Wow, where have I been?
Iâve been off tumblr for two years. Thatâs crazy. Why is it when I feel so extremely depressed that I redownload the app all over again? Weird.
Well whatâs up... I know half my followers arenât even there anymore but I need to vent.
Iâve not felt this depressed in years. Iâm kind of scared. I look back on all the things I was going through and never can compare to what Iâm going through now.
Iâve never been so unstable until now. Iâm 22 years old now and my life is so hard. A few months ago I decided to move to Florida from Illinois to really put my makeup career into full swing. Little did i know that i would go the first two months without any jobs hiring me. I get that i have teal hair, piercings and tattoos but that doesnât stop me from giving the best customers service. Iâve never had an issue getting a job until coming down here. Move forward to today I now currently work as the Lead of Service at Forever 21. Not at all what I wanna be doing but it will get me experience until i get back on my grind in full makeup mode. Itâs not even making enough money so on my days off Iâm i wrong all day trying to make sure i donât go homeless. It is draining me mentally and physically and I just wanna get out of that job so bad. Iâm not doing makeup at all and it sucks. I miss making people feel and realize their true inner and outer beauty. Iâve applied to several salons and Iâve only got 1 interview. I hope and dream Iâll get this job to get me back in my environment.
Secondly, moving to Florida I left everything behind. My family, my furniture, my friends. I came down here with my girl, a new car and our puppy. I am tired of sleeping on an air mattress. I am tired of living in a run down apartment that is infested with bugs. I know things donât matter I just donât feel comfortable in my own home. I donât ever feel clean in my house. Back home my apartment was covered in dream catchers, tapestryâs and soft blankets. It felt so zen. Here, I feel so paranoid. I feel like I need to wash my sheets every day. Living in this condition makes me less confident in myself cause i never feel clean enough.
Which brings me to the biggest thing on my mind. Self confidence. Itâs something Iâve always struggled with but since moving here my eating disorder has been spiraling. Iâve gained so much weight and I am the heaviest Iâve ever been. I canât look in the mirror. I donât wanna hang out with friends. I donât want to have sex with my girlfriend. Iâve lost weight before why canât I do it now? Why canât I do it for myself? I owe myself that relief but why is it so hard? My low self esteem is messing with a lot of other things to. Like my relationship for instance. I donât love myself so how is she supposed to love me? She fell in love with my confidence i had back when I did lose all the weight. She has seen me go into this deepening depression and canât look at me the same. She nearly broke up with me last week. If i didnât tell her what was going on I would have lost her. She is all I have down here in Florida. Iâm at a point where I feel so lost that I donât know where to go. What do I do?
