Clandestine.Soul @alycab - Tumblr Blog

Gloomy day.

It’s stormy outside but I need to get up and go to work. I’m already late. Most days I’m usually sad but today is just extra lonely. I don’t know why. Maybe the hormones? Or maybe I’m reminded of how stagnant my life is even if I have already relocated to an unknown place. Or maybe I should go even more farther? When will I find my niche? I easily adapt to places but I never thrive. :( How I wish I could finally find the place I should be in and be happy before the year ends...

Just another Sunday evening...

It’s Sunday. And night. I never dreaded Mondays like this before; not until I relocated to Manila (QC to be exact). I live in a lovely neighborhood where everything- from food places to a cinema that only shows quality Pinoy films (which I really love! Watching or waiting for indie films to be shown in commercial theaters really needs too much effort for people living in Elbi since only chosen theaters far away from my quaint town show such films)- I just walk to get there just like what I do in Elbi, walk and walk from point A to point B.

I don’t really quite (TOO MUCH EUPHEMISM!) enjoy my job. Apparently, doing research is not my happy job. It’s great tho, I get higher pay (BUT ALSO DELAYED). I really haven’t figured out yet what’s wrong with my current job. I just find it boring. It’s not something that I’ll consider a life-long career.

I don’t know what’s keeping me unhappy. Is it the job itself? The delays in payment, the house? Or most probably the early morning travels and traffic.

Day 12.

Day 12. Oct 18.

So what happened to the past seven days? I haven't posted since I always fell asleep agad. Nothing really special happened in those seven days. Tired and busy but I'm noticing myself a lot more. What I like, what I don't like. Being just random. If I'm washing the dishes and in the middle I wanted to stop, I will stop because I don't feel like washing anymore.

We had a sleepover last Friday. It was raining hard I let it stopped a bit before driving. It was the most fun sleepover I had so far.

Saturday, I literally slept through the day like I didn't sleep early the night before.

Sunday until Tuesday (we had an extended long weekend), I just planned my bazaar. But not sure if i will push through. I'm so excited about it but my resources might not be enough.

Today was such a toxic day. Mama started it. Ang aga aga. I lost my temper on my way to work because of trike drivers who are so **** getting even closer to the car giving me no enough space to move forward. Then a lot of concerns came in the afternoon. Buti na lang my boss asked me if I want to have dinner out. We chilled the night away. But when I got home, I didn't feel sleepy until now I'm wide awake. Crying.

#journeytolovingmyself #justdoyou #howdoyouloveyourself

Day 5.

Day 5. Late post. Oct. 11th.

And it was another stressful day at work. I cannot concentrate with my main task that was to write a chapter in a book because my boss is like a call center. It was too noisy in our office room. After office we went out for IC's but there was an event and the org rented the whole place. We tried Jacques but it is also closed. We ended up eating at Stable. After that we had dessert and tea at Siento Café. It was gluttony day for us.

#journeytolovingmyself #howdoyouloveyourself #justdoyou #stillhateit

Day 4.

Day 4. Late post. Oct. 10th.

It was another stressful day at work. I fell asleep once I got home. Well, highlight of yesterday was, I was able to eat gourmet tuyo- I posted about it Monday that I'm craving for it. And also, I talked to Twinnie and shared with him my realizations re: my self worth.

Here also a pic of my kitten. She’s 4 mos old.

Day 3.

Day 3. Oct. 9th.

October 9... today is my heartbreak anniversary. My first heartbreak. I celebrate it every year since 2007. I would bake red velvet cake or cupcake. Today is the second year that I didn't have red velvet.

It was a manic Monday for us in the office. I did some unwinding with my boss after office. We parked at admi then walked to Baker then back. Basically just it. Nothing special. I guess there are days that are just not that special. It's just a day. Well, I did have some realizations relating to "loving myself." I said I'm too lazy to push through my Malaysia-Langkawi trip since I've grown too much apart with the group. Looking back, I was never really "part" of it. They never valued me. Now that I'm discovering *finally realizing* my worth, I don't see the need to still stick to them. I will never forget that instance where they pushed me away, told me to go home alone at 1am in a known unsafe place after a drinking session. I remembered how my high school friends came to rescue me.

#journeytolovingmyself #howdoyouloveyourself #waitingfortheone #waitingforforever

Day 2.

Day 2. October 8th.

What did I do today? Nothing. Today didn't go as planned. I was supposed to do some overtime work but I had LBM. It's a Sunday so basically I don't need to get up early. Got up past 9am, my tummy is aching. Cooked breakfast while enduring the pain. Ate brunch but I nearly didn't finish it because of my tummy. Dunno what I really ate, I was like this the whole week-- NOT LBM though. So I endured the pain the whole afternoon, tooks meds. I was able to eat dinner and my icky cheesecake in a bowl. Pic below. I'm off to dreamland now while writing this and my tummy is still aching. No LBM anymore tho. Not sure tomorrow morning. Hope it goes away already.

#journeytolovingmyself #justdoyou #howdoyouloveyourself

Day 1.

Day 1. Oct 7th.

Today is the first day I have gone figuring out how to love myself. They say do what you love, don't be too self-conscious, just do you.

