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[amaxinya]

I wish I could learn how to be the one that loves less.

In any relationship there is the person who loves more and the person who loves less.

And I find myself over and over again being the one that cares more than the other.

And I suffer in ways no being should.

I'm in pain. I'm in pain.

So I wish someone would just write a guide on how to love less.

How to hide your heart.

How to be enough for yourself.

Because I can see that you find yourself enough for yourself.

But I do not feel whole.

My heart is yearning. These bones are yearning for a hug for me to hear I love you.

As I say it with no disregard with no limitations with no restrictions or censorship.

But you enjoy winning more than you enjoy loving me.

And you take being loved by me as default.

I have never said this out loud, I have never written it down.

The future is too scary for me to think of it so o just leave it be.

We live in now I hope the world with either fix itself or destroy itself by the time I need to figure it out.

And I and dreaming of breaking free. But the only prison I have ever known was the one of my own making.

Life is not really what I thought it was going to be.

[amaxinya]

I feel like I am going under.

I am inconsolable

Please take me somewhere far walk

Take me out of here

And I know if I live one more day

One more hour.

I'll be fine

I'll weather the storm

But now

Now I am

Umweatherable

I, the eye of the storm.

And I have everything I could ever asked for

But I have nothing at all

I feel so empty

And I am longing for a feeling

Get me out of here

Get me out

[amaxinya]

I fell these days more often then not that the world is turning evil.

It's an infestation of the mind taking root

The people that I thought I knew are slowly turning into monsters

And they scare me

Maybe this is the end of the world

Like a biblical apologise of sorts

With poison dripped in our ears by opportunistic people

Morphing us into unrecognisable demons

The terror paralyses me

Who's next

My father, my mother, my brother?

Maybe they are already lost

Kind and cheerful only in memories of before

Before unreal threats became the five o'clock news

Before they were aware the world is so big

And full of people needing their rage

Maybe it will be my boyfriend

Maybe he's on his way down too

Generous and carefree only in memories of before

Before short clips eroded our attention

And fighting with people we never met consumed our time

How long until it's me?

Maybe I am already there

Half possessed

Understanding and happy only in memories of before

Before words became weapons

And masses turned into objects to direct your anger towards

I feel my sanity dripping away

I think now there is poison in my ears too

Spreading this infestation of the mind.

[amaxinya]

It was the perfect day

The sky was purple with the promise of a thunderstorm and the wind was warm

The first week of may proved itself to be so beautiful

The weather at least

A lazy Sunday afternoon

Going for a walk in the park you asked me to go out with you

The sun is slowly settling the grass looks gilded in this light

You show me the spot where they put new wood shavings

It smells earthy and cozy

We walk through the medow

And sit on the bench next to the lake

Look at the ducking and their parents

We hold hands

We get ice cream and watch the children play sports

What went wrong

How does a beautiful moment turn into a sour memory?

I stop to check for four leaves clovers

You pull my hand

I ask for a minute

You keep on waking

I hope you'll wait or come back

But when I lift my head you are already far away

I call after you

You turn back and gesture to come faster

But I refuse to run after you

I start walking but you don't slow down

You get further and further away

And the sight of your back getting smaller

Of you walking away

Is so agonising to me

I try to keep happy

I try to enjoy the park

But the tears from my eyes

The pain in my chest

Are not going away

I'm overwhelmed by anger by grief by disbelief

How could you do this to me? Why did you do this to me?

[amaxinya]

There are flowers at the base of the oak tree

Small and willowy daffodils

Their yellow petals look so out of place

In this gray and brown landscape.

And still the colour crash is not what makes me linger next the oak tree

But the sharp contrast between the lifespan of the two

The oak tree has been here for more than a century

His branches stretched to the sky

Old bark peels of, dry twigs broken by the wind

The winter let him bare of leaves

And sucked all colour out of him.

Regardless, he is the most impressive in this park

He should be, ancient and dominating.

And yet I find myself fascinated with the daffodils at the base of his trunk

They are growing somehow brazen

Before the grass is out

Before the stork returned

The daffodils grew to spite winter it seems

And to tell the ancient oak tree.

