Make Your Own Fucking Happiness

25. Malden/Boston. I drink a lot of coffee and I work a lot of hours.

[lesbianplebeian-blog]

ah yes, the four main food groups: chinese takeaway, coffee, carbohydrates, and pussy

[suncoloredzen]

[bad-poetry0310]

I am tired. I have pizza teeth and Killian’s Red breath and a broken heart.

I felt everything today. Every time I snapped at someone and every time I couldn’t help them and every time I thought about my family. I was drowning in empathy and I hated it.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I don’t remember writing this, but I think I remember what it was about.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I broke my relationship with my little brother,

And I broke my own heart doing it.

I should have done better.

So as I sit alone, I want to cry in front any person who shows me any kindness because I don’t deserve it.

I broke my relationship with my older brother,

I should have done better.

I wrote him a letter today but I sent it from work,

and I was paranoid anyone would see that the address was to “Middlesex House of Corrections.”

The shame was evident,

And I stole a stamp to send it.

I don’t know how to stand anymore. I tried so hard to hide it from my mom, but here I am.

Crying on the phone outside the bar after the first two sips of many.

I pretend like it’s about anything,

But my brother’s kids getting sent to their sentence, like my brother is on his way to his.

But it’s always about that.

We should have done better.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

My head’s a little clearer,

I erased the cocaine dealer from my phone.

And I’ve been staying with some friends,

You know the kind that pay their rent and own their homes.

I haven’t been quite sober since you went away last spring,

You know I needed a couple in me just to get my ring off,

But I swear I’m gettin better with each confession letter that I write.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I am so ridiculously in love with you.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I have a really important meeting at work today and Steven put it on his calendar so he wouldn’t forget.

[morethanoneshow]

[amassofgaugesanddials]

Whenever I see that someone else has used my Netflix account,

I think about you. But I know that it’s not you. You’re not here anymore.

And I don’t miss you - don’t get me wrong. We never meshed and we never got along and I won’t lie about that. But you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.

[thegoodvybe]

[amassofgaugesanddials]

Hi I can’t wait to come home to you every night 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I have half a T stop toward you to write this,

But sometimes when I think about us my heart gets so big. I never thought it would thaw out enough for that.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

I miss my brother.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

Look how far we've come.

Standing next to you at a show is comfortable, instead of nausea-inducing longing. I have a beautiful boy at home who loves me so much, trusts me so much with you. And I trust me with you. And I trust you with me too.

[foodffs]

SKILLET GARLIC BUTTER HERB STEAK AND POTATOES

Follow for recipes

Get your FoodFfs stuff here

[amassofgaugesanddials]

Things make me laugh still.

I can still enjoy time with my absolutely wonderful boyfriend, with my friends.

I can still get up and go to work each day and not burst into tears. I can go to my second job and not freak out.

I can go to the bar and get a drink and not talk about it, now.

But sometimes, when I work too much and I don't get enough sleep and I'm feeling overly sensitive, fear grips me.

Loss. Grief. The dulled impact.

I want to cry, but it seems like too much work. I want to scream, but it seems hysterical.

I just get angry at all the small things. The packed train, the construction detours, slow people walking on the sidewalk.

Eventually, I will forgive you for this. For committing this act, for putting us all through this.

Right now, though, I miss you. And I miss her. And I miss them. And that's all your fault.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

"Every part of me is a part of you," was drunk talk but I know you meant it.

[amassofgaugesanddials]

If I can't trust you, I can't trust anyone. I'm glad I can trust you.