6 years later..
December 4th, 2019
I dont know if anyone who follows me today will still be the same people from 6 years ago. I dont know if anyone will bother reading this. I came across my old “diary” I had when I was in the first rough part of my life. I was 14-15 when I started writing these journal like entries, Im 21 years old now. My life is so different from what i expected it to be like back then. I have had many surgeries, many friends, 2 loves. Ive learnt many lessons, and cried many many tears. I reread all of those entries and realized the way I felt back then isn't much different to how I feel now. Yes ive grown and matured but I still struggle in the same ways internally. I have realized I have issues I need to work through at a professional level, ive hurt many people over the last 10 years of my life because of the same coping mechanisms. its just gotten a worse over the years because of alcohol and other traumas I have been through.
My first love destroyed me as a person. He tore me apart limb from limb, I developed even more anxiety and depression. I was cheated on for 2 out of the 3 year relationship. I was emotionally and physically abused. He has a drug problem also. When I finally left him I found myself in a different way, I still struggled internally and it took me about a year to completely heal and move on from that relationship and the scars it left me.
my second love, he was amazing. I couldnt of asked for anyone better to come into my life. I fell in love with him slowly, I learned all of his quirks and fell in love with them. he treated me amazing. he was kind, gentle, understanding, loving, funny, goofy, smart. he was the type of guy you wanted to be around because you know he will make you laugh. he became my best friend over the course of about 7 months. he fell in love with me too. but I fucked up. my mental illnesses and traumas did what they always tend to do and my subconscious hurt him. I hurt him. I was terrified of being hurt again and I pushed him away by hurting him. I miss him everyday and I will continue to miss him everyday.
The whole point of this entry today is to capture that you need to heal yourself. you need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions weather you mean to do it or not. you have to take control of your toxic behaviors, you have to seek help if you feel you are in a bad mental place or your unsure on how to go about healing your mind. I know im scared of my mental health journey but I know im ready to take down the demons in my head once and for all. I want to be the best me, I dont want to hurt anymore people I love because my ex isnt the only one ive hurt in that way. The thought of being bipolar is so scary because I know there isnt always much you can do, its a life long battle and im terrified of that because I never want to treat my kids or anyone that way again. I dont know what my official diagnosis is but I will find out and whatever it comes back with I will be okay. I will get to a good happy place. I dont know who will be in my life in my future but I hope I can make amends with the people I hurt, I hope I can explain why to those I love. I hope I find the answers I need to be a better me and start my wellness journey.
