i’m typesetting now posting this in the meantime i have genuine issues i gotta go read the source material as a palette cleanser all this cheesy gooey eyed nonsense is getting out of hand
major thought while reading Steel Ball Run: how many times do we have to witness Johnny and Gyro despairing over each other's potential demise!?
tell me some of you have had your heart broken during these scenes, i want to create an emotional peer support group:
the battle with soundman sandman was a foreshadow i guess
almost strangled johnny down here
but then turned around and wanted to ugly cry ... johnny, if it were another person you wouldn't have sacrificed ... but because it's gyro you did
and of course, there's the finale (which was very heartbreaking considering Johnny was so shaken he couldn’t even scream out Gyro’s name like the previous times)
i feel like Araki wanted to triple whatever CaeJose had with GyJo, because the pain was tripled in both frequency and intensity—but at least Johnny got to hear and see Gyro’s last moment, unlike Joseph
Steel Ball Run was not a race by the end of the story, it was a pilgrimage.
First, a quote from Araki on the idea behind SBR, which leads me to believe the whole story was Johnny's pilgrimage (and maybe Gyro's):
I like walking along a pilgrimage route like the Kumano Kodō across multiple days and visiting the shrines there. I like to wonder what the religious significance is and what effect it has on people. After walking for a long time, my feet start to ache and I feel like I want to throw away some of my things. That's when I started to understand what’s necessary to me. ... I also brought some onigiri with me, but I just wanted to eat them all quickly because I wanted to lighten my load (laughs).I like that kind of thing, and that was my first motivation for starting SBR.
The journey is a reflective, spiritual journey. Now, while it was not ever stated that Johnny was a believer/a christian, the religious imagery employed by Araki in the story was from christianity, right? (some said Mormon version, but since I'm not familiar with it, I will not go there)
So, I couldn’t help but compare Johnny’s story to a story from the New Testament, about a paraplegic man who, after what must have been quite an arduous journey searching for Jesus, aided by his friends, could finally walk again, but only after he was told that his sins were forgiven.
Johnny, from being paraplegic to walking again,
Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”
from being, in his own mind, less than zero, ‘sinful’, burdened by Nicholas' death,
to being someone who can go home.
Jesus now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
Johnny, who, at the end of the story, reminisced about how often they prayed along the way.
In Araki's own words, maybe about these particular scenes of "journey of prayer":
"Sometimes I wonder what the right path even is. I wonder what would happen if I were to go down the wrong path, in pursuit of love or justice. What are the right and wrong paths, and how are we supposed to distinguish between the two? Will anyone ever tell us? If we hurt the ones we love because we love them, how can we escape it? Gyro and Johnny, as well as everyone else involved in the race, are in that situation. Can they do anything other than pray?"
The men in the bible story didn't know for sure either whether they would actually gain anything in searching for Jesus, for opening up a roof and presenting themselves in that surprising way in front of others, being adamant in their vulnerability. But they must have prayed, and believed.
Now, in Gyro, I saw someone who acted as the ‘friend who brought his friend to receive a miracle so that he might walk again.’ Gyro, who was trying to understand every words/teachings passed down from the Zeppeli family tree, including those on “miracles.” Meanwhile, Johnny was someone who had been left with nothing else except to believe in such things.
Alright, that's just my roundabout thought on how the SBR reminded me of a story taught in my childhood sunday schools.
But, God, maybe I just want to believe that Johnny became a bit of a believer at the end, finding peace about Gyro’s death because, in his mind, one day he’ll go to the same home as Gyro (in the afterlife).
listen along with reverie, composed by claude debussy!
alt title: White Boy Stuns Saloon With Latent Skill To Impress Situationship
idk if i made this way too dramatic or what. anyway, thanks SOOO MUCH TO MY BUDDY @pooptrucks FOR LETTING ME RUN W YOUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 💙 SUCH A SWEET LITTLE PIECE OF WRITING i had such fun adapting it i hope u enjoy/are ok with the places i took some writing liberties 🏃✍️
the piece he’s playing as i said at the top is reverie by composer claude debussy NOW BEFORE ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING YES I KNOW THIS SONG WAS COMPOSED IN 1890. so genuinely RIGHT as the race is happening. but lets imagine, for the sake of me really really wanting johnny to play this song, that it actually came to england in like 1877 when he started taking his rich kid lessons. please. for me 💔 i kinda wrote it into the comic but its one of my favorite pieces of music ever…tho i do not play piano so apologies if the piano playing panels look inaccurate.
i feel like some of the gyro panels look dumb but hes dumb anyway so. lets just stick with the dead wife agenda. also did i draw a single background? no. and i feel so free. also johnny pink wheelchair mention 💔i miss her
anyhow thanks for reading and thanks again annie 💙💙💫
Summary : Behind a smoke screen of lies, will their love be able to survive when life comes in to break that screen?
Warnings (+18) : angst, sprinkle of toxic relationship, toxic parenting, and a pinch SMUT - WK : 10.5k
A/N : I'm so happy to be able to share a new story with you. I hope you guys enjoy it the same I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for those who still support me despite my inconsistency. It was supposed to be a short story but if you know me, you know....Enjoy!
Writing takes a lot of time, if you enjoyed, please reblog, comment and interact. Don't be shy. That's why the anon button exists. English is not my first language.
Drake plays in the background as they both sit down in the car, jamming and humming to the rhythm of the music. After two weeks without interactions, they both need these simple moments to reconnect. A reason to once again justify their reunion despite the numerous tumultuous episodes. They point at each other when their favourite lyrics caress their ear. A sense of connection, a smoking mirror of intimacy.
Music is what brought them together in the first place and still does to this day. How could she ever forget the way they vibed together at Central Cee concert? The two of them perfectly sang the lyrics and danced to the rhythm of the music as if they had known each other their entire lives.
Djed was impressed, to say the least. Mesmerised by her raw and authentic energy. Before the event ended, she handed him her phone number on demand. The harmonious face features, locs and vibrant energy were enough to make her capitulate. Although she was clearly attracted to the man, she refused to put too much thought into it. If he calls back, good. If he does not, his loss. Djed texted her the same night. ”Did you make it home safely? It’s Djed! We met at the concert.”
The beginning of a roller coaster ride – she just did not know it back then. How could she? Google research should have stopped her. What did she expect from an athlete? Somehow she managed to convince herself that he is discreet. Contrary to his peers, he is rarely, if ever, on gossip pages. He seems religious, chill, and fun to be around. Everything seemed easy. Way too easy. Then reality hit. The first looping happened. A random girl that looked nothing like her sending her threats. Leave Djed alone. He’s mine, you ugly-ass bitch.
She confronted him. He denied, wrapping his lies in honey topped up with sprinkles of promises.
”So you don’t know her?”
”No, babe. You have my word. You’re the only one on my mind.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Weirdly, she enjoyed the way they sounded. Coated in love confessions and promises.
The text message lights up the cardboard. It is clear. The name at the centre of their numerous disputes appeared on the screen once again. ”When are you coming over? I miss you, D❤️”
Djed rapidly grabs the phone as if it could delete what just happened. He feels her burning eyes on him but chooses to watch her building facade. The lyrics they were singing minutes ago suddenly feel like a slap in the face. The reminder of her reality. One where Djed might be lying to her, playing in her face like a kid playing marbles in the playground. Her throat burns, the rage piling up at the pit of her stomach.
”Are you kidding me? You’re back on your shit again?”
”She probably made a mistake. I haven't been in contact with her for weeks.”
”Yeah, it’s never your fault. Of course. You know what? I’m not even going to bother tonight. I’m out.” With that, she exits the car, rearranging her tiny leather skirt in the process. The one she purposefully chose for him. The car door slams, followed by his footsteps. She can feel his presence behind her but plays deaf. The house keys have never been that out of reach, even in her mini designer bag he gifted her last month. Djed keeps repeating her name like the chorus of a pop song. She ignores. Her fingers bump against every corner of her bag until she feels the hard steel.
He is so close that his cologne invades her senses. As she prepares to open the main door, Djed pushes the door. His movement is not aggressive, just perfectly firm.
”If you ignore me, it’s very simple. I’m going to ring that door until your mother opens it so I can introduce myself to her.” She pauses, breathing out loud to regulate the boiling blood in her system. He knows that her mother would disinherit her if she ever learn about their relationship. If she could even put a name on it. Anger slowly rises as she quietly observes him. The more she stares, the more she feels like throwing her keys in his face.
Her voice is barely a whisper when she responds, ”I dare you to, Djed.”
“I’m pretty sure she’ll be disappointed to hear that her perfect Christian daughter is messing around with a Muslim. That she’s lying about lecturing teenagers to see me.” Her eyes express all the rage she cannot voice out without waking up the entire neighbourhood.
”You don’t want her to know that you’re not only getting on your knees to pray.”
”Go to hell, Djed. You’re not the only one who can play this game. One interview is all it takes to destroy that pure image of the Muslim boy. Like that, both of our families are going to be very disappointed.”
The tension heightens when she retaliates. Both of them leaning on the main door, the distance between their faces is ridiculous. She feels his hot breath on her when he leans in, his mouth timidly kissing her ear.
”I won’t mind, babe. At least, we’ll rely on each other.” She wants to push him. Scream how much she hates him. In her head this is what she does. Reality is quite the opposite. She simply stands there, allowing his kisses to poison her mind. That scene feels like watching the same telenovela all over again. Djed gets bolder. His fingers gently grab her chin, tenderly closing the small gap between their faces.
The text message replays on loop in her head. Today, something irritates her more than before. With a firm gesture, she rests her finger on his lips, refraining him from kissing her. She ignores her body begging for love and attention. Imploring to be touched, caressed and appreciated like it used to near Djed.
”I should get inside.” She dryly cuts the conversation. Bombarding him with questions about that girl never worked before. Why would it suddenly change tonight? She is no longer that gullible girl he met at the beginning of their illusion of a relationship.
”Oh, and this is how you say goodbye?”
”Yeah. I’m pretty sure you can get kisses and hugs from Kelly. Apparently mine aren’t enough anyway.” She concludes, her body rapidly moving away from him as she joins her building. End of the conversation. Tonight, she refuses to engage in the same circle.
”Babe. Babe. Babe.” She ignores the number of times he repeated that word. Could have been fifty, could have been a hundred. It is none of her business. The second she crosses the entrance of her building, Djed becomes a second thought. After all, she has an image to maintain at home. As per usual, the seconds in the elevator feel like hours. Fifth floor, a rapid and precise glance just in case. No one, nothing to worry about. Only after that, she opens the small trapdoor.
From now on, it is purely routine. The vibrations of her phone remind her to put it on do not disturb. She is not taking any risks. Her fingers dig every corner, ignoring the dust that stays on her skin until she finds the blue plastic bag. One of her biggest secrets. The plastic that often contained two parts of her identity: the parent-friendly one and the other. The sounds coming from the several apartments are not sufficient to stress her out. She is on a mission: looking like the stereotypical church girl. Which means no heels, mini skirts, décolleté, wigs or makeup.
If phones could speak, they would probably gossip about her. Having a blast, highlighting how ridiculous she looks, removing her makeup in front of her phone screen and going back to modest clothes. Once the mission is accomplished, another behind the door waits for her.
The simple click of the door probably alerts her. She is right. The middle-aged woman she calls 'mother', calmly sitting on the sofa. By the way, she longingly inspects her frame; questioning is right around the corner.
”You’re coming home pretty late from that lecture.” She remarks, her eyes glancing at the holy book in her hands. Lecture? More like reading through Djed’s nonsense.
”Mom, come on. You know teenagers. They had one hundred questions.”
”What intrigued them today?” Not the reply she expected but she has to roll with it.
”We talked about too many topics. It would probably take me all night long to summarise everything… All I crave is a good night of sleep.”
Her mother nods, the braids on her head following her head movement. She finally smiles at her. The type of gesture that rarely ever fails to make her guilty. However, it is the only way. The concept of dating would go over her mother’s head. Life is made to be explored, and she is not intending to miss out on anything.
”Good night, sweetheart.”
”Good night, Mom.” Without adding another word, she vanishes to her bedroom. That act is exhausting, but as she explained earlier, she needs to live her own life and protect herself. All of that by cautiously avoiding conflict with her mother.
With a loud sigh, she throws her bathrobe on before falling onto her single bed. Like 80% of people, she casts a glance at her notifications and removes DND. Texts and missed calls flooded in within minutes, all of them from the same man: Djed. Any other day, she would have taken time to read and respond, but not tonight. Today is all about peace. If Djed wants to play stupid with Kelly, she will act accordingly.
*****
Three days later…
Djed never stopped calling, texting or even bombarding her on Instagram. She misses him. Saying otherwise would be a blatant lie. Nevertheless, this time she barely has the energy to engage in another back and forth with him. She already gave too much. So much so, she has nothing left in stock. She is too exhausted to pursue or even pretend.
