noods

[alyssaricapor]

Hello

Its been almost two years since I’ve written anything on here. I guess I didn’t need a platform for my sadness because I could do life without. So maybe I’m here to reminisce.. well, I’ve done enough of that. Jesus, I was one sad kid. But I’m glad to say I’ve made it this far. Reading all my old entries really makes me ponder about all the growth I’ve partaken the past couple years. I’m not particularly living my best life. Of course, there are some things I wish could be happening.

Well, for starters let’s talk about everything that’s happened within the past two years. HAGS is no longer together. Now it’s more like half a great summer lol. I became really good friends with Robert. Oh yeah, Uncle Bob’s gone. And so is grandma. Shit, death really has a way of making time go by quicker. It was literally just yesterday that I was comforting Rob overnight with a bottle of crown apple. Or when I would spend mornings with grandma, who didn’t even resemble the one I knew. On a brighter note, I finally enlisted in the Hawaii Air National Guard. September 26, 2018 to be exact. It was definitely a proud moment. Not so much anymore. Oh, oh, oh! There’s a dude in my life, too. Not exactly my dude, but just a significant male in this part of my life. How convenient for me to have one, who just so happens to be the great ensemble of all the pretty things I ever saw in the boys in my life. It’s hilarious lol. But as always, my mind has decided that the world is still yet too grand for me to be consumed with a mere boy. 

what else what else what else hmmmm...

After two years of a shit show, my life has finally slowed down to the tempo it so comfortably recognizes. Obviously, I’m back here. I have all the time in the world and I always end up here, scribbling every detail in my mind. I still feel like I’m in that glass room. Just mercilessly lying on a table, listening to the library of  music I’ve collected in my life. God, that version of me is just waiting for silence. 

[alyssaricapor]

My Demon is Back

Why are you here?

[alyssaricapor]

The Break of Dawn

It was our limitations that sent you away in the night. Getting a cold glass beer in the shape of a fun time. Me, at home waiting patiently. Because when the night would be over, I could count on your car being parked outside. Sometimes not even intended with a whisper that you were on your way. No notification or recollection of how you ended up here. I'd wake up early in the morning, regular 9-4 civilians doing their everyday routine. But the darkness was still. A long waiting for us to be together again. As I knew somewhere in me that you'd be there. I'd look outside my window and as I look down to the sea swarm of vehicles, I see yours. And as I make my way towards your window wondering why you never bothered to tell me you were coming, you'd been passed out already by the impairment of your decision to come here. Sometimes I even wondered that when I woke you, you had regret seeing my face as the first thing you see when you realize what else your drunk mind had set up for you. Though I never admired that idea, I focused on the road ahead of me when you were too drunk to drive home and you wanted to listen to all our favorite songs together. How The 1975 seemed to suit your sad soul and speak of a melody no one ever understood. And how indie music made me feel as if I were in a fairytale and it just so happened to be with you. It was sunrise when you woke me an hour before I had work and you wanted to hang out and so we went on a search for ice cream because you had a odd craving for something so satisfying at such an unusual time. Because that memory will always find its way into the spotlight of my mind, craving the attention of the memories we had that I never intended on being satisfied with in such an unusual way. Things between us were never fulfilled and it might not have been the future where it could've unlocked our full potential, but that was all we could offer at the time. There weren't anyone words for it. Just drunk minds leading us to the thing we wanted and songs that made us feel better than how we felt in reality. But despite your sad soul and my constant hunger for something that wasn't real, I realized that the twilight had taken advantage of you and when we both snapped out of it, all it did was break me at sunrise. Where the light stood proudly and you would've relished in awe of the things you lack because you decided to alter how the stars lined up to suit you and ended up coming back to my place when you know I had the biggest star coming my way. And maybe in your own story you can say the stars are what led you to me, but the way I see it, you broke your own light and in the meantime I lost meaning to mine.

