Kaden had always been the over protective type, meaning that seeing her that close to someone else set something off in him even though he didn’t have the right to be that way. He should have expected that, he really should have. It’d been so many years that they’d been together, did he really think she would have stayed single for all this time? No, but it wasn’t something he ever wanted to think about because it brought up so much pain, so much hurt and it took him back to the past and that caused his heart to shatter all over again. Having to think about what they were, what they could have been, to think about the fact he had shattered them both.. it was almost far too much to handle. This was Kaden, though, and the alcohol coursing through his system caused him to make his choices via impulse decisions. Were those decisions good ones? Probably not as he knew she’d probably lash out at him. But even though he knew it wasn’t a good idea to approach her, he knew he deserved every single thing she threw at him.. and deep down? He wanted her to lash out, wanted her to scream and yell at him because he’d made the worst choice of his life by leaving her with little to no explanation as to why he had to leave her. Yes, he’d though about writing her a letting at some point in the last few years, but he figured that would have blown over like a lead balloon. Not to mention the fact that happened to be a topic that was one that should be talked about face to face, not over text, phone call, email or handwritten letter. But seeing her, with another guy, looking genuinely happy caused the space where his heart used to be ache. Sure, he’d left her, but it was only to protect her.. did she know that? No, he hadn’t gotten the chance to explain because he was far too scared that something was going to happen to her before he had the chance to fully explain and get the hell out of dodge. It was his fault the both of them were broken-hearted, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about her. He’d been selfish in letting her get behind his wall in the first place, so he made the choice to stop being selfish in order to keep her out of trouble. He did everything he had just to keep her safe.
The alcohol in his system caused him to dwell on one thing, the fact that he was staring at the person he fell head over heels with grinding on someone who he’d never seen before, but someone he never wanted to see anywhere near her or him ever again. It took ever bit of self control he had to not bunch the dude in the face as a way to get his anger out. Was he angry at her? No. He couldn’t blame her for wanting to move on, he’d actually hoped she would at some point in time so he wasn’t angry at her, or the stranger she was with. He was angry with himself, angry that he’d never told her why he had to leave. Never told her that even though he did it, he didn’t want to and it was one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing he’d ever had to do in his life. He was angry at the fact he ruined everything, angry at the fact that seeing her after all these years made him think of every good moment they’d had together. Angry at the fact that he’d been ready to propose to her but because of his business and lifestyle, he had to break it off. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think about that. He could have given the lifestyle up, told the people who threatened him to fuck off and left it at that. But his business was in his blood and because it had been his father’s business before his own, he couldn’t just give it up that easily. So he fell into his old ways, started acting however he wanted, doing whatever and whoever he wanted because he knew that him living that way would keep him from getting hurt but it would also keep her from getting even more hurt and would keep her safe and out of harms way. Did he wish that he could take it all back? To figure out a way to deal with the situation but keep her by his side in the process. He couldn’t think about all of that, not right now, not with him being as drunk as he was. He’d never been good with dealing with his emotions.. especially when it came to anger or pain. Kaden being drunk just intensified that issue ten fold. He could feel it building up, the years and years of pain, anger and hurt. Causing him to be extremely susceptible to lashing out and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Because as much as he wanted to lash out on the stranger, he knew the other male didn’t deserve it. Knew that his action of pulling the other away from her was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. His feet took him to her before he even realized what he was doing.. and before he could change his mind, he’d grabbed the other male by the collar and pulled him away from Alyssa.
There was a small part of him that’s almost wished he hadn’t been so rude to the girl who’d been dancing with him before as she would have been a really good way to get rid of the anger and stress that was building up inside of him. He’d brought it upon himself, sure, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t feel some type of way about the situation. He’d been lost in those thoughts, in trying to contain the anger and hurt that he didn’t even realize her hand had raised. Not until he felt the sharp sting of her palm slapping him across the cheek. Her action causing his ability to contain things to break, a look of heartbreak gracing his features for a split second before he was clenching his jaw shut. “I can’t say that I didn’t deserve that because we both know I did.” He mumbled out softly, his hand reaching up to rub his cheek for a moment. It stung, sure. But the thought that he’d caused her to do such an action stung far worse. The thought that he’d hurt her that bad, that stung. But it was something she felt was necessary, so the action went without him getting angry with her. Instead he was broken, far more than he had been ever since he’d had to leave her. That was his punishment, though, one he welcomed with open arms because he’d dealt with everything wrong and he knew that. But what hurt him the most were the tears that began to well up in her eyes. That was like a million daggers to the heart and he wanted nothing more than to take everything back, to pull her into a hug and tell her he was sorry. For everything he had done over the years.