For the past days, her attention has been on this guy at her church. The one she plays the piano with. They have been interacting through texts, and she enjoys their conversations thus far. No inappropriate word, touch or gesture. A real gentleman. Even if she must admits, he is not as funny as Djed can be.
She aimlessly scrolls on Instagram, looking for anything that could put her mind on pause. Stopping her mind from wondering why on earth Djed is always talking to that woman. As long as he is not honest about their situation, she will not talk to him.
Speaking of the devil, there he is, calling her phone for the tenth time of the day. Like she has been doing for days, she declines. Her mind already knows he will try again. Wrong assumption. The next text forces her out of bed. ”I’m downstairs, doughnut. Come over.”
She cautiously walks to the window to check by herself. This is not a lie. His black Mercedes catches her attention. At that moment, the burning fire revives. The same one she tried to tame for the past week, an explosive mix of anger, sadness and confusion.
Her fingers type as she tries to calm her hot breath. ”Fuck you. I’m not coming.” Before she could think, a loud groan slipped from her lips. He always finds a way to come back to her. His audacity is very impressive, she must admit. Another text. Less than thirty seconds after she sent hers.
”It wasn’t a request. Come downstairs, or I’ll start honking and wake the entire neighbourhood up, including your mom.” Jumping from the window sounds more appealing than her mother finding out about her secret life.
With an extreme eye roll, she wraps herself in a pink bathrobe, puts her pink furry slippers on to fight the small fall breeze and discreetly heads outside of the house. With each step, she prays her mother does not wake up. What kind of excuses could she give for going outside the house at such hours? Way past midnight.
The fresh wind hits her face and naked legs, but she keeps walking, led by curiosity or hope. She cannot tell. After double-checking her environment, she gets into the black car. There he is, dressed in a cream tracksuit, white sneakers and a black cap. Of course, he had to be even finer than she could recall. Djed immediately leans in to kiss her cheek. She barely moves, completely ignoring him.
”I missed you, doughnut.”
”Don’t even try it, Djed. It’s not going to work this time.” He drives further to ensure their privacy. Somewhere near a park where no one could see them. A place where no one could spread rumours to her mother. The car stops, and he pulls out a white box. One she can recognise among many.
”I brought your favourite pastries. I’ve stayed in line for an hour just to get these doughnuts for you.” She opened the box, revealing the crème brûlée doughnuts she loves so much. The attention is cute. Still not enough for her to forget about Kelly. The pending shadow over their supposed relationship or whatever. Nothing official except dates, feelings, great sex and a sprinkle of jealousy coming from both sides.
”Am I supposed to forgive you because you brought food? Really, Djed? You’ve been spending way too much time watching those old-school video clips.”
He barely contains his amusement. ”For my defence, they never bring food. Only flowers, necklaces and stuff.” Under other circumstances, she would have laughed. Yet there is nothing to giggle about. Nothing about their situation is funny. The grin on his face rapidly vanishes when he notices her dark stare.
”What I mean is…” He pauses, his fingers playing with the fabrics of his joggers. ”I just thought you’d be happy. I like seeing you smile.”
She rolls her eyes in response, her eyes stealing a glance at the window. ”I’d be happier if you were good to me. And mostly honest.”
Djed groans after rubbing his eyes. ”I’m honest. Kelly isn’t my girl. We’ve been talking, flirting and intimate, but it was at the very start of our story.”
”Why is she always texting and calling you then? If you were really done, you wouldn’t be out there entertaining her. It makes no sense.”
”It makes absolute sense. We already had that conversation last month. Should I remind you what you told me?” He stares at her, looking for a reaction. Instead, she keeps looking at the fancy buildings near them. Her arms cross as she realises how uncomfortable that conversation is turning.
”You told me for now you prefer to see where it goes. You’re not ready. I respect that, but you’re not going to get exclusivity without giving anything in return. This isn’t how it works.”
”I’ve said that because of that exact reason. If you’re always out there talking to somebody else, why would I decide to be exclusive with you? I refuse to be in the middle of a love triangle.” Her tone is cutting, accusatory.
”Oh, come on, man. You’re not even honest. How can you talk about Kelly when you’re talking to that fucking guy at church? Now who’s telling me you’re not talking to more men?”
Something gets her attention, forcing her to look at him in the eyes. They never talked about Khalil together. She can also swear on her own life that he never caught a text message or anything. Which leaves the door open only for one option. The silence in the car speaks for itself. The tension is at its peak.
The words finally come out. The decibels increasing in the small space. ”You’ve been stalking me? Are you out of your fucking mind?”
”I needed to make sure you’re good. You were ignoring me.” No smile on his face, only that small spark in his eyes as if he had accomplished something respectable.
”It still doesn’t give you the right to fucking stalk me, Djed.” The tone of her voice keeps rising as she realises what is actually happening.
”I don’t like the idea of you talking to other guys. You’re supposed to be mine.”
“Supposed to be – you said it yourself.” She pauses before pursing, ”I’ll never be yours as long as you keep messing around with that other girl, Djed. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
In the calmest timbre, he says, ”You haven’t denied anything. I assume you’re talking to him.” One more frustration to add on her list. He does not even seem to care about stalking her.
"Is that all you care about, Djed? Really? You’ve literally stalked me.”
He nervously laughs. His hands resting on his knees as he explains, ”It’s not stalking. I didn’t spend my entire day following you. I just went to your church to make sure you were attending. At first, I was happy to see you then that cunt appeared out of nowhere to whisper something in your ear. So yeah, I came back the next day to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting anything. And I wasn’t.”
By the time he finished his rent, she could feel the jealousy overflowing. The resentment in his voice. Although communication and maturity are advised, a part of her enjoys that situation. Mirror effect. Time to go through what he put her through.
”As long as you’re not honest about what’s going on between you and that girl, I’m not saying anything.” This is her time to grin.
The tension lightly decreases as he gently takes her hand. ”You’re making me go insane. She’s not my girlfriend. I’ve already told you. We had sex twice. That’s all.”
”Why don’t I believe that? She’s a nobody for you, but she’s always in your phone. You’re still fucking her; just be honest.”
”I’m honest. You’re overthinking.”
”No, I’m not. Don’t even try to gaslight me. You’re out there giving me all the reasons in the world to doubt. It’s all your fault, Djed.”
”How can you be mad at me when you’re talking to another guy? You’re a hypocrite. I’ve seen how you were sitting close to him, how his arm wrapped around your shoulders. I swear if you keep pushing me, I’ll spill everything about you at your church.”
”Spill what? That we’re speaking and learning piano together? Wow. Nobody fucking cares because we’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not a sin to talk to a man.”
”Flirting is.”
”Oh, really? I hope you keep the same energy next time we’re fucking because fornication is a sin too. Fucking clown. Committing every sin under the sun except eating pork doesn’t make you a good Muslim, Djed.”
“I’m not stealing or drinking alcohol, and I haven’t killed anyone yet.” She furrows her eyebrows. “Might kill whoever you’re speaking to at church tho.”
"Stop acting gangsta, you can barely fight. Calm the fuck down. Anyway, are we done? Because sleep sounds way more appealing than whatever you’re spewing.” Her hand rests on the handle, ready to exit at any time. He places a hand on her shoulder, another attempt to connect.
”I was joking. You need to relax, doughnut.”
She loses patience once again. ”How do you want me to relax when you’re stressing me out?”
”What do you want me to say? Kelly isn’t my girl. We’re just talking.”
The anger she tried to contain for so long finally escapes. She is now almost screaming in the car with dramatic hand gestures. She wants him for herself and herself only.
”How do I know you’re not doing more than talking? Djed, we had an agreement… I swear on my life if you sleep with me and her at the same time… Pause. Why are you even talking to her? What are the reasons? I thought I was the one you wanted to be with. See? Only lies come out of that mouth… Am I supposed to fight or compete with her to be your girl? If that’s what you expect from me, I gladly suggest you go fuck yourself.”
Before she could open the door, he pressed the button, locking them up inside the restricted space. She forces the handle as if it could change anything. He interrupts the short silence with a composed voice, ”No need to fight, doughnut. My heart already belongs to you. Except for my sister, you’re the only person I could spend an hour in line for, just for doughnuts.”
This time she cracks a weak smile. Although she hates herself for it. The attention is more than cute and very thoughtful. Yet, boundaries need to be set. “Good, because the heart isn’t all I want. I want your body to belong to me too. It means you stop talking to her and I stop talking to Khalil. Now if you lie to my face… We’re done, and I’m not playing this time.”
Djed leans closer, closing the small distance between them. He whispers ”deal” with a proud grin on his face. The contact of his fingers on her cheek extended that timid grin on her face. Her heart melted at that gesture and that look. Him gazing at her as if she is the most beautiful creation he has ever seen.
”There she goes. My doughnut with the prettiest smile.”
”Stop calling me like that. Anyway, I should go back before my mom wakes up. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
”Wait… Five more minutes, please.” He pleads with that tone which makes her heart melt. ”I haven’t seen you for days. Come on.”
“Five, not one more.” She barely had time to finish her sentence that captures her lips like a starved man. Slowly, whatever they went through for the past weeks goes to the very back of her mind. There is no way she can think when his lips move that sensually and slowly against hers.
”Djed.” She moans when they split. Their eyes expressing a desire they cannot materialise tonight. This is what she thought until she felt his hand slowly but meticulously finding its way under the bathrobe.
She repeats his name like a secret spell. ”Djed.” His eyes are still fixating on her as he pushes her panties to the side.
”Stop me. Tell me to stop, doughnut.” Instead, she bites her lips. The reality is that she does not want him to stop. She wants it. She has been craving it for a few days now. Their surroundings slowly fade away as she focuses on the precision of his movements. Her head falling back on the headrest, eyes closing at the repetitive contact of the tip of his finger against her swollen bud.
”Ah! Dj..ed.”
They just getting started that the fire at the pit of her stomach already threatened to burn everything in its way. She gently tries to grab his wrist in vain. Nothing will stop him from pleasing her. The brown of eyes plunging into hers like his fingers slipping past her warm and wet walls. She squirms on the chair, spreading her legs wider for better access.
”Hear how wet you are? Still going to deny that you didn’t miss me?” Words simply stayed stuck in her throat as the pace of his movement intensified, making the sloppiest sound in the car. At the moment, only moans make it past her lips. Her eyes closing each time he touches that spot. The one that often sent her over the edge.
”Say it’s mine.” He grabs her cheeks with his free hand, forcing their eyes to meet again. Moans keep falling from her open mouth like pleas. Djed leans and captures her lips, aggressively almost claiming her mouth. Her wetness coating his fingers and seat. None of them cared.
Tears gather at the corner of her eyes as he pushes his digits further. The movement of his fingers is torturously slow, rubbing against all her sensitive spots, just how she likes. She grabs his wrist, as if it could stop him from doing whatever he is doing.
”Say it.”
She surrenders. “It’s…yours…Fucking…Yours.”
”Good girl.” Her body breaks, crumbling under the pleasure. He never stops as she wets the seat and her bathrobe, her juices disrespectfully covering these surfaces.
”Djed. Fuck.”
He keeps going as if he wants to break her. His fingers rubbing continuously on that same spongy spot. Their locked eyes intensified the moment just like his hand on her cheeks. ”Are you coming to the stadium this weekend?” He knows exactly what he is doing.
”Djed…I…shit.”
He slows down, leaving her no other choice than agreeing. There is no way she could go back home with that fire in between her legs. ”You get to cum depending on your response, beautiful.”
One more time, she completely gives herself to him. ”Yes, yes, yes, I’m coming.”
”You’re so good to me, beautiful.” He claims her lips again, turning down the volume of her moans with his mouth. Just like that, he felt her walls clenching around him for the second time of the night. They split, and he licks his wet digits before wiping the rest on his joggers.
”You’re so fucking nasty, Djed.”
”Oh, come on. You weren’t complaining two minutes ago.” He checks his phone, a grimace taking over. ”You should go back home. I don’t want to get you in trouble. I wish I had more time to make you feel good.”
Now everything comes back to her. She is outside in the middle of the night. If her mother ever wakes up, she will be in big trouble. Djed drives her back at home. A five-minute drive away. She hastily grabs her doughnut box, her mind still foggy.
”Do you need help to walk to your apartment?” He grins as she almost stumbles while exiting the car. Her legs are still throbbing from the orgasm he gave her.
She replies, ”Take that smile off. You’re still on thin ice. Good night,” smashing the car door before waving at him and disappearing inside the building.