'We live for just a moment of your long existence

But for this brief moment

We shine like the blazing sun'

[amaxinya]

I feel like you won't love me if I'm mean

You won't love me when I hate

You don't love me when I let my passion, my dark fantasy run wild.

I am a monster

Inside me, there is this dark being that longs to lash out

I am a snake

[amaxinya]

The absence of me is still me.

I still exist

In spite of your insults

In spite of your ignorance

In spite of the times you pretended otherwise

I exist

I am here

And I will continue to be

Long after you are gone.

The essence of me

It lingers

[amaxinya]

The shy is mourning today. I am sad.

I feel so numb it feels like you can cut right through me and I will not bleed. I won't feel a thing.

I am scared they will replace me. I can taste the hate the disappointment.

There is not enough space for all of us and they are looking at getting rid of me.

But now I'm getting angry.

Why am I not good enough. What gives you the right to say that? You are a worthless piece of trash. You do not deserve to be here. I do. I do. I do.

And I see what you are doing. You are using this tactic to manipulate and intimate me.

You are trying to make me scared that I'll lose everything. I'll make you lose everything.

I am the monster under the bed and you think you can run? And you think you can save yourself?

I, as opposed to your tasteless tactics, take action in much more permanent ways.

Nobody messes with me.

I am angry today.

And I do not feel like forgiving your impertinence.

So suffer.

[amaxinya]

I shall not and will not let people who do not know me make me look like the villain in this. You can accept others are sick but you labelled people like me as monsters. It is you who cannot contain us. You who hurt us and then call yourself the victim. Maybe at the end of the day we are the ones that are normal and everyone else is sick.

[amaxinya]

And what do I even want? I ask myself. It's such a mystery even for myself. And I think surely they won't kick me out I don't need to be so afraid but at the same time I'm so terrified that they are fed up with me and are just waiting for me to screw up so they can send me away. Please don't hate me please don't leave me.

The people that I am sure love me and don't want me gone I'm always terrified that will disappear because something will happen to them. And the people that I am not sure about I am always waiting for them to leave.

I'm spinning round and round.

Just wanting for a bit of peace.

Please don't leave me.

[amaxinya]

Am I dreaming? I wonder if it's true and the rush of the moment is making me giddy.

I wish life was like a song, stuck in your head going on and on.

But today it's a good day and thinking of my bad moments and of what might come it's so dreadful it's making me sick to my stomach. I'm so afraid and I'm so hopeful. My heart wants to jump out of my chest. And I'm thinking maybe I should let myself be silly just this once but I'm so scared that if I slip I'll never be able to climb up and I realise that a lot of the things that I do are reflecting what my father expects me to do.

I think I'm in love. But then again I am so inexperienced and so naive, so starved for affection that I often confuse basic politeness for love and attraction.

And I seem to only be able to get into people in relationships. She's got a boyfriend and he was there with us. Plus she's my brother's friend younger sister. Coming from a conservative family in a conservative country. I'm here and free shouldn't look back.

I'm hopeless. People are nice not in love with me.

But it's fine. I know my father will absolutely kill me if I do something about this. And my brother as well. Everyone will, so I'll just forget about her. Plenty of fish in the sea.

I feel a bit heartbroken and I know it's hopeless but I'm thinking if she ever comes visit

Can I kiss her? Can I try and pretend it's stupid. Because when my colleague tried to dance with me and kiss me I was not into it at all. So what if I make her as uncomfortable as my colleague made me. I'm so screwed.

And I was swearing up and down that I don't like girls. And I know I can't, not me it's not allowed because my family will never accept it and I'll get kicked out of my place so I have to get over it.

It must be my shrink who has been so relentlessly asking me that maybe I like girls, maybe that's where this all it's coming from.

Yes it must be them they got into my mind and now I can't think of anything else but her wavy hair and crooked teeth.

I got it so bad.

I but I will never admit it. Because no-one has to know.

[amaxinya]

I've been dreaming of this legend from my home country.

There once was a girl who was in love with the sun.

Every morning she would climb a tree on the hill and sing to the sun to confess her love.

And the sun god heard her and was charmed by her song.

