hello, tumblr users, redditors, tiktokers, felt fuckers, and horrors beyond man's comprehension. this blog is designed to be a comprehensive reference guide to the young man known as the muppet joke aka kermit aka joker aka kj, his creative work, his theology and his many followers, enemies, and associates. the bulk of this blog is dedicated to that task. perhaps this information will be of vital importance once the muppet transformation caves are complete, or kj might die in a duel tomorrow and it will be merely an interesting diversion.
i am open to any and all communications from those i write about, as i believe that is the respectful thing to do. but i have no desire to influence the events i chronicle, nor do i want to center myself. but in case my notes and communications are of interest to anyone, i am working on an appendix.
A running list of known or suspected entities, powers, or other cosmic and occult beings that have been referenced at any point.
FEARS [adapated from Smirke's 14]
The Spiral
Known as: The Distortion, Es Mentiras, The Twisting Deceit, It Is Not What It Is
Domain: Madness, unreality, deception, lies
Known manifestions: Doors, spirals, fractals
The Stranger
Known as: I Do Not Know You
Domain: The uncanny, almost-humanity, fears of being replaced or uknown
Known manifestations: Mannequins, wax figures, masks, taxidermy
The Web
Known as: The Spider, Mother of Puppets, Spinner of Schemes, Hidden Machination, The Weaver
Domain: Manipulation, being controlled
Known manifestions: Spiders, webs, puppets
The Eye
Known as: Beholding, The Ceaseless Watcher, It Knows You
Domain: Dreadful knowledge, being watched, exposed, followed, being driven to discoveries in the face of destruction.
Known manifestions: Eyes, security cameras, libraries, The Archive, books, mirrors
Known Avatars: The Archivist
The Lonely
Known as: Forsaken, The One Alone
Domain: Isolation, loneliness, disconnect, being forgotten
Known manifestions: Fog, large empty spaces, silence
Known Avatars: Martin Blackwood [formerly]
The Extinction
Known as: The Terrible Change, Future Without Us, World is Always Ending
Domain: Catastrophic change, destruction of the natural world, post-humanity
Known manifestions: Technology, Post-Humanity
The Felt [SUPSECTED]
Theory - A new emerging power, perhaps itself a manifestion of The Extinction. The emergence of a new post-humanity in the form of puppets.
A running index of all archived case IDs. List will be updated as more cases are added.
3919 Error
Relating to KJ's former partner Error and the Ohio Polycule
4315 Bucephalus
All incidents relating to Bucephalus the horse and KJ's related trauma
4401 Denise
Relating to the former relationship between Denise and Kermit
5049 Soap
Relating to KJ's former roomate, of whom's soap he habitually ate
5701 Door Research
57's astral research of the yellow door
5914 Yellow Door
Incidents related to the ominious Yellow Door that appears in the Astral Plane
6047 Gonzo Connection
Single incident (?) wherein gonzobatman claimed to be able to psychically shift to read the minds of KJ and the Brotherhood, to which KJ claimed to know gonzobatman's real offline identity
6057 Soul Virus
Incident involving Two's infection with the "soul virus" by gonzobatman and subsequent interactions and reactions
6467 The Easter Event
All incidents and reports relating to KJ's crashing of his family's easter celebration
7463 The Faceless
All statements made by the entity that calls itself "The Faceless"
7538 Therapist
Relating to KJ's therapists and violence done against them
8094 Dead Horse
Relating to KJ's attempt to poison his father's horse, Bucephalus
8888 Vriska
Relating to the emergence of KJ's Vriska kin type
9344 Denny's Fight
Incidents related to the proposed fight in a Denny's parking lot in Louisville, Kentucky USA between KJ and tumblr user cabbagex4
0169 Astral Battle
Incidents and followup regarding the battle against strange-aeons undertaken by the brotherhood on the astral plane, initiated by muppetjokernumbersixtyninefan
0373 The Hunger
All statements made by the entity referred to by the Archivist as "The Hunger"
0401 Defecation Incident
Relating to the incident in which Four took a shit on KJ's doorstep
0420 Astral Blunt Rotation
All statements and occurances related to the Astral Blunt Rotation as initiationed by muppetjokerfan420
0771 Ollipop
A new kind of soda that supports digestive health
0905 Magnum Opus
Relating to KJ's "magnum opus", a work of original fiction
ur fucking deranged. i bet u wouldnt like it if astranger bot a plushie of YOU witht he purpose to to cum init withithout your awareness or permission. CREEP.