****
It has been a month since their last fight. Probably their longest period without tumult. Dates, match nights, doughnuts delivered at the front door, sometimes Jamaican food, flowers, and rarely getaways in hotels. After all, she still lived with her mother, and creativity is mandatory to find valuable excuses. The name that poisoned their bond never appeared on his screen again or was mentioned. For once, she feels secure enough to let her guard down. Not completely, but enough to give them space to enjoy their moments.
Tonight is the type of night she wants to remember for the longest. The very first bond that united them in the first place solidifies their union today. Djed and her, shades on. Rapping to every single lyric of the famous Canadian rapper. The perfect companion for the occasion. This is probably what most people call cloud nine. Nothing else matters. Anyone could see them. She could not care less or stress out. Djed wraps his arms around her chest, earning a grin from her. Their eyes meet, and he leans in to rub their nose.
”I’m so grateful for the time with you, doughnut.”
”Yeah, me too, babe.” The peck is rapid but full of secret declarations and promises. Her heart feels light, almost floating in the air. Djed is her person. Nothing could change it. Their beginnings were rough, confusing and unpredictable. The present seems safer, more comfortable, easier and tender.
The crowd rushes through the exits. Djed and she do the same. Hands in hands walking outside of the VIP section that guaranteed a sense of privacy.
”Djed! I didn’t expect to see you here.” The woman says with great enthusiasm. The smile on her face illuminating the dark space. No need to stare. She could recognise the woman she has spent time looking at on Instagram and TikTok. The caramel-skinned woman wears a mini leather skirt, high-heeled boots and a denim jacket that barely contains her visible chest.
The more she stares at her, the more she feels the heat growing inside her body. How is she supposed to take it? Djed staying in contact with a woman that fits the stereotype of an Instagram baddie. One thing is sure: she will never really understand men. Kelly bats her lashes at Djed before frowning at her. Anger keeps growing, but for the sake of her pride, she will control herself.
”Hey, Kelly.” That small act flies out of the window when he places his arm around her waist. The atmosphere suddenly shifts. The sun vanishes. Things get cloudier until wind and small droplets of water completely cloud the sky.
”Oh! Is that who I think it is?” She questions, already knowing the answer. A fake smile plastered all over her face. No matter how hard she tries to intimidate her, she refuses to flinch. Her mother raised her better than that.
”In person, darling.”
Kelly gives a death glare before turning her attention back to Djed. ”You’re so handsome, love. I missed you.” The woman completely ignores her presence, treating her like dust in the air.
”Kelly. Can we stop pretending?”
”Pretending what? That you really like the bitch standing right next to you?”
He takes a step forward, the protective side of him jumping out. ”I’m not going to allow you to disrespect my girl.”
”Your girl? Since when? I had no idea you had a preference for bones.” Kelly and the girls laugh out loud, adding weight to what feels like a humiliation ritual.
”Shit, you always find a way to go lower than expected. Bones or not, I prefer mannerism, which is something you clearly don’t have.”
No matter how much she wants to crack a smile at his rebuttal, her body refuses. That situation should never have happened in the first place. He lied. Contrary to what he said, Djed never truly cut ties with Kelly.
”If she’s that good, why do you keep responding to my texts?”
Even turning around her face or body to face him feels unnecessary. All she wants to do right now is walk far away and go back home. Djed never mentioned her again, and her naive mind thought he brought closure to their relationship. God, how wrong she was. Djed feels her body tense and tightens his grip around her waist. She barely moves, ignoring the gesture that brought her comfort the entire night. Still, she resists giving Kelly that kind of satisfaction.
”I responded to ask you to leave me alone. Don’t try to turn the narrative around.”
Kelly takes one step forward, allowing her to stare at the round face. ”Is that why you never blocked me or keep opening the pictures I send you?” He lets out a loud sigh before gulping, his eyes avoiding her burning stare. She is saying the truth. If the ground could open up to engulf her, she would jump in. The belittling is what kills her.
”Djed, if you want her that bad, block me. As long as you’re still open, you’re my man. I don’t care. And you, stay away from my man, you horny little slut.”
He hardly gets time to open his mouth before she defends herself. “It’s not my fault if your dear man keeps coming back to me, you desperate male-orientated bitch.” Kelly moves forward again, both of them staring at one another like lions in a cage. Djed firmly comes between them to separate them. Still nothing seems to stop the torrent. Kelly’s friends start to curse her out loud, calling her all kinds of names under the sun. She does the same, insulting each one of them, reading them out, using words to cut deep like it is a rap battle. The trembles of her body, a mirror of her anger and disappointment.
One final sentence puts an end to the chaos. ”I’m not your man, Kelly. Never been and for sure never will be.”
It hits her like an unexpected slap in the face. Her surprise covered by a frown on her face. ”Oh really? Are we playing these games now? All of that because of your new whore?” The pitch of her voice causing people to turn around and observe the scene. Humiliation is one thing; embarrassment is another story. The type she will never entertain. Nothing in the world is worth going back and forth with that kind of individual. God, hold my heart as I walk away.
”There’s no need to play games, Kelly. He’s yours. All yours. Have him however you want.” She finally concludes and immediately walks away, leaving them stunned and confused. The sound of her heels clicking on the floor replaces the aggressive exchange that started taking place when she left. Although she wants to cry, there are no tears left inside of her. At least, not for Djed and his antics. One more time, he misled her, sold her a fantasy. She hates herself for even buying into it.
“Doughnut! Doughnut!” The pace of his feet quickly joins her own. Fear enveloping the pet name she secretly loves so much. He tries to touch her, but she loses it. With a swift and violent movement, she pushes his arm. As far as she could from her waist.
”You’re really a piece of shit, Djed. Women from nowhere are disrespecting me because of you. I love you blah blah… Fuck you! Is that how you treat people you care about? Look at the position you put me in… Your fling, link or whatever is trying to jump me because of you and your lack of honesty. I’m so done with you. I want nothing to do with you.”
”Please, let me explain to you. I swear, I haven’t done anything.”
A part of her wishes she could scream, but nothing. Only sharp whispers are coming out of her mouth. ”Why is she so confident calling you her man then? Why have you never blocked her? Why are you still looking at her pictures?”
”Don’t listen to her. She’s out of her fucking mind. I’m not her man, never been.”
Her eyes roll out of tiredness. Exhaustion from hearing one more lame excuse. ”Of course, she is. You’re never at fault, Djed. Go to hell, Djed. I don’t have time for any of this. I might not be that experienced, but I’m not stupid. You’re probably whispering the same sweet words in her ears. I’m done…done.”
“Doughnut, come on, listen to me. Please.”
"You have nothing worth listening to. Bye, Djed.” Walking away no matter how much it hurts. This is the path she chooses. Too many lies have slid, and she does not know what to believe anymore. Humiliation and embarrassment are an explosive cocktail she is not willing to taste all over again. Her heart aches, but she will be alright. She deserves more and better than a liar as a boyfriend.
Maybe her mother was right. Dating inside the church is the answer. At the moment, only God knows how she manages to walk and find her way home.
****
Soca and dancehall blasted in the small basement, creating a festive and joyful environment. Grinding, breaking it, shaking, whining, she displays every movement in your book. The rhythm of the music completely taking her away. Transporting her in another universe, far away from the sea of frustrations and disappointment. Beads of sweat form on her naked back and forehead as she dances like her life depended on it. The soles of her feet hurt, but nothing could compare to the pain she experienced two days ago.
Countless texts, calls on every app possible, e-mails, even PayPal with apologies and explanations. Nothing moved her. This time she is over it. The block button calls her. She hesitates but finally clicks. Peace over anything and everything. Handling her mother was complicated enough. Stratagems, cautious planning and blatant lies to get out of the house and experience the joy of carnival. The sweet taste of freedom, joy and festivities for a few hours. She could only pray no one from church or her family sees her.
She lost count of how many times her hips grind against a crotch since the music has caressed her eardrums. No matter how hard she pretends, deep inside her heart still longs for one person. The only one her hips actually wish to grind on. One of her cousins, Nila, notices. The type of cousin her mother would not recommend spending time with. As a result, they rarely spend time together. When they do, nothing deep expect engaging in what her mother would label as debauchery.
”Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah! Very happy to be there.“
“Good, because that boy you told me about isn’t worth your time.” Nila is right. She knows. Still, things are easier said than done. Due to her strict mother and her archaic Christian rules, she has barely developed meaningful friendships. That thought made her hate him even more. Djed knew that he was more than a lover. He was a friend, a confidant, the breath of fresh air she needed to escape her suffocating mother. Apparently knowing all these information did not stop him from disappointing her.
”He deserves absolutely nothing. Screw him and his bitch.” Her cousin had no idea of Djed's identity. Only a vague idea of their bond and his physical appearance. Things were better that way. The shadow of betrayal never seems too far. Nila is right, fuck Djed. She is in the middle of Notting Hill Carnival. A moment to live and enjoy. No time to think about a man who clearly did not care enough to care about her.
****
"Djed, is that your girl, bro?" He brushes his hand all over his face, leaning in to observe the phone screen. James was right. It was her shaking the round and plump behind nature gifted her. The glittery and metallic pink panties expose a plump bum. One he should be the only one seeing and touching. The sourness burns his throat. He expected anything else. Her moving her whining on another man in a bikini was not on the list.
His best friend asks in all seriousness, “So…” It’s over, over, bro?”
”No, it’s not. The only reason why it ended is Kelly, bro. She can never keep her mouth shut. We were doing fine before she almost jumped her at Drake’s concert.”
Wilson's eyes widen, expressing the gravity of the situation. ”Excuse me? Jumped her?”
He sighs out of annoyance before telling his friend the entire story. How a dream date turned into a nightmare that removed her from his life. Wilson’s mouth stays slightly open as he grasps the situation.
”Bro, she has every right to be mad at you! She almost got jumped because of you. I’d never talk to you again either, bro.”
”I think I get it, thanks. I messed up, big time. Still, it’s not a reason for her to behave that way… She could get caught… It’s unacceptable.”
“Do you really care about her getting caught, or are you just jealous?” Wilson is right. Deep inside he did not care much about her getting caught. What infuriates him are the images of that man grabbing her waist. A gesture only he should be able to do. The burn at the back of his throat intensifies as the pair keeps watching Nila’s Snapchat story. More videos and images of her shaking what God blessed her with. The white crochet dress barely helps. Djed tightened his fist around the device. He replays the same images at least five times before rising from the sofa.
Wilson questions, “Where are you going, bro?”
”Make sure my girl gets home safely. We never know.” Of course, that is a blatant lie. Partly. He does care about her safety, but getting the chance to see her again and explain himself mattered as much.
****
She rolls her eyes at the sound of Nila’s laughter. An exaggerated giggle for a very mediocre joke. Resolutely, 6’5, flawless dark skin and harmonious features do a lot. The fresh summer breeze hits her legs, adding to her annoyance. It never fails. The struggle to find a drive back home after a night out after Notting Hill Carnival. Contrary to Nila, she does not have the privilege of having an understanding mother. If something ever happens to them, she is in big trouble. God, please. Forgive me because I lied to my mother to engage in debauchery. Forgive me, holy father, but I need you to help me find a drive back home.
The second she finishes her prayer, a black Mercedes stops right in front of her. Evidently, God is trying to teach her a lesson. Anyone but him. Her heart drops in her chest when the window discreetly rolls down.
”Get in. You’re not getting a taxi or Uber anytime soon.”
”What in the world? Do you know all the taxis or Ubers in town? Wait… What are you even doing here?” The tone of her voice is barely controlled. Anger floods each syllable.
He stays calm and even finds the strength to smile at her. ”I was worried about you. Nila and Wilson are friends on Snapchat. I didn’t stalk you. I’m not crazy.”
”Worried about me or worried about another man getting my attention?” Her arms crossed against her white crochet dress, a sign of her reluctance to dialogue. ”You know what? It doesn’t even matter. I’m not getting inside your car.” Once again she controls the decibel of her voice. She refuses to alert anyone around them. Djed is still a public figure after all.
Nila interrupts their tense conversation. ”Oh my God, I thought we’d struggle more to find an Uber. God is really on our side tonight.” Before Nila reaches the handle, she blocks her hand with a brutal move.
”That’s not an Uber. We’re not getting in.”
She barely has time to explain anything before Nila is already looking through the slightly rolled-down window. Her eyes bugged out of shock. ”Oh my God! It cannot be who I think it is.” The grin on her face gets wider until she connects the dots. Her eyes going back and forth between Djed and her cousin.
”Wait, you’re dating a baller? Spurs? Come on, girl. Arsenal is right around the corner. You should’ve been more ambitious. Traitor!”
“I’m still here, and I can hear you, Nila.” Djed cuts her off, very unamused by her comments.
Nila nervously laughs. ”He knows my name. Of course, you had to talk about me. Anyway, is that the man you’re crying over? Block him. Girl, block him immediately. Ballers ain’t shit. Up to no good men. They deserve nothing. However, it could be better if you block him after he drives us home.”
