Al Confess

..confession time ..

[als-confession]

You came around

I can’t believe that you are actually mine. I guess I was right when I said that if it was meant to be it would be. Because you left the girl that I thought was perfect for you and then started chasing me. I never thought in a million years you would go after someone like me and I only dreamed about finding someone as good as you. Yet here you are telling me how you find me so kind and so amazing and how much you want to be with me. Don’t pinch me because this was the dream I didn’t want to wake from during that snowy week. I was waiting for someone as good as you to come around but I didn’t know that it was actually you who was around the corner.

[als-confession]

E.

Is six years old too young to know that you have found your soulmate?

Soulmates, what a funny idea

a word holding so much meaning and expectations.

Still, at 6 years old I was positive that you were mine

I prayed for you every night asking God to let me marry you

and just for good measure I would pick a star and wish for you with it.

And then one day you told me you did the same

Who knew that down the line I would come back to the same prayer

and that same wish,

but this time I would add birthday candles

and shooting stars that were just mostly airplanes into the mix.

Anything to have you back into my life.

I thought back on every missed opportunity that you could have been mine.

So many minutes wasted

so many times I held back how I was felt

to not ruin something that was already so wonderful...

Our friendship

Call me chicken,

or call me oblivious of the fact that

I was clearly in love with you

Is 6 years old too young to know you have found your soulmate?

Looking back at six year old me and how we would chase each other around a tree

how I would drop my pencil hoping that you would pick it up

and hand it to me

How even our teachers would sit us next to each other because they knew of our crush

and we took it as fate.

Sixteen and now we're back

after five years of being apart

crazy to think so much time has passed

and now you're really in my heart

You became my best friend

And I loved you more than I knew

Fast forward to 2016 and were graduating,

different schools,

separate lives

still we stayed in one another’s

and I get to see you again for the first time.

How happy I am to have you as my friends

And then

2018 hit me and shattered my heart

but you took every piece and held it together.

Unaware of it you made me feel valued

and loved all over again.

When I thought it wasn't possible

when I thought I was worthless.

Respectful as always you pulled no stunt

afraid to break someone who had already been broken

My feelings continue growing until they were overflowing

and I was unaware until they were spilling

out of my mouth in front of you.

20 years old is this love?

It can't be,

yet I sit here

and I wait for you

and I don't mind because you are worth every minute

But someone else caught you

and how lucky she is

because our 15 years in the making ended just like this

With you not answering my calls or my text

No longer my friend

Through no fault of your own

But distance and time kept us apart

And then you fell in love with someone else

So I pray

I wish on stars

Maybe even on candles

an occasional airplane

That our 15 years in the making doesn't end like this  

[inlovesuggest]

you’re everything to me. i wish i knew how tell you but i wouldn’t know where to start

[bruwho]

@frecklesnur

[desiresuggestion]

i missed you today

[als-confession]

Lunch at 1:13

“It’s not too late to run.” Ann thought as she picked up her glass and downed the rest of what was left of her drink. The was sun hitting Ann and she laid back in her chair soaking it all in trying to relax. “Would you like some more water miss?” the waiter had startled her. “Oh um yes. Thank you.” The waiter poured her a glass and Ann watched as the cold water dew dripped from the glass.

“Oh, these jars are so cute! Who knew cups could be this cute.” Ann laughed as she picked up her class to take a sip from it. “You just like anything that resembles a Mason Jar,” Jack said taking a bite from his chicken. “Here hand me your purse.” Jack put his fork down and slid his hand under the table waiting for Ann to pass him her purse. “What for?” Ann looked at him curiously. Jack nodded at the jars. “Jack! I am not going to let you steal a cup from this restaurant!”  “Oh come on! Chain restaurants like these won’t even know they're missing,” he smirked and looked at Ann teasingly. “No Sir! Now watch my stuff I have to go to the bathroom.” Ann leaped up and Jack stuck his tongue out while she smiled and walking away.

