Amariz

// 31 // colorado //

[amareezy]

Hi tumblr. It’s time for my bi-yearly update. I’m 16 weeks pregnant!

No one can convince that this isn’t a teen pregnancy even though I’m 31. I’m terrified and excited.

Hope you’re all doing well. Yeah idk. Follow me on ig I guess hello

[missinyouiskillingme]

[anxietyproblem]

[amareezy]

My last grandparent, my grandma from Puerto Rico, passed away last Thursday.

I’ve had so many heavy and overwhelming feelings this week and no one I can confide in that truly understands my hurt.

The last time I saw my grandma and grandpa I was 13, 26 years ago. I don’t remember why we went but I remember being so excited. I can’t recall much from that trip. I really only remember being nervous and too shy to talk to them and jealous that my cousins were so close to them. I can’t even remember if we did anything together, I mostly remember going to the beach with my dad, just us.

There have been a few calls here and there but we’ve always been divided by a language barrier. I could understand them but they couldn’t understand me. Eventually it was just easier to not try. I think it was that way for all of us.

I remember being sad when my grandpa passed when I was 19. But it’s nothing compared to the grief I feel now. It’s really just hit me that I will never have a relationship with them.

My sisters tell me about all these beautiful memories of my grandparents and my aunt and the family we had/have there and I’m filled with so much sadness, jealousy, anger, and confusion because I feel them all at once. I remember nothing. When I was old enough to have these memories, none were made. The visits I had were few and far between.

It makes sense for them to have this grief for my grandma, they knew her. They had a true relationship with her. And when my grieving comes up I think my family expect me to do very minimal of it because I didn’t have that relationship. But I’m grieving for my dad who lost his mother and my sisters who lost their childhood. And then for me for the relationship I could have and never had.

I try to talk with my sisters about it but they will never know what it’s like to not have that bond with family. I can’t speak to my mom because a lot of my anger is directed at her. And I won’t burden my dad with it. My boyfriend doesn’t understand because he hasn’t lost anyone as an adult, and he’d rather pretend I’m fine.

It’s all I can think about and all I want to talk about. I just feel very sad and alone.

[ithelpstodream]

[ab-initioo]

- benedict smith, i wish i wrote the way i thought

[snoopysfriendwoodstock]

genuinely when you log off and are only exposed to the lives of those around you as god intended you realize how much shit does not matter. i know this is not a hot take but we were not meant to hear every thought, feeling and opinion of people we will never see face to face. it’s so much easier to pile on people for harmless but annoying opinions when you will never have to spend extended time with them.

[kingworm]

Carrie Metz-Caporusso

[pipshinwhatever]

what they dont tell you about strategy based games is that its hard if you're stupid

[free-my-mindd]

[goddessglo]

it’s a beautiful feeling

[unreadable]

[thoughtkick]

“Someone somewhere is searching for you in every person they meet.”

— Unknown

[perfectquote]

“I hope one day we can forgive each other for not being what we wanted each other to be”

— Kriti G.

[wordhaze]

“Maybe I’ll see you in another life, if this one wasn’t enough.”

— Florence + the Machine; How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

[wifislim]

[surqrised]

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. then, watch how they transform into the greatest truest version of themselves. when one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”

— Wes Angelozzi