”I’m not getting inside his car, Nila. Feel free to do so. I’m not.”
”Are you fucking crazy? Do you think I’d leave you out there waiting in the streets? It’s not safe. Get in! You’ll block him later. It’s a busy street. We’re not getting a ride back home anytime soon, and time is ticking. We have to be home in one hour before your mother calls the police.”
Nila is right. Waiting for an Uber could take hours at this point. It seems like the Hunger Games at the moment. She might hate Djed, but he is her only option at the moment. She lets out a loud groan before placing her hand on the handle. “Deal, but don’t you dare talk to me, Djed. I want the ride to be quiet.”
”Deal, doughnut. Get in! It’s getting cold too.”
“Doughnut?” Nila asks, interrupting the small moment.
”It’s none of your business. Just get in.” Nila shrugs and does so. Of course, entering that car means nothing to her. The complete opposite of her. The car in which they shared many laughs, conversations, jokes, snacks, kisses and heated moments. Her heart swells in her chest as she settles in the vehicle.
”You’re beautiful.”
”Quietness is what you promised. Drive us home.” She notices the hurt behind his pupils but chooses to ignore. Now is not the time to flinch. Nila gently caresses her shoulder as they drive away, a sympathetic smile covering her face. She probably would be in for an intense interrogatory and reprimands when they get home.
****
The black Mercedes parks right in front of the brown brick building. Djed held his promise. No words were pronounced. However, the music he was playing certainly played a role in replacing the sentences that were never said. Nila is the first one to break the ice.
”Thanks for bringing us home, Djed. You still ain’t shit tho.”
She warns, ”Nila.”
”What? He needs to know.”
His tone is firm. ”I know. I don’t need you to remind me. Thanks. Can we talk, doughnut? Please.”
”You don’t know a freaking thing. Go play with the other slut. I don’t even remember her name. By the way, tell her if she lays one hand on my cousin or tries anything similar next time. I’m going to turn her life into a living hell. That’s a promise. We’re not playing these games around here.”
”Nila! Let me handle this one, please. Wait for me inside. I’ll be there in five minutes.”
”Hum. You better not let him whisper sweet words into your ear.” Just like that, she exited the car, not without smashing the door. A heavy silence follows before he clears his throat.
”I’m sorry, doughnut. Terribly sorry. I messed up big time.”
She closes her eyes, refusing to let her emotions take the best of her. He will not see her cry, not today.
”I don’t care about your apologies. I want the truth. Are you in a relationship with her? Were you texting her and staring at her pics after we agreed on exclusivity in that same car, Djed?”
He lets out a loud and defeated sigh. By his posture, she knows he is about to confess. Her heart sinks even further, but she tries to save face. ”I want nothing but the truth.”
His tone is as heavy as his guilt. ”I may have liked a few lingerie pics she sent me and complimented her. Then we interacted for a few days, but I stopped it all because I truly cared about us.”
A frown appears on her face, then it turns into a nervous giggle. ”I’m so fucking stupid.”
”Don’t say that. It’s not your fault.”
“Yes, it is. You proved to me time and time again that you cannot be trusted, and I still choose to believe your lies. The same night we agreed on exclusivity, I blocked Khalil. He came to me at church, and I explained to him that I was seeing someone and it was serious. I did all of that only for you to keep contact with Kelly. I’m so naive.”
“Doughnut.”
”I gave you my heart, body and soul, Djed. You ruined them all… I guess this is what I get for fornicating.” Something breaks behind the veil of his eyes. Whether it is her thought process or his actions, she cannot tell.
“It’s…ridiculous.You know that. It has nothing to do with God punishing you. I was just stupid.” Tears roll down her face as she stares at the window, consciously avoiding Djed’s glistening eyes.
”Have you ever been in a relationship with her? Tell me the truth.”
”I’ve told you. I’m not lying. We’ve never been together. It was more of a situationship.” It does not even matter at this point. The first revelations were more than enough to break her heart into pieces. She wants to join her room to sob in peace. Somehow her body is unable to move.
”Was I not good enough for you, Djed?”
He immediately shakes his head with vigour. ”No, I swear. You’re everything and even more. I messed up big time, but I never lied when I said I love you.” The exact words she wishes he never pronounced again.
A deep breath to regulate her pain, and she finds strength to look at him in the eyes. ”It’s better if we…just…stay that way. I can’t do it anymore, Djed. I don’t think my heart can take another blow. On top of that I have to deal with my mother and stuff. I’m tired.”
“Doughnut… Please, just –” She cuts him off, one hand on the handle.
”Don’t make it harder, Djed. I’m begging you. Thanks for the ride. Have a great night.” Suddenly the cold air hits her face as she rapidly walks inside her building. Djed’s pleas and sad tone play on loop inside of her mind. Her body struggles still, but she finds a way to move forward. Nila observes her in silence, letting her deal with the obvious pain behind her eyes. The heavy breathing almost covers the loud mechanical sounds.
The second they exit the restricted space, she lets it all out. Nila gently wraps her arms around her in the empty corridor. ”Come on, let it go. I’ve been there. I know how it hurts.”
She sobs, tears flooding her eyes and burning her cheeks. ”Why would he do that to me? Was I not good enough? I trusted him… I just wanted to be with him. I loved him… I even gave him my virginity… Fuck! I’m so so so dumb. My mother was right. I should’ve listened to her and followed the words of God.”
“No, she’s not. At the end of the day, it’s better to follow your own mind and heart so you can live your own experience. If you had blindly followed your mother’s word, you’d probably resent her at some point. Think about it. Love can be painful, yeah. It’s still better to have loved than never trying tho.”
No words come out of her mouth. The pieces of her heart are too shattered to do so. Nila adds, ”Take this as an experience. It might sound generic, but learn from it so you’re not repeating the same mistakes. I’ve been there. It’s going to be all right, I promise… Dry your tears. We never know if your mother is still up.”
She does so before handing a blue plastic bag to Nila. ”Outfits! We’re in big trouble if she sees us dressed like that.”
”I mean, my mom wouldn’t care. You’d be grounded for life tho so yeah, let’s switch to our modest outfits.” She cracks a weak smile. On top of her heartbreak, she has to deal with an over-controlling mother. This is her reality. Sometimes, she envies Nila and her freedom. From Manchester to London, without her mother batting an eye. If that were her, she would never have been allowed to travel to another city alone. However, she is there, stuck in the two-bedroom apartment with her nervous Christian mother.
****
Two weeks later…
With trembling hands, she clicks on the only name that could bring her a source of comfort. Although she promised to leave him behind and never contact him again, there she is. Her heartbeat beating fast against her chest, prayers muttered under her breath while the beep slams her eardrum.
”Djed?” She finally whispers after hearing his voice. By the panic behind her tone, he notices something wrong. ”My mother… She had a heart attack. I had no one else to call.”
”I’m sorry, doughnut. Where are you? Give me an hour and I’ll join you.”
”Pick me up at the hospital. I’ll send you the address.”
”Fine, I’ll be there, doughnut.”
Promise held. An hour later, a black Mercedes stops at the front of the hospital. Without even checking, she gets in. Dark circles under the eyes witness her sleepless night. A loud sigh escapes as she sits down. Djed immediately sits down, the warmth of his arms bringing her the type of comfort she has been craving for days.
”We’re going back to my place. I can’t leave you alone.”
In his arms, she lets it go. Tears gradually turn into sobs. She missed him. Two weeks without him felt like months. He gently caresses her back, murmuring sweet encouraging words into her ears. “I’m here for you, doughnut. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
****
The apartment still feels familiar even after months. The sheets' fresh scent comforts her. The memories of her numerous nights on that bed extracted her from the present. The shared laughter, dreams, fears, silent confessions, touches, caresses, kisses and orgasms. She remembers it all, every single detail.
His voice immediately reminds her of the present and the stress that comes with it. ”Do you need anything? Are you sure you don’t want food?”
Her eyes are empty, puffy and reddened due to her continuous sobs. “I’m not hungry, Djed.” He sits by her side, secretly admiring how his t-shirt looks on her. Nothing sexual, simply appreciation for her natural beauty.
“You should at least drink water, doughnut.”
She refuses with a headshake. For the moment, her throat feels too tight, too restricted to let anything in. Djed understands and simply places a hand on her knee.
”What if she’s ill? She’s the only person I have left. I never knew my dad.”
”No, that’s cap. I’m here for you. You also have Nila.”
”She lives in Manchester, Djed.”
”It doesn’t change anything. I’m here for you, always will be.”
He opens his arms, and she finds comfort there for the third time of the night. In her misfortune, behind her tears, a part of her heart seems satisfied to be reunited with Djed again. She should not believe him, but at the moment it feels like a lifebelt in the middle of the sea. His grip tightened around her, their bodies perfectly fitting together on the king-sized bed.
”How about you pray for her? I’ll listen to you. Everything is going to be alright.” Different confessions, same purpose. Their most intimate act to this day but probably the most significant. Encouraged by his embrace, she closes her eyes and lets her heart speak for itself.
The vibrations of her phone force her out of a light and anxious sleep. It is the hospital. Her heart almost jumps out of her body as she accepts the call. Djed gently rubs her shoulders. A barely controlled anxiety in his touch. Both of them waiting for the sword of Damocles to either fall on her head or by her side. Prayers have worked. Her mother is alive and well.
*****
Life has a funny way of operating. Ever since her mother had that heart attack, Djed and she have been closer than ever. No more lies, no more pride or ego to stop their love. Both of them were serious about their bond. However, since that incident her mother became an even more fervent believer. Their relationship only downgraded from there. More scrutiny, more control, less freedom. No more secular music, more hours in church, more Bible studies. Unfortunately for her, love makes you believe you can fly. Therefore, she planned smarter for each escapade, each sneak-out to see the man her heart had chosen. Until that night happens, the type of night she wishes to only imagine at the back of her mind.
“How was Bible study tonight?” She clears her throat, an attempt to erase the fact she was too busy studying Djed’s body instead.
”Dynamic group, a bit more curious than usual.” With time she learns to lie without flinching.
”Hum. It’s very funny because Mrs James from our church sent me a picture of you and a man with dreadlocks. According to her, he is a professional football player. Djed, isn’t it?” Her body freezes before she even has the time to think about a rebuttal. She is quicker. Within seconds the smartphone is almost in her face. The picture is clear. Djed hugging her from behind. The mini leather skirt and matching jacket with a décolleté displaying her assets is the cherry on top.
”Are you some kind of escort? Is that why you’ve been going out so much these days? Blatantly committing sin after sin? How dare you use Bible study to justify your profession?” Her words cut sharp, reviving a pain she tried to bury during her teenage years. She will never be good enough for her mother.
”I’m not an escort.”
”Why are you dressed like one then? This isn’t what God wants for you. This isn’t how I raised you.” Silence settles in. Game over. “I trusted you to make the best decisions, and this is what you do. Dating some useless ballers… God save her lost soul, I beg. A Muslim on top of that. I’m not even angry, just very disappointed.”
Looking at the floor sounds better than directly facing the stare of disappointment. ”Did you have sex with him? By the way you were dressed, I assume so.” She simply looks down. There is no more point to lie. She is too exhausted for it anyway.
”Instead of opening the Bible, you’re out there opening your legs for a man that wouldn’t even attend your funeral if something happens tomorrow.” For the first time, she finds the strength to face her, to stand up for herself. The frown on her face fuels her anger. She has no right to judge Djed based on physical attributes or religious beliefs.
”He was the one there for me, always. Even when you were too absorbed by your bible to notice that I was depressed after Drea passed away. Was there when you were at hospital. Maybe I wouldn’t have to do that if you treated me with kindness, love and empathy. Instead, all you have done since Drea passed is treat that holy book like your child. It can never replace Drea.”
She only feels it. The hand on her cheek, the sting. A lump forms at the back of her throat, but she simply swallows it. No, her mother will not get that satisfaction of seeing her down or crying. She had endured way too much. She has enough. Maybe she went too far, but she does not care. It had to be said. No faith or holy book could fill the void Drea, her little sister, left behind.
”Don’t you ever talk to me like that ever again. A little whore isn’t going to tell me what to do or how to act under my roof.” She looks away, afraid that the fire behind her eyes would burn her own mother. As if what happened is not enough, she adds, “You have two days to break up with Djed. Say goodbye to him for good. If not, one phone call to the media and the world will deal with me.”
She furrows her eyebrows. ”What do you mean?”
”I will tell them how he manipulated and brainwashed you to have sex with you. Not very good for the first Muslim player in the England national team, right?” Her eyes widen out of shock. Never in her life did she think that her own mother could do such a thing.
”I… You can’t do that… He never did such a thing. I love him too. He never manipulated me or anything.”
”Sleep on it. Two days. After that, if you both insist, his name will be in the tabloids. You know how much they love a good story.”
