Don’t think it doesn't hurt me because it does. I want to show you the thought map in my head. And don’t get me wrong - it’s not that I’m jealous. You might not believe that but really, it’s not his existence that bothers me. It’s your hesitation to be unapologetically mine and set things clear cut that really disappoints me.
In the beginning, when you mentioned him and told me about how close and good of a friend he was to you, I felt good that you had someone like that next to you. Someone who supported you and helped you through hard times, someone that I told you I never had when I needed it.
But I quickly found out that he wasn't just a friend. Instead of supporting you in our new relationship, he was trying to sabotage it in the background. And your insistence that he wanted to be friends and that that was all it was, slowly made me believe either you were extremely naive or not being honest with me. For fuck’s sake, what kind of “friend’ calls you, demanding answers about why you and him aren't together when you’re happily in a relationship with someone else? In my mind, I’m asking myself why are these conversations even happening in the first place? It was when you mentioned yesterday’s conversation about how he called you and asked if you weren’t with him because you didn’t see a future with him, that it clicked to me. You answered that you could materially see a future with him but not romantically because you were afraid he’d cheat on you and etc. I asked you why you didn’t tell him you weren’t with him because you wanted to be with me. You told me you couldn’t.
You couldn’t. You couldn’t tell another boy that you didn’t want to be with him because you wanted to be with me. And that eroded the rest of my confidence in you. Once I heard that, I realized that the reason he kept trying was because you let him. You allowed him to keep trying and testing you by giving him false hope. Even your answer to that question...in his mind, he must’ve thought, if I can promise her that I won’t be that way, that I would never cheat on her, that I will treat her right, she’ll come back to me. Inviting him over to things, smoking and getting high together, partaking in conversations about your and his relationship together. Telling him that you hadn’t told your parents about me. And then on top of that, the cherry on top was when you said he was your only dealer and that was another reason you needed to stay in contact with him.
Really? You and I both know that’s just an excuse. You can’t find another dealer in the entire Boston area? And weed is important enough to you that you’re willing to keep doing something I’ve told you makes me really uncomfortable?
Worst of all, you kept telling me you understood how I felt and that you could see why it made me uncomfortable. But you kept doing it anyway. Which made me believe that it didn’t really matter all that much to you how I felt. That’s why I kept asking you why you were asking me about my feelings. Because even though I had answered you, you weren’t going to do anything about it and that made me feel like I was just wasting my time telling you in the first place.
You insisted to me that you didn’t want to hurt him. That you didn’t want to hurt him by telling him you didn’t want to be with him. That you didn’t want to hurt him by telling him that you wanted to be with me. Then you told me that you didn’t have to tell him because he knew you so well and that he just somehow knew you wanted to be with me without you having to say it. If that’s true, that makes him even worse in my eyes. If he knows that and is still trying to break us apart...who needs enemies with friends like that?
If you had said to him, “Hey, I don’t want to be with you and I don’t see a future with you because I want to build a future with Peter. Because I love him. But if you’d like to be my friend, I’ll be your friend and I’ll be there for you. You talking and asking me about a relationship between the two of us makes me uncomfortable and I’d really rather not talk about that again. It’s something that’s in the past and not something I want anymore. So, as my friend, can you do me that favor?”
Don’t you think that’s a reasonable, mature way to handle it? If he had kept trying even after you made it this clear, you would’ve known that he didn’t actually value your friendship as much as you thought he did. If he respected your decision and agreed, you would’ve known that you had a friend in him that truly and unequivocably cared about you enough to want you to be happy. If that’s the way you were, I would have had no problems with the relationship between the two of you.
But the fact that you have to feel bad about being with me because he insists that it’s something that hurts his feelings...that’s not something I can roll with because that tells me you consider his feelings more than you care about your future with me. You’ve told me that you’re mine and you want to be mine. If you can’t tell that to the rest of the world confidently, I don’t want you to be mine. Ever since we got together, I’ve proudly told anyone that asked, girls or guys, that you and I were a couple. I even brought you home and told my dad about you, something I rarely ever do. There have been girls that tried to make moves and I cut it off, being extremely clear that I had a girlfriend that I cared about deeply. Someone that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But you couldn’t do the same for me and that really disappointed me. I felt really let down because I felt that the confidence I shown in you wasn’t reciprocated.
Something else that really threw me off was when you told me that you felt like I was surveilling you. Because I’ve tried to keep my intentions with you as clear and honest as possible, I felt offended that this was the way you saw me. I know you mentioned your paranoia, but the fact that your paranoia was directed, not at the CIA, not at the Illuminati, or whatever, but at me, made me think...why? Was that because you felt guilty? What did you have to hide that made you think that I would be keeping tabs on you? And then it also made me feel like you didn’t know me at all. After all this time, if you really knew me, you wouldn’t even think that I would be capable of being the way you described me as. Or at least I believed so. The fact that you saw me as being some sort of stalker or some sort of creep just really turned me off and made me feel that you had no clue what kind of person I was. And then it made me regret having put so much trust in you because clearly, it didn’t matter.
Sweetheart, I wrote this because I know you wanted to know how I felt and here it is. I hope you understand what brought me to this point. You’re a wonderful person and I truly cared deeply for you and for us. But I find that I can’t bring myself to keep giving and giving when I don’t feel that you are going to do that for me.
Stay your happy hapa self. It’s a joy to the world around you.
snowghoul
vaporwave
titsay
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
andulkaphoto
jacobvanloon
annaxmalina
blakekathryn