“I had a really nice time at dinner Jack thank you.” Ann gave him a kiss on the cheek while Jack continued to drive. “Of course.” Jack smiled “Hey, Love you wanna pass me my phone. I put it in your purse.” Ann reached for her bag under her seat. “JACK! You didn’t!” Jack smiled “What?” “Jack you took the cups and put them in my purse?!” Ann closed her purse and put it back under her seat. “I couldn’t help if you liked them way too much.” Jacked laughed “no way you’re mad at me.” Ann shook her head annoyed “no, unfortunately, I can never be mad at you.” Jack grabbed Ann hand and they started laughing.

Ann looked up from the glass and sighed. It had been two years since she and Jack split and one more since they last saw each other. Ann fanned her face from the heat.”Geez, it's hot.” Ann thought. “Do I smell?” Ann discreetly checked her arm “Jesus Ann get a grip.” She looked across the restaurant patio and saw two teenagers on what seemed like a date.

“You wanna know the first time I saw you?” Ann sat up from the picnic blanket they were laying on. “Trick question. I know the first time you saw me. It was the first day of junior year in History.” Jack looked at Ann smiling. “Ah, but it wasn't!” Ann laid back down looking at the clouds. “When then?” Jack turned facing Ann. “It was the summer before junior year and you were working at the mall I walked by the store and thought you were the cutest guy I had ever seen. I think I walked past that store 5 times that day.” Ann looked and Jack who seemed shocked. “Why didn't you come in? Say hi??” Ann scoffed raising her eyebrow at him “Yeah right! You would have totally dismissed me.” Ann looked up at the cloud again. Jack rolled over on top of her forcing her to look at him. “No, I wouldn't have.” Jack looked into Ann's eyes “It's okay I'm upset you were chicken. I got your number anyways” he playfully bit into her cheeks as Ann squirmed giggling to get away.

Ann gaze broke from the teens who were now holding hands across the table. She rolled her eyes and looked at her watch “chill out Ann he still has 5 minutes” Ann leaned back in her chair resting her face on her hand. Her phone started to ring. It was her friend Kat.

“Ann are you okay? Is he the-” “Kat! What am I doing here?! I shouldn't be here!” Ann silently screamed into the phone. “Ann listen to me it’s going to be alright. Trust me.” kat insisted “Yeah right! The last time I trusted you I ended up drunk and with soap in my mouth.” Ann leaned up to the table taking a sip from her drink. Kat laughed “Ann you’re going to be fine. This is good for you I promise. I know it will go well I promise you, Ann.” “It better! I’m calling you after.” “Okay by-” Ann hung up the phone staring at it on the table.

“You're leaving me! You are the one leaving me Ann!!” Ann watched as Jack paced his bedroom. “I am not leaving you!” Ann tried to fight back the tears that she knew would eventually come anyway. “Yeah, you are moving across the country. You just had to pick the farthest place from here. What is it, Ann? Nothing good enough for you here?” Jack looked at her painfully. “Why can't you just support me? This is my dream” “Because Ann your dream doesn't involve me. You are leaving me.” Ann stepped back “I’m not leaving you..I’m just going to school.” Ann’s tears fell down her face. Jack looked at her crying he grabbed her and held her close to him “I’m sorry... I shouldn’t say you're leaving me behind I know you aren't.” “I love you.” said Ann “I know.” Jack said tears falling down his cheeks “will make it work.”

"So stupid,” thought Ann to think that things wouldn’t change, that they wouldn’t grow up and be pulled apart. She looked at her phone again “He’s not coming.” Ann finished the rest of her drink and stood up ready to leave when she looked up. There he was Ann waved him over smiling.   “About to run for the hills huh?” he pulled out her chair and Ann sat down “I’m really sorry I kept you waiting.” “That’s okay,” Ann said smiling He smiled back “I'm Max.” “Ann,” she said

[als-confession]

Chupacabra

You are hard to read. I give you space and am patient with the way that you are when it comes to talking about things. You are a sweet friend and I’m happy we have gotten close. You are very charming and kind hearted. I guess I should try and control the feelings that could be flourishing for you.

[als-confession]

It will come.

I had a small crush previously on you, but I didn’t think anything of it because I thought if it’s meant to happen it will. You started seeing someone, someone who I know is just as good, just as kind as you. So I know you two deserve each other. Still I’ve gotten to know you more and now we’ve spent a week together amongst friends and my crush.. well It’s developed. I see how kind you are and how you rush to others aid. You have such a giving spirit and being around you makes me want to be better. I wish I had someone like you because guys like you are hard to come by... I might just crave the feeling of being loved but you’ve made me realized that I want the right kind. So I’ll just wait for someone as good as you to come around.

