Always Eavesdropping

[chamberlain]

John Tesh - “Roundball Rock” (Live on Catalina Island, 1997)

I found this video yesterday and have watched it about one hundred times since then. Emailing it along to Fambly last night, Pat really nailed it with the reply “This video could be split into 4 videos and they’d all be hilarious but it’s ONE.”

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My favorite part is how totally fucking AMPED his audience is to see such a spectacle. 

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Retirement Party, c. 1978

Jack: So, I was a young guy working there, and there was this other guy, what the hell was his name? Nowak. He was a Nowak. And why the hell can't I remember his last name (takes a sip of Bailey's on the rocks). Norby! He was Norby Nowak. He was a nice guy, older guy, didn't get around much because something was wrong with his leg. A knee? Something. Anyway, he used to make me get him coffee. He'd say, "Jack. Black." That's how he took his coffee, so I'd bring it to him, "Here you go, Norby," you know, it was no big deal and I liked him. Anyway, he wore this toupee. It was ... wow, it was really bad. It was just ... you could tell. Everybody knew but I don't think anybody said anything about it. But he had this toupee. And sometimes he'd go out and see clients, but he did most of his work over the phone, and sometimes he'd tell me to go and see somebody for him, and I'd do it. I liked him. So one day, he takes me aside and says, "Jackie, I just wanted to let you know that I was leaving. I'm retiring." 

And I says, "Oh, well, congratulations. When's the party?" And he says, "No, no! I don't want a party I just want to slip out the door, but I wanted to let you know what I was up to," And I said, "Ok, thanks, Norby, good luck."

So the day comes when it's Norby's last day...And, a few days before, we get a note. Not an email, of course, I guess a memo, and it's on our desks and it says, "Please arrange your schedules so you will be in the office at 9 a.m., so we can give Norby a modest send off with some coffee and cake." I mean, it was early, they didn't want us in the office for too long, we had to get out there.

So the day comes when it's Norby's last day. And he didn't want a party but he's not unhappy about it or anything, and he's being a good sport and we're having our coffee and cake, and singing a song, and I guess we're singing, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," and then in walks this guy that I guess Mel Pauly hired, and he's a gorilla. Well, he's a guy in a gorilla suit, anyway, and, I don't know, he's there, and we laugh.

And after we sing, the guy in the gorilla suit takes off his mask, and he puts it on Norby's head and then puts his arm around Norby for some pictures. And we take some pictures and it's time to get the gorilla mask off.

So Norby's a big guy, and he's older, and he's struggling with this gorilla mask. And it's taking him a long time to get it off his head, and then...I saw this coming. I said, "Uh-oh, here it comes."

And, yes. He pulls the mask off and his toupee comes right off with it, and there he is, bald as a cucumber. 

Me: How did he react?

Jack: He was a good sport about it. He laughed. It took him awhile to get his toupee out of the gorilla head.

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Walgreen's, Delaware Ave., Buffalo, March 19, 2013

I was in a hurry to pick The Boy up from daycare and stopped in for some DayQuil and a bottle of water. There were three people in line in front of me and I knew I should have just abandoned my purchases and left but I did not.

The lady in front of me was purchasing three identical boxes of crackers, some candy which I can't remember now, and a pair of flip-flops, black.

The woman in front of her was attempting to haggle with the cashier. It soon became clear that she was trying to buy a tester bottle of perfume, since they were apparently out of that particular brand.

Woman's friend: You can't buy that! Woman: It's the tester. But I wanna buy it. Maybe she'll give it tuh me for cheaper, for half-off or a quarter off. Can I have it for half off?

Cashier: I'll go ask Kevin.

Just as I was about to give up while the cashier went to look for Kevin, another employee got my attention and told me there was no line over in the cosmetics department. I jogged there.

But there was already someone ahead of me. She had her faux-fur coat (edit: I guess it could have been real. Maybe a rich aunt left it to her? Maybe she spent all her money on one really nice fur coat? Maybe she raises and skins rabbits?) completely spread out on the counter, and was leaning on it so far over that she almost looked like she was laying down, with her feet on the floor. 

She was paying for the cosmetics she had purchased by fishing them out of her large purse and handing them, one at a time, to the cashier, a young Latina woman whose ethnicity will be relevant in a moment.

The customer: You know, I don't have to steal (she pulls a compact out of her purse).

