I need a healthy outlet for my thoughts and since barely anyone I know uses this anymore (not that I honestly checked because I just signed in and started to type) I decided this is where I am going to let all my thoughts start to flow.
My realization today was the reason why I stopped antidepressants about a year ago.
I never liked how they made me feel. I started out on Lexapro when I was diagnosed back in 2018. It was making me breakout, have terrible headaches, lose my sex drive and feel completely unstable. I gave that a go for about 6 months and I told my doctor I needed something else because I wasn’t myself. She told me to try Zoloft. I went through a rough break up with my boyfriend of 4 years and immediately jumped into another relationship because I didn’t know how to be alone.
This guy told me he understood mental health issues because he has them too. A good step right? Wrong. He refused to get help for it and his way of helping me was to tell me I need to take more meds because he can’t help me. I would cry because I try to explain my feelings to him and how something made me super upset. Like him going to talk to his ex from 11pm to 2am or him texting all these girls that made it known they want him. He would tell me I am overreacting and ask if I have been taking my medicine. I would have panic attacks almost every night, even with the Zoloft and upping my dosage. I upped my dosage even though I felt numb and unhappy and more depressed than I’ve ever been.
What really got to me was when it was the breaking point of my relationship with this guy, he said he liked me better when I was on the medicine. When I was numb. When I wouldn’t ask him about the girls he is messaging behind my back. When I wouldn’t bring up how I felt because I felt nothing. I’d cry because I was scared that this was how I needed to live my life to be even worth being around.
I stopped listening to him and stopped the SSRIs overall. And ended that relationship. It’s crazy how much was lifted off of my shoulders when that was over. Unfortunately it was like a 5 month break up but he is out of my life now and I’m doing better without the antidepressants and that jerk.
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