someone else to see and hear and acknowledge that how my kid behaves and talks is not okay and please help me fix it. Everything is argument. Everything is “say opposite thing” “INSIST opposite thing”, refusal of previous desire, refusal to participate. I don’t fucking get it. It hurts!

[alongtimecoming]

29 May 2026

My ILs leave for a long weekend work trip tomorrow, then they’ll be home for 3 days then we all leave for nearly two weeks.

Then 3 weeks of summer will be done.

Then I only have to struggle through 6 more weeks of summer.

I’m going to have to figure out how and when my mom or ILs can take my kid(s) for one or more nights a time or two.

[alongtimecoming]

Y’know,

maybe part of my “problem” is that I didn’t lose myself to motherhood.

Some of the moms at this party are talking about how they’re starting to find hemselves again and I’m just thinking, perhaps I’ve been so damned stressed and burned out is BECAUSE I’ve been myself this whole time. I know who I am and what I want.

It just turns out that’s fairly incompatible with my flavor of children.

[alongtimecoming]

23 May 2026

I zero percent want to take the kids to across the street neighbor’s birthday party at a jump/foam pit/repelling/all kinds of stuff you should probably avoid with a fingernail about to fall off. And one absolutely fine, but likely to injury himself other child who will throw a fit if I decide we need to leave early because TWO HOURS.

But also, why are these birthday invitations coming via text? Okay, text isn’t the problem, it’s the nothing besides date time and place??? And then DEFINITELY why group text (again, I get it from a sender perspective but duuuude 12 notifications that everyone hearted the text to acknowledge they received it Michael Scott NO)

Is it drop off? Are there gifts? Is this a 1-2 kid party or half the grade and friends and family party? I ALSO don’t know those people or how many little kids have internet on their devices and how locked down they aren’t.

I am not for this world. 😖

[alongtimecoming]

ALSO we have to friggen make some sort of dinner.

AGAIN.

[alongtimecoming]

You know, we didn’t need a slammed in the door finger to start the week for the 9yo. Super fun to have an under-slept injured child during the witching hour.