it’s the 65th minute of the nwsl semi-final playoffs (woo) between the chicago red stars and portland thorns and yuki nagasato has just smacked hayley raso in the face resulting in a portland free kick:
it’s business as usual for our heroes (ffs how can you pick a side, they’re all legends) as tobin heath lines up and fires on goal.
it’s then that our saga begins:
alyssa naeher comes soaring through the air FIST FIRST like some rabid cartoon superhero from the 80’s and punches the ball literally into a range where NASA can identify it from space.
but in the process of scaring observant astronauts, she bowls babygirl ertz over like a dump truck and she drops like a stone. alyssa literally, and i can’t stress this enough, knocks the wind out of ertz with the brush of a hip.
first of all, what kind of hip to cinderblock replacement has alyssa naeher undergone? second, is it too late to volunteer to have her ram me into next week in the name of, idk, science? at any rate, alyssa is actually a *gentle* giant, misunderstood in her way and bereft at times by her own boundless power. she truly feels terrible such unrestrained brute strength has accidentally maimed her friend. she immediately decides to step in —
NURSE NAEHER REPORTING FOR DUTY
don’t worry julie, take some deep breaths and let the psychedelic outline of alyssa’s kit burn into your retinas!!
call off the medical staff, ref!! alyssa is going to waddle over the patient until the color returns to her face, an age old gay remedy. ffs why is this hilarious but also...hot?? MA’AM
anyway, have you ever seen anything in this world more soft af than alyssa naeher with her massive gloved hands gently placing julie ertz’s tiny arms above her tiny head so she can better breathe??? alyssa is godzilla, julie is whatever blonde actress they’ve cast this week as the woman that fits in the palm of gozilla’s hand, and this is the third act revelation: alyssa doesn’t want destruction, she just wants to help julie ventilate and be understood! but wait, is that —
a blade of grass on julie’s face?? alyssa naeher would NEVER allow such plant matter to disgrace her princess!! with the swoop of one recklessly large glove, she puts that grass right back where it belongs — on the ground!! and with that final flick, this has been the gentle giant content we all deserve!!
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