”You can’t do that, Mom. He’s a Black player. You know how they treat him in the media here. It’s not fair… Djed worked hard to be where he’s at.”
”Let’s see how much you love him then.”
Once the bedroom slams, she slowly lets herself fall on the floor, sobbing like she never has before. Her body trembling under her sobs and heart jumps. Life is cruel. She just had found a balance with Djed. Sadly, she has to protect him. In no world will she let her mother do such a thing. It might mean leaving the love of her life behind, but his career, honour and integrity matter more than anything else. Sometimes, sincerely loving someone means leaving them behind to protect them.
****
”My mom knows. I cannot see you anymore.” The silence that follows is deafening. Djed tightly grips his wheel. His eyes looking for any signs or reactions from her.
”She called me a whore and other stuff. Anyway.”
”You’re not a whore. It’s ridiculous. She’s just trying to get inside your head.”
Her heart drops, but she has to break up. ”It doesn’t really matter, Djed. We can’t… You have to let me go.”
The young man furrows his eyebrows, anger slowly gaining him as his posture changes. He is more forward. The grip around the wheel tightened. ”So you’re going to let her dictate your life? No one should have that kind of power. You’re a human being, not some doll she can give orders to.”
”Djed, I choose my mother. We only have one mother. God commands you honour your parents. I don’t have the choice.” She barely believes what she says, but there is no other choice. The second he suspects anything, he will make things harder.
“Doughnut, are you serious right now?”
”Djed, come on. It was cute while it lasted, but it’s not like we were going to get married anyway. You’re a Muslim, and I’m Christian. Let’s live in our truth.” She sees the hurt behind his eyes. It was intentional. The only way to save faces and protect him.
A silent prayer: may God give her the strength to say goodbye. She could not risk his career. ”I’m sorry, Djed. If you really love me, never contact me again. Go live your life. Just know that somewhere in London, a young woman will always pray and secretly root for you. I hope you’ll find the strength to forgive me one day.”
He pleads, “Doughnut.”
It is too painful. Before he can even move his head to kiss her, she jumps out of the vehicle. Tears rolling down her face as she walks away from Djed. No last stare, nothing. From outside, she spots her mother smiling with a bible in her hand. It was the only way… Even if it cost the most beautiful thing that happened to her the last few years. May she pay for the pain she has caused and keeps causing, Lord.
Summary : Behind a smoke screen of lies, will their love be able to survive when life comes in to break that screen?
Warnings (+18) : angst, sprinkle of toxic relationship, toxic parenting, and a pinch SMUT - WK : 10.5k
A/N : I'm so happy to be able to share a new story with you. I hope you guys enjoy it the same I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for those who still support me despite my inconsistency. It was supposed to be a short story but if you know me, you know....Enjoy!
Writing takes a lot of time, if you enjoyed, please reblog, comment and interact. Don't be shy. That's why the anon button exists. English is not my first language.
Drake plays in the background as they both sit down in the car, jamming and humming to the rhythm of the music. After two weeks without interactions, they both need these simple moments to reconnect. A reason to once again justify their reunion despite the numerous tumultuous episodes. They point at each other when their favourite lyrics caress their ear. A sense of connection, a smoking mirror of intimacy.
Music is what brought them together in the first place and still does to this day. How could she ever forget the way they vibed together at Central Cee concert? The two of them perfectly sang the lyrics and danced to the rhythm of the music as if they had known each other their entire lives.
Djed was impressed, to say the least. Mesmerised by her raw and authentic energy. Before the event ended, she handed him her phone number on demand. The harmonious face features, locs and vibrant energy were enough to make her capitulate. Although she was clearly attracted to the man, she refused to put too much thought into it. If he calls back, good. If he does not, his loss. Djed texted her the same night. ”Did you make it home safely? It’s Djed! We met at the concert.”
The beginning of a roller coaster ride – she just did not know it back then. How could she? Google research should have stopped her. What did she expect from an athlete? Somehow she managed to convince herself that he is discreet. Contrary to his peers, he is rarely, if ever, on gossip pages. He seems religious, chill, and fun to be around. Everything seemed easy. Way too easy. Then reality hit. The first looping happened. A random girl that looked nothing like her sending her threats. Leave Djed alone. He’s mine, you ugly-ass bitch.
She confronted him. He denied, wrapping his lies in honey topped up with sprinkles of promises.
”So you don’t know her?”
”No, babe. You have my word. You’re the only one on my mind.”
Lies. Lies. Lies. Weirdly, she enjoyed the way they sounded. Coated in love confessions and promises.
The text message lights up the cardboard. It is clear. The name at the centre of their numerous disputes appeared on the screen once again. ”When are you coming over? I miss you, D❤️”
Djed rapidly grabs the phone as if it could delete what just happened. He feels her burning eyes on him but chooses to watch her building facade. The lyrics they were singing minutes ago suddenly feel like a slap in the face. The reminder of her reality. One where Djed might be lying to her, playing in her face like a kid playing marbles in the playground. Her throat burns, the rage piling up at the pit of her stomach.
”Are you kidding me? You’re back on your shit again?”
”She probably made a mistake. I haven't been in contact with her for weeks.”
”Yeah, it’s never your fault. Of course. You know what? I’m not even going to bother tonight. I’m out.” With that, she exits the car, rearranging her tiny leather skirt in the process. The one she purposefully chose for him. The car door slams, followed by his footsteps. She can feel his presence behind her but plays deaf. The house keys have never been that out of reach, even in her mini designer bag he gifted her last month. Djed keeps repeating her name like the chorus of a pop song. She ignores. Her fingers bump against every corner of her bag until she feels the hard steel.
He is so close that his cologne invades her senses. As she prepares to open the main door, Djed pushes the door. His movement is not aggressive, just perfectly firm.
”If you ignore me, it’s very simple. I’m going to ring that door until your mother opens it so I can introduce myself to her.” She pauses, breathing out loud to regulate the boiling blood in her system. He knows that her mother would disinherit her if she ever learn about their relationship. If she could even put a name on it. Anger slowly rises as she quietly observes him. The more she stares, the more she feels like throwing her keys in his face.
Her voice is barely a whisper when she responds, ”I dare you to, Djed.”
“I’m pretty sure she’ll be disappointed to hear that her perfect Christian daughter is messing around with a Muslim. That she’s lying about lecturing teenagers to see me.” Her eyes express all the rage she cannot voice out without waking up the entire neighbourhood.
”You don’t want her to know that you’re not only getting on your knees to pray.”
”Go to hell, Djed. You’re not the only one who can play this game. One interview is all it takes to destroy that pure image of the Muslim boy. Like that, both of our families are going to be very disappointed.”
The tension heightens when she retaliates. Both of them leaning on the main door, the distance between their faces is ridiculous. She feels his hot breath on her when he leans in, his mouth timidly kissing her ear.
”I won’t mind, babe. At least, we’ll rely on each other.” She wants to push him. Scream how much she hates him. In her head this is what she does. Reality is quite the opposite. She simply stands there, allowing his kisses to poison her mind. That scene feels like watching the same telenovela all over again. Djed gets bolder. His fingers gently grab her chin, tenderly closing the small gap between their faces.
The text message replays on loop in her head. Today, something irritates her more than before. With a firm gesture, she rests her finger on his lips, refraining him from kissing her. She ignores her body begging for love and attention. Imploring to be touched, caressed and appreciated like it used to near Djed.
”I should get inside.” She dryly cuts the conversation. Bombarding him with questions about that girl never worked before. Why would it suddenly change tonight? She is no longer that gullible girl he met at the beginning of their illusion of a relationship.
”Oh, and this is how you say goodbye?”
”Yeah. I’m pretty sure you can get kisses and hugs from Kelly. Apparently mine aren’t enough anyway.” She concludes, her body rapidly moving away from him as she joins her building. End of the conversation. Tonight, she refuses to engage in the same circle.
”Babe. Babe. Babe.” She ignores the number of times he repeated that word. Could have been fifty, could have been a hundred. It is none of her business. The second she crosses the entrance of her building, Djed becomes a second thought. After all, she has an image to maintain at home. As per usual, the seconds in the elevator feel like hours. Fifth floor, a rapid and precise glance just in case. No one, nothing to worry about. Only after that, she opens the small trapdoor.
From now on, it is purely routine. The vibrations of her phone remind her to put it on do not disturb. She is not taking any risks. Her fingers dig every corner, ignoring the dust that stays on her skin until she finds the blue plastic bag. One of her biggest secrets. The plastic that often contained two parts of her identity: the parent-friendly one and the other. The sounds coming from the several apartments are not sufficient to stress her out. She is on a mission: looking like the stereotypical church girl. Which means no heels, mini skirts, décolleté, wigs or makeup.
If phones could speak, they would probably gossip about her. Having a blast, highlighting how ridiculous she looks, removing her makeup in front of her phone screen and going back to modest clothes. Once the mission is accomplished, another behind the door waits for her.
The simple click of the door probably alerts her. She is right. The middle-aged woman she calls 'mother', calmly sitting on the sofa. By the way, she longingly inspects her frame; questioning is right around the corner.
”You’re coming home pretty late from that lecture.” She remarks, her eyes glancing at the holy book in her hands. Lecture? More like reading through Djed’s nonsense.
”Mom, come on. You know teenagers. They had one hundred questions.”
”What intrigued them today?” Not the reply she expected but she has to roll with it.
”We talked about too many topics. It would probably take me all night long to summarise everything… All I crave is a good night of sleep.”
Her mother nods, the braids on her head following her head movement. She finally smiles at her. The type of gesture that rarely ever fails to make her guilty. However, it is the only way. The concept of dating would go over her mother’s head. Life is made to be explored, and she is not intending to miss out on anything.
”Good night, sweetheart.”
”Good night, Mom.” Without adding another word, she vanishes to her bedroom. That act is exhausting, but as she explained earlier, she needs to live her own life and protect herself. All of that by cautiously avoiding conflict with her mother.
With a loud sigh, she throws her bathrobe on before falling onto her single bed. Like 80% of people, she casts a glance at her notifications and removes DND. Texts and missed calls flooded in within minutes, all of them from the same man: Djed. Any other day, she would have taken time to read and respond, but not tonight. Today is all about peace. If Djed wants to play stupid with Kelly, she will act accordingly.
*****
Three days later…
Djed never stopped calling, texting or even bombarding her on Instagram. She misses him. Saying otherwise would be a blatant lie. Nevertheless, this time she barely has the energy to engage in another back and forth with him. She already gave too much. So much so, she has nothing left in stock. She is too exhausted to pursue or even pretend.
For the past days, her attention has been on this guy at her church. The one she plays the piano with. They have been interacting through texts, and she enjoys their conversations thus far. No inappropriate word, touch or gesture. A real gentleman. Even if she must admits, he is not as funny as Djed can be.
She aimlessly scrolls on Instagram, looking for anything that could put her mind on pause. Stopping her mind from wondering why on earth Djed is always talking to that woman. As long as he is not honest about their situation, she will not talk to him.
Speaking of the devil, there he is, calling her phone for the tenth time of the day. Like she has been doing for days, she declines. Her mind already knows he will try again. Wrong assumption. The next text forces her out of bed. ”I’m downstairs, doughnut. Come over.”
She cautiously walks to the window to check by herself. This is not a lie. His black Mercedes catches her attention. At that moment, the burning fire revives. The same one she tried to tame for the past week, an explosive mix of anger, sadness and confusion.
Her fingers type as she tries to calm her hot breath. ”Fuck you. I’m not coming.” Before she could think, a loud groan slipped from her lips. He always finds a way to come back to her. His audacity is very impressive, she must admit. Another text. Less than thirty seconds after she sent hers.
”It wasn’t a request. Come downstairs, or I’ll start honking and wake the entire neighbourhood up, including your mom.” Jumping from the window sounds more appealing than her mother finding out about her secret life.
With an extreme eye roll, she wraps herself in a pink bathrobe, puts her pink furry slippers on to fight the small fall breeze and discreetly heads outside of the house. With each step, she prays her mother does not wake up. What kind of excuses could she give for going outside the house at such hours? Way past midnight.
The fresh wind hits her face and naked legs, but she keeps walking, led by curiosity or hope. She cannot tell. After double-checking her environment, she gets into the black car. There he is, dressed in a cream tracksuit, white sneakers and a black cap. Of course, he had to be even finer than she could recall. Djed immediately leans in to kiss her cheek. She barely moves, completely ignoring him.
”I missed you, doughnut.”
”Don’t even try it, Djed. It’s not going to work this time.” He drives further to ensure their privacy. Somewhere near a park where no one could see them. A place where no one could spread rumours to her mother. The car stops, and he pulls out a white box. One she can recognise among many.