Cashier: OK? That's $10.24

Customer (fiddling with change): Oh, God bless. God bless you, sweetheart. Can you open this lipstick for me?

She asked the woman to open the lipstick container for her. The cashier obliges. Now I'm late picking up The Boy from daycare but I'm already sucked into this little one-act play.

Customer: What kind of lipstick is this?

Cashier: Eet call "Whett enn Wile"

Customer: What?

Cashier: "Whett enn Wile"

Customer: What?

Cashier: I don't know. It's the brand.

Customer: What color is it?

(Yes, I'd like to add this all happened. I'm still waiting to buy my DayQuil and water)

Somehow, the cashier explains to the woman that the name of the lipstick color is listed on a chart elsewhere in the cosmetics department. I don't understand, because I wold assume that the color was also written right on the package, but I'm not about to ask.

Customer: Will you show me, honey?

Cashier: Uhhh...

Just then, my Deus Ex Machina appears in the form of Kevin, who throws his employee to the customer and says, "You go help her. I'll cash this guy out."

Kevin apologizes to me for the long wait. I wanted to make some kind of comment to acknowledge the particularly high level of crazy in the store today, but I just say, "That's OK, thanks."

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Walking past the 14th hole, Quebec

Golfer 1: (thwack)

Golfer 2: Oui. OUI, monsieur!

Golfer 1: See, I told you!

Golfer 2: Yeah. Yeah it had it on there. You got that 150, just like you said.

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Top Seller Milky Bang (Singapore, 2010)

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Tony, Dumpster deliveryman: I'm gonna hoist it back as far as I can. I don't wanna hurt your tree. It's tall but it's narrow. It will fit in your driveway. Yeah, it ain't our prettiest can, but that's the time of year it is, it's hard to find one.

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Two drunks on Ashland, 7:30 p.m.

(maybe they were high on something? Anyway, they were arguing, presumably, about a shopping cart filled with empty bottles and cans. Tonight is garbage night.)

Man: Nooo. NO! It's MINE! Woman: It is not yours. That's what you get. I'm taking it. Man: No! NOOOO NO NO NO NOOO! Fucking bitch (he shoves her -- open palm to her chest; she stumbles backward). Woman: You lied to me. Go ahead, I'll call the fucking police. (she shoves him back. The shopping cart rattles). That's what you get.

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Dad, Greek restaurant, Elmwood Avenue

(photo from compujeramey's Flickr)

Dad: Uncle Jerry's in town for the wedding already. He got in and he's probably at Gene's funeral this morning. I didn't go. I went to the wake, I was an hour in line. Me: How old was he? Dad: He was 85. Aunt Carolyn called and told me it was all around the neighborhood that Gene had died. She said I just knew you'd want to know ... Me: Was that the bar that had the fire? Dad: No. That was Kennedy's. Kennedy's was down an old dirt road off Catherine Street. We called it Burma Road. It was like a secret road. The original Kennedy's was down there. Across the street was this place owned by Mrs. Tutuska. She served Hungarian food. We just called it Ma Tut's. Me: Was that a bar, too? Was it a restaurant? Dad: It was a bar with a back room. So one of the first sheriffs of Erie County that I remember, B. John Tutuska. His mother was Ma Tut. She was in her eighties and she tended bar. She closed at 9 p.m. She never asked for I.D. We would go in their after our baseball games and have a drink. It was where you went to have your first beer. We all thought, who's gonna bust Ma Tut, when her son is the sheriff?