Upon waking up, I texted mama asking if we will go to the travel fair at SMX, she said no. So I got up and saw the pile of clothes in my hamper. This means it's laundry day. I did my laundry but left it in the middle to buy kitty litter and cat food. I was also planning to eat at Black and Brew since I've been craving their luncheon meat, mushroom omelette, and shake. After buying Clara's litter and food, I decided to go around campus first to check on the Garden Show. Garden show is running for two weeks this year. I wanted to buy that cactus with bright pink flower on top of it but I don't have enough cash with me. After that I went around the carillion too because there's a mini fair too as part of the Loyalty celebration. Then finally I went back to Vega for brunch. I placed my order. I put ketchup on my luncheon meat and egg the way I want it-- zigzag, dots of hot sauce in between. After finishing my food, I went home. I finished my laundry, cleaned Clara's litter, bathed, and then we went to Sta. Rosa. Checked on items I might need this December if our visa will be approved. I also bought Clara a cutie shirt with Beep Beep on it. I thought it fits her well she's like a typhoon. Haha.

I wish I heal quick. I wish by the end of the year I am already healed and that the ONE will come next year.

#journeytolovingmyself #loveyourself #healing #waitingfortheone #waitingforforever

Maybe you chose this time to go so I won't have that much time to wallow. I am busy with work. Maybe you chose this time where I have ample money to give you a decent funeral. Maybe you chose this time so I can go back to having an active lifestyle for I am in my heaviest already. Maybe you chose this time where I saw you suffering from pain and I am willing to let go. Maybe the timing was good. Maybe you really made sure I am ready to let go; maybe yes... But there was never a second that I didn’t miss you. There was never a second that I didn’t think of you. You know how sad I become when you left? I became even more sadder, sadder than ever. Maybe this time, the reason for my sadness became clearer. I maybe bursting into laughter when I am outside the house, but the moment I part ways with people around me, I feel that surge of sadness, of longing. I always go home with a heavy heart knowing no one will be excited to see me come home. I am no longer careful opening the door frightened you might run out of the house. No one comes by the door as I open it... you meowing frantically as if you weren't fed the whole day and when I check you food bowl, you just the middle and made a hole out of your food, I just have to shake it and you will eat it. Or is it just your way of saying you missed me?

I miss you in every corner of the house. You basically slept and peed in every corner of it-- as you grow, you have managed to have slept in every possible place you could sleep on in this house. The moment you got really sick, I decided that you sleep in my room, no matter how dirty it might get. I allowed you to pee anywhere and poo anywhere as long as you pee and poo (that is more important). Every 4 in the morning you would come up my bed tray/laptop table and just stare at me. I really don’t know your purpose of doing that. Is that your way of checking if I will be okay if you leave? Because for few times, I tried giving you food when you do that, but you won’t eat. You just want cuddles and I tell you how much I love you. It’s been 45 days and I still haven't went back to our room to sleep. It’s sad I will be sleeping alone again. And I am so sorry I only let you in to sleep when you were already sick. When I think of those nights you will come rushing as I go inside my room and I also rush in to close the door so you can’t come in (because you might mess with the stuff on the floor), I feel so guilty and it hurts me. I can only just wish to turn back time and not do that to you. The sadness in your eyes... I can only imagine you walking back and finding a spot to sleep in the house. When you got sick and bounced back a little from your old self and I let you sleep in, I saw your joy of sleeping inside my room, maybe not beside me but just with me. I wanted you to sleep with me in my bed but you chose to sleep on your own bed.

Today is another day without you. Another day of living in your memories. You gave me a heartbreak I know I can never be healed from.

I miss you so much my baby bear. Mallow bear... thank you for for staying until you knew I can do it already. I maybe sad everyday but I can do it. It won’t be bearable for me too, seeing you in pain. You fought really hard and long. All the vets who checked you got amazed upon knowing your age and your condition. You were such a fighter! I miss you dearly, my little fighter bear... you’ve been here since I was 11 (you were 3 mos old). You were there when Mommy died, when I graduated from grade school, my first heart break, my high school graduation, my thesis journey, my college graduation, and when I got my first job. I was dreaming you will be enjoying my paychecks. You did, I did spend my first few paychecks for you but not for toys but for meds... I thought you’d also be here when I get married and have kids (but you’ll always be my number 1 baby).

Today, I woke up extra early with (literally) a heavy heart, a heart that longs for your fluffiness and your pasaway deeds. It’s just after 46 days that I had a chance to write my overflowing sadness. I miss cuddling with you after a long day. I miss the calming smell of your head, our 4 o’clock habit. I miss everything about you. I miss you being around...

Here, celebrating your last birthday.

