Pepper in your Eye @amchaix - Tumblr Blog

Drowning

“You look tired” “I’m fine”…

No I’m not. I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m sinking, drowning, dying. I’m weary. I’m angry. I am bitter and resentful. I am a bleeding heart to everyone, anyone…but HIM.

MY ANGER IS EXHAUSTING.

I got past it finally. I didn’t trust you, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I let you into my home, MY SPACE. You wallow in self-pity, live in the bottom of a bottle. You are alone because your friends and family are tired of your lies. Their charity ran out. So you move on, finding people to live off of. You’re a parasite. Now, you latch onto your child. Drain her account. Take advantage of her giving nature. You disgust me.

Go away. You have a disease, I accept that. You choose to live as a victim, feeding off of the people unfortunate enough to care for you. I refuse to accept that. You have no value for your own life. You have tried countless times to end your life. Now, disabled and helpless, you shamelessly live off your daughter, who is still dependent on me.

You are pathetic.

I’m not okay. I can’t breathe. I want to get as far away from you as I can. You are a parasite. How can you sit in my apartment and live off me? Confined to a wheelchair because you were drunk and crashed into a wall? I hate you.

But I love my daughter. She’s my best friend. We got through all those years WITHOUT YOU by clinging to each other. But now, she chose you. Because you're weak. Because you have NOBODY. So I’m breaking her heart.

I really hate you.

#bitter #alcohlism #tired

I have Tumblr?!

Hmmm. I forgot this was here.

#strandedatstarbucks

fear

Uncertainty creeps in like fog. Just a hazy mist at first, then suddenly aware, you are smothered in a thick cloud, breathless and afraid.

#fear #stuck

This is why...

People ask me why I never ask for help or let friends know when I'm struggling. I recall the countless emails and phone calls I made to the pastor, youth pastor, and leaders of my church asking for help with family problems 10 years ago. I remember telling them of the damage alcohol was doing to my family. I tearfully pleaded for someone to come talk to us, help us, counsel us. Small steps were made, but I felt like we weren't important enough. I had to handle it. I felt abandoned and alone. I felt like my church family could help with a prayer or a coffee date, but anything more, and I was on my own. So I stopped trusting. Fast forward 7 years. I have a new church family, friends, my kids have friends, we've been in the same community for years. I'm in a crisis, I reluctantly reach out, after all, these are loving, caring people. I'm met with "so, sorry", and "praying for you". I need a solution, I need someone to open their home to my beautiful sweet daughter. My daughter that drove all her drunk "friends" home on NYE. She thought she wanted to be back in Athens, she thought it would be better to be surrounded by her friends of the last 7 years, she forgot how alienated she felt. She forgot how different she is. She doesn't go to homecoming and get drunk, she doesn't go to parties or make out with boys, she isn't going to a big university and joining a sorority. She is a quiet, intelligent, beautiful spirit. I made a mistake I never should have let her go. I trusted someone I thought I knew. I asked for help, a clean, safe, drama free space for my daughter. She has a bed, in a home filled with trash and clutter and pets infested with fleas. She keeps her things in the car because the home smells so badly. Yes, it's my fault for putting her there. Yes, I wish I could bring her back now. But she must finish out her senior year. 65 days. Just 65 days. We will get through this. We will figure it out. I will do what I can. Because I am all she has. We don't have anyone else to depend on and once again, I'm reminded why I don't ask for help.