”I brought your favourite pastries. I’ve stayed in line for an hour just to get these doughnuts for you.” She opened the box, revealing the crème brûlée doughnuts she loves so much. The attention is cute. Still not enough for her to forget about Kelly. The pending shadow over their supposed relationship or whatever. Nothing official except dates, feelings, great sex and a sprinkle of jealousy coming from both sides.
”Am I supposed to forgive you because you brought food? Really, Djed? You’ve been spending way too much time watching those old-school video clips.”
He barely contains his amusement. ”For my defence, they never bring food. Only flowers, necklaces and stuff.” Under other circumstances, she would have laughed. Yet there is nothing to giggle about. Nothing about their situation is funny. The grin on his face rapidly vanishes when he notices her dark stare.
”What I mean is…” He pauses, his fingers playing with the fabrics of his joggers. ”I just thought you’d be happy. I like seeing you smile.”
She rolls her eyes in response, her eyes stealing a glance at the window. ”I’d be happier if you were good to me. And mostly honest.”
Djed groans after rubbing his eyes. ”I’m honest. Kelly isn’t my girl. We’ve been talking, flirting and intimate, but it was at the very start of our story.”
”Why is she always texting and calling you then? If you were really done, you wouldn’t be out there entertaining her. It makes no sense.”
”It makes absolute sense. We already had that conversation last month. Should I remind you what you told me?” He stares at her, looking for a reaction. Instead, she keeps looking at the fancy buildings near them. Her arms cross as she realises how uncomfortable that conversation is turning.
”You told me for now you prefer to see where it goes. You’re not ready. I respect that, but you’re not going to get exclusivity without giving anything in return. This isn’t how it works.”
”I’ve said that because of that exact reason. If you’re always out there talking to somebody else, why would I decide to be exclusive with you? I refuse to be in the middle of a love triangle.” Her tone is cutting, accusatory.
”Oh, come on, man. You’re not even honest. How can you talk about Kelly when you’re talking to that fucking guy at church? Now who’s telling me you’re not talking to more men?”
Something gets her attention, forcing her to look at him in the eyes. They never talked about Khalil together. She can also swear on her own life that he never caught a text message or anything. Which leaves the door open only for one option. The silence in the car speaks for itself. The tension is at its peak.
The words finally come out. The decibels increasing in the small space. ”You’ve been stalking me? Are you out of your fucking mind?”
”I needed to make sure you’re good. You were ignoring me.” No smile on his face, only that small spark in his eyes as if he had accomplished something respectable.
”It still doesn’t give you the right to fucking stalk me, Djed.” The tone of her voice keeps rising as she realises what is actually happening.
”I don’t like the idea of you talking to other guys. You’re supposed to be mine.”
“Supposed to be – you said it yourself.” She pauses before pursing, ”I’ll never be yours as long as you keep messing around with that other girl, Djed. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
In the calmest timbre, he says, ”You haven’t denied anything. I assume you’re talking to him.” One more frustration to add on her list. He does not even seem to care about stalking her.
"Is that all you care about, Djed? Really? You’ve literally stalked me.”
He nervously laughs. His hands resting on his knees as he explains, ”It’s not stalking. I didn’t spend my entire day following you. I just went to your church to make sure you were attending. At first, I was happy to see you then that cunt appeared out of nowhere to whisper something in your ear. So yeah, I came back the next day to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting anything. And I wasn’t.”
By the time he finished his rent, she could feel the jealousy overflowing. The resentment in his voice. Although communication and maturity are advised, a part of her enjoys that situation. Mirror effect. Time to go through what he put her through.
”As long as you’re not honest about what’s going on between you and that girl, I’m not saying anything.” This is her time to grin.
The tension lightly decreases as he gently takes her hand. ”You’re making me go insane. She’s not my girlfriend. I’ve already told you. We had sex twice. That’s all.”
”Why don’t I believe that? She’s a nobody for you, but she’s always in your phone. You’re still fucking her; just be honest.”
”I’m honest. You’re overthinking.”
”No, I’m not. Don’t even try to gaslight me. You’re out there giving me all the reasons in the world to doubt. It’s all your fault, Djed.”
”How can you be mad at me when you’re talking to another guy? You’re a hypocrite. I’ve seen how you were sitting close to him, how his arm wrapped around your shoulders. I swear if you keep pushing me, I’ll spill everything about you at your church.”
”Spill what? That we’re speaking and learning piano together? Wow. Nobody fucking cares because we’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not a sin to talk to a man.”
”Flirting is.”
”Oh, really? I hope you keep the same energy next time we’re fucking because fornication is a sin too. Fucking clown. Committing every sin under the sun except eating pork doesn’t make you a good Muslim, Djed.”
“I’m not stealing or drinking alcohol, and I haven’t killed anyone yet.” She furrows her eyebrows. “Might kill whoever you’re speaking to at church tho.”
"Stop acting gangsta, you can barely fight. Calm the fuck down. Anyway, are we done? Because sleep sounds way more appealing than whatever you’re spewing.” Her hand rests on the handle, ready to exit at any time. He places a hand on her shoulder, another attempt to connect.
”I was joking. You need to relax, doughnut.”
She loses patience once again. ”How do you want me to relax when you’re stressing me out?”
”What do you want me to say? Kelly isn’t my girl. We’re just talking.”
The anger she tried to contain for so long finally escapes. She is now almost screaming in the car with dramatic hand gestures. She wants him for herself and herself only.
”How do I know you’re not doing more than talking? Djed, we had an agreement… I swear on my life if you sleep with me and her at the same time… Pause. Why are you even talking to her? What are the reasons? I thought I was the one you wanted to be with. See? Only lies come out of that mouth… Am I supposed to fight or compete with her to be your girl? If that’s what you expect from me, I gladly suggest you go fuck yourself.”
Before she could open the door, he pressed the button, locking them up inside the restricted space. She forces the handle as if it could change anything. He interrupts the short silence with a composed voice, ”No need to fight, doughnut. My heart already belongs to you. Except for my sister, you’re the only person I could spend an hour in line for, just for doughnuts.”
This time she cracks a weak smile. Although she hates herself for it. The attention is more than cute and very thoughtful. Yet, boundaries need to be set. “Good, because the heart isn’t all I want. I want your body to belong to me too. It means you stop talking to her and I stop talking to Khalil. Now if you lie to my face… We’re done, and I’m not playing this time.”
Djed leans closer, closing the small distance between them. He whispers ”deal” with a proud grin on his face. The contact of his fingers on her cheek extended that timid grin on her face. Her heart melted at that gesture and that look. Him gazing at her as if she is the most beautiful creation he has ever seen.
”There she goes. My doughnut with the prettiest smile.”
”Stop calling me like that. Anyway, I should go back before my mom wakes up. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
”Wait… Five more minutes, please.” He pleads with that tone which makes her heart melt. ”I haven’t seen you for days. Come on.”
“Five, not one more.” She barely had time to finish her sentence that captures her lips like a starved man. Slowly, whatever they went through for the past weeks goes to the very back of her mind. There is no way she can think when his lips move that sensually and slowly against hers.
”Djed.” She moans when they split. Their eyes expressing a desire they cannot materialise tonight. This is what she thought until she felt his hand slowly but meticulously finding its way under the bathrobe.
She repeats his name like a secret spell. ”Djed.” His eyes are still fixating on her as he pushes her panties to the side.
”Stop me. Tell me to stop, doughnut.” Instead, she bites her lips. The reality is that she does not want him to stop. She wants it. She has been craving it for a few days now. Their surroundings slowly fade away as she focuses on the precision of his movements. Her head falling back on the headrest, eyes closing at the repetitive contact of the tip of his finger against her swollen bud.
”Ah! Dj..ed.”
They just getting started that the fire at the pit of her stomach already threatened to burn everything in its way. She gently tries to grab his wrist in vain. Nothing will stop him from pleasing her. The brown of eyes plunging into hers like his fingers slipping past her warm and wet walls. She squirms on the chair, spreading her legs wider for better access.
”Hear how wet you are? Still going to deny that you didn’t miss me?” Words simply stayed stuck in her throat as the pace of his movement intensified, making the sloppiest sound in the car. At the moment, only moans make it past her lips. Her eyes closing each time he touches that spot. The one that often sent her over the edge.
”Say it’s mine.” He grabs her cheeks with his free hand, forcing their eyes to meet again. Moans keep falling from her open mouth like pleas. Djed leans and captures her lips, aggressively almost claiming her mouth. Her wetness coating his fingers and seat. None of them cared.
Tears gather at the corner of her eyes as he pushes his digits further. The movement of his fingers is torturously slow, rubbing against all her sensitive spots, just how she likes. She grabs his wrist, as if it could stop him from doing whatever he is doing.
”Say it.”
She surrenders. “It’s…yours…Fucking…Yours.”
”Good girl.” Her body breaks, crumbling under the pleasure. He never stops as she wets the seat and her bathrobe, her juices disrespectfully covering these surfaces.
”Djed. Fuck.”
He keeps going as if he wants to break her. His fingers rubbing continuously on that same spongy spot. Their locked eyes intensified the moment just like his hand on her cheeks. ”Are you coming to the stadium this weekend?” He knows exactly what he is doing.
”Djed…I…shit.”
He slows down, leaving her no other choice than agreeing. There is no way she could go back home with that fire in between her legs. ”You get to cum depending on your response, beautiful.”
One more time, she completely gives herself to him. ”Yes, yes, yes, I’m coming.”
”You’re so good to me, beautiful.” He claims her lips again, turning down the volume of her moans with his mouth. Just like that, he felt her walls clenching around him for the second time of the night. They split, and he licks his wet digits before wiping the rest on his joggers.
”You’re so fucking nasty, Djed.”
”Oh, come on. You weren’t complaining two minutes ago.” He checks his phone, a grimace taking over. ”You should go back home. I don’t want to get you in trouble. I wish I had more time to make you feel good.”
Now everything comes back to her. She is outside in the middle of the night. If her mother ever wakes up, she will be in big trouble. Djed drives her back at home. A five-minute drive away. She hastily grabs her doughnut box, her mind still foggy.
”Do you need help to walk to your apartment?” He grins as she almost stumbles while exiting the car. Her legs are still throbbing from the orgasm he gave her.
She replies, ”Take that smile off. You’re still on thin ice. Good night,” smashing the car door before waving at him and disappearing inside the building.
****
It has been a month since their last fight. Probably their longest period without tumult. Dates, match nights, doughnuts delivered at the front door, sometimes Jamaican food, flowers, and rarely getaways in hotels. After all, she still lived with her mother, and creativity is mandatory to find valuable excuses. The name that poisoned their bond never appeared on his screen again or was mentioned. For once, she feels secure enough to let her guard down. Not completely, but enough to give them space to enjoy their moments.
Tonight is the type of night she wants to remember for the longest. The very first bond that united them in the first place solidifies their union today. Djed and her, shades on. Rapping to every single lyric of the famous Canadian rapper. The perfect companion for the occasion. This is probably what most people call cloud nine. Nothing else matters. Anyone could see them. She could not care less or stress out. Djed wraps his arms around her chest, earning a grin from her. Their eyes meet, and he leans in to rub their nose.
”I’m so grateful for the time with you, doughnut.”
”Yeah, me too, babe.” The peck is rapid but full of secret declarations and promises. Her heart feels light, almost floating in the air. Djed is her person. Nothing could change it. Their beginnings were rough, confusing and unpredictable. The present seems safer, more comfortable, easier and tender.
The crowd rushes through the exits. Djed and she do the same. Hands in hands walking outside of the VIP section that guaranteed a sense of privacy.
”Djed! I didn’t expect to see you here.” The woman says with great enthusiasm. The smile on her face illuminating the dark space. No need to stare. She could recognise the woman she has spent time looking at on Instagram and TikTok. The caramel-skinned woman wears a mini leather skirt, high-heeled boots and a denim jacket that barely contains her visible chest.
The more she stares at her, the more she feels the heat growing inside her body. How is she supposed to take it? Djed staying in contact with a woman that fits the stereotype of an Instagram baddie. One thing is sure: she will never really understand men. Kelly bats her lashes at Djed before frowning at her. Anger keeps growing, but for the sake of her pride, she will control herself.
”Hey, Kelly.” That small act flies out of the window when he places his arm around her waist. The atmosphere suddenly shifts. The sun vanishes. Things get cloudier until wind and small droplets of water completely cloud the sky.
”Oh! Is that who I think it is?” She questions, already knowing the answer. A fake smile plastered all over her face. No matter how hard she tries to intimidate her, she refuses to flinch. Her mother raised her better than that.
”In person, darling.”
Kelly gives a death glare before turning her attention back to Djed. ”You’re so handsome, love. I missed you.” The woman completely ignores her presence, treating her like dust in the air.
”Kelly. Can we stop pretending?”
”Pretending what? That you really like the bitch standing right next to you?”