Me: Gene McCarthy's... Dad: There was no fire at Gene McCarthy's. Gene sold it about five years ago. And, ironically, the guy who bought it hits from the other side of the plate. And I guess he's pretty open about it, too. Me: No shit? Dad: Yeah. He's got a foreign name too. Me: How did that go over with the regulars? Dad: I think it's fine. But things are changing there. I guess John McCormick was telling me, you were there, that they have a Buffalo beer tasting club, and McCarthy's is on the rotation for beer tastings. That's different for McCarthy's (laughs). Your uncle Jerry and his buddies actually had a coffee club that met at McCarthy's every morning for coffee. They'd come in every morning and shoot the shit and Gene would open for them and have coffee with them. Uncle Jerry, Billy Black, Tony Corso, some other guys. They're all older than me. Anyway, there's this kid, he's not a kid but he's slow, this kid who works there and mops up, we'd call him a "jack," and he's been there for years, he was mopping up not too long ago after the new guy took over. Uncle Jerry was the first one there and banged on the door and said, "Let me in." And this guy just shakes his head "no." And keeps mopping. So Uncle Jerry bangs on the door and says, "Hey! Let me in!" And he says no. So finally Uncle Jerry says, "Open the goddam door!" and the kid comes to the door and says, "Sorry, Jerry. But he said I can't let anyone in when he's not here. I don't wanna get fired." So Uncle Jerry goes in and says, "Don't worry, I'll talk to him and tell him I made you do it." So Gerhard shows up. That's his name, Gerhard. He's into soccer, too I guess. There's soccer stuff all over the bar now. The other boys get there and Gerhard is there and he says, "Sorry, it's not you guys, but I wanted to make an impression on him not to just let anyone in when we were closed." So Gene isn't showing up to join them for coffee because he was enjoying his retirement, and they didn't feel kicked out exactly, they just weren't overly accommodated. They had to start going somehwere else for coffee. And Tony's dead. That's McCarthy's, in the Old First Ward.

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Guy in Pepsi Uniform, Student Union

(image from arcticpenguin's photostream)

He's standing in a stairway, leaning against a metal door jamb, with a finger in his ear. It's loud in the student union. Second-last day of classes. There's some kind of food-related festival going on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What? What? You ordered how many? I was gonna say. 91? Wow. That's a lot even for an end-cap. That's not even, like, you hit a wrong button? Really?

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Mike,barber, about 35

Yeah, I served. Twelve years. But it was the last three that fucked me up. Fucked me up. (He emphasizes his words by digging the clippers harder against my head). Personnel, mostly. It was great. Then I left and went into Special Forces. (Me: Isn't that a promotion?) Yeah. Yeah it is. We have all kinds of training. Quantico. Fort Bragg. (Me: None of my business, but did you go overseas?) Yeah. Oh, yeah. No tours, though. Missions. We did missions. We did in, out. That shit they needed .Then out. Mosul. That's where I fucked up my wrist. Fucked up my ribs. Saw some shit. Got P-T-S-D or whatever. Fucking V-A. You sure want your hair this short? I got meds. But fuck the V-A. I've got my wife's health insurance. I had a good career. This is OK. But I don't want to be cuttin' hair.

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Bank, Wednesday, 3 p.m.

Bank teller, 30-ish woman (we may have gone to high school together...) to coworker:

There she is. I swear if she gives me a Jesus pamphlet today I am going to lose it.

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Office Building Lobby, afternoon

Security guard, to me: He's a head taller than the other kids. Five years old.

Me: Wow, that's...

Guard: He's coordinated and he's got power. When he was four, he picked up a plastic bat. And there was a swimming pool form here to that corner, and a fence, and he just...WHAM. Picked up the ball and whacked it over the fence and into that pool. Four. Four years old.

Me: That reminds me of...

Security guard: He's not a speed guy. He's power. I think he's gonna play baseball or hockey. He needs speed. His mother's got him on a diet and he's lost that belly. But you know, for five, he's pretty good. Kid looks like Babe Ruth. Maybe he'll be like Babe Ruth. Me: Hope so. That would be great.

Guard: That would be great.

(photo from the Flickr stream of JessyeAnne. Thanks.)

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

The Office, Tuesday, 12:15 p.m.

Boss, to me: It's a really cool product. My dad's doctor recommended it. "We did an upper GI and a lower GI, but the problem is this gap in the middle and we can't see it. You need the (name of medical product). Only problem was, insurance wasn't paying for it. My dad said, "Screw this. Just let me die. I want to die."

Me: (chuckle). That's got to be tough to hear. How's your dad now?

Boss: He's dead. Yeah, when they give up...He died very shortly after that happened. (photo from the Flickr stream of Greenflames09. Thanks)

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Niagara Falls, the Canadian side

Indian couple (man and woman, 20s)...leaning against the glass on the second floor of an observation tower, in unison:

Awwww, freak out!

Le Freak, c'est chic.

Freak out!

Le freak, c'est chic.

Awwwww, freak out!

(photo from the Flickr stream of Randy OHC. Thanks.)

[alwayseavesdropping-blog]

Mom

There are only three kinds of trees, really: Maple, oak, and a few birch. And coniferous. Right, Dan?