#cats warriorcats babybear mallowmiguel mallowbear catsph

Orange

ORANGE by Alyssa Cabrera Orange is the color of the setting sun Orange is the smell of a sunset breeze in a beach Orange is the color of a starfish Orange is the sound of hush of the waves Orange is the color of the sun’s reflected rays in the clouds Orange is summer Orange is the taste of a cold glass of orange juice Orange is the color of a pretty summer dress Orange is the taste of marmalade on a toast Orange is a carrot bunnies’ love Orange is the color of a ribbon on an April’s birthday gift Orange is the sound of a flickering candle light Orange is the sound of a field of dandelions blowing freely in the wind Orange is the color of an unhurried pace of life Orange is bright Orange is sad Orange is yet full of hope Orange is serenity and warmth Orange is the sound of a music box I had known somewhere a long time ago Orange is the color of a promise of eternity Orange is a place where time stand still Orange is the traces of laughter, sweetness, and bliss Orange is the most comforting hugs, the sincerest kisses, and the gentlest touches Orange is the significance of a pain that will last forever Orange is a perfect tale of Clandestine Soul’s life

#orange colorpoem poem

I just want to live. Live life to the fullest. How come some girls my age or even younger already drive their own cars, started saving for their dream house, has stable job, and a love life? And even travel whenever they want to? I'm running out of time! I'm missing a lot on my "youth." I want to be free from all these shit!

9th of January

It’s the 9th day of the year and today, I felt the first sadness of the year. What’s with the number 9? That number has always been sad for me.

I was suppose to sleep this afternoon but I ended up binge-watching the films I just downloaded. The last film I watched is the indie film Mariquina. The characters were full of hatred and pain, you can see in them their struggle to live despite their misery. I am affected. Somehow, I can relate to them. It really changed my mood. Gosh, what has happened to me? I can’t write as good as before. I have a lot to share but I don’t know how. I’ll just write randomly, whatever comes to my mind first. Consider this as an open emotional diary.

The film was so painful, I was waiting for myself to cry. But I didn’t. I cry easily on films like this, I don’t know what happened now. I just feel sad. Sad. After watching the film, I gave Mallow his supplements first. It’s suppose to be twice a day, I’ll give him his second dose later. I gave him his supplements and after that I went out to light up and look at the stars. We have a beautiful view of the night sky in our house. There’s gentle cool breeze while I was staring at the night sky, trying to look for Jonathan. But I think I totally forgot where it is located. I wish I could locate it again.

Since this AM, so many thoughts have been running in my mind. I need a job. A job with a decent pay. I was also thinking if I will buy my own house or just renovate our house- bring back it’s old grandeur or both. But thinking about it, this is not in my name, I can’t call it my own. I want something I can call my own because that’s what I lack. I never had something I can call my own. But at the same time, I grew up here. All my memories good, mostly bad (sadly, the sad memories prevail). So, in my head, I’m always debating if I should get one of my own or stay here. I’ve been wanting to let go but it’s not easy. I hope I learn to do that SOON. I want to be free...

susannedraws-deactivated2026012

All of my reading fictional characters :) Hermione, Eleanor, Hazel, Annabeth, Wendy, Matilda, Cath, Shizuku, Belle, Alice, Elizabeth & Liesel. You can look at the whole series here: {x}

The sun has finally set. Eternity calls, I am to come. Dancing and prancing through the clouds, through the stars, towards the gates of Heaven.

It’s a gloomy Sunday afternoon here. My allergy to rain is making my day even worse. I’m lying on my bed as I write this, half sleepy, half shit and my New Year’s salubong playlist on loop. I have some work to do but I seem not able to get myself doing it. Maybe because it’s Sunday? I’ve been down in the dumps this past week. It peaked last Tuesday that I want to rush myself to the ER. I’ve reached out to friends to get me a good shrink. I was suppose to see her Thursday but when I woke up last Wednesday, I was feeling better. And normal. So I guess it can wait until my next attack.

I’m writing random things right now because I just feel it. I just want to let out my thoughts. I literally do not know what I want to do with my life right now. Is this quarter life crisis? I started my first work two weeks ago. It’s just a freelance work, tho. Everything happens too fast. A lot of jobs had been offered to me since I graduated last December but I felt like I’m still not ready. Half a year has passed I was quite feeling bummed already for waking up in the morning, watch Kris TV while having breakfast, then a good movie or a TLC show, then watch more shows, scroll my Facebook and Twitter feed endlessly, or do Pinteresting, sleep if I must, then train in the late afternoon, go home, eat, watch more drama, if not, drink to death. It has become a routine. And I’m starting to hate it. So when this freelance job was offered to me, even if I’m half-hearted, I grabbed it. I’m not getting any younger. I do not have any work experiences yet except for my college internship. All shit was being thrown at me so I decided being away from home for a while might be a good thing (well, not that I have to leave my beloved cat, Mallow too :(). It was quite stressful during the first days then I slowly adjusted. I was enjoying the experience, the people. I did that for two weeks. I rested for the weekend then here comes the writing for report. I guess, that part’s making me feel this way right now. Haha. It’s just that, it’s still not within my gauge until now. Just quite. Well, as I have told myself before, I want to do a job related to my course for a while so I can use what I have studied. I decided to do this job until the end of the year. Save up then hopefully do what I want. What do I want then? I want to bake and act. That’s all. Both requires a lot of spending. I don’t want to ask anymore, I want to provide for myself. I hope some miracle will come my way soon and make these possible. Aaaahhh. I hope things get better soonest in my life.

coffee-tea-and-sympathy

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