33 was the most heartbreaking year ever.
I had looked forward to that birthday for as long as I can remember. It was supposed to be one of the best. It turned out to be the most devastating. I spent most of the year stuck in trauma just in shock. Unable to function and every time I thought I might be okay I got hit by another horrific loss.
I held Binx in my arms to his last breath. I held my dad’s hand to his last breath. I watched them both die 6 months apart. My dad only days before my birthday. This birthday didn’t even feel like a birthday. I cannot stop crying. My oldest sisters made the experience so much more painful and excruciating then it needed to be. Finding ways to try to belittle my feelings telling me that they were inappropriate or acting like they have any idea who he was and as if they were closer with him then me and I was nothing. I was not nothing and every indication made that my relationship with him was a bond they don’t have with him I’ve never seen the green envy monster come out so viciously then I did those days. Losing him and grieving all the things in the future he will not ever get to be apart of that they don’t have to grieve or even willing to begin to understand that I am grieving has been brutal. Like if I ever get married I will never get to dance with him to the song I picked out decades ago, he won’t meet any kids I might have not see them grow up either, meet my future husband, see me get a license, etc. I knew those women would make the final days challenging but never in my wildest dreams thought they would stoop so low or take every opportunity to take cuts at me. At least when it’s all over they can finally exit any part of my life and no longer will I have to know updates about them or Dad lie about where he is when they would come into town because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings I wasn’t invited. I wish he would of felt like he could of been honest instead of avoid me during those days because I was not the one with the problem of their existence, they have always been the ones who couldn’t stand I exist. They wanted him dead and I’m still haunted how that final day they tried to get the nurse to up his morphine to overdose him to in her words speed up the inevitable process. Thank god my stepmom put a stop to that. The second to last day the first time he opened his eyes was for me when I entered the room. From then on they kept prompt demanding him to open his eyes for him. I thought it was cruel to ask of someone being dosed with sedative medicine and opioids. He held my hand so tightly that second to last day that it was one of the hardest things when told I needed to go so my stepmom could get some rest. Prying my fingers out from between his where bruises were left between his fingers where mine had been with how tightly he had held on and pulled to have our hands resting across his heart. From the moment I got there I was stuck at his bedside. Not that I minded however it was awkward when my sisters had come back to say goodnight hoping I was gone , I got there when they had been leaving to go get dinner or whatever, I did apologize for not being able to leave the room. One I don’t think she said anything to me the entire time so odd. The other just kept acting like he had done the same with her earlier which I know was not true. That last day when we got the call in the morning to come over he was about to go it was almost like they were angry and annoyed that when I walked into the room he rallied and his heartbeat became strong and oxygen bounced back up to 92. Them asking so another half hour or…. Man if ever could I have been disgusted by a reaction then I was to their response to being told by nurses no now more like late afternoon. He died right before 3pm. When Binx died he also parted around that very same time frame. I still don’t understand why I could close Binx mouth after but was told they couldn’t close my fathers mouth which is why I didn’t go back into the room after he passed that final moment where it sounded like he was trying to say something in his last breath and the life drain from his face is burned into my mind. I screamed no and collapsed to the floor. Not really sure how I ended up on the floor one second I’m crying onto the hand I was holding the next thing I know I’m on the floor in hysterics and yelled out fuck you
to whoever in a stone cold voice loudly stated I was completely inappropriate and to drag her out of here she’s completely out of line. I have no regrets to saying fuck you bitch to whoever it was I had every right to react authentically. Honestly the scream that came out of me was primal didn’t even sound like me. It reminded me of those whails from a mother at her child’s funeral to be blunt. How dare he leave me and not hold on a few more days to be there for my birthday. They wanted him to go and got their desire. If there hadn’t been such medical negligence on his care of his shoulder replacement that got infected with mrsa and was not attended to with immediate necessary attention I truly believe he would still be here. The lack of care for the elderly is horrifying and disgusting at how they are treated as if they don’t deserve to live and thrive because they are old and “ lived long enough” it’s so wrong. The infection with how many medical care professionals were around him on a weekly basis and a wound care specialty team should have never occurred. Truly how no one sounded the alarm not the ones bathing him. Not the ones changing the bandage. It’s unreal. The first time I saw it i couldn’t believe how no one thought it oozing green and black was infection let alone swollen red and hot skin it screamed Mrsa. Everyone dismissed my statements until cultured confirmed. It was very frustrating being someone who has battled mrsa more then half my life to be dismissed constantly trying to get others to get him the care needed was agonizing. But no one ever listens to me I am always dismissed and written off despite how more then most of the time , nearly always later on am proved to have been accurate and had anyone listened would of been spared so much wasted time and pain could of been avoided.