[alyssaricapor]

bruises from him choking you so hard > hickies

[alyssaricapor]

The Platonic One

To my funny valentine. Although it wasnt exactly official, the query of it all had no means of being spoken. Throughout this 2nd attempt, I’m glad that was the only thing miscommunicated between us, or so I hope. While the moments and genuine sincerity we shared together rapidly grew to become my favorite, our efforts deemed to be a bit ridiculous. For the first time ever in my life, I found comfort in a guy who knew the right ways to make me feel secure and safe. As if my world could explode right in front of you and you’d still have the decency to hold it in the palm of your hands. Gentle, never frightening. And though you knew of the hands that weren’t as kind, you still had the ability to make ours intertwine. The mild tremors I’d get that no one ever noticed; never compared to the palpitations you’d cause to my heart. Even if it was always out of tempo and never corresponding to your rhythm, the strums of your guitar would agree that we had a unique melody. I know its only been two weeks. And that the feelings we have are going to be put back beneath the surface, but I can’t apologize for time never being in our favor. As heart wrenching as I want things to work out, the outcome will only have us sacrificing a risk towards unhappiness. I’m glad we got a taste of each other. Although we won’t know our purest potential and ginger was never something I intended on liking, I appreciate your distinct essence; serving a definite flavor that I will remember. I understand the “what if’s” that will destroy us, but I figured the least I could do was give you a taste to remember me by. So here it goes. Here’s how I could’ve loved you. To the future of us that lacks certainty and thrives on such impeccable timing. Because timing is misunderstood for never being at the right place, but that’s not the case. And we’re not to blame for wanting different things in life right now, but it sure has a mocking way of showing us it cares. The problem is that even if there is the slightest chance of things working out for us, that we just have to be the right person ourselves to be able to invest in each other wholeheartedly. I would’ve taken you to bookstores where I would search endlessly for the right words and yet you would still be my favorite poem. Because although you think you have nothing at this moment, I would’ve nurtured you until you were steady on both feet again because I see your capablities and I’d never want to stop supporting you. Even if your knees shake and your confidence falls, it won’t ever be as bad as the amount of times I died out in your car. Because despite that, you still motivated me to keep my head straight and find a balance. A song as sweet as Remembering Sunday that would drive you to remember me instead, where I dreaded detaching myself and having to say the words, “I guess I’ll go home now.” I could’ve loved you. To have been proud to stand next to a man who was once intimidated by a mountain, to one who runs across its broken bridges, even in the dark. The saccades in my life that took pieces of film that I could've stored as a mental note. That even a moment that lasted for less than a second still held a piece of you that I could never have and that I'd forever be in debt of jealousy for not being able to see those parts of you. No one ever understanding that it might've been the most precious recollection I could've had of you and that that would make everyone else jealous. You are neither who, what, when, where, why, or even how. You are the platonic one in my life. Where our feelings remained tacit and it became as oblivious to the world as it has always been. The one I’ll look back at as I make my way up to the second floor of my apartment and you continue on to a path farther away from me. And when the unmistakable cacophony of your exhaust says goodbye, I’m still proud to say we tried.

[alyssaricapor]

To Future Me

As a writer I know I have to set more goals for myself in terms of tasks and discipline. As of right now, I’m a mere freelancer playing at the speed of my own rules. But as I advance my learning and skills, I hope to have improved my abilities all around to one day look back and recognize the writer I was when I started and be able to see the growth and progress of myself as a person. 

[alyssaricapor]

It was so bad I almost forgot to consider you as a memory

[alyssaricapor]

I plan on getting a tattoo for every extremely significant person I meet in my life. Because I believe they deserve a place on my body to reflect the impact they have made on my soul. 

