Already Corrupted

A random blog I started to express things I can't elsewhere. I'm 25, and I'm diagnosed with BPD. I don't work so I spend most of my time on http://www.pdchat.co.uk where I'm a chat admin. Feel free to check it out and join.

[iamgonnakickurass-deactivated20]

[cl-archive]

[depresant]

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Woe is me. I am stressed. So what. 10 internal stitches and 19 external stitches last week - it was the first time I'd cut in a while, didn't seem like enough. Need to breathe, life is good - just wish I could enjoy it.

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I can't sleep. I'm sad and I'm scared and I'm alone.

The only thing that stands in the way of my happiness is me. Why can't I just be happy then?

I want to cry. I've been crying all day.

[every0ne-dies-alone]

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oh-to-be-beautiful, this is for you <3

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I am scared because things are changing. And that's understandable. Change isn't always bad though, I need to keep reminding myself of that. It will be difficult, it will be terrifying, but it will be 100 times better than just continuing to destroy myself.

Maybe it's coincidence, but things have changed since my birthday, since getting the blood clots in my lungs. I almost died, not for the first time, but somehow this time was different. Maybe because this was the only time it wasn't a direct result of my actions. Maybe because my life is actually better, and I finally feel like I have something to lose by dying.

There are so many things I can feel, so many things I can experience, so many amazing moments that are yet to come. I'm sure there will be tears and anger and heartbreak too, but you know what, that's ok. It's ok to feel bad sometimes, everybody does, and it will pass.

I'm beginning to see that life is worth it after all.

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I'm so anxious. The psychologist said sometimes anxiety just signifies change, rather than it being a sign that something awful is going to happen. I'm trying to remember that, but I want this feeling to go away right now.

I told him I'd marry him someday, that we'd have kids. I told him I'd move in with him next year. I meant it all. I am excited. I am also absolutely terrified. I keep thinking I could just opt out, go back to complete self destruction. I can't though, I can't live like that any more. I am stuck between 2 worlds, both of which terrify me.

[black-and-white-universe]

[just-n0thing]

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Note to self: 3.30am is too late to text people. Yes, you missed your flight and had to have your dad come to the rescue but now have to wait all night for the next flight, but people sleep regardless of whatever crisis you're having.

Not my fault I missed the flight by the way, the train was delayed and then went straight to Brighton instead of stopping at the airport. My dad is buying me a new ticket. I have no idea how I'll pay him back, hoping he says I don't need to.

3 friends offered to let me stay if I could get to them, another friend offered to lend me money. Makes me appreciate people - nice to know that I have people who will be there for me in situations like this.

[fearlessknightsandfairytales]

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Overwhelmed. Too much time around people who aren't my "safe" people. I want to lie in my bed with my kitty cats, and hug them and listen to them purr. Then I want to see my boyfriend and have him hold me and let myself feel safe and protected. And then maybe after all that, I can let myself cry, and it will be ok to let myself feel bad because I'm not in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.

[haydeesworldofpoetry]

[s-ensitivus]

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Saving Things

I have a load of extra meds lying around. I need to gather them, hide them, keep them for when I feel I need them. They wouldn't kill me if I took them all.

I have extra bloodthinners too though, from days I forgot to take them or days I was in hospital and was given my dose there. All these syringes, so easy to inject. So dangerous. Thin my blood too much, I end up with internal bleeding. I could die, really truly die. That's not why I'm keeping them around though. Thin my blood a tiny bit extra, cut myself, I lose like a litre of blood again. I feel so ill after it, but so satisfied, like I achieved something, like the bad emotions flowed away with the blood.

It's been almost 5 weeks since I last hurt myself, and that will end up longer because I'm going away. I feel like I'll have to do something really major to make up for this huge break. Tempted to burn myself badly enough for another skin graft, but I'm afraid doing that twice in a year would lead to me being put in hospital against my will. So I suppose cutting badly and losing lots of blood is all I can do. Maybe a bigger cut than last time.

[escapelife148-blog]