Wallpatterns and the first time I received a death threat otherwise known as wallpatterns vs the devil cactus
hello peeps did u miss me it’s ya boi wallpatterns back with another tale of misery tighten your seatbelts and grab your popcorn because today we’re going on a magic carpet ride
So the last time I talked about The Second Grade the story took place outside of the classroom (if you didn’t read it you probably don’t want to it was about flying feces) but boys and girls and gender neutral, non binary + today you’re in for a treat because this story takes place inside the literal prison known as
The story begins with show and tell. I can’t remember what I brought to share with the class probably my pessimistic thoughts and my pre-pubescent angst but one girl in my class, we’ll call her Sharon, brought her mom’s famous holier-than-thou prized cactus
alright timeout for a second i need to say this is really weird because this story takes place in minnesota and there’s not just cacti chillin in the wild oKAY SO SEEING A REAL LIVE CACTUS WAS A HUGE DEAL FOR ME AND MY PEERS AND WE WERE ALL CAPTIVATED BY THIS BIG ASS CACTUS LIKE IT WAS THE HOLY SPIRIT HIMSELF okay timeout is over continuing on with the story
“Class” said my second grade teacher “this is a cactus”
“Oooohhhhh” said the class
“It is a rare cactus” said my teacher
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh” said the class
“Only 5 have been able to survive in mn” said my teacher or some other fact about how rare it is I don’t remember the fact my guilty conscience just remembers it was rare
“Please be respectful” said my teacher
“I’m going to touch it” I thought
“Please remember this belongs to Sharon’s mom” said my teacher
“I’m going to touch it” I thought
“Don’t touch it” said my teacher
“I’m still going to touch it” I thought
And then my second grade teacher made a grievous error
She left the cactus on an empty desk for us to look at in our free time
Now I was a good child who always did my homework so I had a lot of free time too much free time honestly just look at how this story is going i have no impulse control
And eventually I made my way over to this cactus and let me tell you it was even more gorgeous in person
One more thing you should know before we go on is that when I was in second grade I thought I was a Disney princess
But I honest to God thought I had super powers
“What a nice little tiny baby cactus sprout next to this huge mother cactus” I thought “if I pet it’s baby cactus head it will grow into a beautiful adult cactus because it will have my magic cactus blessing”
Now by this time it was just me and Sharon by the cactus and I said to myself “Sharon u better not stop me from blessing this baby cactus or I stg we gonna fight” but of course I didn’t say any of that aloud because I didn’t want her to cue in on my magic cactus plan
Instead I just reached out and touched the fucking baby cactus
I did not have magic cactus growing powers
By touching this lil guy I killed him because the dude lifted out of the ground and stayed attached to my hand until I shoved my finger back in the dirt and like
All was well but too late because protective cactus mother Sharon saw me and she decided i had been on the planet long enough and it was my time to die
Spoiler alert, I realized: Sharon is a lil shit
Have u ever seen an angry cactus loving 8 year old turn 50 shades of red and purple
I do not wish to see it again
Instantly my eyes watered and my tear ducts were holding on for dear life because I didn’t want to cry but also i have a sixth sense that knows when I’m about to die and let me tell u it was going haywire and in this moment I knew the end was near
“it’s still alive” I blurted out. “Look he’s in the dirt and he’s happy”
Sharon and I looked at him
He was just a little bit lopsided
Sharon leaned in closer and I gulped
“Ur going to pay” 8 year old sharon said
Did I mention this was the day I received my first death threat Jesus Christ wallpatterns yes it’s in the title this is ridiculous click bait you’ll go to hell for this
But anyway sometimes God likes me and he decided to throw me a bone because then my teacher announced it was time to sit back down and learn about Australia we had two guest speakers come into our room almost everyday and talk about that place like I’m not even sure why
So we sat back down and thank the loRD SHARON’S DESK WAS NOT NEXT TO MINE and anyway we all started coloring in our Australia coloring packets because we had those
All was well, I thought, except I was still reeling because Sharon was the kind of kid who stole people’s hearing aids and pretended she was deaf like this kid is was crazy and I put myself on her second grade hit list
But i tried to put my impending doom out of my brain and instead thought happy thoughts about Australia and kangaroos and that one weird thing they put on toast I can’t remember what it’s called im sorry Australia tumblr help me wait nO MARMITE IS THAT WHAT IT IS i think it’s marmite (edit: australian tumblr told me it’s vegemite)
So by that time it’s almost out of my head because im focusing too hard on marmite vegemite and things we’re going good until sharon got up to sharpen her pencil so she could stab me with it
I remembered then that when ur out in the wild and u see a brown bear ur supposed to play dead so he leaves u alone and I decide then that sharon is the bear and im just not gonna make eye contact and probably avoid her for the rest of my second grade life
Unfortunately this plan did not work because as she passed my desk on her way back
This 8 year old l i l s h i t
Whispered in my ear hey little mama “you murderer”
And now fetus me is freaking out because this had not occurred to me yet but holy fuck she’s right. I killed a plant. Not just any old plant but a baby plant. I’m a monster. A child killer. The kind of person who gets locked up forever
Killing a plant + plants are living creatures = I killed a living t h i n g
Now sharon either had terrible color pencils probably roseart or she was into psychological torture at a young age because every five seconds she made her way to that sharpener and on her way back she taunted me
U name it I was the certified cactus killer of second grade
I start silently crying onto my coloring book because the guilt is too much
My tears make another lake in Australia
This lake is going to be called “My hopes and dreams” I think to myself before scribbling over it in red, because now that I’m going to jail they’re dead
Fetus me sniffles. How am I going to tell my mom I’m a murderer she’ll never cook me chicken nuggets ever again and I’ll starve to death but maybe I deserve it because I’m a cold blooded killer
Oh, a thought passes through my child brain, this is what the class counselor meant when he said thoughts can spiral
Where’s that guy when a kid needs him, dude, because I am spiralling out of this kid sized desk
Sharon pretends to sharpen her pencil again and I brace myself for her next attack
“I’m going to tell on you” she whispers
I imagine the mother cactus stabbing me through the heart before wilting from its grief
I can face a lot of things
I’m a tough k i d no I’m not I’m sobbing
But the one thing that I can’t face
The most terrible horrible no good fate
Everyone knows that’s a plank you don’t wanna walk out on
Mrs. 2nd Grade Teacher keeps glancing at me because she knows i have strange thoughts and she doesn’t even want to know but it’s her job and she’ll have to deal with me eventually sorry mrs carlson it was real
“I wish I didn’t murder that cactus” I think
“I wish I wasn’t a teacher” mrs. 2nd Grade Teacher thinks
“I wish I was deaf so I could stop stealing hearing aids” Sharon thinks
so i tighten the hold on my guilt and by the time that bell rings I am out of there faster than I would be if there was a buffet table yes that’s fast I know because I was too young to go to jail and that’s what was gonna happen once sharon told and I know these things because I watch t.v.
That night I savour my last non-prison meal and I stare myself down in the mirror
Ur gonna survive jail I tell myself, but it sounds fake to my ears
My mom notices something is broken inside fetus me and I unload my terrible murder confession to her through my sobs
“Okay but why did u touch a cactus” she asks
“Because I really liked that cactus, mom”
“And I thought maybe he would like me too”
My mom doesn’t know what to do with me at this point because I don’t think any of my siblings were ever murderers but in conclusion she told me not to touch other people’s cacti and my teacher asked me if I touched it and I learned I can’t handle interrogation the end I hit the text limit goodbye tumblr see u next time for the ribbon story
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