His drunkenness caused him to start to reach out for her, only for him to realize what he was doing and place his hand right back at his side. What an idiot. He thought to himself, taking a deep breath as he took a miniscule step backwards. He had a feeling that if he’d fully extended his arm that he would have received another slap to the face. Which he would have also deserved, if he was being honest with himself. But none of that mattered anymore, the way he felt was pushed aside due to the look on her features. One that had him thinking about her waking up at their apartment only to find a letter on his pillow and him no where in sight. He’d thought about that many times before, knowing she had to have been devastated.. which killed him to think about. But she didn’t know about the dreams he’d had of her getting put in harms way because of his selfishness. She didn’t know that he hated himself for what he did. Didn’t know that he hadn’t gotten a good nights sleep since he’d left her because he missed having her by his side. She didn’t know that to this day, he still had dreams about her. About the life they could have had together. It was all a form of torture to him, but he let it happen. Let himself think about what could have been because it was what he deserved. He deserved to not be happy, deserved to hurt every time he though about her. Deserved to have that forever on his mind because he was the one that caused all of it. He was brought back out of his thoughts by the sound of her screaming at him, causing him to flinch ever-so-slightly. They’d never gotten into huge arguments before so that sound was extremely foreign to his ears. But her words weren’t false and he knew that. “I- know.” He admitted, shaking his head lightly. “I don’t know what got into me. I’m- I’ll go talk to him and explain in a second.” His words were soft, far more so than they had been in years. But he’d messed up enough in her life, he wasn’t about to mess this up too.
Kaden had thought about them running into each other again many, many times in his life but never did he expect it to be at a club while both of them were with other people. He’d hoped it would have been far more calm, somewhere where he was sober and in his right mind. But it was funny, the way the world worked. Now they were standing in the middle of a dance floor with tons of people glancing over at them due to the raised voices of the pair. Which caused him to glance around the building, realizing that a causing a scene here wasn’t the best idea. But he didn’t care, not at the moment. There was so much to talk about with her and after five years, he felt himself just wanting to stand there and take her in. But her question caused a brow to raise slightly, nudging his shoulders towards his group of men who happened to be huddled around a table. “I saw you from up there and I don’t know… feet brought me here before I even knew what the fuck I was doing.” Kaden answered truthfully, his brow raising at her cutting herself off from insulting the person he’d been with. “Nobody. She’d nobody… someone one of my men brought with them.” He continued, glancing back over towards the group of people, watching as they all realized who Kaden was speaking to. Their faces going from shocked to concern all within a matter of seconds..that’s when he realized that here was not the place to have a conversation. He was putting them both at risk, something he’d been avoiding for years. See, Kaden didn’t care if he was in danger. Hell, he boxed almost nightly at this point so getting knocked around was something he’d grown accustomed to. It was her he wanted to keep safe. Had been since day one. “To talk to you.” He blurted out, his gaze finding his feet for a moment as he took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to ask her to move to one of the rooms with him. “Something I should have done years ago. But we can’t do that here. We can go to the VIP room upstairs, have everyone clear out of it or go out the back door to talk, that’s up to you but I’m not forcing you do do anything you don’t want to. I will understand if you don’t want to talk, however if you do, know that I can’t tell you everything here, it’s far too public and doing so would put you at risk. But I swear to you that I will sooner rather than later.”
He left me with a note, Alyssa thought. Out of everything that had happened that night, the only thing that was truly ringing inside her head was that he left her a note and nothing else. That was the only explanation he had given her as to why he did what he did, and it wasn’t enough. Try as she might to understand his intentions, the fact that he thought a note would cut it didn’t sit well with her then and it definitely didn’t sit well with her now. One day, they were holding hands as they walked around campus, and the next, she woke up to an empty bed and his belongings nowhere in sight. The only thing that he had left her was some stupid note that made her feel even worse. The shock lasted for a couple of days, and that was why she hadn’t really cried that much the first few days after he was gone, and little did he know that it took her having to change the bedsheets to actually break down and cry, the fact that he was gone truly sinking in when she realized that the pillow cases on his side of the bed were the only things that left his scent. Everything else he had, he took with him and there was nothing for her left other than the realization that even though he brought her into his world, showed him who he truly was, let her believe that their future together was something that was very much a real possibility, it still wasn’t enough for him to stay. It wasn’t enough for him to let her have a choice in the matter in the first place.
If Alyssa was being really honest with herself, she knew that was what she was truly angry about. She could understand why he did why he did. She understood that he had to have a reason for his actions, and she knew exactly what it was with the measly note he left her, but what she loathed more than anything was that he never gave her a choice in the matter. She could’ve tried to convince him, they could’ve done something to keep her safety even more protected, they could’ve worked something out together but instead, she was left behind with nothing more than the fact that what she could’ve said or done to change his mind wouldn’t have mattered. It was then that she felt betrayed, she felt cheated, she felt so hurt that she wished she could take her own heart out, just so the pain in her own chest would stop, even for just a little while. It reminded her of one of her patients, of this tiny little baby whose heart was beating out of his chest while he had been in his mother’s womb, and Alyssa had a grueling surgery where she had to make sure the heart would be placed back inside the baby’s chest, all while making sure the mother would stay alive, even after removing the baby from her womb in an emergency C-section. It was a procedure that Alyssa would never forget, and standing here in front of Kaden reminded her of that little baby and though she knew it was wrong, she wished nothing more than to have her own heart ripped out, only for it to be taken back inside once she was sure the pain was gone.