As I've recently learned there is someone actively kinning me this is something I've actually been thinking about. And you know what? If someone WERE to fuck a Plush of me I think I'd be flattered. (Assuming the aren't a women, but since women don't need to master bate I don't think I have to worry about that)
I don't know what the fuck that means. Also do not think my distain for women reflects the morals of the entire brotherhood, father is incredibly generous to your kind. You act like yoy know all about us but you know nothing. Do your fucking research before you talk shit.
it's true kj has started to move away from his hardline misogyny and towards something a bit more nuanced. the vriska shift seems to have caused him to rethink some things. i can confirm this. his exposure to strange-aeons and her lesbian witch ways on the astral plane might also be a factor
also five: "flicking it" is a shortened version of "flicking the bean," which is a slang term stimulating the clitoris, often but not always used in the context of describing masturbation as it's the easiest way for most women to achieve orgasm. fyi this also applies to trans women, but i don't have time to get into the nuances of anatomy and how they relate to gender at the moment.
i know we have had our differences, but you seem to have been deprived of any sexual education whatsoever, and for that you have my sympathy.
What is there to 'learn' about sex it seems pretty straight forward to me, not that i ever gave much of a shit about sex seeing as my time is much better spent on other things. Also why the fuck do woman orgasm?? thats disgusting
1) with all due respect five, most people who have had some decent sexual education are not so troubled that they are trying force themselves to be attracted to muppets nor are they haunted by erotic nightmares about mannequins. they're most just doing what they want and having a good time.
'doing what they want and having a good time' sounds pathetic. If everybody just went around doing what they wanted with no regaurd for the consiquences society would fall apart. It's sane people like me and the brotherhood that keep all these librals from driving it into the ground. Giving in to doing something you want even when you know it will leave you vulnerable is a show of weakness. when you surround yourself with wolves as I do, weakness will get you killed. ps women getting to cum only makes me hate them more.
your posts continue to be quite revealing. thank you for transparency as always, although i'm starting to suspect you may have not actually spent much time on 4chan as you claim.
Im currious what made you choose to cover number five first, why not someone cooler like Denise or Mis?
cool people are complicated. denise and mis have managed to get a lot of lore very quickly, and thus take a lot more time and energy to cover in depth.
conversely, five is one of the most straight forward members of the brotherhood. he knows what he's about (the croaker and misogyny), he doesn't seem to have any fandoms let alone any kin-types or unusual kinks. if i had to guess i'd say he's in his late teens (definitely not older than 25), and doesn't seem to have anything going on outside the brotherhood. in terms of interactions with other blogs, he mostly sticks to them unless approached directly, so the research process didn't take long.
all of this made writing up a profile of him relatively easy. gonzobatman and four were a bit harder but they both have a one-track mind, at least on tumblr where they're pretty much exclusively fixated on getting a rise out of kj, so there just isn't that much to cover.
i am working on profiles for mis and denise, but they're taking longer because well, the busload of lore.
ur fucking deranged. i bet u wouldnt like it if astranger bot a plushie of YOU witht he purpose to to cum init withithout your awareness or permission. CREEP.
As I've recently learned there is someone actively kinning me this is something I've actually been thinking about. And you know what? If someone WERE to fuck a Plush of me I think I'd be flattered. (Assuming the aren't a women, but since women don't need to master bate I don't think I have to worry about that)
I don't know what the fuck that means. Also do not think my distain for women reflects the morals of the entire brotherhood, father is incredibly generous to your kind. You act like yoy know all about us but you know nothing. Do your fucking research before you talk shit.
it's true kj has started to move away from his hardline misogyny and towards something a bit more nuanced. the vriska shift seems to have caused him to rethink some things. i can confirm this. his exposure to strange-aeons and her lesbian witch ways on the astral plane might also be a factor
also five: "flicking it" is a shortened version of "flicking the bean," which is a slang term stimulating the clitoris, often but not always used in the context of describing masturbation as it's the easiest way for most women to achieve orgasm. fyi this also applies to trans women, but i don't have time to get into the nuances of anatomy and how they relate to gender at the moment.
i know we have had our differences, but you seem to have been deprived of any sexual education whatsoever, and for that you have my sympathy.
What is there to 'learn' about sex it seems pretty straight forward to me, not that i ever gave much of a shit about sex seeing as my time is much better spent on other things. Also why the fuck do woman orgasm?? thats disgusting
1) with all due respect five, most people who have had some decent sexual education are not so troubled that they are trying force themselves to be attracted to muppets nor are they haunted by erotic nightmares about mannequins. they're most just doing what they want and having a good time.
ur fucking deranged. i bet u wouldnt like it if astranger bot a plushie of YOU witht he purpose to to cum init withithout your awareness or permission. CREEP.