[als-confession]

Photograph

I found myself wondering if you still kept my photograph in your wallet...

[als-confession]

March Songs

Space Cadet - The Technicolors

Loving is East -  Rex Orange County

Visions of Gideon - Sufjan Stevens

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

Hurt - Oliver Tree

Alien Boy - Oliver Tree

[als-confession]

Where are you?

I keep expecting to see your face everywhere I look. It’s the most irrational thing for someone who claims to be so sensible. How is it that a realist believes in true love and soul mates? I keep waiting for you. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for you to show up on my door step. Still there is nothing and so I start to question how resonable I actually am.

[davidsvlogs]

i love paramore 

[als-confession]

Space Cadet

Ive been a lot happier recently I keep finding joy in such small things and I was never able to do that before. Ive had depression I believe since I was in the the 8th grade and since then happiness has always felt like a struggle. It was Something that I had to force myself to feel instead of it just coming naturally. Now? Now i am finding myself being really happy during a walk even in cold weather with gloomy ass skies. I find myself being happy just sitting in my apartment with music playing and when I realize these small happiness they make me even happier to the point of where there are tears down my face. This is what I have always wanted to be joyful without trying. I’m not sure what has changed..I joke and say its all because of my dog and maybe some of it is. I think at some point i just really started to love and take care of myself. This is the craziest semester of my life and I should be super stressed and on the verge of a meltdown. Yet I haven’t been i’ve been taking it day by day minute by minute and enjoying every second that I can. Thank you to everyone who has ever gotten me through the gloomy dark days it means more to me than you will ever know. I know im not cured from my depression it will always be me learning how to better take care of my mental health, but im going to ride this wave for as long as I can. 

[bruwho]

[norsis]

[als-confession]

I thought this was done.

You’ve been haunting my dreams a lot lately, and been popping up when I least realize it. I found my locket and it still has the flower you gave me from the field of our elementary school. I think about how we were able to stay in each other’s lives for so long only to have one day be the last. We always knew about the others feelings and never had the balls to say something and now I regret everytime I didn’t. I miss you so much. How we were best friends and I miss the thought of possibly being more. I don’t know what to do. I pray that what this is is that it’s just not our time yet maybe I have a couple more loves to go through and so do you before we make our way back to each other. Either way I know I never actually belonged to you but my heart did and still does. So I don’t mind waiting. Even if you never come.

[frankocean]

I read in the paper that my brothers are being thrown from rooftops blindfolded with their hands tied behind their backs for violating sharia law. I heard the crowds stone these fallen men if they move after they hit the ground. I heard it’s in the name of God. I heard my pastor speak for God too, quoting scripture from his book. Words like abomination popped off my skin like hot grease as he went on to describe a lake of fire that God wanted me in. I heard on the news that the aftermath of a hate crime left piles of bodies on a dance floor this month. I heard the gunman feigned dead among all the people he killed. I heard the news say he was one of us. I was six years old when I heard my dad call our transgender waitress a faggot as he dragged me out a neighborhood diner saying we wouldn’t be served because she was dirty. That was the last afternoon I saw my father and the first time I heard that word, I think, although it wouldn’t shock me if it wasn’t. Many hate us and wish we didn’t exist. Many are annoyed by our wanting to be married like everyone else or use the correct restroom like everyone else. Many don’t see anything wrong with passing down the same old values that send thousands of kids into suicidal depression each year. So we say pride and we express love for who and what we are. Because who else will in earnest? I daydream on the idea that maybe all this barbarism and all these transgressions against ourselves is an equal and opposite reaction to something better happening in this world, some great swelling wave of openness and wakefulness out here. Reality by comparison looks grey, as in neither black nor white but also bleak. We are all God’s children, I heard. I left my siblings out of it and spoke with my maker directly and I think he sounds a lot like myself. If I being myself were more awesome at being detached from my own story in a way I being myself never could be. I wanna know what others hear, I’m scared to know but I wanna know what everyone hears when they talk to God. Do the insane hear the voice distorted? Do the indoctrinated hear another voice entirely?