[alyssaricapor]

GOALS

Short Term: 1) Get part time job 2) Make money on the side (online) 3) Get license 4) Start going to the gym Long-term: 1) Get into Hawaii Air National Guard 2) Go to LCC for Liberals 3) Transfer to 4-year to get Bachelors in Creative Writing & Minor in Communications 4) Take on writing internships in Hawaii 5) Part time job as a travel writer

[alyssaricapor]

A Familiar Moment

I've once again come to the point in my life where I reach the inevitable feeling of feeling lonely and lost. Although it hasnt been as intense as it was last year, the loneliness has subcummed to a neutral feeling that I've accepted. Lost on the other hand, has its way of creeping in the sensible crevices of my brain to remind me that I'm still living in reality. Things are constantly changing and this year, I hope to succeed excessively, but quietly. I hope to make money in countless ways aside from the obvious part-time job. This year I'm longing for creativity and experiences within my career to jump start my path. It's because I am so limited that it motivates me to work even harder to achieve my goals. I want to be able to make money and enjoy it at the same time. Hopefully I get my license this year too because it'd disable some of the restrictions in my way as of now. Throughout this year, I am striving for progress and personal growth and I aim to succeed.

[alyssaricapor]

I’ve had dreams of situations that looked like rape. In my sick, twisted life, it wouldn’t be rape because I’d been brainwashed to like it. 

[alyssaricapor]

I’m Too Nice

I received a text from Joc today, which was a reply to a text I sent 3 days ago. I was about to reply to her because I truly miss her, but then I realized something. She has not done anything for our friendship for me to effortlessly set aside the fact that she doesn’t deserve my kindness. Actually, she has been quite selfish. Although in her case, she might defend herself with the newfound love that has been brought in her life. No doub have I been happy that she’s found someone who makes her day in a way we all want to eventually feel. What was profoundly upsetting was the fact that she totally neglected our friendship and constantly decided when she can and can’t be an active participant in my life. It’s quite tiring actually because there’s always this empty space in my life of where she once was and when she comes back standing undeserving, I allow it because of how much I will always love her in the end despite of all her unworthy actions. 

[alyssaricapor]

Honestly, I can try my best to justify why I’ve been so out of the loop lately. I know it’ll always come down to the same reason. This month will forever be hard to get through. 

[alyssaricapor]

I began making a playlist for the times I’d get sad. Then I slowly realized that I began making a playlist of all the songs that reminded me of you, and that made me sad. 

[alyssaricapor]

I’m positive no guy will ever be too good for me, except when it comes to you. 

[alyssaricapor]

I slipped when the thought of you came to mind.

[alyssaricapor]

Journal #2: Fast Forward

November 20, 2016 

Until last night, I hadn’t realized life was moving by so quickly. It’s not the coincidental speed or the fact that I was under the influence of marijuana and a bottle of Corona. It’s the moments in life that make you stop and realize what’s in front of you. The moment isn’t even fully paused, but a flash of clarity that makes it seem as if the world has stopped, just for you. 

I think we all get those moments every now and then, we just don’t realize it. For instance, when we’re admiring nature or simply enjoying the company of someone special. If you really try to capture it, you’ll notice it the next time you catch that eye contact with someone in particular. For a split second, there’s a feeling that coincides with the moment. 

The little things. Yeah, it’s the little things that may confuse us with reality and the thoughts in our head. Do I really feel this way or is my mind out to get me? That’s the question. When it comes down to it, it’s you against the world. Will you choose to believe the signals of the world or the voices in your head? Then again, this life didn’t come with instructions. Figuring shit out wasn’t going to be easy, but nobody said it was going to be this frustrating. 

Lately, I’ve been so consumed with stress and worries about the wrong things. No doubt that I’ve been trying a lot of new things, but I still can’t seem to shake your name in the back of my head. It’s almost like a constant whisper reminding me of how much I admire you. All the lights go on at the thought of you. There’s uncertainty and I may be misguided, but I haven’t gotten the chance to try and find out. At this point, I may be blinded because the only thing that was in focus was you. I think it’s time to zoom out of this frame so I can see the bigger picture. I have my whole life ahead of me with opportunities coming left and right. I can’t afford to miss any more. I’m ready for the chance to fail or succeed, as long as it means I tried. Let me catch up with life real quick because I’ve just been trying to find constants in hopes that life would pause again. Let me just hit the play button and see where that takes me.