Feelings Suck Lol

This is just blog dedicated to me writing down the events happening to me and my feelings surrounding it. Because i dont know where else to turn to.

[amisdiaryentries]

I have to do a philosophy homework right now but i cant. right now i hate philosophy. Right now i hate a lot of things.

I like to think that im holding a lot of anger and i like to think that im good at it but im not. I dont even think im holding a lot of anger. Im just thinking like that because the reality is I want to be pitied. I think for the most part im glad im suffering because i get pitied. But i also hate it.

I like to think im a lot of things. But i really am not. I dont know if im pretending????? I dont even remember most of the word i wanted to put here. But i may have anger issues, just not in the conventional way. But right im now im annoyed by a lot of things

April 13 2023

[amisdiaryentries]

I hate this i hate feeling like this

I dont get it… why do i feel so shitty??? And its not even the typical “wow i feel like shit” shitty… this is different

I dont wanna be here right now i wish i didnt exist

I hate myself so much if i could i would just kill me

My torso feels like a black hole, its sucking up my everything yet im not going anywhere. Im not disappearing nor am i turning into space spaghetti

Im just here but i dont want to be

I dont want to feel likw this, if i could id feel better but i cant, it doesn’t work like that

I hate looking into the mirror, i hate my body, i hate my face i hate my name i hate my everything

I dont wanna be here i wish i wasnt here

Words truly cant describe what i feel right now…

And its not because of school or family or anything… im just feeling this

Whywhywhywhy why cant i just be happy?? God make me happy

I dont get it, am I getting punished?? Did i do something?? I did… but I didn’t… I dont understand anything i dont want to feel anything

I wish i could just disappear i hate this

I hate me i hate everything

But i dont want to

[amisdiaryentries]

Dear diary

Fuck you. Why do i

[amisdiaryentries]

Tw//self-deprication lol

12/11/20

Hey there fourth entry!

So today was a busy day,,,

Went to my aunt’s condo and did.... nothing??? Sorta. After the condo, we went to the mall and bought stuff haha. Thats it. But thats not what im here to talk about.

So apparently one of my friends had some issues with school and shit and thia has not been her month. Did i comfort her in anyway? No? Have I technically ignored that? Yeah,,, did they technically ignore me? Probably....

I WAS mad about it but now that i look at it,,,, can’t really blame them,,,, looking at all of this just, makes me realize how much of a shit person i am, how im a shitty daughter, a shitty sister, shitty granddaughter, shitty friend, shitty student, shitty everything. Theyll try to deny it but thats its true. Ignoring and disregading them when they need me, im only ever there when it’s convenient for me. Im a shit person. Ive done a lot of bad things, a ton that they’re not even aware of, ill definitely go to hell lol. Anyways that was it for today. Gonna g

[amisdiaryentries]

12/09/20

Third entry hey,

Boring day, pretty uneventful (apart from the fact that HIT totally bazinga’d my legs 💀)

No one got in trouble, we didn’t get in trouble. But then again, my older sister saw my little brother’s grades and let me tell you that it aint a pretty sight sis. Accidentally killed a spider... that just gave birth to millions of spiders. Yeah, the babies are probably after me as we speak so im gonna go *leaves*

Edit: of course something happens after I post of course

Ive been having issues with my family for years mow but right now i wanna focus on my mom. For the longest amount of time, ive loved and adored her even after she left, i knew why left and I couldnt be mad at her then because I probably would’ve done something like that as well. She left because my dad treated her badly and she was, in a way, being used by my dad’s family. So of course she’d leave. When I found out she left I couldn’t believe it, i didn’t even knew why but I didn’t care, at the time, everyone told me she left because she didn’t care and i should stop waiting for her because she would never come back but I refused to listen because i knew she would return (and she did lol). I ended up just figuring out myself why she did leave and I never got mad at her.

So times flies by and every now and then I would doubt her, she promised that we would live together and that idea was always delayed, I eventually doubted her, it was a slow process but eventually, right now its to the point where i feel indifferent towards her. Ive said it before my feelings (especially towards people) are never consistent. But this was probably the slowest change ive ever experienced. I think the reason why im resenting(?) her now is a result of me not ever getting mad at her back then, this is me realizing that shes not the perfect mother I envisioned her back when i was little, its a late realization but i had it at least.

Im gonna talk to her tomorrow, clear things up

[amisdiaryentries]

12/08/20

Second entry

Guess who has HIT tomorrow? Me 🤩🥳😍 yayy cant wait....

Anyways, im in a better mood today than yesterday. I dont have much to say ig. Oh yeah I started fmab with my sister today, though we only watched 6 eps eheh seems good so far, heard nothing but good stuff so im looking forward to that.

My aunt asked me to cut my hair bc she thought it looked ugly, and it is. But thats only cus they’re ALWAYS straightening it! I was okay with it then but now, i miss my old hair, so i wann grow it out. Im gonna end the entry here, dont have much to say anyway

[amisdiaryentries]

Hi first entry,

For now, refer to me as ami here. Pronounce that name as any way you want it to. (if anyone ever finds this) she/her

I know it’s not really a good idea to keep a diary in the internet, but as long as I stay anonymous, I think ill be fine.

Im having one of those moments, well, realizations really. My feelings about certain people and things are never constant. It always changes and it’s starting to suck a lot. Ive been having doubts in the people I thought I trusted and im having strange attachments (??) to the people i hate. This sucks

I had a mental breakdown yesterday, and ever since then ive been feeling down? Is that how youd say it? Idk man. Idk whats going. Anyways it dec 7, my birthday is in 2 weeks and i am officially #notexcited hahA. Im turning 16 jansjsj god im old.

This wont be a daily thing, ill just write here when i feel like it. To whoever finds this blog, hi! Thanks for reading ig. Not much to say so ill end this post here