I despise the lack of depth I possess at times. While I understand that I’m not completely disconnected and out of touch, that realisation only becomes prevalent when I’m around the worst kind of humans who posses the shallowness of the kiddie pool. Once I’m surrounded by people who truly engage with things in life to the fullest I become gravely insecure. Insecure by the fact that they’re not as concerned by how their obsession with their chosen interests shapes the way people look at them (even though I do believes even the most care free humans all crave even a crumb of validation). I also become insecure in whether I qualify to claim I enjoy a particular thing because of my surface level knowledge. There was a guy I was getting to know who is deeply well versed into philosophy and while I’d never say I am out right obsessed I can’t deny my interest. However engaging with him felt humiliating; in contrast to the range of opinions and references he could pull to justify such opinions, in comparison mine felt so baseless. Granted, he was an ego maniac that also lacked the ability to conceptualise duality in opinions but nonetheless he definitely made me realise I’m not as aware, interesting or cool as I think. I don’t believe everything a person consumes should be thought provoking, if anything, both feel good and deep media/art/music etc.. are required in life. However, I want to engage in my interests with more intention. I don’t even know if saying that is pretentious or fake. Maybe I actually am a shallow person. I’ll try anyway from today. With all the things I claim to love. It feels ridiculous but I’m going to curate a list of all the things I claim to love and dig deep on all of them. But, is actively thinking long and hard disingenuous and should one just do to make it an authentic interest to someone. I feel identityless (ik that’s not a word 🖕🏾). I love tumblr. I can talk shit and nobody irl knows these stupid thoughts I have.
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