Sometimes, when I really miss touching myself, I'll look at porn with women playing with their cunts and think back to how good it used to feel when I could do the same.
It's been so long now but I can remember exactly the sensation of slipping my hand down between my thighs, finding my cunt already wet and dripping, and stroking my slick fingers up and across my clit. I remember exactly how I would move them to tease myself, to get myself closer to coming, and to push myself over the edge. I remember how it felt to fly over the edge and be able to draw out my orgasm by pressing my fingers a little harder or rubbing my throbbing clit at just the right angle.
Watching other woman enjoying what I don't have doesn't make it any easier. Instead, it just reminds me of the scale of what he's had me give up to him. All that pleasure, all that power, it's all his now — he controls every bit of pleasure that my cunt feels. He hasn't even used any toys on my cunt — no vibrators, no dildos, nothing except his hands, his cock, and his mouth. Every single second of pleasure my cunt has experienced over the past 16 months has been at his discretion and has come from him.
Among many other things, it's created a powerful connection in my head between my pleasure and him. If I want my cunt to feel good, I need him — I can't do it on my own. I can't even squirm and squeeze my thighs together to steal some sensation for myself. It makes me feel even more eager and compliant, because I want to do everything I can to earn his attentions.
It's also strengthened my understanding of my ass as my center of pleasure, as he puts it. When I'm frustrated and pent up and he's not here, I think about how good it would feel to fuck my ass with a big dildo and, if I'm allowed to train my ass that day, I'll spend a long time doing exactly that. Sometimes, instead of reaching down and playing with my clit, I'll reach down and tease and stroke my asshole, focusing on the sensation there, telling myself that the ache in my clit is actually centered on my asshole and that playing with it helps to ease the frustration. My cunt has essentially become something for him to enjoy — my ass is my true source of pleasure.
But then… I see a video or photo of someone playing with themselves the way I used to, and I feel the intensity of what I've sacrificed to him. And, as frustrating as it is at times, it also feels so beautiful to have given him my cunt. I'm very grateful.
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