As I've recently learned there is someone actively kinning me this is something I've actually been thinking about. And you know what? If someone WERE to fuck a Plush of me I think I'd be flattered. (Assuming the aren't a women, but since women don't need to master bate I don't think I have to worry about that)
I don't know what the fuck that means. Also do not think my distain for women reflects the morals of the entire brotherhood, father is incredibly generous to your kind. You act like yoy know all about us but you know nothing. Do your fucking research before you talk shit.
it's true kj has started to move away from his hardline misogyny and towards something a bit more nuanced. the vriska shift seems to have caused him to rethink some things. i can confirm this. his exposure to strange-aeons and her lesbian witch ways on the astral plane might also be a factor
also five: "flicking it" is a shortened version of "flicking the bean," which is a slang term stimulating the clitoris, often but not always used in the context of describing masturbation as it's the easiest way for most women to achieve orgasm. fyi this also applies to trans women, but i don't have time to get into the nuances of anatomy and how they relate to gender at the moment.
i know we have had our differences, but you seem to have been deprived of any sexual education whatsoever, and for that you have my sympathy.
i have completed the first stage of research on mis. now i just have to go through her communications and posts by others (mostly denise). frankly, i think she might be the only rival of kj's to match his intensity. given enough time, she might establish a following in her own right. and she's the only one i know of to have biblical kin (she claims to be mary, mother of god), and her obsession with miss piggy definitely has a religious aspect.
oh, and she might be blackmailing the dalai lama. that isn't relevant to anything, but i think it is interesting.
in other news, several people have pointed out kj seems to be attributing quotes from the great play equus. this is strange, as equus is about a young man whose pyscho-sexual, deeply religious fixation on horses as well as his father issues eventually leads to him blinding six horses in a stable he had been working at. there are some key differences. alan strang did not hate horses, he loved them way too much. he saw horses as a replacement or escape from his father instead of rival for his father's affection, and sought out work at the stables. alan was sexually fixated on the horse equus in ways that mirror kj's fixation on his kermit plush. kj has been complaining that he feels his kermit plush is watching him, and if you have seen or read equus you know this is... concerning. i should also note that equus was inspired by a real-life incident.
is this intentional? i doubt kj would be able to get through it, due to all the horses. maybe he just wanted to see daniel radcliffe naked, which definitely led many a teenage girl and gay boy to the play in my youth.
in other news, the soul virus situation continues to develop. i will to monitor it, and hopefully i will find some time to update the entry soon. i realize this is a matter of great importance, but i promised to prioritize the winner of the poll and i am nothing if not a person of integrity.
i must keep it together. i do not want to subject my loved ones to the horrors i document. if i go too far, i might end up like martin dysart.
as per my deal with a hungry entity, i am posting the occasional recipe. i am not a professional chef, and these are not written formally. i hope these humble offerings will still suffice.
avgolemono soup
this is basically a creamy soup with no dairy, instead using a mixture of eggs and lemon juice. many different cultures have versions of this as a sauce or a soup. i'm using the greek name as it is the most common in the u.s.
personally, i'm familiar with it through sephardic cusine. kosher law forbids mixing dairy with meat, and thus most cream sauces and soups were forbidden. this proved a wonderful substitute. the ingredients are easy to come by, and while it requires some concentration it doesn't take that long to make.
tools
a pot. i use my dutch oven but pretty much any pot will do. just don't use a saucepan.
large heat proof bowl
whisk
spatula. i prefer to use a wooden one.
ladle.
cutting board
knife. it just needs to be sharp enough to chop onions
ingredients
salt and pepper. i like kosher salt and have a pepper grinder with a blend of black, white, and red peppercorns, but that's just me.
3ish tablespoons olive oil. just enough to cover the pan and cook the onions. i've tried shmaltz and butter as well, and while i wouldn't recommend substituting it can be done in a pinch.
1 yellow onion. or a white onion. just not a red one. i've tried using a few shallots instead and i wasn't a fan, but some people might like it.
3 or 4 eggs. this will impact texture. 3 eggs to 1/2 cup of lemon juice will result in a slightly lighter and fluffier soup and four eggs to 1/2 cup lemon juice will be slightly thicker and creamier soup.
8 cups chicken broth. i just use better than bullion. if you want more control over the saltiness, i'd recommend getting low-sodium broth and salting to taste.
1/2 cup lemon juice. use fresh lemon juice. it's one of those cases where you really can taste the difference, and citrus juicer are inexpensive. if you're unsure how many you'll need, just grab a bag.