He takes a step forward, the protective side of him jumping out. ”I’m not going to allow you to disrespect my girl.”
”Your girl? Since when? I had no idea you had a preference for bones.” Kelly and the girls laugh out loud, adding weight to what feels like a humiliation ritual.
”Shit, you always find a way to go lower than expected. Bones or not, I prefer mannerism, which is something you clearly don’t have.”
No matter how much she wants to crack a smile at his rebuttal, her body refuses. That situation should never have happened in the first place. He lied. Contrary to what he said, Djed never truly cut ties with Kelly.
”If she’s that good, why do you keep responding to my texts?”
Even turning around her face or body to face him feels unnecessary. All she wants to do right now is walk far away and go back home. Djed never mentioned her again, and her naive mind thought he brought closure to their relationship. God, how wrong she was. Djed feels her body tense and tightens his grip around her waist. She barely moves, ignoring the gesture that brought her comfort the entire night. Still, she resists giving Kelly that kind of satisfaction.
”I responded to ask you to leave me alone. Don’t try to turn the narrative around.”
Kelly takes one step forward, allowing her to stare at the round face. ”Is that why you never blocked me or keep opening the pictures I send you?” He lets out a loud sigh before gulping, his eyes avoiding her burning stare. She is saying the truth. If the ground could open up to engulf her, she would jump in. The belittling is what kills her.
”Djed, if you want her that bad, block me. As long as you’re still open, you’re my man. I don’t care. And you, stay away from my man, you horny little slut.”
He hardly gets time to open his mouth before she defends herself. “It’s not my fault if your dear man keeps coming back to me, you desperate male-orientated bitch.” Kelly moves forward again, both of them staring at one another like lions in a cage. Djed firmly comes between them to separate them. Still nothing seems to stop the torrent. Kelly’s friends start to curse her out loud, calling her all kinds of names under the sun. She does the same, insulting each one of them, reading them out, using words to cut deep like it is a rap battle. The trembles of her body, a mirror of her anger and disappointment.
One final sentence puts an end to the chaos. ”I’m not your man, Kelly. Never been and for sure never will be.”
It hits her like an unexpected slap in the face. Her surprise covered by a frown on her face. ”Oh really? Are we playing these games now? All of that because of your new whore?” The pitch of her voice causing people to turn around and observe the scene. Humiliation is one thing; embarrassment is another story. The type she will never entertain. Nothing in the world is worth going back and forth with that kind of individual. God, hold my heart as I walk away.
”There’s no need to play games, Kelly. He’s yours. All yours. Have him however you want.” She finally concludes and immediately walks away, leaving them stunned and confused. The sound of her heels clicking on the floor replaces the aggressive exchange that started taking place when she left. Although she wants to cry, there are no tears left inside of her. At least, not for Djed and his antics. One more time, he misled her, sold her a fantasy. She hates herself for even buying into it.
“Doughnut! Doughnut!” The pace of his feet quickly joins her own. Fear enveloping the pet name she secretly loves so much. He tries to touch her, but she loses it. With a swift and violent movement, she pushes his arm. As far as she could from her waist.
”You’re really a piece of shit, Djed. Women from nowhere are disrespecting me because of you. I love you blah blah… Fuck you! Is that how you treat people you care about? Look at the position you put me in… Your fling, link or whatever is trying to jump me because of you and your lack of honesty. I’m so done with you. I want nothing to do with you.”
”Please, let me explain to you. I swear, I haven’t done anything.”
A part of her wishes she could scream, but nothing. Only sharp whispers are coming out of her mouth. ”Why is she so confident calling you her man then? Why have you never blocked her? Why are you still looking at her pictures?”
”Don’t listen to her. She’s out of her fucking mind. I’m not her man, never been.”
Her eyes roll out of tiredness. Exhaustion from hearing one more lame excuse. ”Of course, she is. You’re never at fault, Djed. Go to hell, Djed. I don’t have time for any of this. I might not be that experienced, but I’m not stupid. You’re probably whispering the same sweet words in her ears. I’m done…done.”
“Doughnut, come on, listen to me. Please.”
"You have nothing worth listening to. Bye, Djed.” Walking away no matter how much it hurts. This is the path she chooses. Too many lies have slid, and she does not know what to believe anymore. Humiliation and embarrassment are an explosive cocktail she is not willing to taste all over again. Her heart aches, but she will be alright. She deserves more and better than a liar as a boyfriend.
Maybe her mother was right. Dating inside the church is the answer. At the moment, only God knows how she manages to walk and find her way home.
****
Soca and dancehall blasted in the small basement, creating a festive and joyful environment. Grinding, breaking it, shaking, whining, she displays every movement in your book. The rhythm of the music completely taking her away. Transporting her in another universe, far away from the sea of frustrations and disappointment. Beads of sweat form on her naked back and forehead as she dances like her life depended on it. The soles of her feet hurt, but nothing could compare to the pain she experienced two days ago.
Countless texts, calls on every app possible, e-mails, even PayPal with apologies and explanations. Nothing moved her. This time she is over it. The block button calls her. She hesitates but finally clicks. Peace over anything and everything. Handling her mother was complicated enough. Stratagems, cautious planning and blatant lies to get out of the house and experience the joy of carnival. The sweet taste of freedom, joy and festivities for a few hours. She could only pray no one from church or her family sees her.
She lost count of how many times her hips grind against a crotch since the music has caressed her eardrums. No matter how hard she pretends, deep inside her heart still longs for one person. The only one her hips actually wish to grind on. One of her cousins, Nila, notices. The type of cousin her mother would not recommend spending time with. As a result, they rarely spend time together. When they do, nothing deep expect engaging in what her mother would label as debauchery.
”Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah! Very happy to be there.“
“Good, because that boy you told me about isn’t worth your time.” Nila is right. She knows. Still, things are easier said than done. Due to her strict mother and her archaic Christian rules, she has barely developed meaningful friendships. That thought made her hate him even more. Djed knew that he was more than a lover. He was a friend, a confidant, the breath of fresh air she needed to escape her suffocating mother. Apparently knowing all these information did not stop him from disappointing her.
”He deserves absolutely nothing. Screw him and his bitch.” Her cousin had no idea of Djed's identity. Only a vague idea of their bond and his physical appearance. Things were better that way. The shadow of betrayal never seems too far. Nila is right, fuck Djed. She is in the middle of Notting Hill Carnival. A moment to live and enjoy. No time to think about a man who clearly did not care enough to care about her.
****
"Djed, is that your girl, bro?" He brushes his hand all over his face, leaning in to observe the phone screen. James was right. It was her shaking the round and plump behind nature gifted her. The glittery and metallic pink panties expose a plump bum. One he should be the only one seeing and touching. The sourness burns his throat. He expected anything else. Her moving her whining on another man in a bikini was not on the list.
His best friend asks in all seriousness, “So…” It’s over, over, bro?”
”No, it’s not. The only reason why it ended is Kelly, bro. She can never keep her mouth shut. We were doing fine before she almost jumped her at Drake’s concert.”
Wilson's eyes widen, expressing the gravity of the situation. ”Excuse me? Jumped her?”
He sighs out of annoyance before telling his friend the entire story. How a dream date turned into a nightmare that removed her from his life. Wilson’s mouth stays slightly open as he grasps the situation.
”Bro, she has every right to be mad at you! She almost got jumped because of you. I’d never talk to you again either, bro.”
”I think I get it, thanks. I messed up, big time. Still, it’s not a reason for her to behave that way… She could get caught… It’s unacceptable.”
“Do you really care about her getting caught, or are you just jealous?” Wilson is right. Deep inside he did not care much about her getting caught. What infuriates him are the images of that man grabbing her waist. A gesture only he should be able to do. The burn at the back of his throat intensifies as the pair keeps watching Nila’s Snapchat story. More videos and images of her shaking what God blessed her with. The white crochet dress barely helps. Djed tightened his fist around the device. He replays the same images at least five times before rising from the sofa.
Wilson questions, “Where are you going, bro?”
”Make sure my girl gets home safely. We never know.” Of course, that is a blatant lie. Partly. He does care about her safety, but getting the chance to see her again and explain himself mattered as much.
****
She rolls her eyes at the sound of Nila’s laughter. An exaggerated giggle for a very mediocre joke. Resolutely, 6’5, flawless dark skin and harmonious features do a lot. The fresh summer breeze hits her legs, adding to her annoyance. It never fails. The struggle to find a drive back home after a night out after Notting Hill Carnival. Contrary to Nila, she does not have the privilege of having an understanding mother. If something ever happens to them, she is in big trouble. God, please. Forgive me because I lied to my mother to engage in debauchery. Forgive me, holy father, but I need you to help me find a drive back home.
The second she finishes her prayer, a black Mercedes stops right in front of her. Evidently, God is trying to teach her a lesson. Anyone but him. Her heart drops in her chest when the window discreetly rolls down.
”Get in. You’re not getting a taxi or Uber anytime soon.”
”What in the world? Do you know all the taxis or Ubers in town? Wait… What are you even doing here?” The tone of her voice is barely controlled. Anger floods each syllable.
He stays calm and even finds the strength to smile at her. ”I was worried about you. Nila and Wilson are friends on Snapchat. I didn’t stalk you. I’m not crazy.”
”Worried about me or worried about another man getting my attention?” Her arms crossed against her white crochet dress, a sign of her reluctance to dialogue. ”You know what? It doesn’t even matter. I’m not getting inside your car.” Once again she controls the decibel of her voice. She refuses to alert anyone around them. Djed is still a public figure after all.
Nila interrupts their tense conversation. ”Oh my God, I thought we’d struggle more to find an Uber. God is really on our side tonight.” Before Nila reaches the handle, she blocks her hand with a brutal move.
”That’s not an Uber. We’re not getting in.”
She barely has time to explain anything before Nila is already looking through the slightly rolled-down window. Her eyes bugged out of shock. ”Oh my God! It cannot be who I think it is.” The grin on her face gets wider until she connects the dots. Her eyes going back and forth between Djed and her cousin.
”Wait, you’re dating a baller? Spurs? Come on, girl. Arsenal is right around the corner. You should’ve been more ambitious. Traitor!”
“I’m still here, and I can hear you, Nila.” Djed cuts her off, very unamused by her comments.
Nila nervously laughs. ”He knows my name. Of course, you had to talk about me. Anyway, is that the man you’re crying over? Block him. Girl, block him immediately. Ballers ain’t shit. Up to no good men. They deserve nothing. However, it could be better if you block him after he drives us home.”
”I’m not getting inside his car, Nila. Feel free to do so. I’m not.”
”Are you fucking crazy? Do you think I’d leave you out there waiting in the streets? It’s not safe. Get in! You’ll block him later. It’s a busy street. We’re not getting a ride back home anytime soon, and time is ticking. We have to be home in one hour before your mother calls the police.”
Nila is right. Waiting for an Uber could take hours at this point. It seems like the Hunger Games at the moment. She might hate Djed, but he is her only option at the moment. She lets out a loud groan before placing her hand on the handle. “Deal, but don’t you dare talk to me, Djed. I want the ride to be quiet.”
”Deal, doughnut. Get in! It’s getting cold too.”
“Doughnut?” Nila asks, interrupting the small moment.
”It’s none of your business. Just get in.” Nila shrugs and does so. Of course, entering that car means nothing to her. The complete opposite of her. The car in which they shared many laughs, conversations, jokes, snacks, kisses and heated moments. Her heart swells in her chest as she settles in the vehicle.
”You’re beautiful.”
”Quietness is what you promised. Drive us home.” She notices the hurt behind his pupils but chooses to ignore. Now is not the time to flinch. Nila gently caresses her shoulder as they drive away, a sympathetic smile covering her face. She probably would be in for an intense interrogatory and reprimands when they get home.
****
The black Mercedes parks right in front of the brown brick building. Djed held his promise. No words were pronounced. However, the music he was playing certainly played a role in replacing the sentences that were never said. Nila is the first one to break the ice.
”Thanks for bringing us home, Djed. You still ain’t shit tho.”
She warns, ”Nila.”
”What? He needs to know.”
His tone is firm. ”I know. I don’t need you to remind me. Thanks. Can we talk, doughnut? Please.”
”You don’t know a freaking thing. Go play with the other slut. I don’t even remember her name. By the way, tell her if she lays one hand on my cousin or tries anything similar next time. I’m going to turn her life into a living hell. That’s a promise. We’re not playing these games around here.”
”Nila! Let me handle this one, please. Wait for me inside. I’ll be there in five minutes.”
”Hum. You better not let him whisper sweet words into your ear.” Just like that, she exited the car, not without smashing the door. A heavy silence follows before he clears his throat.
”I’m sorry, doughnut. Terribly sorry. I messed up big time.”