So he turned her into a lark to fly up in the sky and sing in the morning forever.

Was the girl happy or sad nobody asks it.

She simply loved the sun and for her devotion.

She was cursed to do nothing but sing her love to the sun.

How cruel.

I guess love makes us all selfish and being admired like that would skew the moral of the most righteous being.

I wonder if I can judge since maybe if I had the power I would do the same thing. Cage the one that admires me so they would be mine forever.

[amaxinya]

At first I thought I was a freak... Until now.

You just have to accept and be true to who you are.

Like you?

I just live in the present. What I feel, that's all I think about.

How can you live in this filthy world?

What? Are you gonna say I'm the good guy?

No, you are just a fool.

[amaxinya]

Every night I feel my sanity cracking

I hear the hours ticking by

I'm going insane

And then the morning light comes

And I feel human once again

[amaxinya]

With two fingers down my throat I feel loved.

They go up and they go down

And all my sorrows get thrown away.

Today the sky is led and the air suffocates me.

I'm going insane.

I want to hurt

I need a hug.

I cannot breathe.

It won't go away.

So I put two fingers down my throat

And hum my favourite song.

Noone has to know.

And the thrill of the secret.

The shame.

Gives me a reason to finish the day.

Everything I do is not enough.

And I have messed up again.

But I am so good.

At putting two fingers down my throat.

[amaxinya]

'Even after I let go

Of the last bird

I hesitate

There is something

In this empty cage

That never gets released.'

-Garous Abdolmalekian

There is indeed. The sorrow of captivity.

It will never be set free.

I wonder why we are all so enamoured with a tragedy. And I know I used to be the one that could only envision a tragedy as the only reasonable end to a story. Because a story can only end in tragedy. They lived together until they died and still they died. Or maybe the very act of being together is the tragedy. As it will kill any other options.

I lay here and I pounder. I am afraid. Am I making a mistake? But how can I know for sure. I am afraid of being punished. I am afraid I will be forever punished. My very own tragedy. That all I have will be taken away. And I think I don't think that is fair and god is fair above all no? But do I understand his fairness. Because I am merely me. And I am lacking and I am afraid.

I am the bird in the cage. And I have been set free, the madness of this year made a crack in the cage and now I can escape.

But what if the world outside the cage truly is as they have been telling me. What if I do end up in hell?

The safety of the cage is alluring but the slow suffocation of captivity is eating me away. I lay here as I fade away.

Are they lying to me? The people I have trusted the most? The people I have lied to my family about and I have let my years waste for. But still I am better than most. Maybe I can see why they are bitter. Even in the mist of it all I was stubborn and I resisted. And maybe that was god's way of protecting me. Maybe that was my grace and salvation. I could have been so much worse off.

But what if that's not the case?

What if this difficult time is here to test us as they have claimed. I have never been completely dedicated and I feel myself losing faith in them.

What if the open cage is a trap? Will I pay for eternity?

They said one mistake will be my forever damnation. I can hear a clock ticking, ticking with the time I have left.

I beg for mercy I beg for forgiveness. I am tormented in ways I cannot describe but still I am well and I am always so afraid I will get worse and worse.

Please don't punish me. Please forgive. I am lost and all alone and even the people that were supposed to be leading me with kindness and compassion turned out to be wolves hungry for a piece of my flesh.

Everyone comes to me hungry for a piece of flesh.

[amaxinya]

I harbor this hate. I am quite spiteful you see.

And you tell me you think I am lovable and my first instinct is to tell you you don't know me too well

But then I realise that you probably know me better than most people after all I have been pouring my secrets to you for so many weeks now.

Can I be the one people love ? I always feel like I will be more like the dirty secret you keep in your closet. The one you lust for but don't necessarily want to acknowledge. And I was thinking that in a relationship I would be the one who does want to tell people. Not because I'm embarrassed but because I'm scared of what people will think of me. Any way it will be bad I know, I'm either reaching out or belittling myself. People will see me as a whole they will question me they will judge me they will hate me

I need no enemy I'm always looking at reasons for people to hate me and I am always expecting people to tell me off.

I want out but I don't know the way.

I don't see the light.