1 cup orzo. arborio rice (a starchy short grain rice used to make rissoto) can also be used, although i'd recommend only using 1/2 to 3/4 cups of that.
shredded chicken. just get a rotisserie chicken and shred it yourself. i prefer breast meat in this dish, but you can add dark meat or even chicken skin if you want. add as much as you want. i'm not your mom.
fresh dill.
instructions
shred the chicken
chop or dice the onion according to your preference. if you don't know how, just google some techniques. and use the cutting board. if you don't have one, get one. you need it. season with salt and pepper.
if you haven't already, juice those lemons and measure it out.
gather all your ingredients and tools. trust me, it's way easier.
heat the olive oil in your pot/dutch open/whatever over medium heat
add the chopped/diced onions and sautée until softened. how much is up to you.
add the chicken broth and bring to a boil.
add the orzo and cook until tender.
in the mean time, combine the eggs and lemon juice in the heat-proof bowl and whisk together. don't half ass this. you should end up with a fluffy, light mixture.
now here comes the tricky part. when the orzo is cooked, reduce the heat until the soup is at a gentle simmer (i'd aim for low-medium). then, SLOWLY add about one cup of hot broth to the egg-lemon mixture WHILE WHISKING THE MIXTURE. you can use a measuring cup or your ladle. this can be tricky to do alone, so if you prefer you can get someone to pour the broth or whisk the mixture for you.
then, slowly begin to add the mixture into the soup while CONSTANTLY WHISKING THE SOUP. if done incorrectly, the soup will curdle and you'll end up with something more like egg drop soup. go slow, and pay attention. if the soup gets above a gentle simmer, turn down the heat more. don't stop whisking for more than a few seconds though. i told you this part was hard.
add the chicken. it shouldn't take more than a minute to heat through.
remove from heat and adjust seasoning. serve hot, and garnish the soup with fresh dill. you can skip that last part if you want to, but i think it really brings the dish together flavor wise.
hello, tumblr users, redditors, tiktokers, felt fuckers, and horrors beyond man's comprehension. this blog is designed to be a comprehensive reference guide to the young man known as the muppet joke aka kermit aka joker aka kj, his creative work, his theology and his many followers, enemies, and associates. the bulk of this blog is dedicated to that task. perhaps this information will be of vital importance once the muppet transformation caves are complete, or kj might die in a duel tomorrow and it will be merely an interesting diversion.
i am open to any and all communications from those i write about, as i believe that is the respectful thing to do. but i have no desire to influence the events i chronicle, nor do i want to center myself. but in case my notes and communications are of interest to anyone, i am working on an appendix.
introduction has been replaced with an authors note, and you now have to click through to see the table of contents, as it is getting quite large already
i requested that the entity known as gonzobatman1 send me mental instructions on how to get the good shit. i figured i had met up with far scummier people in far sketchier locales to get weed, so i didn't have any excuse not to ask for the connect. i am happy to say it worked spectacularly, and i had a grand time getting high with my cats.
unfortunately, the shit was so good that i missed several important developments. i also had an alarming dream. i was alice, but what i saw run by yelling "i'm late, i'm late!" wasn't a rabbit. i don't know what it was, muppet or man. and when i followed him, it wasn't any mere rabbit hole. it was a cave. unfortunately i did not think to pause and get a good look at it. some sort of grand, terrible urgency had possessed me, and it wasn't until i was deep in the depths that i realized that nothing was organic. i awoke in a cold sweat.
this may be a side effect of the edibles, but i did promise some eldritch horror to post a few recipes, so perhaps it was merely reminding me of our bargain. unfortunately my workload grows greater by the hour, but many have left helpful leads in my inbox already and i am not alone in my quest for well-organized knowledge. i have opened the submission box as it is more flexible than asks. perhaps i will publish some submitted statements with accreditation in the future. i have decided to start organizing my notes, correspondences, etc. into an appendix. i might make a separate master post for the table of contents soon.
as much as i would love to devote myself completely this project, i think i must answer the calls of the material realm. perhaps this will ground me some. i am a creature of meat, not felt. i am a creature of meat, not felt.
in other news, the poll is almost done. i will prioritize the top results, as well as the updates to gonzobatman and the soul virus entries. i also want to have an entry on the scheduled duel in the denny's parking lot out before it happens. and i should probably get going on those recipes, as it is unwise to keep the old gods waiting.
i've had several people contacting me about the personal tumblr of someone that has a past with kj that pre-dates his tumblr fame. i am being vague because i was already aware of the account when i started this project and did enough digging to know they have stated that they want to be left alone about this subject. i think this is a perfectly reasonable request even if you are inclined to believe kj is a troll.
i thought about asking them if i could screenshot some of their older statements on kj and censor the identifying details, but frankly their personal blog is of little relevance and most of their statements are just confirmations of things documented elsewhere and thus not worth bothering them over to begin with. i hope other interested parties can understand and respect that as well.