She closes her eyes, refusing to let her emotions take the best of her. He will not see her cry, not today.
”I don’t care about your apologies. I want the truth. Are you in a relationship with her? Were you texting her and staring at her pics after we agreed on exclusivity in that same car, Djed?”
He lets out a loud and defeated sigh. By his posture, she knows he is about to confess. Her heart sinks even further, but she tries to save face. ”I want nothing but the truth.”
His tone is as heavy as his guilt. ”I may have liked a few lingerie pics she sent me and complimented her. Then we interacted for a few days, but I stopped it all because I truly cared about us.”
A frown appears on her face, then it turns into a nervous giggle. ”I’m so fucking stupid.”
”Don’t say that. It’s not your fault.”
“Yes, it is. You proved to me time and time again that you cannot be trusted, and I still choose to believe your lies. The same night we agreed on exclusivity, I blocked Khalil. He came to me at church, and I explained to him that I was seeing someone and it was serious. I did all of that only for you to keep contact with Kelly. I’m so naive.”
“Doughnut.”
”I gave you my heart, body and soul, Djed. You ruined them all… I guess this is what I get for fornicating.” Something breaks behind the veil of his eyes. Whether it is her thought process or his actions, she cannot tell.
“It’s…ridiculous.You know that. It has nothing to do with God punishing you. I was just stupid.” Tears roll down her face as she stares at the window, consciously avoiding Djed’s glistening eyes.
”Have you ever been in a relationship with her? Tell me the truth.”
”I’ve told you. I’m not lying. We’ve never been together. It was more of a situationship.” It does not even matter at this point. The first revelations were more than enough to break her heart into pieces. She wants to join her room to sob in peace. Somehow her body is unable to move.
”Was I not good enough for you, Djed?”
He immediately shakes his head with vigour. ”No, I swear. You’re everything and even more. I messed up big time, but I never lied when I said I love you.” The exact words she wishes he never pronounced again.
A deep breath to regulate her pain, and she finds strength to look at him in the eyes. ”It’s better if we…just…stay that way. I can’t do it anymore, Djed. I don’t think my heart can take another blow. On top of that I have to deal with my mother and stuff. I’m tired.”
“Doughnut… Please, just –” She cuts him off, one hand on the handle.
”Don’t make it harder, Djed. I’m begging you. Thanks for the ride. Have a great night.” Suddenly the cold air hits her face as she rapidly walks inside her building. Djed’s pleas and sad tone play on loop inside of her mind. Her body struggles still, but she finds a way to move forward. Nila observes her in silence, letting her deal with the obvious pain behind her eyes. The heavy breathing almost covers the loud mechanical sounds.
The second they exit the restricted space, she lets it all out. Nila gently wraps her arms around her in the empty corridor. ”Come on, let it go. I’ve been there. I know how it hurts.”
She sobs, tears flooding her eyes and burning her cheeks. ”Why would he do that to me? Was I not good enough? I trusted him… I just wanted to be with him. I loved him… I even gave him my virginity… Fuck! I’m so so so dumb. My mother was right. I should’ve listened to her and followed the words of God.”
“No, she’s not. At the end of the day, it’s better to follow your own mind and heart so you can live your own experience. If you had blindly followed your mother’s word, you’d probably resent her at some point. Think about it. Love can be painful, yeah. It’s still better to have loved than never trying tho.”
No words come out of her mouth. The pieces of her heart are too shattered to do so. Nila adds, ”Take this as an experience. It might sound generic, but learn from it so you’re not repeating the same mistakes. I’ve been there. It’s going to be all right, I promise… Dry your tears. We never know if your mother is still up.”
She does so before handing a blue plastic bag to Nila. ”Outfits! We’re in big trouble if she sees us dressed like that.”
”I mean, my mom wouldn’t care. You’d be grounded for life tho so yeah, let’s switch to our modest outfits.” She cracks a weak smile. On top of her heartbreak, she has to deal with an over-controlling mother. This is her reality. Sometimes, she envies Nila and her freedom. From Manchester to London, without her mother batting an eye. If that were her, she would never have been allowed to travel to another city alone. However, she is there, stuck in the two-bedroom apartment with her nervous Christian mother.
****
Two weeks later…
With trembling hands, she clicks on the only name that could bring her a source of comfort. Although she promised to leave him behind and never contact him again, there she is. Her heartbeat beating fast against her chest, prayers muttered under her breath while the beep slams her eardrum.
”Djed?” She finally whispers after hearing his voice. By the panic behind her tone, he notices something wrong. ”My mother… She had a heart attack. I had no one else to call.”
”I’m sorry, doughnut. Where are you? Give me an hour and I’ll join you.”
”Pick me up at the hospital. I’ll send you the address.”
”Fine, I’ll be there, doughnut.”
Promise held. An hour later, a black Mercedes stops at the front of the hospital. Without even checking, she gets in. Dark circles under the eyes witness her sleepless night. A loud sigh escapes as she sits down. Djed immediately sits down, the warmth of his arms bringing her the type of comfort she has been craving for days.
”We’re going back to my place. I can’t leave you alone.”
In his arms, she lets it go. Tears gradually turn into sobs. She missed him. Two weeks without him felt like months. He gently caresses her back, murmuring sweet encouraging words into her ears. “I’m here for you, doughnut. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
****
The apartment still feels familiar even after months. The sheets' fresh scent comforts her. The memories of her numerous nights on that bed extracted her from the present. The shared laughter, dreams, fears, silent confessions, touches, caresses, kisses and orgasms. She remembers it all, every single detail.
His voice immediately reminds her of the present and the stress that comes with it. ”Do you need anything? Are you sure you don’t want food?”
Her eyes are empty, puffy and reddened due to her continuous sobs. “I’m not hungry, Djed.” He sits by her side, secretly admiring how his t-shirt looks on her. Nothing sexual, simply appreciation for her natural beauty.
“You should at least drink water, doughnut.”
She refuses with a headshake. For the moment, her throat feels too tight, too restricted to let anything in. Djed understands and simply places a hand on her knee.
”What if she’s ill? She’s the only person I have left. I never knew my dad.”
”No, that’s cap. I’m here for you. You also have Nila.”
”She lives in Manchester, Djed.”
”It doesn’t change anything. I’m here for you, always will be.”
He opens his arms, and she finds comfort there for the third time of the night. In her misfortune, behind her tears, a part of her heart seems satisfied to be reunited with Djed again. She should not believe him, but at the moment it feels like a lifebelt in the middle of the sea. His grip tightened around her, their bodies perfectly fitting together on the king-sized bed.
”How about you pray for her? I’ll listen to you. Everything is going to be alright.” Different confessions, same purpose. Their most intimate act to this day but probably the most significant. Encouraged by his embrace, she closes her eyes and lets her heart speak for itself.
The vibrations of her phone force her out of a light and anxious sleep. It is the hospital. Her heart almost jumps out of her body as she accepts the call. Djed gently rubs her shoulders. A barely controlled anxiety in his touch. Both of them waiting for the sword of Damocles to either fall on her head or by her side. Prayers have worked. Her mother is alive and well.
*****
Life has a funny way of operating. Ever since her mother had that heart attack, Djed and she have been closer than ever. No more lies, no more pride or ego to stop their love. Both of them were serious about their bond. However, since that incident her mother became an even more fervent believer. Their relationship only downgraded from there. More scrutiny, more control, less freedom. No more secular music, more hours in church, more Bible studies. Unfortunately for her, love makes you believe you can fly. Therefore, she planned smarter for each escapade, each sneak-out to see the man her heart had chosen. Until that night happens, the type of night she wishes to only imagine at the back of her mind.
“How was Bible study tonight?” She clears her throat, an attempt to erase the fact she was too busy studying Djed’s body instead.
”Dynamic group, a bit more curious than usual.” With time she learns to lie without flinching.
”Hum. It’s very funny because Mrs James from our church sent me a picture of you and a man with dreadlocks. According to her, he is a professional football player. Djed, isn’t it?” Her body freezes before she even has the time to think about a rebuttal. She is quicker. Within seconds the smartphone is almost in her face. The picture is clear. Djed hugging her from behind. The mini leather skirt and matching jacket with a décolleté displaying her assets is the cherry on top.
”Are you some kind of escort? Is that why you’ve been going out so much these days? Blatantly committing sin after sin? How dare you use Bible study to justify your profession?” Her words cut sharp, reviving a pain she tried to bury during her teenage years. She will never be good enough for her mother.
”I’m not an escort.”
”Why are you dressed like one then? This isn’t what God wants for you. This isn’t how I raised you.” Silence settles in. Game over. “I trusted you to make the best decisions, and this is what you do. Dating some useless ballers… God save her lost soul, I beg. A Muslim on top of that. I’m not even angry, just very disappointed.”
Looking at the floor sounds better than directly facing the stare of disappointment. ”Did you have sex with him? By the way you were dressed, I assume so.” She simply looks down. There is no more point to lie. She is too exhausted for it anyway.
”Instead of opening the Bible, you’re out there opening your legs for a man that wouldn’t even attend your funeral if something happens tomorrow.” For the first time, she finds the strength to face her, to stand up for herself. The frown on her face fuels her anger. She has no right to judge Djed based on physical attributes or religious beliefs.
”He was the one there for me, always. Even when you were too absorbed by your bible to notice that I was depressed after Drea passed away. Was there when you were at hospital. Maybe I wouldn’t have to do that if you treated me with kindness, love and empathy. Instead, all you have done since Drea passed is treat that holy book like your child. It can never replace Drea.”
She only feels it. The hand on her cheek, the sting. A lump forms at the back of her throat, but she simply swallows it. No, her mother will not get that satisfaction of seeing her down or crying. She had endured way too much. She has enough. Maybe she went too far, but she does not care. It had to be said. No faith or holy book could fill the void Drea, her little sister, left behind.
”Don’t you ever talk to me like that ever again. A little whore isn’t going to tell me what to do or how to act under my roof.” She looks away, afraid that the fire behind her eyes would burn her own mother. As if what happened is not enough, she adds, “You have two days to break up with Djed. Say goodbye to him for good. If not, one phone call to the media and the world will deal with me.”
She furrows her eyebrows. ”What do you mean?”
”I will tell them how he manipulated and brainwashed you to have sex with you. Not very good for the first Muslim player in the England national team, right?” Her eyes widen out of shock. Never in her life did she think that her own mother could do such a thing.
”I… You can’t do that… He never did such a thing. I love him too. He never manipulated me or anything.”
”Sleep on it. Two days. After that, if you both insist, his name will be in the tabloids. You know how much they love a good story.”
”You can’t do that, Mom. He’s a Black player. You know how they treat him in the media here. It’s not fair… Djed worked hard to be where he’s at.”
”Let’s see how much you love him then.”
Once the bedroom slams, she slowly lets herself fall on the floor, sobbing like she never has before. Her body trembling under her sobs and heart jumps. Life is cruel. She just had found a balance with Djed. Sadly, she has to protect him. In no world will she let her mother do such a thing. It might mean leaving the love of her life behind, but his career, honour and integrity matter more than anything else. Sometimes, sincerely loving someone means leaving them behind to protect them.
****
”My mom knows. I cannot see you anymore.” The silence that follows is deafening. Djed tightly grips his wheel. His eyes looking for any signs or reactions from her.
”She called me a whore and other stuff. Anyway.”
”You’re not a whore. It’s ridiculous. She’s just trying to get inside your head.”
Her heart drops, but she has to break up. ”It doesn’t really matter, Djed. We can’t… You have to let me go.”
The young man furrows his eyebrows, anger slowly gaining him as his posture changes. He is more forward. The grip around the wheel tightened. ”So you’re going to let her dictate your life? No one should have that kind of power. You’re a human being, not some doll she can give orders to.”
”Djed, I choose my mother. We only have one mother. God commands you honour your parents. I don’t have the choice.” She barely believes what she says, but there is no other choice. The second he suspects anything, he will make things harder.
“Doughnut, are you serious right now?”
”Djed, come on. It was cute while it lasted, but it’s not like we were going to get married anyway. You’re a Muslim, and I’m Christian. Let’s live in our truth.” She sees the hurt behind his eyes. It was intentional. The only way to save faces and protect him.
A silent prayer: may God give her the strength to say goodbye. She could not risk his career. ”I’m sorry, Djed. If you really love me, never contact me again. Go live your life. Just know that somewhere in London, a young woman will always pray and secretly root for you. I hope you’ll find the strength to forgive me one day.”
He pleads, “Doughnut.”
It is too painful. Before he can even move his head to kiss her, she jumps out of the vehicle. Tears rolling down her face as she walks away from Djed. No last stare, nothing. From outside, she spots her mother smiling with a bible in her hand. It was the only way… Even if it cost the most beautiful thing that happened to her the last few years. May she pay for the pain she has caused and keeps causing, Lord.
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