I have no idea how I am supposed to ever feel okay again. It feels like my insides have been scooped out with an ice cream scoop to be hollowed out and half my soul has been torched and extinguished. I’ve cried so much it’s unreal. I have no idea how I am going to get to New York for the burial next month as he wanted to be buried in the family plot. I wish he was having a wake so I could get that last image out of my mind and replace with him looking more peaceful but I wasn’t allowed to see him after the mortuary had him which I think is so cruel to deny me that. I am worried I won’t be included in the photo slideshow. My oldest sister is in charge of making the digital slideshow which I was like awesome one more thing she has been given power over to try to erase me from his life or make it appear as if I wasn’t around when I was around the most. I mean she had made a photo frame collage that she hung on the wall near his bedside on his bedroom wall, no idea how my stepmom felt about that or if she was even asked if that was okay to be done I mean it’s her bedroom too, and in the photos it had his kids and grandkids and my stepmom in there but guess who was missing? Yup me and my brother. There is no excuse she chose to block me and made her husband and children do the same. Both the two oldest did that with some crazy lie that it made their mothers family feel uncomfortable to see me on their friend list on social. It makes no sense but whatever. However my profiles are public and I know photos of me are on our dads facebook so she could of gotten photos of me and my brother she just didn’t want to. At least I made sure they didn’t get to cut me and my brother from having something in the casket with him but she tried.
they wanted to kiss his favorite pillow his head is resting on. I had no objection to us doing that but I stated for it to be done properly it needed to probably done with acrylic paint because otherwise it will be a mess and not look how they wanted it to turn out. You would have thought I suggested they apply dog shit to their mouths instead of paint. I was like you can just put it on to do the kiss and wipe it off with a makeup wipe immediately after. I tried to explain how regular lipstick is waxy and emollient so it won’t dry down and would smear and probably get in his hair and stain his skin on his face and/or scalp and would be a mess. Liquid lipstick would just bleed into the fabric and not look like a kiss print at all. I guess none of them have ever fallen asleep with a highlighter cap off and had the tip rest into a bed sheet before. lol. It also would crack and crumble if it did for some reason print and not bleed into fabric and would come off. You think being the only artist they would take my information into consideration but no I got of course dismissed like I had no idea what I was speaking about. Smh. The oldest tried to say they could spray it with hairspray I just was stunned unable to find words like it’s not pastel being used , second I doubt my stepmom owns aresol hairspray or the type that is even used to set artwork when appropriate ( aquanet, big sexy ) let alone now she was saying not only let’s stain and ruin his skin and hair let’s also make the man sticky. Like are you Fing kidding me!?! Then she tried to say well it’s just for us it doesn’t need to look pretty. I stand by my statement well if your going to do something might as well do it right so it’s visually anesthetic and looks intentional. She also said something about how they had done it for her husbands mother and that was something she chimed in with semi often throughout the two days and honestly I dgaf what you did for a completely different human being and gender , our dad is not her!!! Not to mention the man was OCD so it’s a bit horrifying you want to make his final resting space be something that would of drove him up the wall and definitely had a fit over with demands of it being redone or fixed. I however when it came down to it was left out of course. They could of brought his pillow out I didn’t need to go back into that room to be included. No idea what lipstick they used none of them had any on. I had asked my stepmom few days after if they had done their pillow idea though I hesitated to ask I needed to know and she confirmed they had and that it had gone exactly as I said it would disastrously. So they ruined the man’s favorite pillow. SMH. I was pissed to say the least to been once again excluded. I’m so sorry they cannot stand that he had more children but my brother and I do exist and we have every right to be acknowledged as his children and have a rightful place as his children and I am so tired of having to fight and defend my title as his daughter. The only child who ever lived with him full time to make it more my point how much them trying to write me out of his story really cuts deep. The oldest cut him out of her life in total for 20+ years where she didn’t have a relationship because she had cut him out. Each of my siblings have a various numbered amount of years of having cut out our dad from their lives and contact. I am the only one who never cut him out of my life. I got my stepmom to agree to bring an item from me and Mike to be included so we would have some trace in there as his children since they decided to make his ruined pillow their mark. My brother included a baseball that he had gifted him years ago with all the teammates signatures in the ball that was already at the house for my stepmom to grab to include. I had gifted my dad a perfect seashell one birthday that I had intended to write a quote in but had misplaced it at the time so I had written it into his card instead. I still have a box of shells from that local beach.
so I gave up my many failed attempts of letter writing or finding a poem I wrote him or anything else and went with two sea shells that I kissed the inside with an OFRA liquid lipstick in the shade Malibu that I honestly when bought did not think it would be that pigmented lol or bright of blue but for this it worked wonders. I also set them with the one size waterproof sweat proof aresol makeup setting spray to make it permanent with a saying on the inside
love boundless as the oceans 🩵”
and the other one I wrote” 🩵 your lil mermaid”
He and my mom always called me their little mermaid and would joke I had gills because they conceived me in the ocean and could swim long before I could walk.
I also printed out a photo of us holding hands in the caymans in our backyard there at sunset and my favorite picture of us at Halloween he loved Halloween and dressing up and scaring children who came to get candy. Even last year he still sat out and gave candy doing a character he created. If I had known I would of gone over but my stepmom really kept me from him his last few years which made this loss so much harder because I was fighting so hard to get time with him and I was denied it when I needed him most. The first person I went to after Binx died was his house. He even teared up. That was the last pet he ever had despite their very passive aggressive relationship that was just so ridiculous it was funny to everyone else. These were the photos I had printed and all the items to be placed in his shirt pocket over his heart where he held my hand those last days.
I always feared but knew I would loose binx and him in the same year but I really had hoped it would not happen. 6 months apart just brutal. BINX TWO DAYS AFTER MY HALF BIRTHDAY , MY DAD TWO DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. Throw some friend deaths and a cousin death in there and not to mention my husky Luke had been murdered in November. It’s just been a lot and I don’t think I am ever going to be okay again. Pray for me to make it through these next two weeks with having to deal with my sisters and get through these next two celebrations of life events. Ugh. 😑
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