However, the pain would never be fully gone and she knows that. In fact, the pain would even triple now that she was dealt with this conversation, with the fact that she had come home for good, only to be faced with someone she hadn’t seen in five long years, someone she thought she’d be married to at this age, at this time, someone who would’ve been the father of her children, someone she wanted to grow old with. All those memories, all those promises, they were nothing but bullshit now, weren’t they? Alyssa wanted for him to get angry at her, to scream back, to fight back, but his rather calm tone, instead of placating her, made her even angrier. She wanted to take out all of her anger out on him, and she knew the tears that were still threatening to spill were now becoming more tears of frustration and anger rather than sadness. The sadness was starting to ebb, even though it was still there, and was replaced with a flaming hot burst of anger, making her see red. As of the moment, Alyssa didn’t give a fuck about anybody else in that club. She didn’t care about his friends, she didn’t care about the dancing people around her, she didn’t care. She just wanted to scream. All those years of hiding what she felt and here she was with the chance to let it all out and dear God, she wanted to let it all out. Alyssa wasn’t sure what she’d do if she wouldn’t, and she was surprised by how bitter her own voice sounded when she replied, “Of course you fucking deserve it.” It was harsh, and it sounded so crude coming from her but it was out there in the open now, and she couldn’t take it back. She wished she could take back the slap but a small part of her felt oddly satisfied with it, with letting him feel even a small fraction of the pain that he caused her, the pain she had to deal with on her own for the past five years, and a fresh wave of shame ran through her because of feeling that. She shouldn’t feel that at all, but were they really still in a position to be considered emotionally stable?
She took in all the little details that were happening as of the moment, the way he reached out to her but stopped midway, the way he flinched when he heard her screaming, and there was still so much anger in her because she knows that even though she could hit him and hurt him and give back as much of the pain that he gave, she still loved him. Stupid little girl, she thought as she looked up at him, letting herself stop talking, stop screaming, for just a moment. He hurt you, and you’re still here, letting your heart get broken again by listening to him, by letting him back into your life even for just a night, by giving him a chance to explain something you wished you knew years ago but had lost hope of ever hearing. Stupid girl. Her thoughts were causing her to get even angrier, but now that anger was directed at herself and she knew that she needed to get out of there before she lost her mind. “Nobody,” Alyssa repeated, her voice now taking on a low tone. She was no longer screaming but she was still too tightly wound to consider herself above screaming. For now, though, she was still seeing red, especially with the image of him with some girl grinding against him still very much fresh in her mind. Alyssa couldn’t help but scoff at him, but she found that she had nothing else to say on the matter. In fact, she didn’t even want to talk about him dancing with some other girl because she was jealous and though she’d never admit, she also knew that she had no right to be. Better stop talking now in case she’d make an even bigger fool of herself. Following his glance, she noticed a group of men looking at them warily and some of them were familiar, and some of them weren’t but she knew that she would talk to Kaden, with or without an audience present, but with clenched fists, she forced herself to think rationally for just one second, even though his calm tone still made her mad. “You’re right. You should’ve done this years ago.” Alyssa’s eyes were narrowed before raising her arms up in surrender. “Fine, whatever. Talk to me upstairs then,” Alyssa said through gritted teeth before turning on her heels and paving a way through the crowd, fulling expecting him to follow her.
She didn’t know why she was leading the way. She didn’t know why she was giving him a chance to talk to her after so long because he was right, this conversation should’ve happened back then and not when she was five years older, in a slightly better place and with the lie that she had moved on, a lie that she somehow convinced herself was true. Maybe Alyssa just wanted to scream at him in private, maybe she wanted to hit him again but either way, she found herself getting into one of the VIP rooms on the upper floor and practically slammed the door as soon as the both of them were inside. Alyssa took a moment to hold onto that door handle and closed her eyes, forcing herself to think clearly. Even with all the drinks in her system, she understood that this entire conversation could change everything, at least with everything except the past since that wasn’t something a few words could fix. In fact, nothing in this world could fix that, but here she was anyways, giving him a chance to soothe his conscience. She whirled around to face him with her arms crossed over her chest and practically marched towards him, her demeanor one that was demanding yet confused, scared but too stubborn to show it, curious yet pained all at the same time. “We’re here, so talk. What is it that you couldn’t have told me five years ago, huh? What is so important that you had to tell me when you saw me instead of telling me, oh I don’t know, a year ago? Two? I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t even be having this conversation in the first place if you hadn’t seen me so just spit it out,” Alyssa’s voice was hard and she knew she was struggling to control herself. “Why don’t you just admit that this is something that you want to do because it’ll help you fall asleep better tonight? Because I gave you a fucking chance to soothe your fucking conscience and lull it to satisfactory place so you won’t hate yourself for what you did even though you should, you selfish, horrible bastard. Huh?” Alyssa removed her arms to push against his solid chest, wanting to solicit a reaction from him. “Tell me! Why the fuck did you think a fucking note would cut it? A fucking note. That’s all I deserve, huh? After everything, all you left me was a fucking note.” She shoved him again, wanting him to fight back. Alyssa knew she was all over the place but she truly didn’t care.
