Untitled

so deleting all of this felt like erasing two years of my life I'll just drop it here incase you ever wonder if I lied about the waiting, I did not.

[pawkimishra]

Hi

So yeah I was here for probably longer than I should have been. I don't know where else to be really I never realised it's so lonely typing out to the love of your life while they don't even know you. Let me plead my case though okay? When you are brought up in a joint family you don't really long for anything ever and I'm the youngest child so you can only guess. I suck at communication because these people they read me somehow so I was never taught how to express which is a good thing because it's so nice being seen like that and also bad because not everybody is them. You are not them. You are the only person I have ever looked at. Honestly. I didn't even want to see you I tried not to so hard for so long 'cause gosh you blind me. But then I couldn't stop maybe because I had never felt anything like this before and I can't even now it's just you and something about you and I think it will always be you. It's beautiful, so beautiful and so tough to deal with. I have zero idea about why on earth would I be blessed like that for a couple of months and then deprived of you. I mean "I'm yours" OH GOD I lived by it. I really did. I never have to question anything because my family is the only set of people I talk to and for some reason I believed you're family. I still do though the difference being you never really saw me. I didn't question anything because not even the last two of my braincells ever considered a chance where you could have just said things like that. I don't interact much, just my fam, you're fam so I always truly believed you'd be back one day when you realise I exist and then we'd cry on the waiting and laugh on how childish we were and it'll be a happily ever after. Lol.

It is crazy how your name affects me maybe because the one thing I have wanted to do ever since I was a child is talk to you and I don't even deserve it I think but I have always tried to be worthy of speaking to you which is an extremely unique emotion considering nothing makes me nervous but you and somehow things played out and I think I got the one thing I have been aching for and then it just stopped and it never really came along straightforward but you know how we chase the moon from a car window. It was convenient to wait because that was beautiful, honestly, I haven't tried conversing with anyone else ever but nothing can top that, guaranteed. Not holding on brought up questions which I wasn't ready to ask. It was easier to just dedicate a place to you and write things to calm down praying you return someday than to hold up any why at all. I was never really ready to not love you and it was never my place to hold on. I just don't know how to say it but I could literally speech out every single word of everything you posted. I remember seeing that green dot on your profile and feeling my heart race. I have grown up fighting a feeling then after a couple years of perfectioning was able to say anything at all to you which god knows how worked out in a certain way and then stopped all without announcement.

I wanted the sky from many years and the sky looked at me once and I just couldn't let that gaze go because I wanted to stay incase it ever recalls I exist.

I will stop writing atleast for now.

You should know, I will always love you.

Sending you lot's of care and comfort telepathically; praying for your safety, success, good health and happiness always.

I love you♥️🧿

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I'm literally bawling my eyes out since that day at intervals right now even it's all blurry but why will you care? This is none of your problem. Yes we might have talked about intensely passionate soul wrenching love at some point but we're strangers aren't we? with no feelings at all

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I was always afraid I might stop looking for you in the faces I see. That had been my greatest fear since the day I first got the sense of never meeting you again.

It happened, today.

I saw a lot of people and none were you and neither did I look for you.

I'm happy. A lot more sad, honestly. A little disappointed in myself but more than excited to welcome new people in my life.

I know you're not reading this but I just want to say as one final gesture,

I loved you. I really did.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I lied. I will always love you.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

Happy New Year love♥️

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

Yes it was foolish then yes, it is foolish now the more words I use right now would only make me look like a freak that's how I always embarass myself when I hear your name it's really stupid i know that so I don't know how to stress upon it and talk to you. I'm a bad talker, terrible actually. I have learnt to live with this ache I think because I have always felt it and nothing that I have done to heal, because trying to heal hurts more and stupid lover me, believes you're the one. My maths teacher would be annoyed at this state of my mind, so dumb.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I would have still been in love, even if your eyes weren't the chandelier they are dangling brilliance lighting up rooms you don't even walk into. Even if your voice wasn’t raw and warming, like a vintage record, scratched just enough to feel like home. Even if you didn’t make me anxious...(extravagantly excellent at that, by the way) Even if you weren’t the euphoria on stage. Because I didn’t just fall for the fireworks I fell for the nervous guy inside you, the one who shows a little teeth for a photograph, which doesn't quite land when forced yet somehow lands perfectly. I fell for the guy who cried when for once in a million times, didn’t win. I fell for the military cut you got that summer, for the mismatched clothes you wore on that Saturday, and the wrinkled tie you wore at that event and the cute little tummy you hide

All that and much more

I love you so much and so more❤️

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

Just bought a yellow diary, back to good old tears-on-the-pages writing sesh

It’s over for me this time.

Good luck P!

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

If I must fade, let it be as echoes do

arguing with the walls they leave behind

For even gone, they trouble still the air,

and make the quiet doubt itself.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

One half of me stands as I am, the other learns to bend

I would become what love asks, not to vanish, but belong

There is a light that rises without a name

and eyes that carry the truth of a gentle soul

If I am his, then I remain my own

And in that choosing, I love.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I wish I were pretty enough for you

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I hope some part of you feels the way I reach for you in the dark

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I miss you in a way that feels embarrassing to admit. It’s a kind of yearning that makes my body feel too small, a kind of hurt that still looks for you. Please tell me, just once, that you're real and everything I felt or still do is real please tell me

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

Everyday I ache for a person who wakes up somewhere in this world choosing not to speak to me.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I feel trapped like I’m suffocating inside my own skin. There’s this hollow in my throat, like something’s clawing to get out but can’t. My chest aches, and my eyes sting from all the crying. It’s pure exhaustion, the kind that sits in your bones. I feel so alone. Not the kind of alone that a phone call can fix the kind that makes a crowded room feel empty. People look at me and decide who I am before I say a word. Arrogant, short-tempered, too much and maybe they’re right. I can feel myself fulfilling their version of me. Acting colder and sharper, making it easier for them to leave, so it hurts less when they drift, or for when I decide they will outgrow me, and then there's just me with my super secret blog which won't talk to me but won't judge too, so why risk? But it still hurts. I tell myself I don’t care, but I do. I care too much, and it makes me bitter. Like I’ve been freezing from the inside out and now even my own warmth feels foreign. I’m so tired of being this cold. I want people, real, genuine people to slap me hard on the cheeks then hug me tight and tell me to talk to them about all these annoying thoughts I have. Knowing me a bit, I wouldn't speak otherwise, I'd prefer to bleed but never call for help.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

Lightning flashes and for a moment the world glows the way your eyes do.

Outside it's raining

Inside, it's you.

[pawkimishra-deactivated20260116]

I just want to rest in your lap, to let my guard fall and let tears come without holding back. I want to cry and sob in the way that shakes me completely while you stroke my hair gently, because you understand. I want to pour out all the quiet hurt you caused, all the times you didn't know you were breaking me. I want to tell you everything, so you know what you do to me. And then I want to pull you close, bury my face in your chest and cry again, until the ache reaches my throat and my lips swell from sorrow and salt. I want to feel your kiss on my forehead, quieting the storm, telling me with silence that you're here, that you won't let me shatter again. I want to fall asleep like that exhausted, emptied, and safe in my man's arms. Guess I should get drunk and actually send you all the things I pen down, you might feel the need to speak up what you feel then because it's definitely not what your words said.