TW: Discussion of substance use disorder (alcohol) and religious trauma (Mormonism)
Letâs talk about my early relationship with alcohol.
I was raised Mormon and formally left in my *very* early 20s, which also happened to be during the beginning of the pandemic. For two decades, I was taught that if I ever had a sip of alcohol I would struggle with alcohol use for the rest of my life. I didnât drink until I was 21, when I was living off-campus. Eight months in, I returned to on-campus housing at my Mormon university (no, not the one youâre thinking of).
When I first started drinking, while I was incredibly cautious (my roommate was Mormon, and we agreed upon, in hindsight, pretty strict rules regarding my drinking in the house), I never thought about having rules around my drinking as a way to avoid issues with substance use. It wasnât until I moved back on campus that I started believing I was an âalcoholicâ (spoiler alert: I wasnât). But what could have changed to make my views shift so dramatically? My housemates, indirectly, told me I was. On phone calls with their parents (which were very audible as our walls were paper thin), they would explain that they were living with a âhigh-functioning alcoholicâ. But was I? Letâs take a look at my early drinking habits and the rules I imposed upon myself.
While living in that apartment, I had a maximum of one drink per night and two drinks per week (usually no more than 5% ABV, despite the fact that I had primarily been an 80 proof whiskey drinker for the previous six monthsâstill my drink of choice). My rules were as follows:
1. No drinking if I was upset in any way (depressed, sad, angry, etc.)âI could only have a drink if I was in a good mood, in order to âprevent drinking from becoming a coping mechanismâ.
2. No drinking on school nights or if I had work/another serious engagement the next day.
3. No drinking if I needed to drive anywhere within the next 24 hours/no driving if I had had a drink *at all* that day (even if it was several hours prior). While not drinking and driving is a good rule, this is excessive.
4. No drinking anywhere in my house that wasnât a private space (including my room if my roommate was home).
5. I could not tell anyone that I drank outside of my housemates (who I felt I needed to tell in order to respect their religion).
6. My housemates could veto my drinking at any timeâif they ever became uncomfortable with the idea that I drank, they could demand that I stop drinking in the home (in which case I could only drink in a bar/restaurant or at a friendâs house).
7. I could not be âvisibly intoxicatedâ (their words, not mine) in front of anyone (Iâm not a lightweight, but my face turns ever so slightly red after one drink).
After 8 months of living in this apartment, I realized that I was not a âhigh-functioning alcoholicâ, but I was still concerned that I might develop a less than healthy relationship with alcohol. As a result, I had one more rule (which I still roughly follow as itâs good practice to regularly assess your drinking habits, although usually only once a year now): twice a year, I would go dry for the entire month (usually Dry January and July/August).
Even though I now know that I have a very healthy relationship with alcohol, I still followed the first four rules until about two months ago. And then I realized that these rules werenât actually healthy and that they were *creating* a poor relationship with alcohol. Being so restrictive out of the fear of becoming dependent on alcohol put me more at risk than a more relaxed attitude around drinking would.
But this fear still runs *very* deep. And itâs unjustified. But that was how I was raised.
And Mormons wonder why so many struggle with substance use after they leave.
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